• 6 months ago
Transcript
00:30How are you feeling, Mr. Lister?
00:49Much better, thanks, Crichton.
00:52Much, much better.
00:55Well you certainly look better.
00:57Far better.
00:58I can't believe how much the swelling's gone down overnight.
01:01Do you reckon?
01:02Oh, definitely.
01:03It was almost interfering with the ceiling fan yesterday afternoon.
01:06You're nearly back to your old self.
01:08In fact, you can hardly tell you've got space mumps at all.
01:11So when can I have a mirror?
01:13I don't think we're quite ready for a mirror just yet, sir.
01:16Let's take it one step at a time, shall we?
01:18Oh, there.
01:19What did I tell you?
01:20It's gone down eight inches overnight.
01:22You'll be up and about in no time.
01:25I don't know what I'd have done without you these last three weeks, Crichton.
01:28You're like Florence Nightingdroid.
01:30Did you bring my breakfast?
01:33Yes, sir.
01:34Hot lager with croutons.
01:35Just the way you like it, sir.
01:37You certainly find out who your mates are when you've got an unsightly disfiguring ailment.
01:41Oh, I wouldn't say unsightly, sir.
01:43Get up to time, Crichton.
01:44I've got a head like a hot air balloon.
01:47I like the human lightbulb.
01:49And how many times have they visited me?
01:51How many times have they dropped by with a word of comfort or a bunch of grapes?
01:55It's just not been possible, sir.
01:56Mr. Rimmer's been on vacation.
01:58Vacation?
01:59The world's most charismatic man?
02:01Where did he go?
02:02He's been on a rambling holiday through the diesel decks.
02:05A ten-day hike through the ship's combustion engines with two of the scutters.
02:09He said he'd pop by later and show you the slides.
02:12He didn't, did he?
02:13Well, he's been loading the projection carousel for 24 hours now, sir.
02:17You've got to stop him?
02:19A slide show of the diesel decks?
02:21That could really finish me off.
02:23I would have thought the cat would have dropped in, though.
02:25He's been a bit preoccupied of late, what with all his pod business.
02:28Oh, screw down my diodes and call me Frank.
02:32I wasn't supposed to mention that.
02:34What pod?
02:35Oh, now, you're not well, sir.
02:37Now, just forget I mentioned it.
02:38Come on, Crichton.
02:39What pod?
02:40Oh, yesterday evening, we came across an escape pod floating in the local asteroid belt.
02:45It contains the survivor of some space crash, apparently cryogenically frozen.
02:49Oh, yeah?
02:50All these signs are she's in a suitable condition for revival.
02:53She?
02:54As far as we can tell, she's a she, yes.
02:57That's just great, isn't it?
02:59That's just typical.
03:00The first female company in three million years
03:03and I look like something that belongs up a whale's nose.
03:07Check.
03:08You can't get up, sir.
03:09What are you doing?
03:10What do you think I'm doing?
03:11There's a woman on board.
03:12I'm on the cop.
03:16So, who is she, Holmes?
03:17It says on the pod, Barbara Bellini.
03:19Barbara Bellini.
03:20What a beautiful name.
03:22It's no justice.
03:23How could this happen to me?
03:26Maybe I could wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.
03:29Maybe you could stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal.
03:33Well, thanks for visiting me, man.
03:35Thanks a lot.
03:36Look at you.
03:37You know what you look like?
03:38It's nauseating.
03:39You could go double dating with the elephant man and he would be the looker.
03:44Why isn't this activated?
03:46What?
03:47What?
03:48How come no one started up the Thor process?
03:50I thought Alphabet Head did it.
03:52So, who is she, man?
03:53Where's she from?
03:54Who cares?
03:55At last, a date.
03:57Who says she's going to be interested in you?
03:59I see what you're saying.
04:01All this time alone in deep space could have driven her insane, right?
04:04No.
04:05Say she's just an ordinary person who doesn't go for your type.
04:07I'd have heard about her.
04:09She'd have appeared in Ripley's Believe It or Not.
04:11Say she's interested in somebody else.
04:13Like who?
04:14I don't know.
04:15Like...
04:16Well, like me.
04:17You've got a head like a watermelon.
04:19What are you going to do?
04:21Paint it with yellow and black stripes and tell her you play quarterback with the Bengals?
04:25You think you're a little bit cocky for a guy who's never actually met a real woman before?
04:29I've seen mirrors.
04:30I have eyes.
04:31Let's face it, buddy.
04:32I have a body that makes men wet.
04:36Have you ever heard of an animal called an Iranian Jerd?
04:39No.
04:40It can do 150 pelvic thrusts a second.
04:43So?
04:44That's me in slow-mo.
04:45Put a blackened deck of drill on the end and I can make it through walls, boy!
04:52Listie, what are you doing up?
04:54Shouldn't you be in the greenhouse with the rest of the cantaloupes?
04:59Who started the RP?
05:01He didn't.
05:02You simple-minded gimboy.
05:03Didn't I tell you to leave this to me?
05:05What's the problem?
05:06She's in there.
05:07Let's get her out.
05:08The problem, pussycat Willem, is this capsule was ejected from a prison ship.
05:14A prison ship on which the convicts mutinied.
05:16There was a pitched battle with only two survivors.
05:19One prisoner, one guard.
05:21The erstwhile Ms. Bellini.
05:23One of those two got into this pod and escaped.
05:25But of course you'll know all of this having familiarised yourself thoroughly with the black box recording.
05:30So if it's not Bellini in there, then who is it?
05:33One of the prisoners.
05:34And considering that ship was transporting 40 psychotic, half-crazed, mass-murdering, super-strong androids,
05:41we thought it prudent to find out who the smeg was in there before we woke them up.
05:45With respect, sir, they're not androids, they're simulants.
05:48What's the difference?
05:49Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.
05:55Can you stop it, Paul?
05:57What?
05:58Oh, no.
05:59One-way process.
06:01Well, can't we find out who's in there by X-raying the pod?
06:04No.
06:05Lead lining.
06:06That's to survive in space, isn't it?
06:08Well, there must be some way of finding out.
06:10Well, there is.
06:11All you have to do is hang around here for 24 hours.
06:14Then, if you find your limbs scattered around deep space and your neck full of saliva,
06:18you take it as read, it probably wasn't bad.
06:22Why don't we tool up with bazookoids, wait for the pod to open,
06:25and if it's one of these bad-ass android dudes, let it eat laser.
06:29Simulants are virtually indestructible, sir.
06:31It could easily withstand a volley of bazookoid fire at close range with only minimal damage.
06:36It could certainly survive long enough to make balloon animals out of your lower intestines.
06:40Well, I see no other option.
06:42Let's blast it back into space.
06:44Hang on.
06:45Say it isn't the simulant.
06:47You can't just shoot an innocent woman into space.
06:50What a dilemma.
06:52Inside this pod is either death or a date.
06:55Personally, I'm prepared to take the risk.
06:58Meanwhile, the pod is defrosting and we still haven't decided what to do.
07:02Holly, any ideas?
07:03Right, here's a possibility.
07:05This box contains the coordinates of the penal colony the prison ship was heading for.
07:09So?
07:10Well, there's bound to be facilities there to contain any hostile lifeform.
07:14If it turns out to be Bellini, we release her.
07:17If it's the simulant, we can bung him in a cell and leave him to rot.
07:20If the colony's still there and if it's still operational.
07:23There's an old android saying which I believe has particular relevance here.
07:27It goes like this.
07:28If you don't ghost up a program loop, you'll never get a subroutine.
07:32Use an expression which is pretty similar.
07:34Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
07:36Oh no, I think the android one is punchier.
07:43Do you have to sit up here?
07:44It's warmer in the front, it helps my gunge.
07:46I can't see anything.
07:47Your head keeps getting in the way of the mirror.
07:49It's like my head keeps getting in the way of the windscreen.
07:52Next.
07:53Ah, now this one.
07:55We reach this beauty on the evening of the fourth day.
07:58Cameron Macintosh 40-valve air-cooled diesel.
08:01The 184.
08:03Almost identical to the 179.
08:05But have you noticed the difference?
08:06See the refinement in the funnel edgings?
08:12Therefore we're never going to get another chance to see one of these.
08:14So we bivouac down for the night under the fuel pump.
08:17There's a funny story about that which I'll tell you later.
08:19But we're not going to get to any of the class fives unless we push along.
08:22Next.
08:23Ah, perfect.
08:25Sir, could we take a break for a while?
08:27It appears my intelligence circuits have melted.
08:32Well, we're not going to get through them all, Crichton, if we take a second break.
08:35Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take.
08:38Now, the class 40s, the first twin...
08:46God, his head burns.
08:53That is better. That is so much better.
08:56I feel good.
08:58Talk about a weight off your mind.
09:02I don't want to live.
09:04God, please, shoot me in the head.
09:10Sit down there, Hoffman.
09:12No life forms, not according to the heat scan.
09:14Any mechanical intelligence?
09:16Yeah, the mainframe's still operational.
09:18Just initiating interface.
09:20Hang about, here we go, getting a message.
09:22Welcome to Justice World.
09:25Please state your clearance code and prison officer identity.
09:27We're not a prison ship. We don't have a clearance code.
09:29We just want to use your facilities.
09:31State life form inventory.
09:33Four. One hologram, one mechanoid, two humanoid.
09:37Transfer should never come up to my jurisdiction.
09:40Okay, guys.
09:42On landing, please disembark and proceed through the neutral area to the clearance cell.
09:52Until you are granted a clearance code,
09:55please observe all security requirements.
09:57Your party will be met by a consignment of escort boots.
10:04Please step into the booths.
10:12I'm supposed to wear these?
10:14These look like Frankenstein's hand-me-downs.
10:16I'm supposed to wear these?
10:18These look like Frankenstein's hand-me-downs.
10:20Have you got anything with a Cuban heel or a crepe sole?
10:24I can't wear these. I'm a hologram.
10:26That has been accounted for.
10:32Now what?
10:33Now what?
10:47What's this?
10:48Relax, sir. It's just a mind probe.
10:55What's a mind probe?
10:57The computer was just searching our minds,
10:59presumably for any evidence of criminal activities.
11:03What do you mean, criminal activity?
11:05I wouldn't worry about it, sir. It's just a routine clearance procedure.
11:08Yeah, yeah, but when you say criminal activity,
11:10what do you mean by criminal activity?
11:12I mean, how criminal do you mean by criminal?
11:14What are you bleating on about, Lister?
11:16Justifying criminal activity for me, that's all.
11:18Well, imagine a situation where someone had committed a crime
11:21and concealed it from the law.
11:23The mind probe would be able to uncover that crime
11:25and sentence that person accordingly.
11:27Why did no-one tell me this before I put the smegging boots on?
11:30Ah, Lister, Lister, is that a small sewage plant
11:33you're carrying in your trousers?
11:36Or do I detect you're a tad concerned?
11:38Oh, come on, guys. Everyone's done something in their past
11:41that's been a little bit illegal.
11:43I haven't. I've never so much as got a parking ticket.
11:45Oh, smegging hell.
11:46So what did you do?
11:47Well, like scrumping.
11:48When I was a kid back in Liverpool, we used to always go scrumping.
11:51Oh, stealing apples. That's hardly a crime, sir.
11:53Yeah, but me and me mates, we used to go scrumping for cars.
11:57Did you get caught?
11:58All the time. I was stupid.
12:00Oh, well, there's no problem then.
12:02You've already served your punishment.
12:03There were other things as a kid, though.
12:05Things I didn't get caught for.
12:06Like what?
12:07Well, there was this one time at this hotel.
12:09Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels, sir.
12:11I took the bed.
12:13I almost knocked the window to me mate outside.
12:15I was renting this flat, you see. It was unfinished.
12:17You mean to say you went to a hotel and stole the bed?
12:20Stole the entire room?
12:21Absolutely despicable. You're a common thief.
12:24I'm not making excuses, but everyone was doing it.
12:27I wasn't strong enough to go against the flow.
12:29I would not like to be in your boots right now, buddy.
12:32Why? What do you think is going to happen to me?
12:34Oh, don't worry about it, sir.
12:35I'm sure they're not going to be interested in some minor misdemeanor
12:38you committed as an adolescent over three million years ago.
12:41Surgery, Crichton, do you reckon?
12:42Boy, I'm really getting the hang of this lie mode.
12:45That was totally convincing, wasn't it?
12:51Prometheanoid Crichton.
12:53Clear and scrouted.
12:55You may go freely about the complex.
12:59The creature known as Cat.
13:02Clear and scrouted.
13:06Hey, I hear they do good bread and water here, buddy.
13:10The human known as Lister.
13:13Despite a number of petty criminal acts.
13:16Clear and scrouted.
13:18Despite a number of petty criminal acts.
13:21Clear and scrouted.
13:30The hologram known as Rimmer.
13:32Guilty of second-degree murder.
13:36One thousand one hundred and sixty-seven counts.
13:41No, there must be some mistake, surely.
13:43Each count carries a statutory penalty of eight years' penal servitude.
13:48In the light of your hologramatic status,
13:50these sentences are to be served consecutively,
13:53making a total sentence of nine thousand three hundred and twenty-eight years.
14:00Look, I've never so much as returned a library book late.
14:03Second-degree murder?
14:05A thousand people?
14:07I would have remembered.
14:08Your willful negligence in failing to reseal a drive plate
14:13resulted in the deaths of the entire crew of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel,
14:18the Red Dwarf.
14:20Oh, that!
14:24Sentence to commence immediately.
14:29You are now leaving the neutral area and entering the justice zone.
14:33From this point, it is impossible to commit any act of injustice.
14:39No!
14:43No!
14:45Hi, killer.
14:47Nine thousand years. Nine.
14:50I brought you a book.
14:53Oh, thanks. That'll really help the centuries fly past.
14:56Don't panic, man. We're going to get you out of here.
14:59Why bother? I'll be up for parole in another couple of ice ages.
15:01Look, Crichton reckons you've got the right of appeal.
15:03He's trying to put a case together right now.
15:05This isn't a bad place for a prison.
15:07How come there's no locks or bars or guards or anything?
15:10There doesn't need to be.
15:12The whole prison complex is covered by something called the justice field.
15:15I had to sit through this tedious lecture.
15:17Apparently, it's physically impossible to commit any sort of crime here.
15:21What do you mean?
15:22Just try and commit a crime. You'll see.
15:24Well, like what?
15:25I don't know. Anything.
15:27Arson. Try and set fire to those sheets.
15:30OK. Go on. Try it.
15:35Whatever crime you try and commit, the consequences happen to you.
15:38No, no, no.
15:40Smack it off!
15:46Nice example, Remy. Nice example.
15:49You couldn't just explain that to me verbally?
15:53It's the same with stealing. Same with everything.
15:55Right, I'm with you.
15:57So if you nick something, something of yours goes missing, yeah?
16:00Right. Try it.
16:04No.
16:05You see, it's the perfect system.
16:07It forces the inmates to adhere to the law.
16:09Once they get out, it's become second nature.
16:11Good news. The justice computer has sanctioned a retrial.
16:15I think we have a very strong case.
16:17You do?
16:18It's simply a question of differentiating between guilt and culpability, sir.
16:22What the mind probe detected was your own sense of guilt about the accident.
16:26In a way, you tried and convicted yourself.
16:28I simply have to establish that you are a neurotic, underachieving, emotional retard
16:33whose ambition far outstrips his minuscule ability
16:37and consequently blames himself for an accident for which he could not possibly have been responsible.
16:42You're going to prove that I was innocent of negligence on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent?
16:47Man, there ain't a jury in the land that wouldn't buy a plea like that.
16:52Well, no, not a half-wit, exactly. More a buffoon.
16:55But how would you begin to build such a case? Where would you conjure up the evidence?
16:59Sir, providing I can have complete free access to your personal data files,
17:03I think I could come up with the outline of a winning case by lunchtime.
17:09The mind probe was created to detect guilt.
17:12Yet, in the case of Arnold Judas Rimmer,
17:17the guilt it detected attaches to no crime.
17:21He held a position of little or no importance on Red Dwarf.
17:24He was a lowly grease monkey, a zero, a nothing,
17:28a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life.
17:32Yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of underachievement.
17:36His absurdly inflated ego would never permit it.
17:39He's like the security guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation.
17:45So, when the crew were wiped out by a nuclear accident,
17:48Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame.
17:51It was his ship, ergo his fault.
17:54I ask the court, look at this man.
17:57This man who sat and failed his astronavigation exam on no less than 13 occasions.
18:04This sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man, this...
18:08Triton, you're going over the top. The court will never buy it.
18:11Sir, trust me, my whole case hinges on proving you're a dork.
18:16Understood.
18:17I call my first witness.
18:24Name?
18:25Dave Lister.
18:27Occupation?
18:32Er, bum.
18:34Would you describe the accused as a friend?
18:37Take the fifth.
18:38Now, please answer the question.
18:40Remember, you are under polygraphic surveillance.
18:42Would you describe the accused as a friend?
18:45No, describe the accused as a git.
18:48Who would you say, then, is the person who thinks of him most fondly?
18:51I do.
18:52And are there no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him?
18:55Only one, but she's got a punk chair.
18:59Objection!
19:01Overruled.
19:03So you wouldn't describe him as a man with a good social life?
19:06No.
19:07He partied less than Rudolph Hess.
19:09He was totally dedicated to his career.
19:11He was in charge of Z-Shift, you see, and it occupied his every waking moment.
19:15And what was Z-Shift's most important duty?
19:18And what was Z-Shift's most important duty?
19:21Well, we had a lot of important duties on the ship,
19:23but I guess our most vital responsibility
19:25was making sure the vending machines didn't run out of front-size crunchy bars.
19:30Can you ever envisage a situation
19:32where the lack of honeycomb-centred chocolate bars
19:35might be the direct cause of a lethal radiation leak?
19:40Not off the top of my head, no.
19:43You may sit down.
19:45I ask the court one key question.
19:48Would the Space Corps ever have allowed this man
19:51to be in a position of authority
19:53where he might endanger the entire crew?
19:56A man so petty and small-minded
19:59he would while away his evenings
20:01sewing name labels onto his ship-issue condoms.
20:06A man of such awesome stupidity...
20:08Objection!
20:09Objection overruled.
20:11A man of such awesome stupidity
20:13A man of such awesome stupidity
20:15he even objects to his own defence council.
20:18An overzealous, trumped-up little squirt.
20:21Objection!
20:22Overruled.
20:23An incompetent vending machine repairman
20:25with a Napoleon complex
20:27who commanded as much respect and affection
20:29from his fellow crew members
20:31as Long John Silver's parrot.
20:33Objection!
20:34If you object to your own council once more, Mr River,
20:37you'll be in contempt.
20:39Who would permit this man,
20:41this joke of a man,
20:43this man who could not outwit a used tea bag
20:46to be in a position
20:47where he might endanger the entire crew?
20:50Who?
20:51Only a yogurt.
20:54This man is not guilty of manslaughter.
20:57He is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer.
21:01That is his crime.
21:03It is also his punishment.
21:07The defence rests.
21:09Verdict on the defendant will now be passed.
21:12In view of your council's eloquent defence
21:14together with the reams of material evidence
21:16he submitted on computer card,
21:18this court accepts that, in your case,
21:20the mind probe is not an adequate method
21:23of ascertaining guilt.
21:24It is not possible for you to have committed the crimes
21:27for which you blame yourself
21:29and you may therefore go free.
21:32Objection!
21:33Sir, what are you objecting to now?
21:35I want an apology.
21:39Brilliant, Crichton.
21:41What can I say? You were brilliant.
21:43You even had me believing it.
21:45The way you twisted the facts to make them fit this pattern.
21:48Come on, let's get out of here.
21:50I don't know what made us want to come to this hellhole
21:52in the first place.
21:53I do.
21:54Mmm.
21:55Can I smell perfume?
21:57I doubt it.
21:59Are you by any chance Barbara Bellini?
22:01I didn't think so!
22:06What's going on?
22:10Urgh!
22:11To think I caressed his part!
22:33You are now in the blame and justice zone.
22:36Beyond this point, it is impossible to commit any act of injustice.
22:42You are now entering the justice zone.
22:45Beyond this point, it is impossible to commit any act of injustice.
23:06Hey, my friends!
23:21I don't want any trouble.
23:23I just want your space.
23:26Ralph, give me the startup code.
23:29Look, I have no weapon.
23:33What are you waiting for? Gloop him!
23:36I can't.
23:37He's not armed.
23:39Listen, this is not a scout meeting.
23:40We're not trying to win best behaved troop flag.
23:42Gloop him!
23:46What, in the back?
23:47Of course in the back.
23:48It's only a pity he's awake.
23:52You mean you could happily kill him if he was asleep?
23:54I could happily kill him if he was on the job.
23:59It's immoral.
24:01Come on, my friends.
24:03You wouldn't shoot an unarmed droid.
24:07Come out and let's discuss it.
24:13I'm going to go and talk to him.
24:23You want to talk?
24:25Let's talk.
24:27You have no weapons?
24:30No.
24:31You have no weapons?
24:34No.
24:42Guess what?
24:45I lied.
24:47Guess what?
24:50So did I.
24:52But I lied.
24:55Twice.
24:59Didn't think of that.
25:00I'm very glad you didn't.
25:02What do you want to talk about?
25:04Your death.
25:06Your imminent death.
25:23What the speck is going on?
25:32What the speck is going on?
25:48Matey, get me on ahead with this.
25:50Malfunction.
25:52Does not compute.
25:55Action.
25:58Action.
26:02Action.
26:16I got him, buddy.
26:18Leave this to me.
26:19No. No.
26:21Better late than never.
26:33No.
26:39It makes you think though, doesn't it?
26:41I mean, mankind's history has been one long search for justice.
26:44That's what all religions are about.
26:46I mean, they accept life as being basically unfair.
26:48They promise that everyone will get their just deserts later.
26:51Heaven, hell, karma, reincarnation, whatever.
26:54Those guys built that penal colony.
26:56They tried to bring some order to the universe by creating the justice field.
26:59In an environment where justice does exist, you have no free will.
27:02That's why in our universe you can never have true natural justice, guy.
27:05Good things will happen to bad people and bad things will happen to good people.
27:08It's the way it's got to be.
27:09Life by its very nature has to be cruel, unkind and unfair.
27:16Thank God for that.
27:29Let me fly far away from here
27:32Far, far, far
27:35In the sun, sun, sun
27:38I want to lie
27:40Shivering legs and cold my toes
27:42Drinking fresh mango juice
27:45Goldfish jaws
27:47Rippling out my toes
27:49Far, far, far
27:51In the sun, sun, sun
27:55Far, far, far
27:58In the sun, sun, sun