• il y a 6 mois
Transcription
00:00Oh yeah, you're in deep dookie now, Kimasabi.
00:04So why don't you just come clean and tell us the whole story?
00:07Um, okay.
00:08And really paint a picture. Do all the voices.
00:11I'm Nick's dad. I might be gay. And I'm the hot mom. I love Jay like a son and a lover.
00:18You know what? Don't do the voices. You're goddamn terrible at it. Just tell us what happened.
00:22Okay. Well, at the end of every school year, we have this big three-day standardized test, the academic skills survey.
00:28Sure, the asses.
00:29Now that's a hard test.
00:30Yeah, well, I tried to explain to Elliot and Diane that I don't take the asses.
00:34What do you mean you don't take the test?
00:36Principal Barron said I bring down the school's average, so I'm the child they're okay leaving behind.
00:41Every year on test day, they send them to the zoo alone.
00:43Oh, I'm not alone. I hang out with the monkeys. They love close-up magic and are very dear friends.
00:48The school sends you to the zoo?
00:50Uh, hold on. I have a note. Where is it? It's in here somewhere. Hang on.
00:54Oh, I know. I bet it's in the wet section.
00:57Jésus Christ.
00:58Jay, this backpack is a disaster.
01:00No wonder you're struggling at school. You're totally disorganized.
01:03Guys, guys, it's okay. Nobody cares about me.
01:06No, Jay. You're staying with us now, and we care.
01:09Okay, but the monkeys are gonna be disappointed.
01:15One more sleep, then the magic boy returns!
01:19Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay
01:49J'adore ce nouveau moto recov'
01:57C'est facile, j'ai mon dos et mes pieds
01:59Oui, tu as dit ça
02:00Et aussi, je viens de savoir que Trader Joe's a une douche
02:03Si je peux m'y réjuveler, je peux partir à la cour de 20 milles
02:05Il y a une douche à Trader Joe's?
02:07On dirai une douche, mais oui
02:08Tu es en retard
02:10Dis-moi d'abord, tu prends des examens de pratique pour les asses de demain
02:12Maman, calme-toi
02:14Je suis juste excité de te faire commencer cette journée
02:16Tu pourrais être le premier présidente féministe
02:19Attends, nous n'avons jamais eu un précédent féminin ?
02:21Jeannette, c'est trop de pression sur toi !
02:22Tu es encore un enfant !
02:23Tu n'utilises même pas de tampons !
02:25Oui, je ne veux rien mettre à l'intérieur.
02:27Ce diagramme, c'est effrayant !
02:29Où est-ce qu'il y a un pied dans la toilette ?
02:30Jessie, si tu réussis cet examen...
02:32Désolée ?
02:33Quand tu réussis cet examen ?
02:34Je pensais que nous avions un président féminin.
02:35Tu vas entrer dans tous les cours d'honneur.
02:37Je peux totalement imaginer une main de femme sur la Bible.
02:39Et puis Teen Jeopardy, et puis Yale !
02:41Ouais, New Haven !
02:43Qu'est-ce que c'était ?
02:44J'ai laissé ma mère mapper mon chemin vers le White House.
02:46Non, pour un instant, je pensais que j'avais vu cette petite dépresseuse.
02:49Oh, merde, je pensais que j'avais bu ma dépresse.
02:51Oh, tu sais ce que c'est ?
02:53Je pense à House of Cards.
02:54Je ne te manque pas, Greg.
02:55Hey, Andy, pourquoi tu n'es pas allé dormir ?
02:57Squirt, squirt.
02:58Maury, je suis un peu fatigué en ce moment, d'accord ?
03:00J'ai cet examen demain.
03:01Bien sûr, bien sûr, mais...
03:03Tu veux un petit repas ?
03:04Bien sûr que je veux un repas !
03:05Ne me moques pas.
03:06Je suis juste stressé, d'accord ?
03:08Mon père me dit que si je bouge le cul,
03:10je vais devenir un perdant en Floride, comme mon oncle Skip.
03:13Oh, merde, Andrew !
03:14Tu as mis un autre de tes petits-enfants dans mon Slougi.
03:17Pourquoi suis-je marié à Vicky dans ce fantasme ?
03:19La personne que je veux avoir l'amour avec est ma soeur.
03:21On n'est pas mariés non plus !
03:22Mais tu dois toujours payer pour ce bébé, Threadsoda.
03:24Et c'est le guzzler, je peux le dire.
03:26Pourquoi elle l'a appelé un Slougi ?
03:28Je pense que c'est le son qu'il fait.
03:31Docteur Angle, je suis inquiète de la capacité de Jay de se concentrer.
03:34Jay, mon chéri, pourquoi ne pas dire au docteur
03:36ce que sont les jours de l'école pour toi ?
03:37Tout d'abord, je suis toujours super connecté à la salle de bain.
03:39Ensuite, je lève ma peau jusqu'à ce qu'elle pleuve,
03:42à ce moment-là, j'ai commencé à jouer au tambour lentement.
03:46Une fois que Mme Benitez m'a sorti,
03:48c'est quand j'ai, disons, perdu le temps.
03:52Je viens aussi, et c'est l'office de l'assistant-principal,
03:54l'office de l'assistant-principal,
03:55boire des cups de stuff' sur un coup.
03:57Et ensuite, j'ai l'habitude de regarder la fenêtre à un oiseau,
03:59et je me demande, qu'est-ce si j'étais ce oiseau ?
04:01Est-ce que mon bateau serait blanc comme le bateau d'un oiseau ?
04:04Ou est-ce que mon bateau serait vert et liquide comme le mien ?
04:07Assez ! J'ai déjà écrit une prescription pour l'adderall.
04:09Et voici un exemple.
04:10Tu souffres clairement d'ADHD.
04:11Est-ce que tu penses qu'il a besoin d'une thérapie ?
04:13Quoi ? Non, non, c'est pour les pilles.
04:15La thérapie, c'est quand ma femme veut que j'abandonne
04:17un de mes quatre jours de travail,
04:18parce que je moque toujours de tout ce qu'elle dit.
04:21Est-ce que je dois vraiment l'écouter ?
04:22Parfois, la médication peut t'aider.
04:24Tu sais, quand j'avais Judd, j'avais une dépression post-partum.
04:26Terminé ! J'ai totalement déchiré !
04:28Ha ! Maintenant, qu'est-ce qui se passe ?
04:30J'ai besoin d'une thérapie !
04:31J'ai gagné !
04:32J'ai besoin d'une thérapie !
04:33J'ai besoin d'une thérapie !
04:34J'ai gagné !
04:35J'ai gagné !
04:36D'accord, déplacez-vous, bâtards !
04:38Lignez-vous !
04:39Je suis votre sergeant de pilles,
04:40et ce nonsense est terminé !
04:42Vos nouvelles ordres.
04:43Jay va s'assoir doucement sur la route à l'école.
04:45Ha, ha, ha, vous avez raison !
04:46Oh, regardez ici.
04:48Quelqu'un pense qu'ils sont cool.
04:49Nous avons un vrai Andy Garcia sur nos mains.
04:52Eh bien, Garcia,
04:53voyons-toi mesurer le film en public
04:55avec mon doigt sur votre cul !
04:57Je suis désolée, je serai douce sur la route à l'école, je vous promets !
04:59C'est ça !
05:00Jay va écouter,
05:01il va pleurer pendant que Diane parle,
05:03et quand c'est approprié, il va dire !
05:05Wow, incroyable.
05:06Maintenant, Leah,
05:07c'était un bébé facile.
05:09Ils l'ont mis dans un sac.
05:10Wow, incroyable.
05:11Vous sentez ça ?
05:12Jay est finalement calme.
05:14Ah, j'adore l'odeur de Jay calme le matin.
05:18Oh, mon vertigo basé sur l'anxiété s'accroche.
05:20Jessie, soyez un amour,
05:21et appuyez directement sur la poitrine
05:23entre mon doigt et les 4 doigts.
05:24Pas maintenant, je suis en zone.
05:25Oh, ma bouche est si sec.
05:27Les gars, ça va être bien.
05:28Dans le futur, nous serons tous
05:30un chauffeur d'avion ou un milliardaire.
05:31Je ne travaillerai pas pour l'Uber, non.
05:33Parce qu'ils l'ont acheté à l'aéroport
05:35quand la frontière...
05:36Vous savez, j'oublie, mais je ne pardonne pas.
05:38Guesse qui ?
05:39Missy, s'il te plaît, je fais de l'ass-prep.
05:41Oh, calme-toi.
05:42Ces tests standardisés sont si faciles.
05:44Peut-être pour toi.
05:45Tu es la personne la plus intelligente de notre classe.
05:46Ouais, bon, je veux dire...
05:48Ah, je suppose.
05:49Si tu vas au point d'avantage,
05:51c'est génial, point d'avantage ou n'importe quoi.
05:53Les gars, vous devez venir voir ça.
05:55Jay est là tôt.
05:56Vraiment ?
05:57Et ce n'est pas pour changer les cartes de mémoire
05:58et toutes ses caméras de toilette.
05:59Attends, quoi ?
06:00Bonjour, bâtards.
06:01Jay ?
06:02Tu es dans ton siège.
06:03Ouais.
06:04Et tu te souviens du numéro 2 du crayon ?
06:05Tout d'un coup,
06:06j'ai l'air fou pour suivre les instructions.
06:08Ce Jay n'est pas le vrai Jay.
06:09Ce Jay est un imposteur.
06:10Ou est-ce qu'on vit
06:11une sorte de hallucination partielle ?
06:13Si c'était une hallucination partielle,
06:15le style d'animation serait différent.
06:17Ok, calmez-vous, les gars.
06:19Aujourd'hui, c'est un jour très important
06:21qui affectera le reste de votre vie.
06:24Ma mère me dit que si je fais du bien,
06:25j'aurai les oreilles doublées,
06:27mais à Home Depot,
06:28parce que la fille de Claire
06:30a dit que mes lèvres étaient trop dures
06:32pour leur putain de machine.
06:37C'est officiel.
06:38Je ne connais pas les réponses.
06:39Est-ce que tu es stupide ?
06:40Hum, non.
06:41Oh, merde.
06:42Tu vas devenir un chauffeur.
06:44Et parfois, tu vas devoir
06:45chercher des gens que tu connais.
06:47Ça va être une dynamique étrange.
06:49Oh, non.
06:50Je ne respire pas.
06:51Ok, calmez-vous.
06:52Juste calmez-vous, Andrew.
06:53Quelqu'un a essayé de faire quelqu'un
06:54se calmer la nuit dernière,
06:55mais je suppose qu'ils ne voulaient pas.
06:56Maury, je t'aime, mais pas maintenant.
06:58Je suis au milieu de ce grand test.
07:00Quoi ?
07:01Andrew, pourquoi es-tu même
07:02si inquiété ?
07:03Tu es au dessus de ton classement.
07:04Je ne suis pas au dessus de mon classement.
07:06Tu me fais passer
07:07chaque minute de l'école
07:08à imaginer des filles
07:09que je connais
07:10éclatées de la pluie.
07:11Leur ombre s'est cassée.
07:12Mais tu es très smart, non ?
07:13Je veux dire,
07:18Oh, non.
07:19Oh, non.
07:20Oh, putain !
07:21Putain, c'est D.
07:22Putain, c'est A.
07:23Putain, encore un A.
07:25D, A, D.
07:26Putain, je vais me tuer.
07:27Tu es fou !
07:28Andy Garcia !
07:29Qui savait que l'un de nos acteurs
07:30les plus chers
07:31pouvaient aussi danser ?
07:32Chaque personne
07:33qui a vu Mamma Mia 2
07:34au théâtre, monsieur.
07:35Voici, Mr. Leiser.
07:36Je vais sortir.
07:37Quoi ?
07:38J'ai déjà fini ?
07:39Et tu n'es même pas
07:40à la moitié finie.
07:43Pourquoi ne pas juste t'abandonner ?
07:45Sors d'ici,
07:46petite dépression.
07:47J'ai besoin de me concentrer.
07:48Sur quoi ?
07:49Sur ce que tu ne vivras jamais
07:50à l'échelle de tes expectations
07:51de ta mère.
07:52Laissez-moi retourner à mon travail.
07:55Laisse-moi partir.
07:56Tu ne vas pas à l'école.
07:58Tu vas finir
07:59en vendant des vêtements
08:00sur Facebook.
08:04Oh, putain.
08:05Je ne peux pas faire
08:06deux jours de ça.
08:07Je vais manger des pommes.
08:08J'ai envie
08:09de la douce et salée
08:10relief de la mort.
08:11Non, Allergy Kid,
08:12ne le fais pas.
08:13Ce ne sera pas
08:14un test pour les morts.
08:16Mr. Leiser,
08:17j'ai juste été un peu distraité.
08:19Est-ce que je peux
08:20avoir un peu plus de temps ?
08:21Oh, putain de toi, Jessie.
08:22Excuse-moi ?
08:23Oh, je disais
08:24que ce n'était pas faire
08:25pour les autres enfants.
08:26Oh, j'espère que tu te réveilles
08:27mortel et blindé.
08:28Eh bien, j'ai complètement
08:29cassé ça.
08:30J'ai remplacé
08:31beaucoup de bubbles à la moitié
08:32pour qu'ils m'appellent plus tard.
08:33Wouhou !
08:34Les tests règlent !
08:35Je suis comme Young Sheldon.
08:36Iffy !
08:37Putain !
08:38Hey, Nick,
08:39tu es Rebecca ?
08:40Quoi ?
08:41Je suis Coach Lift Driver
08:42Cautionary Tail
08:44Uh-huh.
08:45Alors,
08:46qu'est-ce que tu fais à l'école aujourd'hui ?
08:47Eh bien, nous avons
08:48ces tests standardisés et...
08:49Oh, les Teepee Snake Snake,
08:50oui, j'ai fait mal à mon nez.
08:51Mais c'est ok,
08:52parce que je vais être
08:53un milliardaire
08:54quand je vais grandir.
08:56Jésus Christ !
08:57Hey, Tree,
08:58tu es Rebecca ?
09:00Ça peut sonner fou, Duke,
09:01mais je ne pense pas
09:02que je dois continuer
09:03à amener cette vieille spaghetti
09:04à l'école dans mon sac.
09:05Tu n'as même pas
09:06un temps libre
09:07pour te faire foutre.
09:08Jay, qu'est-ce qui s'est passé
09:09avec toi aujourd'hui ?
09:10Tu étais, genre, smart.
09:11Tu m'as apporté un médecin.
09:12Mais au lieu de me détester
09:13comme d'habitude,
09:14il m'a apporté de l'Adderall.
09:15Wow.
09:16Ça te fait sentir bizarre ?
09:17Bizarre ?
09:18Ça me fait sentir
09:19comme si j'avais le meilleur corps
09:20de notre classe.
09:21Dans ma tête ?
09:22Prends-en compte, Nick.
09:23J'ai adoré les pilules PEP
09:24quand j'étais vivant.
09:25Il n'y a pas de meilleure façon
09:26de écrire de la musique
09:27à 4 heures du matin
09:28en mangeant
09:29un déjeuner à 12 heures
09:30sur un train.
09:31Peut-être que je peux
09:32en utiliser une de ces pilules.
09:33Pas du tout.
09:34Ce sont mes pilules de génie.
09:36Prends l'argent, garçon.
09:37Puis les pilules viendront à toi.
09:40Tu me donnes de l'argent
09:41pour l'Adderall ?
09:42Et puis quoi ?
09:43C'est mon argent ?
09:44J'ai de l'argent ?
09:45Oui.
09:46Je veux te donner de l'argent
09:47en exchange de ce que tu as.
09:48Wow.
09:49Est-ce que je suis un garçon ?
09:51Ou un vendeur ?
09:55Mesdames et Messieurs,
09:56qui veut être plus intelligent
09:58que un 5ème degré ?
09:59On est en 7ème degré.
10:00C'est de la pensée de perdant
10:01comme ça, Jesse ?
10:02Ça te fait faire une blague.
10:03Excusez-moi,
10:04mais tu ne pourrais pas
10:05faire des monstres
10:06avec un peu de main
10:07si ta vie de merde
10:08dépendait de ça.
10:09J'ai raison.
10:10Son Adderall est incroyable.
10:11Quand je grince,
10:12je peux voir
10:13les vêtements des gens.
10:14Oh non.
10:15Maintenant,
10:16c'est un crime de garder
10:17ce miracle à moi-même.
10:18Donc,
10:19je vends ces pilules
10:20pour le low low
10:21prix de 20 dollars chacun.
10:22On n'a pas besoin
10:23de tes drogues, J.
10:24On est déjà intelligents.
10:25Tu es en fait en train
10:26de vendre Randy Newman
10:27une chanson de pop satirique.
10:28Je suis tenté,
10:29mais l'addiction
10:30est dans mon sang.
10:31Mon oncle Skip
10:32a été attiré
10:33par Randy Newman
10:34et il est devenu deux.
10:35Puis, bam, bam,
10:36il a essayé
10:37de se marier.
10:38Oui, J.,
10:39c'est faux
10:40et on n'est pas intéressés.
10:41J'en veux un.
10:42Donne-moi un.
10:43Ah, hashtag me too.
10:44Ah, business wolf.
10:45Selling pills.
10:46Wolf of Walgreens.
10:47Ah, ah, ah.
10:48Ha, ha.
10:49Yeah, pills.
10:50Ha, ha.
10:51For my bongolio.
10:52Ha, ha, ha.
10:53OK.
10:54FDR a introduit
10:55le nouveau accord en 1933
10:56pour une raison.
10:57OK.
10:58Le nouveau accord,
10:59le nouveau accord,
11:00parce que l'ancien accord
11:01n'avait pas fonctionné.
11:03Oh, this is all gold.
11:06I'm fucking hard right now.
11:07Are you hard right now?
11:08I've never been less hard.
11:09My dick's inside of my stomach.
11:10I'm all balls.
11:11Put that in.
11:13Oh, my God.
11:14Nick's already on the essay.
11:15Maury, I need your help.
11:16Well, well, well.
11:17Look who's interested
11:18in Maury again.
11:19Come on.
11:20I know I screwed up, baby.
11:21I know it.
11:22But listen,
11:23when this test is over,
11:24I am gonna jerk off so much,
11:26I will need one of those
11:27big Gatorade bottles
11:28with a handle
11:29just to rehydrate.
11:30And then,
11:31when I'm done drinking it,
11:32you know what I'm gonna do?
11:33I'm gonna fuck that bottle.
11:34Will you put
11:35a warm sponge inside?
11:36The warmest sponge
11:37money can buy.
11:38That actually sounds
11:39really nice.
11:40So, will you help me?
11:41OK, fine.
11:42Here's what we know.
11:43You're not smart.
11:44That's true.
11:45You have no adderall.
11:46I do not.
11:47You gotta cheat.
11:48Copy the smart girl's answers.
11:49Oh, my God, you're brilliant.
11:50And while you're at it,
11:51you can look down
11:52the front of her shirt.
11:53All right, let's just focus
11:54on one thing at a time.
11:55Maybe later
11:56you go to the bathroom
11:57and do a little self sucky fucky.
11:58Maury, you know I can't reach.
11:59Not yet.
12:00In a few months,
12:01we must try.
12:02Ah, yes.
12:03The monthly try.
12:04By the end of the semester,
12:05you'll be eating your own ass.
12:06They'll call you
12:07Armadillo Boy.
12:08And families will come
12:09from far and wide
12:10to watch you
12:11feast upon yourself.
12:12OK, yeah.
12:13Back to the test.
12:15Keep moving, geyser!
12:16Send in that poor capricious!
12:17Mercurial!
12:18Fickle!
12:19Volatile!
12:20Get out of here,
12:21you shitty kitten!
12:22Vanish!
12:23Evacuate!
12:24Fuck off!
12:25Is this just me
12:26or were there some curveballs
12:27in that test today?
12:28Nope.
12:29It was a cakewalk.
12:30And my toes, baby,
12:31they're covered in frosting.
12:32What?
12:33Hey, Jay,
12:34I want to buy more Adderall.
12:35I'm in a race
12:36with these meth addicts
12:37about who can take
12:38a sink apart faster.
12:39Hold on.
12:40Are you guys all
12:41on study drugs?
12:42That's not fair.
12:43Yeah, it's a major bummer.
12:44But I feel amazing
12:45and I just realized
12:46there's a better way
12:47to fold all my T-shirts.
12:48Sorry, bye.
12:49Not sorry.
12:50Bye.
12:51How are we supposed to compete
12:52when everyone else
12:53has their thumb on the scale?
12:54I know.
12:55If I'm not the smartest person
12:56in our grade,
12:57then who the heck am I?
12:58I don't know.
12:59I don't know.
13:00I don't know.
13:01I don't know.
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14:02I don't know.
14:03I don't know.
14:04I don't know.
14:05I don't know.
14:06I don't know.
14:07I don't know.
14:08I don't know.
14:09I don't know.
14:10I don't know.
14:11I don't know.
14:12I don't know.
14:13I don't know.
14:14I don't know.
14:15I don't know.
14:16I don't know.
14:17I don't know.
14:18I don't know.
14:19I don't know.
14:20I don't know.
14:21I don't know.
14:22I don't know.
14:23I don't know.
14:24I don't know.
14:25I don't know.
14:26I don't know.
14:27I don't know.
14:28I don't know.
14:29I don't know.
14:30I don't know.
14:31I don't know.
14:32I don't know.
14:33I don't know.
14:34I don't know.
14:35I don't know.
14:36I don't know.
14:37I don't know.
14:38I don't know.
14:39I don't know.
14:40I don't know.
14:41I don't know.
14:42I don't know.
14:43I don't know.
14:44I don't know.
14:45I don't know.
14:46I don't know.
14:47I don't know.
14:48I don't know.
14:49I don't know.
14:50I don't know.
14:51I don't know.
14:52I don't know.
14:53I don't know.
14:54I don't know.
14:55I don't know.
14:56I don't know.
14:57I don't know.
14:58I don't know.
14:59I don't know.
15:00I don't know.
15:01I don't know.
15:02I don't know.
15:03I don't know.
15:04I don't know.
15:05I don't know.
15:06I don't know.
15:07I don't know.
15:08I don't know.
15:09I don't know.
15:10I don't know.
15:11I don't know.
15:12I don't know.
15:13I don't know.
15:14I don't know.
15:15I don't know.
15:16I don't know.
15:17I don't know.
15:18I don't know.
15:19I don't know.
15:20I don't know.
15:21I don't know.
15:22I don't know.
15:23I don't know.
15:24I don't know.
15:25I don't know.
15:26I don't know.
15:27I don't know.
15:28I don't know.
15:29I don't know.
15:30I don't know.
15:31I don't know.
15:32I don't know.
15:33I don't know.
15:34I don't know.
15:35I don't know.
15:36I don't know.
15:37I don't know.
15:38I don't know.
15:39I don't know.
15:40I don't know.
15:41I don't know.
15:42I don't know.
15:43I don't know.
15:44I don't know.
15:45I don't know.
15:46I don't know.
15:47I don't know.
15:48I don't know.
15:49I don't know.
15:50I don't know.
15:51I don't know.
15:52I don't know.
15:53I don't know.
15:54I don't know.
15:55I don't know.
15:56I don't know.
15:57I don't know.
15:58I don't know.
15:59I don't know.
16:00I don't know.
16:01I don't know.
16:02I don't know.
16:03I don't know.
16:04I don't know.
16:05I don't know.
16:06I don't know.
16:07I don't know.
16:08I don't know.
16:09I don't know.
16:10I don't know.
16:11I don't know.
16:12I don't know.
16:13I don't know.
16:14I don't know.
16:15I don't know.
16:16I don't know.
16:17I don't know.
16:18I don't know.
16:19I don't know.
16:20I don't know.
16:21I got prescribed Adderall and now I'm selling them, so it's no big dealio.
16:25Oh, fuck.
16:26Like a store.
16:27Exactly.
16:28Boys, the pizza tracker says breakfast is almost ready.
16:32We gotta go.
16:33Hey, store, maybe I'll see you around.
16:35Wait.
16:36How's mom?
16:37I don't fucking know.
16:38Old?
16:39Yeah.
16:40That sounds like mom.
16:41Oh, the magic boy lives.
16:43Hold on.
16:44I have to take this.
16:47You wanna watch this targeted ad for machine washable rugs?
16:51Again?
16:52I don't know.
16:53My neck is starting to hurt.
16:54Jellybean, your mom says you're feeling a little blah this morning, kiddo.
16:57My brain is a tuna melt.
16:58You know what always makes my brain feel a little better?
17:01Moving my body.
17:02Yeah.
17:03While going easy on my back and my knees.
17:04I'm just overwhelmed by the test, dad.
17:06I know it feels like a big deal, but tests aren't everything.
17:08Did you know Barbara Boutrois hated school?
17:10Who's Barbara Boutrois?
17:11Jessie.
17:12She set the world recumbent speed record in 2009.
17:14She made a big impact on the sport.
17:16Okay.
17:17But no impact on her back and knees.
17:18Okay, okay, okay.
17:19Now, bike with me to school.
17:20I promise you'll feel a little better.
17:21Hey, Jessie.
17:22Eric Trump left a comment on a porn star's Instagram.
17:25Really?
17:26Just the word.
17:27Stunning.
17:28Wait.
17:29No.
17:30Dad, I'm coming with you.
17:31Nice.
17:32I brought you a Propel, the only energy drink endorsed by Barbara Boutrois.
17:34Barbara Boutrois?
17:35Yeah, that's who it was.
17:36Okay.
17:37No, I figured.
17:38Last call for genius pills.
17:39Give your brain a boner.
17:40Hey, Jessie, you look stupid.
17:42Want one?
17:43No.
17:44I am not doing that shit ever again.
17:45Hey, Jay, I found hella change in my grandma's big cup.
17:49Pill me, homie.
17:50Hmm.
17:51I can take my last pill and ace the test.
17:53Or I can sell my last pill and have 20 bucks now.
17:57Jay, don't sell your last pill.
17:59You're the only person who actually needs this medication.
18:02Hey, Jessie, I'm not a person.
18:04I'm a store.
18:05What?
18:06Exactly.
18:07Lump, here's your pill.
18:08If I was a store, I'd be a combination Pizza Hut, Taco Bell.
18:11Yeah, on the Jersey Turnpike.
18:13No shit, Lump.
18:14Okay, ladles and jelly spoons.
18:16Let's demonstrate what we've learned over the course of the school year.
18:20Here we go.
18:21It's showtime, baby.
18:22Ah, Nick, there you are.
18:24I'm freaking out.
18:25I can't cheat anymore.
18:26I got Cheater Peter.
18:27Okay, so don't cheat.
18:28You're right.
18:29You're right.
18:30I won't cheat.
18:31I'll just do drugs like everyone else.
18:32Hey, give me that pill.
18:33No, I need it.
18:34Give me that.
18:35If you try to take it, I will cave your head in.
18:36Fuck you, man.
18:37I'll kill you.
18:38Give me that pill.
18:39Come on.
18:41Oh, no.
18:45You idiot.
18:47Oh, fuck.
18:51Missy, are you okay?
18:52I think so.
18:53Maybe.
18:54I don't know.
18:55I'm very aware of my scalp.
18:56Can you feel every one of your hairs individually?
18:57Okay, everyone.
18:58The test starts right now.
18:59Go.
19:01Biking to school made me feel a little better, but I'm still stressed.
19:04Listen to me.
19:05You are Jesse fucking Glazer.
19:06You are smart.
19:07You know who you are.
19:08And you can do this.
19:09You're right.
19:10Thank you.
19:11Oh, what am I going to do?
19:12I didn't get a pill.
19:13I'm going to fail.
19:14Ow.
19:15Listen to me.
19:16You are Nicholas Arsenio Burch.
19:18You don't care about learning, and you sure as hell don't care about tests.
19:21But what about my future?
19:22You are a charming little dude.
19:24You're funny.
19:25People like to be around you.
19:26That's way better than being smart.
19:28You're right.
19:29Thank you.
19:30Now, answer C for everything, and let's get the fuck out of here.
19:33What if I was that bird?
19:36Oh!
19:37Sick nest!
19:38Do birds even sleep?
19:39And, like, what's up with my bird dick?
19:41Your dick is hard and made of chicken.
19:43Come fuck your home, asshole.
19:45Okay!
19:46Fuck yeah.
19:47Oh, take it.
19:48Oh, shit.
19:49I've got the best imagination in my grid!
19:54Harman Greenwald!
19:55You are a dragon ass, and I just cleaned the carpet!
19:58I can't think!
19:59Everything's too loud!
20:00Time to go say a hi, puppy.
20:02If you can't think, you can't talk.
20:04Say a hi, puppy.
20:05If you can't survive a mosh pit full of Andy Garcia's,
20:08you're going to fail this fucking test!
20:11Help!
20:12Help me!
20:13I don't know who you are!
20:14You're not Alec Baldwin, but I don't know who you are!
20:16Andy Garcia.
20:17I'm down here!
20:18I'm coming!
20:19Okay, I get it, but like, are you my city councilman or something?
20:23Council's down.
20:24Oh, dear God.
20:25And hands in the air.
20:26Oh, Jesus!
20:27Riddle me this, joker me that.
20:28Which one of you assholes am I going to kill today?
20:31Not I, officer.
20:32Oh, wow.
20:33I'm Conan O'Brien.
20:34We're huge fans of your comedy down at the station house.
20:36You know what Jay Leno did to you was a travesty over there on NBC back then over there.
20:39It was me!
20:40I'm on illicit drugs, and now my eyeballs are popping out of my head!
20:44Okay.
20:45I, Poppy, Andy Garcia.
20:47Case closed.
20:48And I cheated!
20:49And now my dick is as soft as a Livestrong bracelet.
20:52My backpack is filled with miniature figurines of every student.
20:55I took Ukrainian diet pills that made food look like spiders,
20:59but then I got a taste for spiders,
21:01and now when I walk by a dusty barn, I'm totally binged.
21:04Nice one.
21:05I pick my grandma's nose.
21:06You're very welcome.
21:07All right, all right.
21:08That's enough.
21:09That's enough.
21:10We're not here for any of you.
21:11We're here for the drug dealer.
21:13And we only brought one pair of the pediatric handcuffs.
21:16Just so you know, I don't regret a thing.
21:19Because following rules is gay, and I'm bi.
21:22Well, then say goodbye to your friends.
21:24You see what I did there, Mr. O'Brien?
21:26Jay, wait!
21:27If you meet a guy in jail with iron teeth,
21:29tell him Lola's mom says, what's up?
21:34Are you guys getting more divorced?
21:36Actually, your father was just explaining to me
21:39that maybe I'm putting too much pressure on you.
21:41And your lower back.
21:42So you're okay if I don't get into Yale?
21:44Of course!
21:45There's Brown, Columbia, Cornell, but not Barnard.
21:47Those girls are not happy.
21:49The point is, the children of Trader Joe's employees
21:52get free admission to the Fearless Flyer Academy.
21:55You got the job?
21:56Oh, I don't know.
21:57What does this name tag say?
21:58It says Greg.
21:59Yeah, I already had a Greg.
22:01Mickey's home!
22:03I have an H and a G, and all it's missing is U.
22:06H-U-G.
22:08Hug!
22:10So, how do you think the test went?
22:12Honestly, guys, I think I aced it.
22:14Hold on, you completely bombed that test.
22:16Yeah, but they don't need to know that now.
22:18And like you said, what I got, they don't test for.
22:21That's right, baby.
22:22You got charm, charisma, and them dick-sucking lips.
22:25Now go in that bathroom and do a little self-sucky-fucky.
22:28You mean blow myself? I don't think I can.
22:31Well, it's important to try.
22:32Thanks, Connie.
22:33Not on test, but on sucking that dick.
22:35Yeah, yeah.
22:36Hey, Mickey, where's Jay?
22:38And that's what happened.
22:39My, my, my, that's quite a story.
22:42Hey, what's Conan O'Brien like in person?
22:44You were there for that part.
22:45I was so starstruck, I think I blacked out.
22:47Yeah, yeah, he's Team Coco all the way.
22:49Hey, Bilzerian, your lawyer's here.
22:52Holy shit, you're my lawyer?
22:54You bet your dirty little dick I am.
22:56And look at you, selling drugs, getting arrested.
22:59It's giving me a hard-on thinking about what a piece of shit you've become.
23:03Oh, Dad, you just quoted your own law commercial.
23:06That's right, and guess what else?
23:08You're coming home, Jay.
23:09You bailed me out?
23:10Strangest thing, your bail was already paid.
23:13By who?
23:14He was a short guy, hairy, smelled like bananas, big red balls, and a ripped-up six-pack.
23:21He was a monkey.
23:25Hey, monkey, are you Rebecca?
23:27Are you Steve?
23:29That's my name.
23:32Wait, wait, wait, monkey, I forgot to ask.
23:35What do you do for a living?
23:36You need a phone charger?
23:37You want a tiny water that's been stuck in my trunk for three weeks?
23:40How about some gum?
23:41You want me to eavesdrop on a conversation you're having on the phone?
23:45How about a conversation you're having with the other person in the car?
23:48You want me to seem like I'm not listening and then weigh in?
23:51You want a melted candy?
23:52Do you want to hear my life story?
23:54You want to know how long I've been a Lyft driver for?
23:57You want to watch me text and drive?
23:59You want me to take a weird route?
24:01You want me to make a left across traffic?
24:03How about I pull over here for ten minutes?
24:05How about me watching a TV show on my phone while I drive?
24:09Hey, you want to listen to something?
24:10You want to know what radio I listen to?
24:12You want to know my political views?
24:14You want me to hear about your political views?
24:16You want me to tell you about your political views?
24:18You want to know my political views?
24:19You want me to hear about your political views?
24:21What do you do for a living?
24:23House.
24:25Haha, good at business.
24:27Chirp.
24:48Sous-titres réalisés para la communauté d'Amara.org

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