Ask a Policeman (1939)
Category
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Short filmTranscript
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00:00:48 We're now back in the studio having shown you the type of
00:00:52 crime which occurs all too frequently in London, keeping a highly organised police force
00:00:56 constantly employed. But now by way of contrast we're taking you over to a little
00:01:00 village on the coast. In the sleepy little hamlet of Turnbottom Round
00:01:04 there are no criminals. For years now not a single conviction has been
00:01:08 recorded, not even a name in the charge book. This unique record
00:01:12 has caused Turnbottom Round to be envied throughout the south of England as the village
00:01:16 without crime. The police station occupies an old watchtower and is
00:01:20 probably the least used building in the neighbourhood. Ladies and gentlemen,
00:01:24 the police station, Turnbottom Round.
00:01:28 Well here we are ladies and gentlemen, in the police station
00:01:32 of the village without crime. We have with us as an audience
00:01:36 the squire and all the local celebrities. The absence
00:01:40 of crime in this happy village is entirely due to the efficient and indefatigable
00:01:44 efforts of the head of the local police force, Sergeant
00:01:48 Dudford.
00:01:52 Sergeant Dudford. Oh is it me?
00:01:56 Good evening everybody. A little further back and not quite
00:02:00 so loud please. Oh I see, a little farther back, yes. Is it true you've had no crime
00:02:04 in this village for ten years? No, no, that's my bit. Oh is it? Oh.
00:02:08 I'm sorry, that's his bit. Yes. Is it true that you've had no crime in this village for ten years?
00:02:12 Oh I see, we're starting again. Yes, that is true. And how long
00:02:16 exactly is it since you last had a crime? Ten years, five weeks, four days.
00:02:20 Very interesting. And how long have you been in charge of this police station? Ten years,
00:02:24 five weeks, four days. I can hardly believe it. Well that's what it says here.
00:02:28 Very commendable Sergeant. A record like yours deserves
00:02:32 a reward. Hey, where is it? I have merely
00:02:36 done my duty. I do not expect any reward. I'm sorry, I don't remember
00:02:40 approving that line. When you say there has been no crime, you mean no big
00:02:44 crime? I mean none, either big or little. What about minor offences, such
00:02:48 as pilfering or poaching? There has been no poaching in this village for
00:02:52 ten years, five weeks, four days. Amazing record Sergeant. Yes, I haven't seen
00:02:56 a poacher for the last... Since you've been here, definitely an achievement Sergeant.
00:03:00 I don't suppose there's another country area in England without at least one local poacher.
00:03:04 And for an agricultural district like Turnbotham Round, never to have
00:03:08 known a case of poaching in ten years, well all I can say is, it says a great
00:03:12 deal for the control you exercise over the villagers. Now look, you've done it, you've made us miss the broadcast.
00:03:16 He will not be naughty. Yes, he'd be more naughty if he missed his dinner tomorrow.
00:03:20 Get up you fool. Did you know they're making a broadcast in there?
00:03:24 Did you do it on purpose? Get some light in here.
00:03:28 If we hurry, we'll just make it.
00:03:32 Still talking? I thought you said you'd remember the broadcast. No I didn't,
00:03:36 I said I'd remember to remind you about the broadcast. Well why didn't you? Because I forgot.
00:03:40 You always forget. Come on, all right, wait for me.
00:03:44 I've set an example to the police all over the world. Our Sergeant Dudford
00:03:48 staff have just returned from their lonely beats. Two splendid
00:03:52 fellows. One is a fine, youthful figure of a policeman and the other is just...
00:03:56 Oh, they don't want to hear about him. Sorry we're late, Sarge. Good evening, Constable Brown.
00:04:00 So you too have helped to keep this village free from crime. Not all of you! Not so loud and stand
00:04:04 farther back. This village must be very proud of you. Well my girl Emily says I'm a...
00:04:08 My girl Emily, that's a nice thing to say in a broadcast. Well they can't make anything
00:04:12 rude out of that, can they? Now how long have you been with the force?
00:04:16 Twelve months next muck spreading. What do you mean muck spreading? It says April.
00:04:20 Well there is muck spreading. Why doesn't he stick to the script? I mean, what is it?
00:04:24 Is this a gardening talk? And you've never been called upon to arrest even a drunk.
00:04:28 Oh no, no drunks here.
00:04:32 You must tell the choir boys that the street's
00:04:36 not the proper place to practice. Yes, Sarge. And how about you, Constable
00:04:40 Abrams? Ah, butler, please to meet you. Ah, butler, ah yes.
00:04:44 You control the traffic and you've never even known a case of speeding. Oh, fear.
00:04:48 I'd have soon had the bracelets on him if I had.
00:04:52 Oh, that must be the doctor on an urgent case. Urgent? Yeah, probably going to Mrs. Occyn.
00:04:56 She always needs it till the last minute.
00:05:00 Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologize for this old fool. If ever he opens his mouth he always sticks
00:05:04 his foot in it. He comes butting in, he's got no right here at all. And what's more... You're wasting
00:05:08 your time, sir. You've been faded out. Well, what about these other three pages?
00:05:12 It's all your fault, young man. Oh, I'm sorry this happened, Sergeant. You were doing splendidly.
00:05:16 Oh, well, you know how it is. The BBC always fade out the best items. Good night, Sergeant.
00:05:20 Good night. The least I can do is to thank you for your trouble.
00:05:24 Being a police officer, of course you can't accept a fee. Oh, does that come under this? Oh, what a pity.
00:05:28 But, uh, if there's any local charity for which you'd like a contribution... Well, we have the, uh,
00:05:32 shouting fund, sir. I think it's going to be rather difficult to get that in. Oh, no, no, no.
00:05:36 There we are. Good night, Sergeant. Good night.
00:05:40 Come and say good night to the gentlemen. Come on, come on. Good night. Good night.
00:05:44 Good night.
00:05:48 Occyn! Occyn!
00:05:52 (knocking)
00:05:56 We aren't open yet.
00:06:00 Got plenty for you this morning, Sarge. Have you? Yeah.
00:06:04 Well, then wait for their money. Show them in next door.
00:06:08 (doorbell rings)
00:06:12 (coughs) Hello, Ernie. How's the business?
00:06:16 Very nice, thanks. The Sergeant says I have to bring his post here.
00:06:20 What, all that lunch? What's he been up to?
00:06:24 Come in out tonight, Emily. Oh, I can't, Ernie. I've got a date.
00:06:32 Not with Harry Pingle, the fish boy. Why, what have you got on Harry? Oh, nothing.
00:06:36 I never thought a girl like you would aim a bit higher than a common eel skinner. Well, at least he does take me to the pictures.
00:06:40 Pictures? What's the matter with you? You go there and pass out at Robert Taylor and Clark Gable.
00:06:44 Takes you a couple of weeks to get used to me again.
00:06:48 Oh, you're just jealous because Harry's got a motorbike and you haven't.
00:06:52 Huh, motorbike? I wouldn't take one of my girls out on a motorbike, bumping up and down on the pillion, getting disfigured for life.
00:06:56 Don't you believe it, big boy?
00:07:00 The back of a motorbike's OK by little Emily. I suppose you wouldn't come out in my car.
00:07:04 Your car? Well, you haven't got a car. It belongs to the police.
00:07:08 Anyway, you're afraid to take me out in it. Says who? Says me.
00:07:12 Well, you'll be at the crossways at half-past five tonight and we'll see.
00:07:16 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:07:20 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:07:24 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:07:28 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:07:32 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:07:36 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:07:40 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:07:44 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:07:48 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:07:52 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:07:56 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:00 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:04 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:08 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:12 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:16 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:20 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:24 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
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00:08:32 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:36 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:40 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:44 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:48 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:52 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:08:56 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:00 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:04 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:08 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:12 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:16 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:20 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:24 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:28 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:32 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:36 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:40 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:44 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:48 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:52 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:09:56 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:00 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:04 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:08 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:12 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:16 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:20 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:24 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:28 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:32 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:36 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:40 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:44 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:10:48 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
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00:10:56 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
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00:12:00 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
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00:16:24 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:16:28 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:16:32 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:16:36 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:16:40 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:16:44 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:16:48 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:16:52 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:16:56 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:00 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:04 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:08 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:12 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:16 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:20 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:24 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:28 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:32 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:36 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:40 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:44 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:48 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:52 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:17:56 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:00 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:04 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:08 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:12 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:16 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:20 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:24 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:28 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:32 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:36 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:40 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:44 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:48 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:52 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:18:56 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:19:00 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:19:04 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:19:08 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:19:12 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:19:16 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:19:20 I'll be at the crossways at half-past five.
00:19:24 You come with me.
00:19:26 Yes.
00:19:28 Thank you very much.
00:19:30 If there's anything in this outrageous story, how on earth to explain this bump?
00:19:36 Might I suggest, sir, that you hit your head on the windscreen?
00:19:39 Good heavens, I can't hit the windscreen with the back of my head.
00:19:42 Maybe you was in reverse.
00:19:44 Albert Brown, you can't do this to me. I've been waiting at the crossways.
00:19:50 Shut up, this is a chief constable.
00:19:52 Oh, I didn't know you had a friend.
00:19:54 If you'd told me, I'd have brought Aggie.
00:19:56 - Who is this woman? - This is Emily, sir.
00:19:58 - What's she doing here? - She's my bird, sir.
00:20:00 - You what? - She's his bit.
00:20:02 She's the parlour maid at the manor. Come along, we're busy.
00:20:05 - Yes, but what about... - Just a minute, ma'am.
00:20:08 - What is all this about? - Constable Brown wants to know if he can go to the pictures.
00:20:16 Certainly Constable Brown can go to the pictures.
00:20:19 Thanks, chief. You wouldn't like to go too?
00:20:22 - I went last Wednesday. - And you?
00:20:24 - I prefer the book by the fire. - Oh, you do?
00:20:26 - Good night, all. - Good night.
00:20:28 - Goodbye, what's your name? - Abyssinia.
00:20:30 Good night.
00:20:32 Bright little girl, isn't she? What about a little drink?
00:20:35 I'm sorry, they're not open yet.
00:20:37 I'll take the jug round the side door. Mrs Davison let me have it.
00:20:40 - What? - She always does.
00:20:42 Would you prefer old and mild or bitter? Take the large jug.
00:20:45 Stay where you are.
00:20:47 I expected to find it dead of incompetence, but I never thought it would be as bad as this.
00:20:51 A constable going to the pictures with a girl, getting drinks out of hours.
00:20:54 Is that the way to run a police station? You call this a police force?
00:20:58 - How old are you? - 42.
00:21:00 - You look more like 82 to me. - That's the life he's led.
00:21:03 - No, it's through seeing it. - Seeing what?
00:21:05 - The ghost. - What ghost?
00:21:07 The ghost of the headless horseman driving her. Horrible it was.
00:21:10 I lost my ear and my teeth fell out, all in a night.
00:21:13 Don't take any notice of him. He has hallucinations too.
00:21:16 - But it's true. - Ah, true.
00:21:18 Yes, and I'll tell you once more...
00:21:20 I wanted confirmation. This place is run by a pack of idiots. I've got it.
00:21:24 The most inefficient and disorganised rabble to call itself a police force.
00:21:28 Apparently you consider blundering incompetence,
00:21:30 scaring illegality and outrageous discourtesy
00:21:32 to be the normal manifestations of a policeman's duty.
00:21:35 You'll hear more of this...
00:21:42 Goodbye, dear customers. Thank you for calling.
00:21:45 Don't worry, we'll look after everything.
00:21:48 Go on, move along. There's something to see.
00:21:51 Now you've offended him.
00:21:58 What do you want to tell him a silly, idiotic, daft story like that for?
00:22:02 - Headless horseman. - There is an headless horseman.
00:22:05 - You ask him in the village. - Have you seen it?
00:22:08 What do you want to tell him about your teeth?
00:22:10 I had to tell him something, or he'd have gone looking up my birth certificate.
00:22:14 What, the doomsday book? We'd better start packing.
00:22:17 - Packing? - We might as well be ready for the boot.
00:22:20 - Are we leaving the dear old home? - Yes, we're going to be kicked out into the gutter.
00:22:25 - That looks good, does it? - You can't go out like that.
00:22:37 If only we could get the Daily Express behind us, they wouldn't dare sack us.
00:22:41 - Couldn't you arrest someone for speeding? - I'm liable to be arrested for murder.
00:22:45 What do you think we've been doing? We've got to arrest some famous criminal.
00:22:49 - What criminals are they? - Guy Fawkes.
00:22:52 He's dead. He wasn't a criminal. He invented fireworks.
00:22:56 There must have been some crime here. He's got the old charge books down the cellar.
00:23:01 - Let's go and have a look at those. - All right.
00:23:04 - Here. - Pull up.
00:23:07 - Can you see? - Yeah.
00:23:10 - A bit of a muddle down here. - I can tidy it up tomorrow.
00:23:17 What's the good of pulling off till tomorrow? What can't we see?
00:23:21 - Where are your books? - Here they are.
00:23:24 All right. Let's try this one, shall we?
00:23:27 Here.
00:23:29 - Oh! - I say, fool!
00:23:33 - Er... 1753. - That's going back a bit, isn't it?
00:23:38 - It is. - Here's a crime. Highway robbery.
00:23:41 - That's no good. That's legal now. - Is it?
00:23:44 Yes. Daniel Gould was convicted of sheep stealing.
00:23:48 - What did he get? - Sentenced to be hurdled, hanged, drawn and quartered.
00:23:52 - Blimey. - Oh, really?
00:23:55 George Connachie did slay, kill and willfully murder his wife by throwing her off a cliff.
00:24:00 - What did they do to him? - He was fined four and sixpence.
00:24:04 - That don't seem right. - I'm sorry, my mistake. Fourteen and sixpence.
00:24:09 There, swear it.
00:24:11 Larceny, piracy, treason, resisting the press gang, whistling in church.
00:24:18 These are no good to us. Have you got some other books?
00:24:21 - Something on up-to-date crime? - I've got some sextant blokes in the shop library.
00:24:26 - You have? - Yes. - Why don't you say so?
00:24:29 Let's go and have a look at them. They might give us an idea, if nothing else.
00:24:34 - Here, you've got a customer. - Oh, good evening.
00:24:38 - Good evening, Sergeant. - Anything wrong?
00:24:41 Well, yes, sir, in a way. You see, it's like this.
00:24:45 My brother Alfred, he's a lighthouse keeper.
00:24:48 This morning he had to go off on his month's duty in the lighthouse.
00:24:52 - Yes, I see. - And he didn't want to go.
00:24:56 Why didn't he want to go?
00:24:59 Go on, I'll buy it. Why didn't he want to go?
00:25:02 Because of our poor old grandmother.
00:25:05 She's been ailing for years now, poor soul.
00:25:09 And now she's open at death's door.
00:25:13 But as I says to Alf, duty's duty, and the lighthouse must be lit.
00:25:18 - Oh, yes, of course. - Then suddenly I gets an idea.
00:25:22 - How about a signal, I says to Alf? - Yes. What did Alf say?
00:25:27 Alf says if you could do that, I'd be easy in my mind.
00:25:31 - All right, I says. - You says.
00:25:34 I says, I'll hang up a light where you can see it from the lighthouse.
00:25:38 And while that there light's still burning, you'll know our gun is still with us.
00:25:42 Yes, that's a good idea.
00:25:45 Maybe you wouldn't mind if I put it up on top of the tower here so Alf can see it.
00:25:50 - This being the highest point hereabouts. - Oh, by all means.
00:25:54 If anything happened to the old lady, I'd never forgive myself.
00:25:57 - Up the stairs till you come to the top. - Thank you, Sergeant.
00:26:01 - What's the matter with you? - I'm thinking about his poor old grandmother.
00:26:14 - She's still alone in the lighthouse. - Why don't you listen, you old fool?
00:26:18 His grandmother's not in the lighthouse. She's hovering round death's door.
00:26:22 He's putting that light up there so his brother will know his grandma's light's not been put out.
00:26:27 I don't know how I can thank you for this, Sergeant.
00:26:32 Oh, that's all right. Anything in the cause of charity.
00:26:35 Charity! Here's the box.
00:26:38 Oh, there's no need for you to give anything. Half a clump.
00:26:42 - We'd have done it for nothing. - That's all right.
00:26:45 - Good night, Sergeant. - Good night.
00:26:48 I was thinking about his poor old granny.
00:26:53 - You owe me one of those. - Do I? I imagine you've got it.
00:26:56 We'll go and look at your section, please.
00:26:59 - Come on. Where's the crime section? - Here you are.
00:27:05 Dauntless Desmond or the mystery of the blood-stained sheet?
00:27:08 That's a hot one. You want to replace 34 wears alone with her in the office.
00:27:12 - In the what? - In the office.
00:27:14 - You mean office? - No, I don't. I mean office.
00:27:17 In the oasis. That means you had a date with her.
00:27:20 Dauntless Desmond. Should be dirty dick.
00:27:23 While you've been playing footy-footy, we've reached a crisis.
00:27:26 - You'd reached that before I went out. - If we don't find some crime before tomorrow, we're out.
00:27:31 You've got a whole shelf full of crime there.
00:27:34 Bill the body-snatcher, Sam the smuggler cop... Smuggler?
00:27:37 - There's your crime. - Smuggling?
00:27:39 - We'll catch some smugglers. - Where do we find them?
00:27:42 We don't find them. We stage a smuggle.
00:27:45 We put a keg of brandy on the beach, then we find it with witnesses.
00:27:48 - What good does that do us? - They'll have to keep us here until we find the smugglers.
00:27:52 How can we find smugglers if there aren't any? We haven't got any brandy either.
00:27:56 - I've got some brandy. - What are you doing with brandy?
00:28:00 - I keep it in case I get too thankful. - Too thankful? You'll only get gummy.
00:28:04 - Don't waste time. Don't get the brandy. - Wait a minute. Who's in charge here?
00:28:08 - You were, but you got the bullet. - I've got nothing of the kind.
00:28:11 The bullet may be on the way, but until it lands, you'll take orders from me.
00:28:15 - I'm not doing anything with it. - Please yourself. We want to keep our jobs.
00:28:19 - You're going to defy me and go through with it? - Certainly.
00:28:22 - What about me? - You can help if you like.
00:28:25 - Thank you very much. And what do I do? - Put the keg of brandy on the beach, then go for a witness.
00:28:30 - Who puts the keg of brandy on the beach? - You and Harbottle.
00:28:33 - I suppose you go and get the witness. - It's all right, isn't it?
00:28:36 No, it isn't all right. You put the brandy on the beach and I'll go and get the witness.
00:28:40 - There's a storm coming up. I can tell you. - You're telling me.
00:28:49 Go on.
00:28:51 Put it down there.
00:28:55 (Sighs)
00:28:57 - What's your name and address? - Satchmo Row, Six Fishermen's Cottages.
00:29:03 All right. You'll be hearing from us officially.
00:29:06 - Thank you very much. Good night. - Good night.
00:29:09 - There's a... - I know. There's a storm coming up.
00:29:22 Hello? Hello? Give me a door, Mr 666. I want the chief constable. This is very urgent.
00:29:28 - Hello? - Hello? Come on.
00:29:31 I know I'm in a hurry. This is very important.
00:29:34 I don't get the chief constable in bed. You get him out of bed. I want to talk to him at once.
00:29:38 - What are you two trying to do? Spoil everything? - One what?
00:29:41 - One keg of brandy. - What are you talking about?
00:29:44 - Chief constable? - Yeah.
00:29:46 - What are you ringing the chief constable up for? - Tell him about the keg of brandy.
00:29:50 - We haven't taken it down yet. - What?
00:29:52 - We haven't taken it down yet. - We couldn't lift it, so we've been emptying it.
00:29:56 What are you babbling about? I've just brought the keg of brandy to the beach.
00:30:00 - You couldn't have done. - Well, there it is.
00:30:03 - Blimey, another one. - That's an itch.
00:30:06 - What, you mean to tell me that... - Hello? Hello?
00:30:09 - It's the chief constable. - You rang him up. You think of something.
00:30:13 Oh, um, is that... is that Turnbotherby's LRP department?
00:30:17 What? Oh, I didn't know. Wrong number. I said that.
00:30:20 - Oh. - Ah.
00:30:22 - Big rum. Good stuff, too. - You leave that alone. It doesn't belong to you.
00:30:26 - Who does it belong to? - That's what we're going to find out.
00:30:29 - You sure you didn't put that on the beach? - Yeah.
00:30:32 We've only got one keg, and there it is.
00:30:35 - Where'd the other one come from? - It's been washed up by the sea.
00:30:38 What does it matter what it was washed up by? Does it do justice?
00:30:41 - Does it affect our story? - If it doesn't belong to anybody, let's drink it.
00:30:44 - What will that get us? - A good booze-up.
00:30:47 A good booze-up. All our plans mucked up.
00:30:50 We cast our breath upon the waters, and back comes a keg of rum we don't want.
00:30:53 Get three glasses.
00:30:56 Oh! It's gold!
00:30:59 (Screams)
00:31:01 - What was that? - Perhaps it was the wind.
00:31:04 (Screams)
00:31:06 - That wasn't the wind, anyway. - No. There's someone at the door.
00:31:10 (Screams)
00:31:13 - Go on, let her in. - You do it. You're in charge.
00:31:16 - How about it? Open that door. - Not me. Early closing. Shopping.
00:31:19 You can't be shopping in an emergency like this.
00:31:22 She's stopped. Perhaps she's gone home.
00:31:25 She wouldn't stop a lull like that and go home.
00:31:28 - Maybe she's come to the wrong house. - Open the door and have a look.
00:31:31 Hey, why are we...?
00:31:41 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, dear!
00:31:44 Help! Help! Help! Police! Police!
00:31:47 Shut up, you old idiot! We are the police.
00:31:50 Blimey! It's Emily.
00:31:53 I better feel her heart. Here, Narky, she's my birth.
00:31:56 - Jerry, fetch me some water. - She's not in pain, did she?
00:31:59 She's coming round.
00:32:02 Oh, Albert! Albert! I feel it! I feel it!
00:32:05 Hey, what have you been showing this poor girl?
00:32:08 What's she talking about? She was all right when she left me.
00:32:11 - Here she comes again. - Oh, it was horrible.
00:32:14 It's all right. Come on. Get a chair.
00:32:17 In good hands now. Come on. Sit down.
00:32:20 Would you care to make a statement? Just exactly what happened?
00:32:24 Well, I... I've been to the pictures with Albert in the police car.
00:32:28 I see. Been to pictures with Constable Brown in bus.
00:32:32 Then I went home. And all of a sudden I remembered a letter I had to post.
00:32:36 So I got up to go to the pillbox.
00:32:39 - And just as I got to the five crossways... - Were you assaulted?
00:32:42 - No. - What a pity. We could have taken the steps.
00:32:45 Well, I just got to the five crossways when all of a sudden,
00:32:49 galloping towards me, there was a nurse with no head.
00:32:52 - A what? - The driver had no head.
00:32:55 There was a nurse with an headless horseman.
00:32:58 - Come here. Has she been going out with you two? - No.
00:33:01 - How did she get the same story as you? - I don't know.
00:33:04 - It's true. I saw it. - Poor kid. Feeling better?
00:33:07 - Yes, I'm OK now. - I'd better get the police car out.
00:33:10 - Leave us here by ourselves. - We'll all take her home.
00:33:13 - Frightened? - Certainly not. I'm sick of the young lady's reputation.
00:33:17 Come on, my dear.
00:33:32 - Hello, me. - Okey-doke, Sergeant. Thanks for the buggy ride.
00:33:36 - Good night. - Good night.
00:33:38 - Good night, Toots. - Good night, honey.
00:33:40 - Good night. - Good night.
00:33:42 Come on, Toots. Turn around and step on it.
00:33:45 Wait a minute. The water rally's not in.
00:33:48 - Get over here. - Good night, honey. Good night.
00:33:58 - Oh! - It must be about 1 o'clock.
00:34:01 I haven't been out so late since my father got married.
00:34:04 - Eh? - Yes, his fourth wife.
00:34:06 - Oh, I see. - Here. Hope we don't meet that phantom nurse.
00:34:10 That's a lot of poppycock. Whoever heard of a headless driver?
00:34:13 - Wouldn't be able to pass his tests. - Still, Emily must have seen something that scared her.
00:34:17 Maybe she saw her bottle through the window.
00:34:20 You can't believe all an hysterical girl thinks.
00:34:23 What's the matter? What did you pull off for?
00:34:28 - It's the phantom nurse. - Phantom nurse?
00:34:31 It's a horse and cow with its tail out on fire.
00:34:34 It's the phantom nurse, I tell you. Those are the phantom flames.
00:34:37 - Look at the driver's head! - What's the matter with his head?
00:34:40 - You ain't got one. - Don't talk to me. I feel like a goody-two-toot.
00:34:43 - What are you worried about? It's not coming this way. - It's just what it is doing.
00:34:47 Hey, hey, put your eye cap on. Give me on the glass bird. Let it go by.
00:34:53 Look at me, it's the bloody glass bird.
00:34:55 - Oh, it's gonna get us, Mike. - I'm not even hurt. It's gotta be gloomy.
00:34:59 Put it in reverse.
00:35:01 Open the window gate. Swim in quick. Come on.
00:35:16 - Oh, just made it. - You should have kept your eyes on the road instead of talking so much.
00:35:23 Well, anyway, we needn't go any further. We give the flaming house to slip.
00:35:28 - Listen, listen. - What's the matter?
00:35:40 - Oops. - Oops?
00:35:42 Blimey! It's Mulligan's idea!
00:35:46 (Train whistle)
00:35:48 - See where it went? - No! Where did it go?
00:35:57 It went in the garage. If you kept your eyes open, you'd see where it went.
00:36:01 - It's just gone through the doors. - No, the doors opened and let it in.
00:36:05 - Well, no, I opened them. - How do I know?
00:36:07 - Perhaps they're ghost doors. - Ghost doors? I'll show you where they're not.
00:36:11 Come on, officer.
00:36:14 (Honk)
00:36:16 Come on, open up in the name of the law.
00:36:25 Come on, it'll be all the worse if you don't.
00:36:29 What are you standing there for? Don't be afraid.
00:36:32 Look, I'll tell you what we'll do. You put on the one door and I'll put on the...
00:36:36 - Oh! Oh! Oh! - Oh!
00:36:39 (Grunting)
00:36:42 - Oh! - Funny, where's it gone to?
00:36:45 It's gone right through and out the other side.
00:36:48 Gone through the other side? Don't be ridiculous.
00:36:51 - Why, this is a solid wall. - Do you know where we are?
00:36:54 - No. - This is the Squire's garage.
00:36:56 - Is it? - Let's knock him up and tell him.
00:36:58 - Tell him what? - We're in his garage.
00:37:00 It's a bright idea, isn't it? Let's examine these walls properly.
00:37:04 (Grunting)
00:37:08 (Grunting)
00:37:10 (Grunting)
00:37:12 - I want to tell you something. - What's the matter?
00:37:15 - I want to tell you something. - Yes?
00:37:17 There's only three of us and there's four shadows on the wall.
00:37:20 - Oh, yes. - Yes.
00:37:22 One, two, three, four.
00:37:24 Oh! You're right, Jimmy. You're right. There's one over.
00:37:27 - I'll tell you something else. - What?
00:37:29 The old man hasn't got no head.
00:37:31 - Oh! - Oh!
00:37:36 - Oh! Oh! - Oh!
00:37:38 (Grunting)
00:37:40 (Screaming)
00:38:02 - You believe me, I received the A.D.S. - Don't be silly. It's nonsense.
00:38:06 I expect a scientific explanation.
00:38:08 - Answer that phone. - Not me. It might be the A.D.S.
00:38:11 He hasn't got a head. How can he talk into a phone? Albert, you answer it.
00:38:15 Hello?
00:38:18 - It's the Chief Constable. - Good heavens.
00:38:21 Good evening, sir. I've been trying to get you for half an hour.
00:38:31 - What do you mean? - We've been out on a job.
00:38:34 - What sort of a job? - Tell him about the Edlis horseman.
00:38:38 - You think I should? - Of course. We've all seen it.
00:38:41 Remember that story that Constable Harbottle told you about the ghost that made his teeth drop out?
00:38:46 Yes.
00:38:50 Yes.
00:38:52 Yes.
00:38:54 All your fault, that is.
00:38:56 Yes, I'm listening, Chief.
00:38:58 Then stop giving me this preposterous bilge about ghosts.
00:39:01 Do you realise there's smuggling going on in your district?
00:39:04 Smuggling? Oh, yes, we know all about that. Our witness must have been talking.
00:39:08 - We've got all the evidence. A whole keg full. - Keg full?
00:39:11 We've just been informed that boatloads have been smuggled in.
00:39:14 Boatloads? There must be real smugglers then. I mean, others.
00:39:17 Now, listen. One of His Majesty's revenue cutters in Mid Channel
00:39:21 has observed a light in the neighbourhood of Turn Bottom Round.
00:39:24 They believe this light's being used as a steering light for smugglers.
00:39:28 Oh. Oh, dear. Albert, take this down.
00:39:31 From the east side of Drake's Seat to a point due north,
00:39:36 from Shoe Hill off Turn Bottom Round,
00:39:39 by north-east, west by north. Aye, aye, sir.
00:39:42 - Have you got all that? - Yes, sir.
00:39:44 Listen, Albert, you get the ordnance man. This is our big chance.
00:39:47 If only we can stop that light, then he can't sack us.
00:39:50 - You get the compass. - Here.
00:39:52 No telling where this will lead to. Might get us a promotion.
00:39:55 - Here's the compass. Ten minutes past. - That's all right.
00:39:58 What do you mean, "ten minutes past"? How do we find where we are?
00:40:01 It's easy. You point north to the north-west, then the north-east gives you south.
00:40:05 - That's all right. - Give me those bearings. I'll find it.
00:40:08 - All right. Go on, then. - There's the channel.
00:40:11 - There's the north lock, isn't it? - Yeah, there's the lock.
00:40:14 - If we bring a line from there... - Evening, all.
00:40:17 - Can I take my lamp down now, Sergeant? - Down? Why, is Jo's grandmother...
00:40:22 - Here. - Oh.
00:40:24 She's much better now.
00:40:27 I'm glad about that. You can find your own way up. We're very busy.
00:40:31 All right. I'll get them, Sergeant.
00:40:33 - Who's that? - Coast Guard.
00:40:36 - Never seen him round here before. - What's he want?
00:40:39 When you were out courting, he came out here and told us...
00:40:42 You mind your own business. Get on with your bearings.
00:40:45 - You found that light? - Give us a chance.
00:40:48 Oh, here we are.
00:40:50 North by Point East, that brings us here.
00:40:53 North-east by Shoe Rock, that brings us here.
00:40:56 What does it say where the lines intersect?
00:40:59 - It says the police station. - Police station?
00:41:02 Ha! That's ridiculous, isn't it? There's no lamp hanging...
00:41:07 - Didn't that bloke say something about fetching a lamp? - That's right.
00:41:14 Yes. But still, that's something to do with it.
00:41:17 That's for the fella on the lighthouse. His grandmother's ill.
00:41:21 He knows his grandmother hasn't started to burn.
00:41:24 - It's a signal for his grandmother. - Sounds fishy to me.
00:41:27 - Don't you start. - Whose grandmother is she?
00:41:30 - His brother Joe's. - Who's Joe?
00:41:32 - The fella on the lighthouse. - I want to tell you something.
00:41:35 It's easy to check up. We'll find out whether his brother Joe keeps a lighthouse.
00:41:40 I won't tell you what I was going to tell you.
00:41:43 - It's not fishy. What is it? - I've lived here 60 years and never seen a lighthouse.
00:41:47 - Neither have I. - You haven't?
00:41:49 Why didn't you tell me that when we let him put the light up?
00:41:52 - I was sorry for his poor old granny. - If he hasn't got a lighthouse, how can he have a granny?
00:41:57 I've got a granny, but I've never had a lighthouse.
00:42:00 - Oh! What shall we do? - It's all right. Leave it to me. I'll deal with him.
00:42:06 - Good night, all. - Good night.
00:42:13 - I thought you were going to deal with him. - What do you expect me to do? Arrest him?
00:42:18 - Of course. - Let everyone know the light was on top of our police station.
00:42:22 - What are we going to do? - Now we know how it works, we can plant the light on someone else.
00:42:27 Bring that line down here, you see, so that it puts the light on top of the pub.
00:42:32 (Glass shatters)
00:42:34 Oh!
00:42:36 It's a pebble. I wonder what they're wrapping up for.
00:42:39 Give me that. Maybe a message on it.
00:42:42 I like that. "Fred Jackson Draper turned bottom round."
00:42:46 That means Jackson advertising again. That window's going to cost him one of sixpence.
00:42:51 - Wait a minute. There's something on the other side. - What?
00:42:54 "Keep your nose out of things that don't concern you. Dead men tell no tales. You have been warned."
00:43:01 What's that? "Keep your nose out of things that don't concern you. Dead men tell..."
00:43:05 - What does that mean? - It couldn't be much plainer, could it?
00:43:09 That's not just they can't take notes with it, we're the police. What could they do?
00:43:13 Supposing that pebble had been a bomb?
00:43:16 Don't talk nonsense. This is England. They don't throw bombs here.
00:43:20 - Shh! - What is it?
00:43:22 - Can you hear a ticking sound? - No.
00:43:25 Again.
00:43:27 It's the clock. What's the matter with you?
00:43:29 - It can't be the clock. It's got no works. - What is it?
00:43:33 The bombs.
00:43:35 - I can only hear it faintly now. - Sounds really near to me.
00:43:41 I think it's in here.
00:43:43 I can hear it now. It's somewhere about here.
00:43:46 - It's on you. - Right.
00:43:51 - Help! - What are you all hiding for?
00:43:57 - You can't do nothing. Leave the fire. - What for?
00:44:00 - I don't know. - I want to do it. I'll let it in the area.
00:44:04 Here you go.
00:44:06 There you are. That was a gallant deed. You saw me do it.
00:44:18 Hey, watch it. Where did you get these?
00:44:29 - I got that parcel in the garage. - Swiss watches.
00:44:32 There'll be a duty on these. Supposedly they were smuggled.
00:44:36 - The hearse isn't a ghost. - I'll tell you something else.
00:44:39 Don't you start. I'll find out where the hearse is.
00:44:42 There's too much disappearing. First the keg, then the hearse.
00:44:45 - We'd all be happy. - I wonder...
00:44:47 - Shut up! - I didn't want to hear about the lighthouse.
00:44:50 I'll keep my secret to myself.
00:44:53 - I don't suppose we've missed anything. - It's about the hearse.
00:44:56 - The legend says it's smuggling. - Eh? What's that?
00:45:00 - Tells you how it was done and where they came from. - What is the legend?
00:45:04 - Won't tell you. - Oh, come on. Copy it up.
00:45:07 - It's in rhyme. - All right.
00:45:10 "When the tide runs low in the devil's cove, and the headless horseman is seen above,
00:45:15 "he drives along with his wild aloe, lickety-spit, lickety-spit."
00:45:19 - Lickety-spit, lickety-spit? - I put that bit in because I forgot the last line.
00:45:23 - Try and remember it. It contains the clue. - It's no good. That's why I put the spit in.
00:45:28 - Here. "As he drives along with the wild aloe, and into the garage the whole lot go."
00:45:33 - Into the garage. You might as well say,
00:45:36 "They got in the garage cos they couldn't stop, flibberdy-flop, flibberdy-flop."
00:45:40 - No, that's not it. - Does anybody know this last line?
00:45:43 - Yes, there's one man. - Who? - My father.
00:45:46 - Your father? - Yes. - He's not the fellow that drives the hearse?
00:45:50 - No. - What good would your father be to us? - We can get in communication with him.
00:45:54 - What do you mean, by wrapping on a table? - No, wrapping on his door.
00:45:58 - You mean you've got a father living? - Yes.
00:46:01 - What do they hold him together with? Wire? Where is this ancient...
00:46:04 - Up along Turnbottom West. I'll take you there. - Come on, we're gonna meet Adam.
00:46:08 (footsteps)
00:46:11 (knocking)
00:46:19 - Who is it? - Tell me, me, Daddy.
00:46:23 - Well, don't stand over there. Come over here, where I can see you.
00:46:36 - Ah, it's you, is it? What are you doing here? School broken up?
00:46:40 Here! Who are you? - I'm Sergeant Dudford of the local police.
00:46:44 - Oh, copper, eh? What's the young rascal been up to this time? Breaking windows again?
00:46:48 - Breaking windows? What, at his age? Takes him all his time to break the bread to put in his milk.
00:46:53 - What do you want to wake me up in this time of the night for? Eh?
00:46:56 - Well, it's like this, Dad... - Oh, you shut up. I'll tell him.
00:46:59 You see, it's like this, Dad. We want your advice.
00:47:02 We want to know the last line of an old rhyme. - Oh, I know lots of old rhymes.
00:47:07 (laughing) - Yes, I'll bet you do. But it's not one of those.
00:47:11 Now listen. "When the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove,
00:47:14 "and the headless horseman's seen above, as he drives along with a wild hello,
00:47:19 "something, something, something, oh!" Now, do you remember it?
00:47:22 - Yes, I remember it. "When the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove,
00:47:26 "and the headless horseman is seen above, he drives along with his wild hello,
00:47:31 "something, something, something, oh!" - Yes?
00:47:34 - What's the last line? - Why, you silly old...
00:47:38 You old gentleman, that's what we come to you for!
00:47:41 - Oh, come on, Daddy, try and think. - Don't tell him me!
00:47:44 I've got it on the tip of my tongue! - Stick your tongue out. Let's have a look.
00:47:48 - "Something, something, something, oh! He drives along with his wild hello..."
00:47:53 - We've had all that. What we want is the "something, something, something, oh!"
00:47:57 - Oh. - Oh, listen. Take your mind back.
00:48:01 Forget all about what happened lately. Don't worry about Balaclava.
00:48:05 "As he drives along with a wild hello..."
00:48:08 - I've got it! I've got it! I've got it!
00:48:11 "As the tide runs low in the smuggler's cove, and the headless horseman is seen above,
00:48:16 "he drives along with his wild hello, that's the time when the smugglers go out
00:48:21 "in their little boats to the schooner and bring back the kegs of brandy and rum
00:48:25 "and put them in the devil's cave below."
00:48:28 - See? - See what? - That's the last line.
00:48:31 - It doesn't even rhyme. - Oh, yes, it does.
00:48:36 Now, listen. "As he drives along with his wild hello,
00:48:40 "that's the time when the smugglers go out in their little boats to the schooner
00:48:44 "and bring back the kegs of brandy and rum and put them in the devil's cave below."
00:48:48 See?
00:48:50 - Is that the line you couldn't remember? - That's right.
00:48:53 - I'm surprised. - Yes, it's made me feel quite hoarse.
00:48:56 I think I'll have a go. Have one?
00:48:58 Yes, made me hoarse listening to you. I'll have a blackcurrant.
00:49:01 - Ah, blackcurrant. - What's the matter? Very nice. Don't you like them?
00:49:05 No, I was putting them back.
00:49:08 "Devil's cave below." Below what?
00:49:12 - Below the cliff. - Cave below the cliff? I've never seen any cave.
00:49:15 Ah, that high water it's coming up. You never look when the tide's out.
00:49:19 - I've been there hundreds of times. - Oh, what for?
00:49:22 - Smuggling. - What?
00:49:24 - You come of a nice family, don't you? - Come on, the tide's low now.
00:49:28 If we hurry, we might catch a smuggler's red-handed.
00:49:31 - Oh, no, you won't. They'd never find the channel. - Oh, why not?
00:49:34 Because the light they used to steer by doesn't hang there anymore.
00:49:37 That's what you think. Well, kiss your daddy goodnight. We'll go.
00:49:41 Here, don't hurry away. Stop and have a cup of tea.
00:49:44 - Ma? Ma? - Ma?
00:49:46 - Hey, you don't tell me you've got a mother. Has he? - No, that's his wife.
00:49:50 - He married again in '96. - Oh, I see. Car flop, eh?
00:49:53 - Yes, well, go on. We haven't any time for tea. - Aren't you going to see the old lady?
00:49:57 Not likely. I'll stand for Adam, but I'm bloody well stand for Eve.
00:50:01 Goodnight, Daddy.
00:50:04 Come on. Hurry up. Get them in. The tide will be in in half an hour.
00:50:10 (Water splashes)
00:50:13 Well, here's the cove, but, er, where's the cave?
00:50:31 Oh, there it is.
00:50:34 Look.
00:50:39 - I wonder why we've never seen this place before. - First time I've been this far.
00:50:43 That's a nice admission to make. This is part of your beat.
00:50:46 Oops.
00:50:49 - Go on, get your boots off. - Go paddling in November.
00:50:53 - Not me. - Do you realise this is your superior officer talking?
00:50:56 - Yeah, caught in a lot of bilge. - You can go in with your boots on or off, but you're going in anyway.
00:51:01 Heartless. That's what you are. We'll catch our death of cold.
00:51:04 - Foolhardy. - That's what he is. Foolhardy.
00:51:07 - Look here. - Look here.
00:51:09 What's this?
00:51:11 - It's rum. - Tears toads me.
00:51:16 - What, with some more over there? - We're on the right track.
00:51:19 - Yes, well, get that out of the water and put it up there. - That's another bit of evidence for you.
00:51:23 - Hey, I thought you said there was no lighthouse about here. - That's not a lighthouse.
00:51:29 It's a revenue cutter.
00:51:31 - Are you sure they're policemen? - Well, they've got police uniforms on and they're running a cargo all right.
00:51:35 - If that isn't a keg of liquor they're carrying, I'll eat my hat. - Wait a minute. Give me those glasses.
00:51:39 - What do they want? - Probably looking for the smugglers.
00:51:43 - Oh, are they? - Interfering. - I see. Well, they're out smugglers, but we're going to get them first.
00:51:47 - Shh. - Follow me.
00:51:49 Hey, do you realise the police station's on the highest point around here?
00:52:01 I'll bet that's where that light was.
00:52:03 - Tell Jones to rail your door to the police immediately. - Right.
00:52:06 - Johnson! - Sir?
00:52:08 - Lower the starboard boat. - Sir?
00:52:10 Don't you think we'd better turn back now? It's getting a bit deep here, you know.
00:52:14 Deep? What do you mean, deep? Your feet are still touching the bottom, aren't they?
00:52:17 It's all right for you. You're taller than me.
00:52:19 Well, hang on to our spaces. Stop moaning.
00:52:21 You'd better keep your chins up here. It dips a bit.
00:52:24 A bit cold.
00:52:29 Oh.
00:52:31 - Well, our bottle's stopped moaning. How is he? - Oh, he's all right. He's hanging on to my waist.
00:52:39 Oh, good. That's it. Hey, he's underwater! Get him up out of there!
00:52:43 Hey, what are you doing down there, you chump?
00:52:46 Oh! Oh, that's probably about five gallons of water.
00:52:49 Oh, it's a pity he didn't swallow some more of you. That made it shallower.
00:52:52 - Well, climb on his shoulder, of course. - Shoulder?
00:52:54 - Yes, that's right. - Don't push me under.
00:52:56 Up you go. Now, you carry... What's the matter? What's the matter?
00:53:00 - Shrimp. - Shrimp? Well, you carry this lamp. That'll give you something to do.
00:53:04 - All right. - Now, follow me.
00:53:07 It's patrol boat D6, sir, reporting smuggling in Devil's Cave.
00:53:11 Why don't they get in touch with the local police station?
00:53:13 Sounds incredible, sir. They think the local police are working in with the smugglers.
00:53:17 - What? - Ridiculous.
00:53:19 - Where is Devil's Cave? - The low-turn bottom round, sir.
00:53:22 - Turn bottom round? Why, that's... I might have known. - Call out the squad car.
00:53:25 Tell them to have some men down there right away.
00:53:28 - Oh, oh, oh, come on. - How can I hurry up with the old man in the sea on me back?
00:53:34 - Here, here, let's go over. - Must I have to swim for it?
00:53:37 No, you won't have to swim for it. It won't get any deeper than this.
00:53:40 - Oh, oh, oh. - There you are. Told you you'd have to swim.
00:53:44 - I didn't swim, I sunk. - Oh, look, a landing stage.
00:53:47 - Oh, yes. - They've been doing a bit of landing there, too, haven't they?
00:53:50 - Yeah. - Oh, yes.
00:53:52 (Groaning)
00:53:54 Oh, look, there's a tunnel here. Now we shall find out where they are.
00:54:00 Well, there's another tunnel there. They might have gone either way.
00:54:03 (Groaning)
00:54:05 I wonder what's in all these.
00:54:07 - Oh, brandy. - Rum.
00:54:11 Gin. Oh, look.
00:54:13 A lot more.
00:54:15 In fact, somebody's going to open a pub down here.
00:54:17 And who are they going to sell the stuff to, mermaids?
00:54:19 There's a tunnel here and a tunnel there. We'd better toss up and see which one we'll take.
00:54:23 - Hedge, we go this way? - In tails we go out.
00:54:25 We don't go home till we've found the smugglers. Give me a penny.
00:54:28 - I haven't got one. - In a money box.
00:54:30 - We can't toss up, will we? - Hey!
00:54:32 Cigarette end. Still burning, too.
00:54:35 Ooh, turkeys.
00:54:37 Hey, hey, don't smoke it. That's a clue.
00:54:39 - Well, this proves they've gone this way. - Yeah.
00:54:42 - All right, come on. - All right.
00:54:44 (Footsteps)
00:54:46 - Boots, boots, boots! - Come on, put some beef in it!
00:54:53 (Grunts)
00:54:55 - Oh. Well, we gave some anyway. - I thought those stats would never end.
00:55:01 - Yeah. - Ooh, a shank.
00:55:03 - Oh. - Hey, look at all these barrels here.
00:55:06 - Looks as if we struck a beer mine. - Have you ever heard of a beer mine?
00:55:09 I don't know. You say mine's a beer?
00:55:11 Yours'll be a thick ear if you don't shut up.
00:55:14 There! There's a box of candles.
00:55:16 That's a funny thing to smuggle. There's no duty on candles?
00:55:19 Perhaps they come from abroad. They may be Roman candles.
00:55:22 - I wonder what's in that crate. - Ooh, soap.
00:55:24 - Soap? How do you know? - Mine comes in a case like this.
00:55:27 - I like the soap's only camouflage. - No, it isn't. It's cast steel.
00:55:30 - Look, there's a label on the side. - It's so alive.
00:55:33 - Hey, it's got your name on it. - Has it?
00:55:37 - Yes. - What's it doing down here?
00:55:39 - I don't know. - So would I.
00:55:41 Ooh, look. Here. This is the box I keep my tapioca in.
00:55:45 - Somebody must have raided our cellar. - Yeah, looks like it.
00:55:48 What? Raided our cellar?
00:55:50 - Can't you see where we are? - We're in our cellar.
00:55:53 - Oh! - Ooh! So we are.
00:55:56 There's impudence. I like that. Storing the stuff in our own cellar.
00:55:59 They're not going to get away with that. I'll show them.
00:56:02 - I tell you. - What?
00:56:04 We'll fill the stuff and teach them a lesson.
00:56:06 - We'll get ten years. - No fear. We'll phone the chief constable.
00:56:09 Hello? Hello? Get me door, Mr 666. Chief constable.
00:56:25 Yes, this is urgent. Let's see what evidence we've got.
00:56:28 We've got all our stuff in the cellar. These three watches.
00:56:31 - And the Turkish fag end. - Oh, the Turkish fag end. I forgot that.
00:56:34 Not many people smoke that kind of cigarette. It ought to be easy to trace.
00:56:38 - Cigarette? - Oh, the squire.
00:56:42 You gave me quite a shock.
00:56:44 That's funny. You smoke the same kind of cigarettes as our clue does.
00:56:48 - So it seems. - That's lucky. You may be able to help us.
00:56:51 - You think I might? - Yes.
00:56:53 This is going to come as a shock to you, but there's smuggling going on around here.
00:56:57 - I know. - You mean you know who it is?
00:57:00 - Yes. It's me. - You?
00:57:03 - You're joking. - No, I'm not.
00:57:05 I'd advise you to keep your nose out of it. It'll be healthier for you.
00:57:09 Healthier? Oh.
00:57:11 You mean that all this is...
00:57:13 - Oh, dear. - What an itch!
00:57:15 - Hello? - That's the chief constable. I wouldn't answer if I were you.
00:57:19 Don't forget that the contraband is stored in your cellar
00:57:22 and that the light was hung on top of your police station.
00:57:25 Oh. I see his point.
00:57:28 Yes, well, I don't. It's against the law and I put my hands to the plough
00:57:32 - and what? - Oh, well, I've taken them off again.
00:57:35 - Here, that's our evidence. - Shut up!
00:57:38 Hello. Yes, Danny?
00:57:41 Chief, the lorry's waiting in the five o'clock office.
00:57:44 Right. Then go and tell them we start loading in one.
00:57:47 - Come on! Come on! - Get your hands up now!
00:57:51 - Grab 'em, boys! - Let me make it work for you.
00:57:54 - See you after work, boys. - I'll get the cover.
00:57:57 I'll get the cover.
00:57:59 - Get back to work. - Yes, sir.
00:58:02 Hey! What's the idea of this?
00:58:05 - All right, get a move on. - Goodbye, sir.
00:58:08 Goodbye, Dadford. I don't suppose we'll see each other for some time.
00:58:12 - Hurry up, Sam. - I'll get through with this.
00:58:15 You see, my doc? You can't get away with this!
00:58:18 I'll get you ten years in jail! I know you're all by sight!
00:58:22 You won't be long before I've looked you all through bars!
00:58:27 - Hurry up, boys! - Chief! Chief!
00:58:30 - Yes, what is it? - The rabble you made are onto us!
00:58:34 Quick, boys, take all you can. We have to leave the rest.
00:58:38 - How'd you lick that? - Stop it!
00:58:49 - What do you want to take the key for? - I couldn't help it.
00:58:53 - You've got a stomach! - You know what this means.
00:58:56 We've got to go about all the time now.
00:58:59 Look at that lot. They can't be far away.
00:59:06 Signal the second boat party.
00:59:09 (Horn honks)
00:59:11 - I want to get out of here. - Take the bar out.
00:59:37 - She was likely to bite through one. - No, the one we used as a poker.
00:59:42 - Which is it? - Here.
00:59:44 Oh, that's fine.
00:59:46 - I've got to go. - All right.
00:59:53 Wait for me!
01:00:03 Now we're going after them.
01:00:06 - Come on, clank it up. - Clank it up.
01:00:13 - Oh, corporate! I'll swing it unless you swing it too. - Go on.
01:00:22 - You won't start unless you choke her. - We'll choke her when we're here.
01:00:30 All right, I will.
01:00:33 (Beeping)
01:00:35 - Hey! Hey! What are you trying to do? Choke me?
01:00:42 - Don't go to sleep there. Get in the car. - Go on.
01:00:46 - Move over. - Here, wait for me.
01:00:54 We're not going to go. Get up, Curtis.
01:00:57 (Car engine starts)
01:00:59 - Can't you run any faster? You're nearly pulling my arm off. - I'm only touching the ground.
01:01:14 - When you do touch the ground, jump farther. - I can't jump.
01:01:18 - Why don't you jump on the running board? - Where is the ground?
01:01:25 - Jump on the bracket. - Oh, oh, oh.
01:01:28 Never thought of that.
01:01:32 Just in time, sir. There's a terminal easy from the sea into the cellar.
01:01:45 - It's packed with contraband. - Find out if Dudford's on the premises.
01:01:49 - Let's have a look at this. - Yes, sir.
01:01:51 Hey, pull up. Pull up.
01:01:54 There they are. Cool, look.
01:01:57 Well, this looks like the last trip, sir.
01:02:05 - There's your headless horseman. - Shall we fill in the hole, sir?
01:02:11 No, tip the hearse to the quarry and scatter.
01:02:14 I'll get in touch with you boys later from London.
01:02:17 (Horse snorts)
01:02:19 Hey, go on, tail that lorry!
01:02:30 The missing car is a black Morris, number FN8429.
01:02:42 There are three wants men in it. Right.
01:02:45 - Good-bye. - Good-bye, sir.
01:02:47 How are we going to get after him?
01:02:51 - Keep the shirt on. We've another can in the bank. - Hop out and get it.
01:02:55 Come on.
01:02:59 Come on.
01:03:02 Oh, wait a minute.
01:03:04 - What's that noise? - It's the radio.
01:03:12 - We'll have a bit of music. - Music?
01:03:15 We've got enough on our minds to listen to that rubbish.
01:03:18 - Steady on. Don't make me spill it. - Use a funnel.
01:03:21 - I haven't got a funnel. - Use a bit of imagination.
01:03:24 Here.
01:03:26 - There, use that. - Phew!
01:03:29 That's it.
01:03:31 - Calling all police patrols. - Who said that?
01:03:34 Hey, that's a police message.
01:03:36 Keep watch for and stop black Morris tourer, number FN8429.
01:03:42 Believe travelling towards London.
01:03:44 - Oh, London Road. That's this road. - Yeah.
01:03:46 If we keep our eyes open, we might catch them as well.
01:03:49 - Yes. - I will repeat that.
01:03:51 Car number FN8429.
01:03:54 - Did you get that number? - Got it.
01:03:57 We've had it all the time.
01:03:59 - Well... - Oh.
01:04:01 - I wonder what they want us for. - Probably a bad old Joe's grandmother.
01:04:05 The car is driven by three wanted police.
01:04:08 - Their arrest is essential. - Oh, dear.
01:04:11 - I will repeat that. - We heard you the first time.
01:04:14 - Get out of the way. - We can't use this car.
01:04:17 We'll shove it down the side road, then get a lift.
01:04:20 - Go on. Off you go. - Steady.
01:04:22 Go on. Shove off!
01:04:24 - Hey, look. They're coming. - Stop it.
01:04:33 - Keep an eye on it. - They are.
01:04:35 Quick.
01:04:37 - What have you got in that tin? - Only milk, sir.
01:04:44 Milk? At this time of the morning?
01:04:47 I will deliver it this time, sir.
01:04:50 It looks highly suspicious to me.
01:04:52 - And to me. - Me too.
01:04:54 - Where's your milk book? - My what, sir?
01:04:57 Your milk book. The book you put your milk in.
01:05:00 - I've got one, sir. - Oh!
01:05:02 He hasn't got a milk book.
01:05:04 You can't go around the country milking without a book.
01:05:07 - Get one immediately. - Yes, sir.
01:05:09 Leave your bicycle where it is. We'll look after that.
01:05:12 Off you go and run away.
01:05:14 (Helicopter blades whirring)
01:05:17 A lorry ahead. Shall we question the driver?
01:05:34 - No, we have time for that. Get in front of it. - Right, sir.
01:05:38 (Helicopter blades whirring)
01:05:41 There they are. Let's have a look.
01:05:47 See the tail light?
01:05:49 I've got the problem. We'll never catch them at this speed.
01:05:52 Take your beard out of the milk.
01:05:54 - How does this stop? Put the brakes on. - I've got them on.
01:06:01 I'll put your feet on the ground.
01:06:03 - Look out! - Oh, dear!
01:06:05 (Screaming)
01:06:07 - Oh, dear! - Oh!
01:06:11 - Blimey, what have you done? - It was your fault messing with the handlebars.
01:06:15 - Hear, hear! What's the idea? - Oh, God!
01:06:18 Did you see the signal? This'll cost you something.
01:06:21 I'll report you. I'll report you. See if I know.
01:06:24 What are you bored about, then?
01:06:26 Hey, look. Let's knock off this van.
01:06:29 You can't go about knocking off people's property.
01:06:32 - Besides, there may be somebody in it. - All right.
01:06:35 Get in there. What are you arguing about?
01:06:38 Hey! Hey! Hey!
01:06:48 - They shouldn't have let us in. - I didn't see anyone.
01:06:51 Oh! Here's a bit of fun. We're on a coffee stall.
01:06:54 - Coffee stall? Cool. So it is. - I'll climb round and see if I can find pork pies.
01:06:59 We've got to catch that lorry. Don't try to worry about pork pies.
01:07:03 There's our lorry.
01:07:05 Hey, the van's tailing us, and it's got three coppers in it.
01:07:10 Blimey, it's stunted.
01:07:13 Take the next turning down to the left. We'll check him off.
01:07:16 All right, we'll hold tight.
01:07:18 Come on, back up a bit. Back up.
01:07:24 They can't get away with that. He didn't even put his hand down.
01:07:28 (Engine roars)
01:07:30 Checking him off yet?
01:07:35 - No. They're still after us. - All right, then. Turn your lights down.
01:07:41 - Hey! Left, honey? - Gone!
01:07:44 - What do you mean, gone? - They've left the road.
01:07:47 - What have you done? Driven up a tree? - They say you're following something.
01:07:50 Let's get inside and have a good go out. Maybe that wanted car will come by.
01:07:54 - What wanted car? - The one they spoke of over the wireless.
01:07:57 - FN 8429. - FN 842...
01:07:59 That's our own car, isn't it? Remember we shoved it up a side road?
01:08:03 FN 8429. If you don't shut up, you'll be R.I.P. 82.
01:08:06 Go on, Albert.
01:08:21 Hey! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
01:08:24 - What's the idea of being asleep on duty? - You don't even have to be asleep!
01:08:28 You don't sleep any time... Hey, wake up!
01:08:31 - Oh! - There you are. You've ditched this now.
01:08:38 - Never, have you? - I was driving all right while I was asleep.
01:08:41 - It's you waking me up. - You're having a bit of bad luck, aren't you?
01:08:45 Bad luck? I'm chained to it.
01:08:50 - How much longer? - OK, boss. We're all set now.
01:08:53 All right.
01:08:55 - Hey! There's our lorry! - Look! Come on!
01:09:11 (Squeaking)
01:09:13 Can't you give me a bit more room? I've never done one of these things before.
01:09:32 - This wasn't made for three people. - It wasn't made for one your size.
01:09:37 (Squeaking)
01:09:39 There's a bus spotting us now.
01:09:46 Scotty's stabbed foot again.
01:09:51 The stolen bus has just come by. Head in for the Weybridge Road.
01:10:03 Calling all cars. Wanted bus seen in Weybridge District. Proceed to that area.
01:10:08 The bus company never stops at the authorized places.
01:10:21 They queue up and then they run like crazy.
01:10:24 - Go on! There's a green light! - I know! I'm not colourblind!
01:10:28 - The bus won't start. - I know what's wrong. We haven't rang the bell.
01:10:32 (Horn honks)
01:10:34 (Screams)
01:10:36 - Who was that? - Shut up! I've got as much licence as you have!
01:10:48 What's he playing at?
01:10:50 - Get out of here! - Hey, what are you doing?
01:10:53 - What's the matter? Somebody behind us? - Someone behind us?
01:11:00 - We've got a full house. - Yeah, haven't we?
01:11:03 - Hey, when did all those people come past? - They must have got on when we stopped.
01:11:08 - Now they're on, they can stay on. - Oh, for the life...
01:11:11 Wait till that conductor comes down. I'll lodge a complaint about this.
01:11:15 (Tires screech)
01:11:17 - Police! - What am I doing? Stop? - No. Turn left!
01:11:36 (Horn honks)
01:11:41 (Horn honks)
01:11:43 - Come on, move along! - I'm trying to be quiet!
01:12:03 - I don't want to speak like that. - I'm in your right!
01:12:08 - It is the right lane. - Oh, God, no!
01:12:11 - Oh, God, now I'm coming! - (Horn honks)
01:12:16 (Horn honks)
01:12:18 (Horn honks)
01:12:21 Oh, that was a near-dear one, that.
01:12:24 Get out there, that lorry!
01:12:27 We need over! Turn left!
01:12:37 (Horn honks)
01:12:39 - You had a nice laugh, now you're caught. - It's not as you want it.
01:12:53 - Don't let him get away! - (Horn honks)
01:12:56 - Oh, no, you don't! - Get those three down at once!
01:13:04 - This is the man you want! - Yes!
01:13:07 - He's full of true bandits! - Right, right.
01:13:10 - There's gunners all over the place. - Fantastic!
01:13:13 - Are you accusing me of smuggling? - Yes, I am.
01:13:16 - You're the smuggler. - That's a fib! He's always telling fibs!
01:13:19 Shut up, you!
01:13:21 - I've seen you before, haven't I? - No.
01:13:25 That's another fib! Remember the day I knocked you on the head
01:13:28 and you'd gone into a shop window?
01:13:30 This is the fellow that came and backed us up.
01:13:33 - So you admit it, you flaggard. - Yes, but we've caught the smugglers.
01:13:37 - The rest are lot of them. - Wait a minute.
01:13:39 - You tell me that you saw me? - Well, hold...
01:13:42 (snarling)
01:13:45 (snarling)
01:13:48 (snarling)
01:13:51 (snarling)
01:13:54 (snarling)
01:13:57 [Music]