Overview Adventures of a Taxi Driver is a 1976 British sex comedy film directed by Stanley Long and starring Barry Evans, Judy Geeson, and Adrienne Posta. The movie follows the story of Joe North, a taxi driver in London, who has many opportunities to have sex with various women.
Plot The film is a light-hearted comedy that explores the adventures of Joe North, a taxi driver in London, who is always on the lookout for his next romantic conquest. The movie features a series of comedic situations and encounters with various women, including a nun, a housewife, and a young woman.
Plot The film is a light-hearted comedy that explores the adventures of Joe North, a taxi driver in London, who is always on the lookout for his next romantic conquest. The movie features a series of comedic situations and encounters with various women, including a nun, a housewife, and a young woman.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:30I'd like to take a ride with you
00:00:33Don't want to be tied to you
00:00:37I promise I'll try my very best
00:00:41To please you darling
00:00:44You know that there's more of me
00:00:48There's things you can share with me
00:00:51So take my tip
00:00:53And we could skip formalities
00:00:57Won't you be my cruisin' Casanova
00:01:02Click your fingers and I'll be over there
00:01:06Smoothin' your hair, smoothin' your cares away
00:01:11There's no profusin' Casanova
00:01:16Stop the clock and we're workin' overtime
00:01:20Cruisin' Casanova, be mine
00:01:25Taxi driver, love me
00:01:29Taxi driver
00:01:43Every major international city
00:01:45has that most popular means of transport
00:01:48The taxi
00:01:49That unique brand of conveyance
00:01:52Which combines efficiency with individuality
00:01:55Perhaps most popular for the personal service it provides
00:02:02Enthusiastic, hard-working, with never a moment's rest
00:02:06Probably the taxi driver's most lovable attribute
00:02:09is the warm welcome he is always eager to extend
00:02:13to foreign visitors
00:02:16The moment you hail a taxi
00:02:18you can be sure of being greeted by a friendly smile
00:02:21a concern for your well-being
00:02:23and someone at the wheel always ready to lend a helping hand
00:02:44There are at present literally millions of taxis
00:02:47operating throughout the world on a 24-hour basis
00:02:52Ensuring that at any time, day or night, within seconds
00:02:56you can be speeding happily away to the destination of your choice
00:03:02Renowned for their total lack of prejudice
00:03:05a taxi will stop for anybody
00:03:07irrespective of colour, class or creed
00:03:16Adored by the public for their whimsical charm
00:03:19and delightful disposition
00:03:21perhaps more than any other form of public transport
00:03:24the taxi driver holds a unique place in the hearts of the people
00:03:28Not least his fellow road users
00:03:30who appreciate to the full that quiet, courteous patience
00:03:34that affable, friendly manner
00:03:36that consideration for his fellow motorists
00:03:39with whom he is always ready to exchange a friendly wave
00:03:42and some merry little quip
00:03:45But possibly more than anything else to his credit
00:03:49the taxi driver bears the distinction of being a driver of knowledge
00:03:53experience and efficiency
00:03:55reassuring all who drive with him
00:03:57that the taxi is not only the safest vehicle on the road
00:04:00but holds the proud record for being involved in the least number of accidents
00:04:06Without a doubt, we the public owe much to these gallant knights of the road
00:04:12of whom it can truly be said
00:04:14everything we feel for them
00:04:17they feel for us
00:04:35That'll be seventy-five, Gav
00:04:45Thank you
00:04:50Thank you very much
00:04:52Well, you try smiling when you've been lumbered with a miserable tight-fisted git like him
00:04:57after you've fought through all the bleeding traffic
00:04:59and had him moaning on at you like it was all your fault
00:05:06Sorry about that
00:05:08Been a bit of a bad day, know what I mean?
00:05:10By the way, my name's Joe
00:05:12Well, with a name like that, I had to go in the cabbing business, didn't I?
00:05:15Been at it a year or so now
00:05:17Got me own cab
00:05:18Well, almost
00:05:19As soon as I finish paying for it
00:05:21Yeah, it's not such a bad job, really
00:05:23Hard work, but then so's anything these days
00:05:25Not that I mind
00:05:27Got me health and strength, know what I mean?
00:05:29Mind you, I'll be a lot happier when I get me own place
00:05:32Trouble is, you see, I live at home
00:05:34You need a bit of peace and quiet after doing this job
00:05:37And living at home, no joke, I can tell you
00:05:40Oh, yeah, makes a great start to the day
00:05:44Oh, come on, Mum, I'm late as it is
00:05:47Well, it's your own fault
00:05:49Coming in here last night, pissed us anew
00:05:51Crashing about all over the place and waking me up
00:05:54Lay off, Ma, will you?
00:05:56Do us a favour
00:05:57You're getting more like your father every day, you are
00:06:00And you're going to end up like him, mark my words
00:06:03And where were you last night?
00:06:05Out screwing some poor innocent little girl, I suppose
00:06:08Just like your father
00:06:10Don't make me laugh, you hardly knew him
00:06:12You only met him once
00:06:14Don't talk like that in front of the baby
00:06:16Woke her up and all, didn't he, my dear little pet?
00:06:21More consideration
00:06:23Twice I met him, twice
00:06:26Give me him!
00:06:28Mummy will give you something nicer than that to play with
00:06:31There's a good little girl
00:06:34Well, are you going to sit staring at that all day or are you going to eat it?
00:06:37I don't feel like eating, look, just give me a cup of tea, will you?
00:06:40Oh, I don't know why I bother, I really don't
00:06:43I mean, food is wasted just as though it costs nothing
00:06:46All right, all right
00:06:47Tell it's burning, porridge better smell
00:06:52Oh, it's all right, just at the bottom
00:06:54The top's all right
00:06:57I don't like porridge!
00:06:59Yes, you do, it's lovely
00:07:01It's porridge, porridge, porridge!
00:07:03Shut up!
00:07:05Now look what you've done
00:07:07You know it makes her cry
00:07:09All right, I'll give up, that's it, bloody hell
00:07:11I'm late as it is
00:07:13Where's me fares, good man?
00:07:14Oh, in the cupboard
00:07:20Oh, my God, that little tyke's been thieving again, hasn't he?
00:07:25Where is he?
00:07:26Peter, come in here!
00:07:28Peter!
00:07:29And he's like his father and all
00:07:31Wind up in the same cell with him, I shouldn't wonder, the way he's carrying on
00:07:35Peter!
00:07:36How am I supposed to get to sleep in all this racket, yeah?
00:07:39So, where's the fire then?
00:07:40Over here, come here
00:07:42Look, what have you got to say about all this lot then?
00:07:45Good gear, isn't it?
00:07:46I mean, it's not rubbish, is it?
00:07:48You said you got a proper job
00:07:50Well, I have
00:07:51I mean, I'm doing it proper now, aren't I?
00:07:53Been working very hard at it and all
00:07:55I've got a sharp little organisation together
00:07:57You're going to get us all into trouble one of these days
00:07:59I mean, anyone could just walk in
00:08:01Yeah, and all that lot lying there
00:08:03Not to mention 20 cartons of hairspray I found hidden under me bed
00:08:07Fell off the back of a lorry, didn't they, Mum?
00:08:09You're going to end up in the nick with ten years ahead of you
00:08:11Peter's going in the nick! Peter's going in the nick!
00:08:14Why can't you get an honest job for once?
00:08:16What, like driving a cab?
00:08:18Leave off
00:08:19Anyway, that's no more than bleeding highway robbery
00:08:21So what are you doing, telling me to go straight?
00:08:23Oh, choice! I like that
00:08:27Just don't ask me to bail you out, that's all
00:08:32It's your funeral
00:08:47What did I tell you, eh? It's always like that
00:08:49Makes it a pleasure going to work in the morning
00:08:57I tell you what would cheer me up, is to pick up a nice bit of crumpet
00:09:00Very handy for introductions, this motor
00:09:02Very handy for introductions, this motor
00:09:32Think it on, Mum, with me, forget the rest
00:09:36I'd like to test your driving style
00:09:40Won't you be my
00:09:42Cousin
00:09:44Casanova
00:09:46Click your fingers and I'll be over there
00:09:50Smoothing your hair, soothing your cares away
00:09:55There's no refusing
00:09:58Casanova
00:10:00Stop the clock and we're working overtime
00:10:04Cruising Casanova
00:10:06Be my
00:10:08Casanova
00:10:16Where to, darling?
00:10:17Lambeth Bridge, please
00:10:19Right you are, then
00:10:31Nice morning, innit? You off to work, then?
00:10:34Yeah, I thought so, I can usually tell
00:10:37Ah, being in this job, you have to be a bit of a psychologist
00:10:40What do you do for a living, eh? Now don't tell me, let me guess
00:10:43I'd say you're a secretary, right?
00:10:46Personal secretary to some oil magnate, eh?
00:10:49Really high-powered
00:10:51Don't let appearances fool you
00:10:53You'll be a right little ray for this one when it gets going
00:10:55Got a lovely little body on her, too
00:10:57No mistake
00:10:59Looks a bit miserable, though
00:11:01I know what she needs, right?
00:11:03That's another thing I can tell
00:11:05Whether a bird's had a good seeing to or not the night before
00:11:09I reckon that one's had a right thin time of it lately, don't you?
00:11:13Born in London, were you? Now don't tell me, let me guess
00:11:16I'd say, judging from your accent, that you're from somewhere up north, right?
00:11:20Yes, I can usually tell
00:11:22Somewhere like Liverpool, maybe
00:11:25Yeah, Liverpool, I'd say
00:11:28She's weakling, what did I tell you, eh?
00:11:30Oh, yes, definitely softening up
00:11:32Stands out a mile
00:11:34Which side of the bridge, love?
00:11:36The middle
00:11:37The middle? Right then, middle it is
00:11:52That'll be, um...
00:11:53Here, hang on
00:11:54Hey, hang on a minute, darling
00:11:56What about my fare?
00:12:08Go away and leave me alone, please
00:12:10Just leave me alone
00:12:11But I never laid a finger on you
00:12:13What's the matter with you?
00:12:14Jesus Christ, I only want me bleeding fare
00:12:16Look, if you haven't got it, there's no need to panic
00:12:18I mean it, don't come any closer
00:12:20All right, all right, I'm going, I'm going
00:12:22You don't care, do you?
00:12:24Nobody cares
00:12:25Eh?
00:12:26No one will even notice I'm dead
00:12:27All right then, if that's the way it is, I'll jump now
00:12:30Oh, my God
00:12:31Don't try and stop me, it's too late
00:12:33My mind's made up
00:12:35No, wait, don't do it
00:12:37Pain, the suffering will only end when the icy waters close over me
00:12:41Carry me away into oblivion
00:12:43Funny bird
00:12:44Dreamless sleep of eternity
00:12:46Darling, why don't you tell me about it?
00:12:47I mean, I don't pretend to understand, I've only just met you, haven't I?
00:12:50But you know what they say, right?
00:12:51A trouble shared is a trouble aft
00:12:53And all I can say is, well, it seems to me a terrible waste
00:12:55A beautiful girl like you trying to do away with herself
00:12:58What do you say, eh?
00:12:59I mean, nothing's ever that bad, really
00:13:01Not when you come down to it
00:13:02It's too late for talking now
00:13:04Oh, please, darling, try, eh?
00:13:06I'm all alone in the world
00:13:08No one loves me, no one cares
00:13:10You don't know what it's like to be left alone
00:13:12Unloved, unwanted
00:13:14Hold on, I don't believe it
00:13:16A beautiful girl like you and no one wants to know
00:13:18Listen, I could love you
00:13:20I mean, the first time I saw you, I said to myself
00:13:22Now there's a girl I could really love
00:13:24There was a man, once
00:13:26I thought he loved me
00:13:28Oh, Ronald, Ronald
00:13:29Watch yourself, you fool
00:13:31He's never coming back
00:13:32I'll never see him again, never
00:13:33I want to die
00:13:34I can't face life without him
00:13:36Oh, Ronald, Ronald
00:13:40Phew
00:13:41I can't even kill myself properly
00:13:43I'm a failure at everything
00:13:45No, you just need cheering up, that's all
00:13:47Look, you've had a nasty shock, right?
00:13:49Why don't I take you home, eh?
00:13:51Where do you live?
00:13:52Do you really think I'll ever be able to forget Ronald?
00:13:54Of course you will, with a bit of help
00:13:56I need love, you see, that's what I need
00:13:58Lots of loving
00:14:00Well, I did just save her life, didn't I?
00:14:03I mean, the way I look at it, it's an offer I can't refuse
00:14:06And strong arms, strong arms to hold me
00:14:08Hold you?
00:14:09It's like trying to undress a bloody octopus
00:14:11I don't want you to think I'm promiscuous
00:14:13just because you caught me at a weak moment
00:14:15Oh, I don't, I don't
00:14:17Look, just lift up a bit, will you?
00:14:19It's just that without Ronald I feel so helpless
00:14:21Oh, I don't know, you seem to be doing all right
00:14:23I wish he was here right now so he could see
00:14:25Oh, I don't
00:14:28Linda!
00:14:29It's Ronald
00:14:31Ronald?
00:14:35Oh
00:14:36You got it all wrong, mate
00:14:37It's not like that at all
00:14:39I mean, I've just brought her back in my cab, you see
00:14:41And you're just collecting the fare, that right?
00:14:43Yeah, no
00:14:44You mustn't get it wrong
00:14:47I didn't dare leave her
00:14:49She was going to do herself in
00:14:51Throw herself off Lambeth Bridge
00:14:53Well, that makes a change
00:14:55Let's see, what's the score now?
00:14:57Westminster twice, Blackfriars, London Bridge, Tower Bridge
00:15:00And that's only in the last few months
00:15:02Well, how was I supposed to know?
00:15:03I mean, she was in a terrible state
00:15:05Said you'd left her
00:15:06And you did
00:15:07You just walked out without saying goodbye
00:15:08And you slammed the door
00:15:09Cover yourself up, will you?
00:15:10That's typical, that is
00:15:12Most of the time you want me to uncover myself
00:15:14That's different, that's when I'm with you
00:15:15Well, you're with me now
00:15:16So what's different?
00:15:17Admit it
00:15:18You only want me for my body
00:15:19Oh, Linda, don't be so ridiculous
00:15:20I'm not being
00:15:21You think you can treat me how you like
00:15:22As if I've got no feelings
00:15:24Now, you know that's not true
00:15:25Oh, calling me a liar are you now?
00:15:27Not content with only wanting me for my body
00:15:28I'm a liar as well
00:15:29I didn't say that
00:15:30Um, excuse me
00:15:31I knew it
00:15:32I just knew it
00:15:33You don't love me anymore
00:15:34Of course I do
00:15:35You wouldn't say such things if you did
00:15:37Look, I don't want to interrupt anything
00:15:38Look, if I didn't love you
00:15:39How the hell could I have put up with you?
00:15:40How the hell could I have put up with you for so long?
00:15:41I said, I don't want to interrupt
00:15:42Look, don't just mind your own business
00:15:43Keep your nose out of this, mate
00:15:44I've got to go to work sometimes, you know
00:15:46Without you thinking I'm leaving you
00:15:47And threatening to commit suicide
00:15:49You drive me to it
00:15:50You're so
00:15:51You're so cruel to me, thank you
00:15:53Oh, don't be so stupid
00:15:54You're sick, that's your trouble
00:15:56Oh, yes
00:15:57That's always your attitude
00:15:58You never think
00:15:59And you still haven't remembered
00:16:01Remembered what, for heaven's sake?
00:16:03It's my birthday
00:16:05So what's important about a birthday?
00:16:06It's very important
00:16:07You have one every year
00:16:08Come on, you've got a
00:16:10It's very important to have a birthday
00:16:22It's going to be one of those days
00:16:24I just know it
00:16:28I'd like to take her out
00:16:29And push her under a bus
00:16:30Don't you talk about your little sister like that
00:16:33I won't have it
00:16:34Sister?
00:16:35She's not even human
00:16:37Look at that lot
00:16:38A bleeding tan of soap powder ruined
00:16:40Do you know how much money she's lost me?
00:16:42And when I'd done a deal on it
00:16:44Knocked myself out and set it up
00:16:46Well, no one asked you to bring it in here, did they?
00:16:48Cluttering up my kitchen
00:16:49Well, I want it out
00:16:51Just get rid of it
00:16:52Do you hear me?
00:16:53Oh, yeah
00:16:54Now, what am I supposed to say?
00:16:55Like, listen, mate
00:16:56About that soap powder
00:16:58I did have it, see
00:16:59But it sort of vanished
00:17:00Sorry about that
00:17:01Or how about my little sister
00:17:02Decided to decorate the house with it
00:17:04Oh, they're going to love that
00:17:06After they've picked themselves up
00:17:07Off the bloody floor laughing, of course
00:17:08Joe, Joe
00:17:09You just tell him, will you?
00:17:10Just tell him to get rid of it
00:17:12No, no
00:17:13I've had as much as I can take
00:17:14I washed my hands of the whole bleeding lot of you
00:17:16That's it, as far as I'm concerned
00:17:19Why don't you get rid of the stuff you've already got
00:17:21Before you bring more in?
00:17:23It's getting so
00:17:24That I can't even move around me own house
00:17:26What's all that gear doing in my bedroom?
00:17:28I'll bring her bloody little neck so up me, I will
00:17:30Heda
00:17:31Little monster ought to have been put down at birth
00:17:33What?
00:17:34Heda
00:17:35What?
00:17:36What? I want to know what all that...
00:17:38Oh, never mind, forget it
00:17:41And where do you think you're going, Sonny Jim?
00:17:44I've got a nice little job for you
00:17:46First, dump it
00:17:49Oh, Ma, where?
00:17:51That is your problem, not mine
00:17:54And mind you, bring that bucket back
00:17:58Where do you think you're going with that?
00:18:00I told you, I'm leaving
00:18:01Oh, I see, just walking out and leaving me to cope
00:18:04A fine son you turned out to be
00:18:07Just like your father, whoever he was
00:18:10Here, what am I supposed to tell Carol when she comes?
00:18:13Well, you can tell her to...
00:18:15Hello, love
00:18:16Hello, love
00:18:17Carol, be steady
00:18:18Bit of a drag
00:18:19Got wedding bells in her ears
00:18:21I'm sorry
00:18:22I'm sorry
00:18:23I'm sorry
00:18:24I'm sorry
00:18:25I'm sorry
00:18:26Got wedding bells in her ears
00:18:27What are you doing with that, then?
00:18:29He's clearing off
00:18:31Walking out on his responsibilities
00:18:33That's what he's doing
00:18:34Oh, no
00:18:35No, I'm sure Joe wouldn't do a thing like that without telling me, would you, Joe?
00:18:38Yes, I would
00:18:39I've had enough
00:18:40I'm clearing out
00:18:41I've had enough
00:18:43Oh
00:18:44Oh
00:18:45I expect I'll see you later, then
00:18:47Joe?
00:18:48Joe?
00:18:49Joe Knowles, you come here
00:18:51Come here
00:18:52Do I comprehend the situation correctly?
00:18:55Are you leaving home?
00:18:56Dead right
00:18:57Without a word to me or even a bye or leave?
00:19:00It's got nothing to do with you
00:19:02You mean it's got nothing to do with me?
00:19:04I happen to be your fiancée
00:19:06And fiancées have a right to know these things
00:19:08So where are you going?
00:19:09I don't know
00:19:10What do you mean you don't know?
00:19:12Well, I just told you I don't know
00:19:14You can't just leave home and not know where you're going
00:19:16Well, as soon as I find somewhere, I'll get in touch, all right?
00:19:19Well, when's that, then?
00:19:21How should I know tonight, tomorrow, as soon as I'm settled in?
00:19:24You're not going to take me out tonight?
00:19:25How can I? I don't know where I'll be
00:19:27Gone with the wind
00:19:29What?
00:19:30That's what you were supposed to take me to
00:19:32Gone with the wind
00:19:33Oh, come on, you must have seen it ten times
00:19:35Eleven
00:19:36What with that and Lady and the Tramp every year at Christmas
00:19:38It's enough to drive anyone up the wall
00:19:40Well, you don't have to come
00:19:41I mean, nobody's forcing you to
00:19:43I mean, you don't have to care if I'm on my own
00:19:45Probably being molested in the back row
00:19:47Oh, come on, who's going to molest you?
00:19:49Lots of people, if I let them
00:19:51Anyway, you always do
00:19:53Yeah, well, I've got to find something to do, haven't I?
00:19:55Gone with the wind, it's a long film
00:19:56Well, if you won't take me to the pictures
00:19:58Why can't I come with you and help you find somewhere to stay?
00:20:01Carol, I'll be all right
00:20:03Supposing you're moving in with another woman?
00:20:06Oh, leave off, Carol
00:20:08Well, how am I supposed to know?
00:20:10Look, I'll ring you, all right?
00:20:12You see, if you would have told me you were leaving home
00:20:14I could have done the same
00:20:16And then we could have moved in together
00:20:18And got married before I originally planned
00:20:20Yeah, well, I'll ring you
00:20:22See, if you wouldn't mind hanging about for a bit
00:20:24I could belt home and start packing straight away
00:20:26I know, look, um...
00:20:2820 minutes, 15 at the outside if you took me back ahead
00:20:30Carol, I haven't got time for all this
00:20:37What is the matter?
00:20:38Do you not want to live with me anymore?
00:20:40Course I do, it's nothing to do with that
00:20:42Well, you wouldn't think so the way you go on about it
00:20:44You know, you'll have to get used to it once we're married
00:20:47Look, what's up with you?
00:20:48Don't you trust me or something?
00:20:50Quite frankly, no
00:20:51Charming
00:20:52Well, it's just that I don't like to think of you being unfaithful
00:20:55Especially as I spent all my savings last week buying my engagement ring
00:20:59Have I ever been unfaithful to you?
00:21:01No
00:21:02Have you ever caught me with another woman?
00:21:04No
00:21:05Have you ever caught me, when I've been out with you, even looking at another woman?
00:21:10No
00:21:11Well, there you are then
00:21:12You've got nothing to worry about, have you?
00:21:15That is besides the point
00:21:17Remember, a penny saved is a penny not spent
00:21:22What are you going on about?
00:21:24Do not put all your balls in one basket
00:21:27That is what I'm trying to say
00:21:29You see, if I caught you reclining in the embrace of another woman
00:21:34Do you know what I would do?
00:21:36I would chop it off
00:21:39Look, you can trust me
00:21:41As soon as I find somewhere, I'll ring you, alright?
00:21:44Well, I thought I was coming with you
00:21:46What?
00:21:47Well, that's what we agreed
00:21:49Yeah, well look, you go home and pack your things
00:21:52Yeah
00:21:53And then as soon as I find somewhere
00:21:54Yeah
00:21:55I'll see you later
00:22:00I haven't finished yet
00:22:17Tom, Tom, you about?
00:22:20With you in a minute
00:22:25Joe, how are things?
00:22:27Oh, not so bad
00:22:28Er, mind if I carry on?
00:22:30Busy, I see
00:22:31Ah, not bad
00:22:33Still got your picture gallery then?
00:22:35You dirty old bastard
00:22:38Well, I'll see you later
00:22:39Yeah, see you later
00:22:40Bye
00:22:41Bye
00:22:42Bye
00:22:43Bye
00:22:44Bye
00:22:45You dirty old bastard
00:22:47Make good dartboards
00:22:48Should see how my aim's improved
00:22:50Here, pass that grease gun, will you?
00:22:54So
00:22:56How's the cab business then?
00:22:58Oh, mustn't grumble
00:23:03Thing is, I er
00:23:05I did want to ask you a favour, mate
00:23:08Oh yeah
00:23:09Yeah, er
00:23:11You know that flat you've got upstairs?
00:23:13Yeah, what about it?
00:23:15Well, it's got two bedrooms, right?
00:23:17Just about, yeah
00:23:18Yeah, well, I've got this problem, see
00:23:20Like, I've got to find somewhere to live
00:23:22And er, well, seeing as how we're mates
00:23:24I mean, I'd help towards the rent and that
00:23:26Listen, Joe, any time
00:23:28You know that
00:23:29Unfortunately, it's not that simple
00:23:31I mean, if you'd asked me a couple of weeks ago, no problem
00:23:33But the trouble is, I've got a lady living with me at the moment
00:23:35Don't tell me you need two beds
00:23:37You must be slipping
00:23:38No, no, no, it's not that
00:23:40Look, Joe, I'll be straight with you
00:23:42You know women
00:23:43You never know how they'll react
00:23:44I mean, well, Nicky's a nice lady, but
00:23:46Well, she does work odd hours
00:23:48Yeah?
00:23:49Has its advantages, I suppose
00:23:51Yeah, well, I wouldn't ask
00:23:52Er, if I wasn't really desperate
00:23:54Just till I get something else fixed up
00:23:56All right, all right
00:23:57Just for a couple of weeks
00:23:58Till you find somewhere
00:23:59Yeah
00:24:00Is this a private party, or can anyone join in?
00:24:03Hello, talk of the devil
00:24:06I'll say this for Tom
00:24:07He certainly knows how to pick them
00:24:08I mean, he's obviously a bit of class
00:24:10Probably an air hose test or something like that
00:24:12This is Nicky
00:24:13She's a stripper
00:24:15Well, it can't always be right, can you?
00:24:17Joe's coming to stay with us for a while
00:24:20Oh, nice
00:24:21When?
00:24:22How about now?
00:24:23You weren't kidding, were you?
00:24:26Well, I don't believe in hanging about
00:24:27Once me mind's made up
00:24:28You, er
00:24:30Planning on staying long, then?
00:24:32Well, just till I get myself sorted out
00:24:34Find a nice little place to live
00:24:36Oh, if you hear of anywhere that's going
00:24:38Not too expensive
00:24:39Oh, yeah, sure
00:24:41She fancies me
00:24:42I can tell
00:24:43I could pull this one
00:24:44Dead easy, no problem
00:24:46I expect you're like me
00:24:48Work odd hours
00:24:50Yeah, I do a bit
00:24:52I suppose that means we won't
00:24:54See a lot of each other, then
00:24:56If I see a quick one before I go
00:25:00Oh, er
00:25:01No, thanks
00:25:02Better get out and earn some money
00:25:04Like me to drop you off?
00:25:05Oh, yeah, great
00:25:07Save me getting a cab
00:25:09Yeah, I could definitely make it with her
00:25:11But I think I'd better put in a bit of hard graft
00:25:13Earn myself some money
00:25:14Yes, that's what I'm going to concentrate on for a bit
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00:32:40Oh Joe
00:32:41Oh darling you're fantastic
00:32:44But I haven't even got my trousers off yet
00:32:49Joe
00:32:55What a scene that was last night. Makes you wonder whether it's all worthwhile doesn't it?
00:33:19Just got to deliver this parcel. Should be fairly straightforward. Well I don't think I could take
00:33:24any more excitement. Not for a while.
00:33:35Mrs. Tavia Barker, parcel for you. Bring it in would you?
00:33:44Oh if you'd just like to pop it down over there. I don't touch it you see it's my nails.
00:33:56It's your what love? Nails. Tropical green number three. Very exotic. The second they're dry I'll
00:34:04be able to pay you only I just don't touch anything while they're like this. No it's
00:34:08alright you just stand there and dry off. I'm in no hurry. Oh you wouldn't like a drink while
00:34:14you're waiting would you? No thanks I'm driving but thanks all the same. Oh not even a cold beer
00:34:18something like that? Well I wouldn't mind a beer actually. Oh do help yourself.
00:34:22Actually darling you couldn't do me a large Campari and soda could you while you're there?
00:34:33Yeah. A large one. Yes please. Say when. I never do.
00:34:43Oh be an angel would you and just slip it between my lips. Oh the glass.
00:34:54Sorry to put you to all this inconvenience. Don't mention it. It's just I always seem to get caught
00:35:04out when someone arrives. Yesterday it was the television repairman the day before it was the
00:35:10plumber and as for the window cleaner well every time he comes now I seem to be in the bath. I
00:35:16see. Oh you wouldn't be an angel would you and undo it for me. It's for a dinner tonight. My
00:35:26husband's in cement. Oh must be uncomfortable for him. It's a presentation dinner you see so I
00:35:32thought I'd wear green to go with my nail varnish. Very nice. Seems to be all right now. You're not
00:35:40in a rush are you? It's just I'd like to try it on to make sure it fits. No no of course not. Oh good.
00:35:55Chunk half this innit. Must cost a packet. I bet she does and all. Make yourself at home won't you.
00:36:03I shan't be long. What about her then? Bit of all right. Shan't be long. My husband's in cement. Bloody hell.
00:36:13Have you lost something? Balls. They fell off. Never mind. You couldn't give me a hand with a
00:36:37zip could you? It seems to be stuck and I don't want to break a nail on it. These birds and their
00:36:42zips. Jesus. It's a bit stiff. Won't be the only thing if she carries on like this. Yeah I see what you mean.
00:36:52It is stuck isn't it? Maybe if you pull it. That had crossed my mind. Have you done it? Yeah I think so.
00:37:00Seems a bit loose. Oh look at that. Just look at it. That's just so typical of today's workmanship.
00:37:07That's the last dress I shall buy from there. Yeah disgraceful. Now what shall I do?
00:37:13Well it was the only thing I could think of wasn't it?
00:38:07Another satisfied customer and the dress did fit after all. Six pounds. I suppose I can't really ask her to be fair now.
00:38:37Promise that Nicky I'll pick her up from the club. Mustn't be late. In case she sets that snake
00:38:50on to me. This is the one I think.
00:38:54Bye bye there guys. Twelve beautiful girls do everything. All naked and they dance.
00:39:23Where do you think you're going? Inside. Not without pay. I'm not going in. Not to see the show. I'm just picking up Nicky.
00:39:31That's all. You and a few others. No honest I'm a cab driver. Look my cab's just outside. Could be anyone's.
00:39:38Look if you think we're going to go and admit you without paying you've got another thing coming here.
00:39:42I'm telling you I'm only here to collect Nicky. I mean do us a favour mate. I'll give you my license number if you like.
00:39:48You can check it. I know all the taxi drivers around here mate. I don't know your face.
00:39:52That's because I don't normally do this patch. I'm only here to collect Nicky. I live in the same flat as her see.
00:39:57Who's the one who went to bed with Monty? Oh no, by accident was it or did you need the help?
00:40:08Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no
00:40:38Joe, would you mind hanging on just a minute? I've just got to nip back and get more tea.
00:41:02No rush.
00:41:32Okay? What? Are you coming or not? Well, if you're not quite ready, I don't mind.
00:41:52That's Helga. Oh? You can put your eyeballs back in. I've invited her for supper tonight.
00:41:59Foreign, is she? No, she's a nun from Scunthorpe. Come on.
00:42:11It was lovely, Nicky. It was nothing special. I enjoyed it. Now what? Oh, I've got some yoghurt in the fridge.
00:42:19No, I mean, what shall we do now? You decide. Why don't we play a game? What about strip poker?
00:42:29Oh, come on, it might be fun. What do you say, Tom? No, he doesn't want to play. Oh, come on, just for a giggle.
00:42:36Got any cards? Cards? No. Well, how about spinning the bottle instead? Okay.
00:42:50Well, I think I'll read my book. You can always play strip Ouija board if you'd prefer. Ouija board?
00:42:59And a spinner bottle.
00:43:59I'll get it.
00:44:28I'll get it.
00:44:37Where's Joe? I came to see him. Oh, he's not in, he's out. No, his taxi's here. It's all right, he's expecting me.
00:44:54Hello, I'm Carol, Carol Hotchkiss, Joe's fiancée. I expect you've spoken of me. Which is his room? That one? Thank you, dear.
00:45:09Carol, listen, I can explain.
00:45:18It's the third house along, on the right, number 42. That you are. Do you want a hand with those? Would you? Oh, thank you.
00:45:49You can just put them down here. Oh, that's all right, I don't mind carrying them in for you. That's very kind of you.
00:46:03I can't find my key. Are you sure? Perhaps it's in your bag loose. I'll try.
00:46:16It's not there. What about pockets? I haven't got any. What am I going to do? Well, perhaps you could go to a neighbour's till your husband gets home.
00:46:26He's away on a business trip. I can't even get hold of him. Don't you have a spare somewhere? Yes, of course. Oh, well then. It's inside.
00:46:35I thought you might have one under a flowerpot or something. Harold, that's my husband. Harold's nervous about burglars getting in.
00:46:42Oh, very well, but how do I get in? I could try to climb in, I suppose. But you have to help me. You will, won't you?
00:46:50I can't leave a lady in distress, can I? Let's see if there's a window open somewhere. Oh, there won't be one of those.
00:47:42Thank you. You will be careful, won't you? Safe as houses, darling.
00:47:54Are you all right? What's happened? Are you all right? Say something to me. What's happening up there?
00:48:16I didn't know what had happened to you. I called and called but you didn't answer. Are you all right? Yeah, I think so. Look, you go down and I'll open the front door.
00:48:29I can't. I'm stuck. What do you mean stuck? Just go back down the way you came. I can't. I'll fall. I'm frightened of heights.
00:48:38Look, it's quite simple. If you can't go down, you'd better come on up. I can't move. I'm scared. All right then, go back down the way you came. Help me.
00:48:47All right, now don't panic. You're quite safe. Just do as I say, OK? Now put one hand on the next rung up. Go on, one more. Now the other one.
00:48:57Keep going, you're OK. I'm watching you. Up a bit. No, down just a little. Now in. Towards the wall, that's it. Go on, you're doing fine. Come on. It's all right, you're nearly there.
00:49:11That's it. Now give me your hand. Lovely. Come on. You're doing wonderful. There you go. You're there. And through the window.
00:49:25Oh, you're all wet. I should have warned you. I'm sorry, I completely forgot. And of course that's why I left the window open, let the smell of paint out.
00:49:38Oh, and look at your clothes. They're covered in it. You have to let me wash them for you. You can't go out like that.
00:49:44Oh, well, that's very nice of you to offer.
00:49:46Well, I think the least I can do is clean your clothes and give you a bath, don't you?
00:49:55I do like huge bubbly ones, don't you? Yeah. That's about right now.
00:50:03Oh, I can't wait to get in. Neither can I. Bubbles make me go all tingly all over. You as well?
00:50:10Oh, isn't that lovely? All tingly. What a way to go.
00:50:21Minion?
00:50:52Marion?
00:51:02Marion, where are you? Marion, are you in the bath? Ah, there you are. Didn't you hear me shouting?
00:51:09Oh, darling. What a lovely surprise. I wasn't expecting you.
00:51:13What a complete shambles. The whole trip.
00:51:16Oh, you poor love. Why don't you go downstairs, put your feet up and pour yourself out a nice long drink and I'll join you and you can tell me all about it.
00:51:23Well, there's nothing to tell. The entire fiasco was predictable from start to finish and you know who's responsible, don't you?
00:51:29Well, I told him. I warned him. Yes, you did.
00:51:32You put Peters in as acting managing director and you've got nothing but trouble on your hands, I said.
00:51:37He can't cope with responsibility. He's got no initiative. Runs a Ford Anglia and doesn't play golf. You've marked my words.
00:51:45Well, I've been proved right yet again.
00:51:47That's wonderful. Now, why don't you just go downstairs?
00:51:51Wonderful? It's frustrating. Well, it's insulting.
00:51:55Oh, I quite agree. Now, why don't you just let me finish my bath and I'll be straight with you.
00:52:00Yes, I could do with a drink.
00:52:07What was that?
00:52:08Nothing. Just knocked the plug, that's all.
00:52:12Oh, darling, can I get you anything?
00:52:16What?
00:52:17To drink.
00:52:18No, just go downstairs and I'll...
00:52:19Marion, is it really necessary to use all that much bubble bath?
00:52:23You only bought this last week and you've already finished it.
00:52:26You really must be more careful in future. I can't afford extravagance of this sort.
00:52:30I mean, how you expect me to raise my housekeeping allowance in the face of such flagrant wastage, I really don't know.
00:52:38You really must pull yourself together, you know. You're getting very careless lately.
00:52:42Won't do, you know. No, won't do.
00:52:46It's all right.
00:52:49Marion, I meant to ask you, what on earth have you been doing in the bedroom?
00:52:53There's paint all over the place. It's a terrible mess.
00:52:56It's the decorators. It was meant to be a surprise.
00:52:59Surprise? I should think the only surprise I'd get would be the bill.
00:53:02Don't suppose you thought to get an estimate first?
00:53:05Oh, Harold!
00:53:07Never mind, don't upset yourself. I mean...
00:53:09No, I expect you...
00:53:11You meant well, yes, like Peter said.
00:53:14He meant well, I expect.
00:53:15Incompetent clodhopper, but would the board listen? Would they listen?
00:53:18Please, Harold, the water's getting cold.
00:53:21Oh, yes, well...
00:53:24Yes, but you have your bath and don't you worry about a thing.
00:53:28It was a lovely surprise to find paint all over the bedroom.
00:53:34Yes, I think I do need a drink.
00:53:36It's all right now. It's all right now.
00:53:39Come on, quick.
00:53:50I brought you a drink, darling. I thought you might like one.
00:53:54Oh, you mustn't stand about like that. Not with the window open.
00:53:57No, no, no. You'll catch your death.
00:54:34No!
00:54:36Sorry, mate, I'm not...
00:55:04St Barry's Convent, Upton Road.
00:55:06Yes, but...
00:55:19Of all the rotten luck, anyone else but a nun.
00:55:23I couldn't very well tell her to F off now, could I?
00:55:34I wonder if I could trouble you to help me with my cases.
00:56:04Oh, I thought I heard you coming.
00:56:26It's cost me a bloody fortune in jeans, this job.
00:56:28How come?
00:56:29I keep losing them.
00:56:31Oh, by the way, your brother phoned up while you were out.
00:56:33What, Peter?
00:56:34Yeah. He said something about having a whole lot of television sets.
00:56:36Did we need one?
00:56:37Bloody hell.
00:56:39Why, what's the matter?
00:56:41Look, if he phones up again, tell him, er...
00:56:43I don't know, tell him I've left the country, anything.
00:56:46Why? You don't speak to him then?
00:56:47Not if I can avoid it.
00:56:49I've got enough problems in my own life without getting lumbered with him and his thieving.
00:56:53I may get into a few scrapes now and again, but that's one thing I've always stayed well clear of.
00:56:56Crime and all that.
00:57:03You know what this is, buddy? It's a gun.
00:57:26Just keep your mouth shut.
00:57:28Do as you're told and you won't get hurt.
00:57:30Come on, get going.
00:57:33Now, you make one wrong move and you're dead.
00:57:36Understand?
00:57:38Just stick to the driving.
00:57:40Keep your eyes on the road and you and me will get along just fine.
00:57:44Now, drive south.
00:57:46And no funny business.
00:57:48I know this town like I know my own face.
00:57:50If you ask me, we should have rung her out there and then.
00:57:52I'll get no troubles with her stiff.
00:57:54Nobody's asking you, so shut up.
00:57:56Suppose your old man wants to talk to her.
00:57:58You're going to pay no ransom for a stiff, dumbhead.
00:58:01We've got to keep her alive to get the dough.
00:58:03Do you get it?
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:06Maybe she's already seen us, so why bother with all this stuff?
00:58:08So when we call up her old man, you want her to tell him where we stashed her?
00:58:12I'll get it through that thick skull of yours, dumbhead.
00:58:14What she don't know, she can't tell.
00:58:16Okay?
00:58:18Let me rub her out.
00:58:20Just stick to the road, pal, like I told you.
00:58:22I'll rub her out.
00:58:23Shut that moron up, will you?
00:58:25Do her right.
00:58:26Now!
00:58:29Listen, birdbrain, we don't snuff her unless there's no other way.
00:58:33What if something goes wrong?
00:58:35So long as you follow orders, nothing will.
00:58:37I'll take the next turning on the left.
00:58:39I can keep it real cool and steady.
00:58:42I am going to do something, as soon as I get the chance.
00:58:45It's a bit difficult with a gun pointing at my head, though.
00:58:53Okay, buddy.
00:58:54Turn left through those gates.
00:59:03Keep going.
00:59:07Further.
00:59:09That's it.
00:59:10Now, pull up.
00:59:13Get that broad out of the cab.
00:59:15Here, give me a rub in mount two.
00:59:17I mean, what's to stop him shooting his mouth off?
00:59:19Okay, buddy.
00:59:21Out of the cab.
00:59:22Nice and easy now.
00:59:24No sudden moves or this baby goes off.
00:59:27All right, buddy, out of the cab.
00:59:29Keep it cool.
00:59:31Put your hands on your head.
00:59:33Now, turn around.
00:59:34Come on, turn around.
00:59:36Now, get moving.
00:59:37Turn around.
00:59:38Turn around.
00:59:52Get up.
01:00:05Come on, hands against the wall.
01:00:09LAUGHTER
01:00:14Look, come on, you can relax now.
01:00:16Look at him. He fell for it.
01:00:19I don't believe it. Look at his face.
01:00:23I'm sorry if we scared you.
01:00:25The whole thing was a joke. Everything.
01:00:28You see, we were at this party.
01:00:30And someone suggested that we wouldn't dare try it in the street.
01:00:33And the no cabbie would believe it.
01:00:35So they bet us 20 quid to do it.
01:00:37No hard feelings?
01:00:38No hard feelings.
01:00:39I've been losing fares while you've been doing all this.
01:00:42LAUGHTER
01:00:47Oh, don't forget to get the paper signed.
01:00:49Oh, yes. I almost forgot about that.
01:00:51Look, we have to bring back some kind of proof that we actually did it.
01:00:54Look, do you think you'd mind signing your name to this bit of paper?
01:00:57And if you could add your cab number, that would be great.
01:01:00LAUGHTER
01:01:08Thanks, mate.
01:01:16MUSIC PLAYS
01:01:19Oh, yeah!
01:01:23I can see
01:01:25Ain't much you can say to me
01:01:27Now I feel so good
01:01:30I'm free
01:01:32Ain't no love gonna knock me
01:01:35Out of my way
01:01:38I can't stay
01:01:41Oh, you gotta
01:01:43Say now tonight
01:01:46We're gonna have a good time
01:01:50We're gonna have a good time
01:01:54It's true
01:01:57Cos the roof is gonna get me down off this roof
01:02:01It's a lie
01:02:04I just can't live right off in this guy now
01:02:09I wanna say
01:02:12To everyone here today
01:02:15It's true
01:02:18We're gonna have a good time
01:02:21We're gonna have a good time
01:02:28Hello, Maisie.
01:02:30Hello, Joe.
01:02:32Well, come on, love. Don't be nervous. I won't bite you off.
01:02:39Where to, darling?
01:02:40Oh, the usual, love.
01:02:41What, round the block?
01:02:42Yeah, that'll do. Just keep on driving. I'll give you a yell when I'm finished.
01:02:45Right.
01:02:46Here. You heard about Glenda, didn't you?
01:02:48Oh, sorry, love. Be with you in a minute.
01:02:51Glenda?
01:02:52Yeah. She married an Arab she picked up.
01:02:55I thought I hadn't seen her around.
01:02:56Yeah. An Arab. With oil wells and everything.
01:03:00Mind you, it was only a matter of time before she hooked some old geezer.
01:03:03It's funny. I'd never have thought that about her.
01:03:05What, getting married?
01:03:06Yeah.
01:03:07But, Glenda, you're joking.
01:03:08Every time she opened her mouth, a wedding bell popped out.
01:03:13So, how's business with you?
01:03:14Oh, well, it's quietened down a bit now the tourist season's over, but I don't do too bad.
01:03:20Tell you what, love.
01:03:21You get it out and start practising and I'll join you in a minute.
01:03:24Here, Joe. Could I have this one on credit?
01:03:27You know, I've just had the electricity bill in.
01:03:29Yeah, that's OK.
01:03:30Oh, you are lovely. I'll make it up next time, I promise.
01:03:34Don't worry about it. It's my pleasure.
01:03:36Tell you what, I didn't know I'd get a flight the other week.
01:03:39I thought I'd caught a dose, didn't I?
01:03:41All right. Don't worry.
01:03:44You have a very nasty cough there.
01:03:46You should get it seen to. It might be serious.
01:03:49That's an awful one I've had this week with the cold.
01:03:51Only hope to God I don't go down with it.
01:03:53That's my trouble, you know.
01:03:55Anything that's going around, I seem to pick up.
01:03:57Yeah, I had noticed.
01:03:59Anyway, love, I can't sit here chatting all day.
01:04:01I've got to get back to work.
01:04:19Oh, my God!
01:04:27SIREN BLARES
01:04:31WHISTLING
01:04:33BEEP
01:04:54Something tells me this could be my lucky night.
01:04:56Number 24, you said?
01:04:5824, yes.
01:05:00Oh, a right little sex bomb, this one.
01:05:03I mean, you can tell from that voice, can't you?
01:05:05All husky and sexy.
01:05:07I reckon this one will need the smooth, suave, James Bond-type cheddar.
01:05:11You, er...
01:05:13You in the movies, then?
01:05:15Sorry?
01:05:16No, it's just that I thought I recognised your face from somewhere.
01:05:19I'd swear I'd seen you on the telly or the pictures,
01:05:21somewhere like that.
01:05:23Possibly.
01:05:24I knew it. I knew you were in show business.
01:05:27Are you famous, then?
01:05:29Well, if I was, you'd know who I am, wouldn't you?
01:05:32Yeah, well, I do. It's just that your name escapes me for the moment, that's all.
01:05:36Bunny McQueen.
01:05:38Bunny McQueen, of course!
01:05:40How could I ever forget that?
01:05:42Bunny McQueen?
01:05:44Oh, I get it, Bunny.
01:05:46Must work at that Playboy club.
01:05:48You know, one of those birds with long, floppy ears,
01:05:50all dressed up like rabbits.
01:05:52Oh, yeah, probably been in that Playboy magazine.
01:05:55You know, playmate of the month.
01:05:58I bet if I looked, I'd find a picture of you on Tom's garage wall.
01:06:02Who's Tom?
01:06:03Oh, he's a guy I live with.
01:06:05Is he nice?
01:06:06Yeah, he's all right. He's not as nice as you, though.
01:06:10She fancies me, don't she?
01:06:12Oh, I'm in here if I play me cards right.
01:06:16Make yourself at home.
01:06:24Sit down, relax.
01:06:26Well, I should sit over there, if I were you.
01:06:28It's more comfortable.
01:06:33I'll just get the wine.
01:06:36I'll just get the wine.
01:06:38I'll just get the wine.
01:06:40I'll just get the wine.
01:06:42I'll just get the wine.
01:06:45There we are.
01:06:47Well, here we are, then.
01:06:50Have you been together long?
01:06:52What?
01:06:53This boy you live with.
01:06:55Oh, Tom? No, just a few weeks.
01:06:57Well, we've known each other for a couple of years now,
01:06:59but we've only been living together a short time.
01:07:01Well, he's not going to get jealous if he comes back and finds me here.
01:07:04No, he'll probably fancy you himself.
01:07:08Oh, let me.
01:07:14Oh, must need a new flint.
01:07:16Hang on, I've got some matches somewhere.
01:07:24Sorry about that.
01:07:39I think that's a really great outfit you're wearing.
01:07:41Oh, do you like it?
01:07:43I design all my own clothes.
01:07:45Yeah, well, it looks terrific.
01:07:47I suppose I shouldn't really be wearing it now,
01:07:49but after I've finished work, I just want to get away.
01:07:51I can't be bothered to change.
01:07:53Oh, no, you mustn't change. I mean, you look great as you are.
01:07:56A real turn-on, honest.
01:07:58It's a tough one, this.
01:08:00Oh, do you want me to do it?
01:08:02No, no, it's all right. Get it out in a minute.
01:08:05Come on, why don't you let me try?
01:08:07No, you'll never do it.
01:08:10Have you got the glasses ready?
01:08:12What? Oh, yeah.
01:08:17Sorry, we're a bit short on glasses.
01:08:25Well, this is very nice.
01:08:29Thank you.
01:08:31I think you're very nice.
01:08:33You, er, comfortable, are you?
01:08:36Mm, thank you.
01:08:38Thank you.
01:08:40I think you're really something.
01:08:42Really, I do.
01:08:44I hope you won't mind if I say this,
01:08:47but I think you've got the most beautifully shaped breasts I've ever seen.
01:08:51Really beautiful.
01:08:53Yes, yet they're much better now.
01:08:55Mind you, they cost me a fortune.
01:08:57So, um, why don't we give them a little air to breathe, eh?
01:09:03You've got lovely legs and all.
01:09:05Really lovely.
01:09:07I had to shave them, of course.
01:09:11Bloody hell!
01:09:13What's the matter?
01:09:14You! You're Othello!
01:09:16But of course I am. What did you think I was?
01:09:19I wonder if I could have him under the Trace Descriptions Act.
01:10:03Christ, your money. Just call me.
01:10:05Get going, Mr Fast.
01:10:06What's up?
01:10:07Never mind now. Just drive.
01:10:09How? How am I wrong?
01:10:16Must have gone to the same party.
01:10:18Still, ten at a time, I should care. I'll play the game.
01:10:20Can't you go any faster?
01:10:22I do my best, but watch out for the law. I don't want to get done.
01:10:24Yeah, we'll take care of that. Just drive.
01:10:26Left!
01:10:27Christ, my money!
01:10:28You might give me some warmth, wouldn't you?
01:10:31All cars, all cars west.
01:10:32Montgomery and Pride Street.
01:10:33Your attention is called to a black London taxi
01:10:35believed to contain suspects.
01:10:37Riding 1505.
01:10:39What do we do? Stop them all?
01:10:41Turn right, just where their van is.
01:10:43Wouldn't it be easier if you told me where we're making for?
01:10:45I mean, we could have an accident at this rate.
01:10:47Look, I'm giving the orders round here, so shut up and keep driving.
01:10:50Oh, well, I suppose I've got to come on heavy,
01:10:52otherwise it wouldn't count.
01:10:54I wonder when they'll get round to the bit about doing me in.
01:10:56Not as good as the last lot.
01:10:58Not as good as the last lot?
01:11:00Much more realistic, they were.
01:11:02We being followed?
01:11:06Don't think so.
01:11:08That's all right.
01:11:09They're going in the opposite direction.
01:11:11It's all clear, he could drop us off at the end here.
01:11:13Are you kidding? He's coming with us.
01:11:15We may need a hostage.
01:11:16Look, mate, why don't I just drop you here like your mate suggested, eh?
01:11:19Then I can sign your paper and you can be on your way.
01:11:21Paper?
01:11:22I just think it would save us all a lot of time, that's all.
01:11:24What paper? What are you talking about?
01:11:26Oh, for your mates.
01:11:27I hereby declare I've done the dreadful deed and all that rubbish.
01:11:29I won't tell them I cottoned on.
01:11:31Listen, just shut up and keep driving.
01:11:34Oh, come on now, don't let's get carried away.
01:11:36I mean, a joke's a joke, but I keep losing business doing this lot.
01:11:38Yeah, and I won't be the only thing you'll lose.
01:11:40You don't boat up.
01:11:41Oh, look, fair is fair, but you go too far.
01:11:43I'm not going to sign your paper.
01:11:44I'm warning you, so just watch your step.
01:11:45I see you.
01:11:46Left, sharp left.
01:11:49Hang about.
01:11:51What's all this, then?
01:11:52Go right down the end of the garage, drive right in.
01:11:55Oh, I get it, I get it.
01:11:57You will if you don't boat up.
01:11:58It's bleeding Tom, isn't it?
01:12:00I mean, I told him about the other kidnap and he thought...
01:12:03very funny.
01:12:22What are you doing here?
01:12:23You should know.
01:12:24What a bloody prank.
01:12:25Look, it's costing me money, this game.
01:12:27You know him?
01:12:29Of course he bloody knows me.
01:12:30I live here, don't I?
01:12:31Uh, what happened?
01:12:33Where's the car?
01:12:34Parked on a double yellow line, didn't he?
01:12:36Eh?
01:12:37We do the job, come rushing out with the stuff.
01:12:39There's a getaway car being done for parking.
01:12:41Had to come back by cab.
01:12:42And if all the cabs in London you had to pick...
01:12:45Ha ha!
01:12:46Oh, no!
01:12:48Ha ha ha ha ha!
01:12:53I still say we can't trust him.
01:12:54I'm telling you, he's a mate.
01:12:56He's not going to shop us.
01:12:57I won't, I won't.
01:12:58And I say we shouldn't chance it.
01:12:59Look, I'm not going to say anything.
01:13:00As far as I'm concerned, it never happened.
01:13:02I don't know nothing about us.
01:13:03See?
01:13:04Now, I'll guarantee you.
01:13:05Now, don't worry.
01:13:06Don't worry?
01:13:07How much do you think I'm worth?
01:13:08Now, look, Nicky, we haven't got time for all that.
01:13:10Love, take them off, please.
01:13:11I knew I'd look good in expensive things.
01:13:13Yeah, you look lovely.
01:13:14Now, get them off.
01:13:16Right, well, if you've all finished with me...
01:13:18I think I'd better get back to work.
01:13:19Sit down.
01:13:20You ain't going anywhere.
01:13:24You expecting anyone?
01:13:26It's all right.
01:13:27It's not the law.
01:13:30And I thought taxi driving was a strain.
01:13:32Right, let's get this stuff away somewhere.
01:13:34It's making me nervous lying around the place.
01:13:36Yeah, where are you going to put it?
01:13:37I know a place where no one will look.
01:13:38Nicky?
01:13:39Oh, I'm here, Monty.
01:13:45Christ almighty!
01:13:46Hello.
01:13:47What are you doing here?
01:13:48You two know each other?
01:13:50Yeah, he's my brother, isn't he?
01:13:53Bloody hell, what's that?
01:13:55A hippopotamus.
01:13:57What the hell are you doing mixed up in all this?
01:13:59Well, I'm in the bedtime now, aren't I?
01:14:01I don't believe it.
01:14:02I just don't believe it.
01:14:03I was driving the getaway car, wasn't I?
01:14:05Oh, yeah.
01:14:06Parked in a double yellow line.
01:14:07I've done it before and never got nicked.
01:14:09So tell us what happened.
01:14:10Nothing happened.
01:14:11I got a bollocking.
01:14:12You lot came running out of the shop with the stuff.
01:14:14Well, the copper, he forgot about me, so I drove off.
01:14:17Yeah, we should have been with you.
01:14:19Well, it looks like you managed to pick up a cab all right, don't it?
01:14:21Little bleeder.
01:14:22Oh, do you?
01:14:23I saw what happened.
01:14:24Didn't know it was Joe driving it, though.
01:14:26How much did he charge you?
01:14:27I think you're very funny, don't you, eh?
01:14:29Come on, Harry, lay off.
01:14:31Yeah, well, how do we know he wasn't followed?
01:14:33Bloody amateur, coming straight back here.
01:14:35So what else was I supposed to do?
01:14:36It wasn't me that were following.
01:14:38Yeah, well, any more cheating, I'll lay one on you so hard,
01:14:40my fist will come out the back of your head.
01:14:42Take it easy, Harry, yeah?
01:14:43The kid didn't mean nothing.
01:14:44Just let it rest, OK?
01:14:45Yeah, trouble is mine.
01:14:46The kid didn't mean nothing.
01:14:47Just let it rest, OK?
01:14:48Trouble is, my friends, what do we do now?
01:14:50I mean, for all we know, they might have taken Joe's number.
01:14:53For all we know, they might be on the way round here right now.
01:14:56Taken my number?
01:14:57Oh, that's great, that is.
01:14:58That's really landed me in it.
01:15:00Tom's right, we ought to split before they get on to us.
01:15:02Yeah, we'll meet up tomorrow like we planned.
01:15:05Too late, they're here.
01:15:09Can't see anyone.
01:15:10Well, it's not ringing on its own.
01:15:12Who is it?
01:15:13If nobody makes a sound, perhaps they'll go away.
01:15:17Look, maybe you'd better go and see who it is.
01:15:19What?
01:15:20Do you want me to go?
01:15:21You stay right where you are.
01:15:23Yeah, go on.
01:15:27It's no use hiding, I know you're in there, John North.
01:15:30Bloody hell, that's all I need.
01:15:32Answer this door or I'll scream the place down.
01:15:35You let me in or I'm warning you, I'll get the police and lock the door in.
01:15:39Oh, Carol.
01:15:41You took your time, didn't you?
01:15:43Where is he?
01:15:44Who?
01:15:45Oh, Joe.
01:15:47Who do you think I meant, Mickey Mouse?
01:15:50He's out.
01:15:51Working.
01:15:53What? When his taxi's here?
01:15:55What's he driving? Awesome cart?
01:15:57His taxi's not here.
01:15:58He's out in it.
01:16:00Really?
01:16:01Well, I have just bumped into the tall lady from number three
01:16:04with a toy poodle and a blue rinse.
01:16:06And according to her, Joe's taxi drove into your garage ten minutes ago.
01:16:11So unless he's gone straight through your back wall, it's still here, isn't it?
01:16:16Well, you see, I wouldn't know about that because I was asleep.
01:16:22He's up there, isn't he?
01:16:24He's up there with another bloody bird!
01:16:28Joe, get rid of her.
01:16:30What am I supposed to do?
01:16:32If I find you in a compromising position with your knickers down, I'll...
01:16:36Hello.
01:16:39Didn't know you had company.
01:16:41Hello, Carol.
01:16:43I just came to tell you that I've forgiven you
01:16:46for what you was doing last time I saw you.
01:16:48Oh, er, thank you.
01:16:50Yes. I've thought it over very carefully
01:16:52and I decided that what you did was a moment of weakness on your behalf.
01:16:57So I have forgiven you.
01:16:59Great.
01:17:00I thought you'd be pleased.
01:17:01Yeah, great.
01:17:03Well, aren't you going to introduce me...
01:17:08to your friends?
01:17:09Oh, yes, um, this is Peter.
01:17:11Yes, I know Peter.
01:17:13And Tom and that Nicky as well.
01:17:15And, um, this is, er, Jeremy.
01:17:18Jimmy, pleased to meet you.
01:17:19And, er, Rupert.
01:17:21Pleased to meet you.
01:17:22I'm Joe's fiancée, Carol Hotchkiss.
01:17:25Actually, Harry, Bernard and Jim were just about to leave.
01:17:28Er, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're going.
01:17:31Yeah.
01:17:33Bye, Rupert.
01:17:34Nice to have met you.
01:17:38What did you say they do for a living?
01:17:40Insurance. Bank computers.
01:17:45What's going on?
01:17:46What do you mean? Nothing. Why?
01:17:49Is there something I'm not supposed to know about?
01:17:52It's just that I get the impression...
01:17:55I mean, what's he doing here for a start?
01:17:58Just come to see my brother, haven't I?
01:18:01You've got someone here, haven't you?
01:18:03Another woman.
01:18:04Another naked tart in the bedroom.
01:18:07Oh, for God's sake.
01:18:08Look, there's no one here but us, that's all.
01:18:10How am I supposed to know that?
01:18:11Well, you've just got a suspicious mind.
01:18:12That's your trouble.
01:18:13Worse than the CIA.
01:18:14Into everything.
01:18:15If I caught you with another woman,
01:18:17Joan will also help me.
01:18:18I would kill you, I would.
01:18:19Especially after I've forgiven you for your misdemeanour.
01:18:23Listen, darling, you know you're the only girl in the world for me.
01:18:26It's just that, um, I've learnt my lesson.
01:18:29Come on, let's go down to the pub and have a drink, eh?
01:18:32Do you really mean that?
01:18:33Yes, I'm thirsty, I could do with one.
01:18:35No, about me being the only girl in the world.
01:18:38Of course I do.
01:18:39Come on.
01:18:40Oh, well, don't push me, all right?
01:18:41I mean, the pub's aren't even open yet.
01:18:43So, we can wait.
01:18:44Which one did you want to go to anyway?
01:18:49Thank God for that.
01:18:53Good day, sir.
01:18:54Madam, going somewhere, were we?
01:18:57Who are you?
01:18:58Do you mind if we step inside, sir?
01:19:00What did you want?
01:19:01If you don't mind, sir.
01:19:08No, you see, we were just on our way out.
01:19:10I had noticed.
01:19:11Yes, we were waiting till the pub's opened.
01:19:14Inspector Rogers, CID.
01:19:16And this is Sergeant Jeeves.
01:19:18Afternoon, all.
01:19:19I rather thought you might be able to help us with our enquiries.
01:19:23Oh, what's been happening?
01:19:26Oi, you've got to search, Warren.
01:19:28Why? You hiding something?
01:19:32You're with him, and you're with him.
01:19:36Right?
01:19:39So, who were you with?
01:19:41Myself.
01:19:42Joe, what's this all about?
01:19:44You're a bit young to be in this sort of league, aren't you?
01:19:47I didn't know there was an age limit.
01:19:49What are we supposed to be helping his enquiries with?
01:19:51Come, love.
01:19:52It's to do with sex, isn't it?
01:19:54You've been having orgies up here, haven't you?
01:19:56That's what it is, isn't it? Orgies.
01:19:58No, ma'am.
01:19:59Well, it must be something like that.
01:20:01I mean, if Joe's anything to do with it, it must be sexy.
01:20:03You've got a one-track mind, you have.
01:20:05All right, if it's not orgies, what is it, then?
01:20:07You might say it's a little treasure hunt.
01:20:11Joe, what have you got yourself mixed up with now?
01:20:13Nothing.
01:20:14I bet you have.
01:20:15Especially if there's a woman involved.
01:20:17Listen, there's nothing up here.
01:20:19Not according to your two friends.
01:20:21We've got them outside.
01:20:22We've got them outside.
01:20:23Picked them up a few minutes ago.
01:20:25What two friends?
01:20:26We know all about your little caper at the jewellers.
01:20:28I'm sorry, I really don't know what you're talking about.
01:20:31Why don't you just come clean?
01:20:33Your friends have.
01:20:36Found any little trinkets yet?
01:20:38Not yet, sir.
01:20:39You're not going to find anything, you know.
01:20:41We'll see.
01:20:42Life's full of little surprises, isn't it?
01:20:44Jesus Christ!
01:20:45I'm sorry, sir, I didn't mean to shout.
01:20:47It's just there's a bloody snake in there.
01:20:49That is Monty.
01:20:50He is my speciality.
01:20:52And he's very highly strung.
01:20:54Please don't upset him.
01:20:55He's got a performance tonight.
01:20:57There's nothing there, sir.
01:20:58Told you.
01:20:59Yeah, I've just realised.
01:21:01You're looking for stolen property.
01:21:04Carol, why don't you belt up?
01:21:06Look at the cheek of it.
01:21:07I mean, coming in here and searching this place like we're all criminals.
01:21:10Oh, you.
01:21:11Tell him, Joe.
01:21:12Go on, tell him.
01:21:13Carol, Carol, will you shut up, Carol?
01:21:15Go on, go on, tell him.
01:21:16Ask to see his search warrant.
01:21:18Go on, ask, ask.
01:21:19Ask.
01:21:20Go on, go on.
01:21:21If you don't ask, I shall never speak to you again,
01:21:23even though I have forgiven you.
01:21:27Have you got something to say, then?
01:21:29Well, um, Inspector...
01:21:30Go on, go on, tell him to get out.
01:21:31Er, yes, um...
01:21:32And tell him to apologise.
01:21:34Tell him you know your rights.
01:21:35Tell him you'll sue him for liable if he don't apologise.
01:21:38She'll get me jailed for life.
01:21:39Go on, Joe, tell him.
01:21:41Joe is my fiancé.
01:21:42Well, um, Inspector, as you don't appear to have found anything...
01:21:46That's right, really lay it on him.
01:21:48I suggest we, um, call it a day, don't you?
01:21:51That's a bit pathetic, isn't it?
01:21:53Carol!
01:21:54I mean, he's just called us a bunch of criminals.
01:21:56We could sue him for that.
01:21:57Excuse me, ma'am.
01:21:58I haven't called any of you criminals.
01:22:01Yet.
01:22:02Oh, yes, you did.
01:22:03I heard you.
01:22:04You said we had stolen goods.
01:22:06What sort of people do you think we are,
01:22:08accusing us of being criminals?
01:22:09We are respectable, we are.
01:22:11I have never done anything criminal in my life.
01:22:13I work in a supermarket.
01:22:15And as for Joe, well, he's a taxi driver.
01:22:17And Peter is, well...
01:22:19And as for Tom, well, you could hardly call him a criminal.
01:22:22He's a mechanic.
01:22:23Nicky!
01:22:24And Nicky, well, she's respectable, she's a stripper.
01:22:26Nicky!
01:22:27And so the last thing you could ever find in this place
01:22:29will be stolen property.
01:22:48MUSIC PLAYS
01:23:14Just been visiting Tom.
01:23:15Poor bastard.
01:23:16Got five years, him and his mates.
01:23:18I thought I was going to go down myself at one point.
01:23:20But as I explained to them, I was a victim of the circumstances.
01:23:23And they let me off with a caution.
01:23:25Mind you, I think they were glad to see the back of me.
01:23:27Because Carol was pestering the life out of them.
01:23:29Nicky got out of it all right.
01:23:31Probation, first offence.
01:23:33Tom's asked me to keep an eye on her for him.
01:23:35That's a favour I shan't mind doing.
01:23:37Lost me a lot of time, though, all this business with the law.
01:23:40Lost me a place to live and all.
01:23:42Guess where I've ended up?
01:23:44Nothing like home cooking, is there?
01:23:46Not like your home cooking, there isn't.
01:23:48Carol rang up, said she'd be round at six.
01:23:51You were taking her out.
01:23:52Oh, yeah, that's really lumbered me in it, that is.
01:23:55Well, the only good thing that's come out of this is you.
01:23:57Getting off on probation.
01:23:58Really shook you up, that bus with the law.
01:24:00Good thing, too. Turned over a new leaf, you have.
01:24:03You still eat anything that lies stood on a plate, though, don't you?
01:24:06Still, you've learnt your lesson. I'm glad to see it.
01:24:09Good to see you going straight.
01:24:11Oh, I'm off.
01:24:12Where's me fares book?
01:24:17Bloody hell!
01:24:18Here.
01:24:19Don't you bloody swear in front of the baby.
01:24:22Teaches her bad habits.
01:24:42Hello, darling. Which bridge do you want this time?
01:25:01Post Office Tower, please.
01:25:12Taxi driver.
01:25:14My man's a taxi driver.
01:25:18My man's a taxi driver.
01:25:20Won't you be my cruisin'?
01:25:23Casanella.
01:25:25Tick your fingers and I'll be over there.
01:25:29Smoothing your hair.
01:25:31Soothing your cares away.
01:25:34There's no refusing.
01:25:37Casanella.
01:25:39Stop the clock and we're working overtime.
01:25:43Cruisin' Casanella will be mine.
01:25:48Casanella will be mine.
01:25:51Casanella will be mine.
01:26:10Casanella.
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