These cinematic speeches have us in stitches! Welcome to WatchMojo, and today we’re counting down our picks for the funniest, wittiest, and most quotable movie monologues in comedies.
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00:00 "This was your great-grandfather's war watch and he wore it every day he was in that war."
00:04 Welcome to WatchMojo, and today we're counting down our picks for the funniest,
00:09 wittiest and most quotable movie monologues in comedies. Beware of spoilers.
00:14 "As you took so many bright, flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Londok, at Hill 364."
00:21 Number 10. Looping for the Dalai Lama, "Caddy Shack"
00:26 "So I tell them I'm a pro-jack, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama himself."
00:34 Receiving the gift of total consciousness from the Dalai Lama has got to be one hell of a tip.
00:39 In this surreally hilarious monologue, Bill Murray's Carl Spackler talks about a time he
00:43 was a tutor for the spiritual leader himself when in Tibet working as a golf caddy.
00:48 "He hauls off in a wax one, big hitter, from the Lama, long, into a 10,000 foot crevice,
00:55 right at the base of this glacier."
00:56 Of course, the Dalai Lama proves to be a strong hitter, and attempts to rip off poor Carl,
01:01 or reward him depending on your beliefs, with the promise of enlightenment on his deathbed.
01:06 "When you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness."
01:13 Perhaps this will even redeem his hunting gophers. Either way, you'd have to be lacking
01:19 in total consciousness to not find this absurd story utterly hilarious.
01:23 "So I got that going for you. Which is nice."
01:27 Number 9. Reality Check - City Slickers
01:30 "Value this time in your life, kids. Because this is the time in your life when you still
01:36 have your choices. And it goes by so fast."
01:39 There are those who go quietly into that good night, and those that look the devil straight
01:43 in the eye and give it to him straight. Billy Crystal's Mitch Robbins clearly belongs to the
01:48 latter group, as evidenced when he attends his son's elementary class for career day.
01:52 Indeed, Mitch is struggling at this point in his life. So, he wastes little time sharing
01:58 the harsh realities of existence with these bushy-tailed youngsters.
02:01 "70s, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale.
02:04 Start eating dinner at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. You have lunch around 10,
02:09 breakfast the night before."
02:10 This modern equivalent of the seven ages of man paints a hilariously dreary picture of life,
02:16 from the freedom of youth to pot-bellied adulthood. It's funny because it's almost too real.
02:21 When did all of us become Mitch?
02:23 "The 80s, you'll have a major stroke. You end up babbling to some Jamaican
02:27 nurse who your wife can't stand, but who you call mama. Any questions?"
02:31 Number 8. Pity Party - Bridesmaids
02:35 "Nope. I don't think you want any help. I think you want to have a little pity party."
02:38 When life gets you down, sometimes you need a friend to slap some sense into you.
02:42 And to deliver a hysterically dark story about a girl named Megan who was teased in high school.
02:46 Melissa McCarthy's Megan is tough and honest, with a pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps
02:51 attitude. Instead of wallowing, she responds to jerks in her teens by focusing on academics.
02:56 Now she works for the government and knows important explosive secrets.
03:00 "I studied really hard. I read every book in the library and now
03:04 I work for the government. I have the highest possible security clearance. Don't repeat that."
03:08 The moral of the story is don't blame the world for your problems because one day you'll work for
03:12 the government. We're kidding. But we could all use a "when life gives you lemon" speech,
03:16 especially if it's going to be delivered in such a ridiculous and hilarious way.
03:20 "I know where all the nukes are and I know the codes. I won't say anything."
03:26 "You would be amazed. A lot of shopping malls."
03:30 "Don't repeat that."
03:31 Number 7. Michael tells the truth. Tootsie.
03:35 "It makes it all the more difficult for me to say what I'm not going to say.
03:38 Yes, I do feel it's time to set the record straight."
03:43 In this iconic gender-bending comedy, Dustin Hoffman plays desperate actor Michael,
03:47 who disguises himself as a woman to bag a role on a soap opera. As Dorothy Michaels,
03:52 Michael turns the character of Emily Kimberley, a Southern hospital administrator,
03:56 into an empowering one. But of course, no secret can remain hidden forever. In the middle of a
04:02 pivotal episode, he reveals the truth by incorporating it into Emily's story in
04:06 truly dramatic fashion. It's also a hilariously apropos twist for a soap opera.
04:11 "I'm Edward Kimberley, the reckless brother of my sister, Anthea."
04:14 "Ahhhh!"
04:15 "Holy Christ!"
04:16 It's made all the more entertaining by how masterfully Hoffman plays a man playing a
04:21 woman in the lead-up to the monologue. We're still in stitches.
04:24 "That is one nutty hospital."
04:28 Number 6. RSVP. Clueless.
04:31 "So, okay, like right now, for example, the Hadeans need to come to America.
04:37 But some people are all, 'What about the strain on our resources?'"
04:41 Like Jane Austen's Emma, the literary figure she's modeled after,
04:45 Cher Horowitz is a spoiled, if charming, rich girl with a penchant for matchmaking.
04:49 She also comes up with the most unexpectedly amusing analogies. In class, she argues for
04:55 granting refuge to Haitians who need to come to America, which is totally like when guests show
05:00 up to a party without having RSVP'd, right? "But people came that like did not RSVP,
05:05 so I was like totally buggin'." Is she kind of just winging it? Probably.
05:09 Does she pronounce Haitians correctly? Definitely not. But she's so confident in her argument
05:15 that it's hard not to be mesmerized. Thanks to this juxtaposition, we find ourselves not
05:20 just giggling but nodding along as she reminds everyone of what the Statue of Liberty symbolizes.
05:25 "And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty."
05:32 Number 5. Bluto rallies the troops. National Lampoon's Animal House.
05:37 "Over? Did you say over? Nothing is over until we decide it is!"
05:43 It ain't over till Bluto says it's over. When the Delta fraternity brothers fail their midterm exam
05:48 after swiping a fake answer key, they find themselves facing expulsion. Bluto is not having
05:53 it though, delivering a rousing speech to his troops. "Was it over when the Germans bombed
05:58 Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" "Germans? Forget it, he's rolling."
06:03 The only thing is, he's far from a Shakespearean orator, or a historian, comically bumbling through
06:09 his inaccurate speech and even uttering a war cry. His rant is so unsuccessful that when the guys
06:15 actually start listening, Bluto can hardly believe it. Even the orchestra gets in the spirit,
06:20 which makes the whole ordeal all the more priceless. We band of brothers indeed.
06:25 "Let's do it. Let's do it!"
06:30 Number 4. Donnie's eulogy. The Big Lebowski. Eulogies should not be funny, right? Well,
06:36 tell that to Walter. According to him, Donnie was a bowler, a surfer, a friend, a bowler,
06:42 and you guessed it, a bowler. Clearly, Walter didn't know his friend much outside of bowling,
06:47 and there are a lot of laughs to be gleaned from that. "He died as so many young men of
06:51 his generation before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him." But there are other details
06:57 that make this scene stand out too, like the Departed's ashes and the Folgers' coffee tin
07:02 being solemnly dedicated to the Pacific Ocean. "In accordance with what we think your dying
07:08 wishes might well have been, we commit your final, mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean."
07:16 Sadly, but hilariously, Walter's somber attempts at a proper funeral eulogy blow up in his face,
07:23 or rather, the dudes. And as always, Vietnam is somehow relevant.
07:28 "These young men gave their lives. So did Donnie. Donnie who loved bowling."
07:36 Number 3. The Gold Watch - Pulp Fiction
07:39 "This watch was on your daddy's wrist when he was shot down over at Hanoi."
07:44 The life of this particular piece of jewelry could put the one ring to shame.
07:48 In Pulp Fiction, Christopher Walken plays U.S. veteran of the Vietnam War Captain Coons.
07:53 He imparts a gold watch to a young Butch Coolidge, delivering a comic monologue for
07:57 the ages in the process. We learn that this watch belonged to Butch's great-grandfather,
08:02 who passed it down between generations. When Vietnam came, Butch's father hid it in a rather
08:07 untraditional manner, utilizing his own behind. "So he hid it. In one place he knew he could
08:12 hide something, his ass." After five years, he gave it to Coons, who continued the tradition.
08:18 Young Butch immediately taking the watch, paired with Walken's completely serious delivery,
08:23 turns this satire about tradition into comedy gold. "Little man, I gave the watch to you."
08:28 Number 2. The Waco Kid - Blazing Saddles
08:33 "I don't know if you ever heard of me before, but I used to be called the Waco Kid."
08:41 Speaking of absurd monologues involving derrieres, this one is weirdly tragic.
08:47 Before Gene Wilder's Jim was called, well, Jim, he was known as the Waco Kid, renowned for having
08:52 the fastest hands in the West. One day, a kid challenged him, and when he refused,
09:03 shot him in his lower back. Jim made his way to a locale nearby, and found refuge in what else but a
09:08 whole lot of whiskey, and now here we are. It's impossible to keep a straight face listening to
09:13 him go on. Wilder's naturalistic comic skill, and the writing in general, are immaculate,
09:18 making what should be a serious story into something that somehow puts a smile on our faces.
09:23 Before we unveil our top pick, here are some honorable mentions.
09:37 Cerulean - The Devil Wears Prada - Bitingly epic words that leave us blue in the face.
09:42 You're wearing a sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room, from a pile of stuff.
09:48 Last Minute Gift Ideas - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - Breakdowns are always
09:54 funnier with eggnog. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane
09:59 with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here with a big ribbon on his head.
10:04 Playing Sick - Ferris Bueller's Day Off - Ferris sure has a witty way of explaining his lying.
10:09 "The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom.
10:15 I'm a big believer in it."
10:16 The Santa Story - Gremlins - Finding out Santa doesn't exist this way would be the worst.
10:22 "And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus."
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10:42 Number 1 - An Interesting Childhood - Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery
10:49 No one weeps for the wicked, except if it's for Dr. Evil and his
10:57 inconsequential childhood story. Then we all weep. Tears of laughter, that is.
11:02 Austin Powers has always understood vicious cycles. Take the cycle of gluttony.
11:06 "I eat because I'm unhappy.
11:08 I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle."
11:16 But Dr. Evil's tragic backstory takes the hilarity cake. Let's just say his parents
11:22 had a lot going on, between his dad claiming to have invented the question mark and his mom's job.
11:26 "My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade
11:31 narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery."
11:34 Oh, and there's the whole business of the meat helmets and evil's experiences that are too
11:38 graphic for us to get into. Highlighting the fantastical nonsensical nature of the typical
11:42 Bond villain, the satire is only made possible by the earnestness,
11:46 gravitas and eloquence Mike Myers brings to this iconic monologue.
11:50 "Pretty standard, really."
11:52 Which other comic film monologue had you rolling on the ground? Let us know in the comments below.
11:57 "He was a man who loved the outdoors. And bowling."
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12:10 [Music]