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00:00 Hey, you know it's possible to treat a rare thing like it's common. That didn't
00:05 just happen in the reality of life, it happens in relationships. This is why a
00:09 key to shifting any relationship is knowing how to cherish who you with. I
00:14 want to teach you how to do that in this message man. It's called "We've Got Work
00:18 to Do." One request, if it helps and blesses you, just send it to somebody
00:23 else. Take care. In this Sikh season, we want to spend four weeks just kind of
00:29 working through this idea of seeking. We want to be all in on Sikh season. So
00:33 let's go together to Genesis 29 verse number 20. It says, "So Jacob served seven
00:40 years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his
00:47 love for her." I want to talk from this subject in our time together family.
00:51 We've got work to do. We've got work to do. Family, several years ago at a men's
01:00 gathering, I conducted an informal poll in an attempt to get a sense of what
01:07 words men would use to describe their sentiments and sensibilities
01:14 regarding their relationships. I knew I would get an array of emotions, but I was
01:21 looking for one word that stuck out head and shoulders above the rest that
01:27 described the way the majority of the men felt, not about, but in their
01:37 relationships. And as you could imagine, there were a plethora of responses, but
01:43 there is one sentiment that consistently stood out undeniably, unequivocally,
01:51 head and shoulders above the rest, and that was, in that room, most men felt
02:00 unappreciated. Now, please don't hear what I'm not saying. Please don't read what
02:07 I'm not writing. I am not saying they were saying they were unappreciated. I'm
02:13 saying they felt unappreciated. They felt as if there was not adequate
02:20 expression. There was not intentionality when it came to verbally or visibly
02:30 articulating the value of the contribution that they were making to
02:37 the relationship. And as I began to reflect on that experience, I came to the
02:44 conclusion, to the consensus, that it's not only men who share that sentiment.
02:49 That anybody can be in a relationship where they feel loved, maybe needed, but
02:57 that doesn't mean they feel valued. And there is very little more frustrating
03:04 and demotivating and discouraging to being, watch this, to seeing someone that
03:13 can't see you. Because just because we are seeing each other doesn't mean we
03:23 see each other. Did you hear what I just said? Just because we are seeing each
03:29 other doesn't mean we don't see each other. And I realize and recognize that
03:36 getting this right is really a key to shifting any relationship. This is why in
03:43 this series Relationships, we've been arguing that every relationship must go
03:48 through relationships. Because if a relationship doesn't go through
03:53 relationships, what will end up happening is you will look up one day and see we
03:59 had a great relationship, but we no longer have a great relationship because
04:05 things change and we change, but the relationship didn't. And I don't know
04:14 about you, but if you are, watch this, if you are going to sign up for
04:24 something meaningful, you don't want it to be characterized by misery. That if
04:34 this is going to be long-term, it's got to be more than long, it needs to be
04:40 strong. And this is why these shifts are important because if your standard for
04:47 relationships is simply a cultural standard, then you are okay with
04:51 relationships simply being not bad. But if your standards for relationships is a
04:57 kingdom standard, you are not okay with relationships simply being not bad
05:01 because God didn't send, Jesus didn't come on the cross to die just for us to
05:06 have a life that's not bad. He didn't send the Holy Spirit just for us to have
05:11 a life that's not bad. He didn't give us all of these abilities and this acumen
05:16 and these opportunities for us to have a life that's not bad. Settling may be
05:20 standard for culture, but it is not standard for the kingdom. You can settle
05:26 in the kingdom, you just won't be happy settling because God put something on
05:31 the inside of you that has an appetite for more and you can suppress it and you
05:37 can ignore it, but you cannot evict it because truth be told, there is something
05:43 on the inside of you that is allergic to average. Now you might be tolerating it,
05:48 but you're still allergic to it and you shouldn't apologize for it. Did you hear
05:55 what I just said? I'm not apologizing for what make me itch. If you are
06:00 okay with it, then I'm gonna let you be okay with it, but my Bible tells me God
06:05 wants to do exceedingly and abundantly and above all, I ask a thing. I don't want
06:12 an average mind, I don't want an average job, I don't want average resources, and I
06:17 don't want an average relationship. Shift!
06:23 I want to shift because when I do it, when I shift to doing it the
06:31 King's way, not just culture's way, when I shift to doing it the King's way, then
06:35 it produces a kind of relationship that's characterized by three realities. It
06:39 produces, first of all, a relationship that's fruitful. Somebody say fruitful.
06:44 This means you're able to produce together what couldn't be produced
06:49 apart. Gosh, did you hear what I said? Be fruitful and multiply. Doesn't just,
06:55 doesn't just, I want you to catch this, doesn't just apply to conception, it
07:00 applies to creation. It means that through our collaboration, we can create
07:06 something that exists in the earth that would not exist if we didn't get
07:11 together. This is why the devil doesn't mind you finding a person, but he wants
07:16 to keep you from your person. Because when you get your person, y'all get
07:22 together and you start producing stuff in the earth that cannot be produced any
07:28 other way. I'm a little old school, so some of y'all, this is gonna be too old for
07:32 you, but a few of y'all will catch it. I'm a movement by myself.
07:40 But I'm a force when we're together. I'm good all by myself, but you make me
07:47 better. Is there anybody in the room today that says, "I want somebody that
07:54 makes me better." And when we get together, we make each other better, and we start
08:00 producing stuff that makes the world better. Fruitful. Means that there's some
08:12 collaboration as a result of our partnership. There's some collaboration.
08:18 There are things that are produced that add value to the world because we got
08:23 together. Now I can prove this biblically. I'm not gonna bother, but I could.
08:34 Because even when God arranges the first relationship, the relationship was a
08:42 response. God arranging the relationship was a response to Adam's
08:46 inability to carry out an assignment without a helper. So what Eve is called
08:54 is a helpmate. So it's like God saying, "I'm not just sending you company. I'm not
09:05 just sending you company. I'm not just sending you somebody to eat with. I'm not
09:09 just sending you somebody to travel with. I'm not just sending you somebody to go
09:12 on vacation with. I'm not just sending you somebody to walk in the park with. I'm
09:16 not just sending you somebody to live with. I'm sending you some help. I'm
09:21 sending you an asset, not a liability. I'm sending you something, somebody that's
09:27 gonna help you step into a version of you that you didn't even know existed.
09:32 I'm gonna pull something out of you that you didn't even know was in you, Adam.
09:39 Help. When Adam saw Eve, he said, "She's attractive and an asset." Because if you
09:52 read the text, God didn't say, "This is bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh." Adam
09:57 looked at her and said, "This is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh." It's fruitful.
10:09 But it's not only fruitful. Number two, it's fulfilling. What does this mean? This
10:17 means you're living in a place of relational satisfaction. Now let's
10:24 correct some theology here. I said let's correct some theology here. Let's correct
10:31 some theology here. You can compartmentalize homes. You can
10:36 compartmentalize tasks. You can compartmentalize things, but you cannot
10:40 compartmentalize yourself. Each aspect of you is interdependent on another. And
10:47 anyone that assumes that one aspect of you is not impacting the other is
10:52 deceived or naive. Where you are spiritually affects you emotionally. Did
11:03 you hear what I said? If I'm not strong spiritually, I'm fragile emotionally. As a
11:11 matter of fact, when the Bible talks about the fruit of the Spirit, a large
11:14 part of the fruit affects my emotional life. Joy, that's emotional. That's fruit
11:19 of the Spirit. That is evidence of the Spirit guiding and governing my life. It
11:23 produces the emotional result, the emotional disposition of peace, joy. Come
11:33 on, long-suffering, patience. So where I am spiritually affects me emotionally. But
11:42 see, the reverse is true. This is where our theology gets off. The
11:45 Pastor Deli and I, we're going to talk about this in Thrive on Wednesday.
11:48 Hebrews 4.12 talks about how the soul and the spirit are analogous to bones,
11:55 joints, and marrow. So how I am spiritually affects me emotionally, but
12:01 how I am emotionally affects me spiritually. Because sometimes you know
12:05 you need to pray, but you're too sad to. Where's my real church? Where's my real
12:11 church? Come on, sometimes we know we need to worship, but we're too discouraged to.
12:16 Some people have issue even relating to God as Father. So when I, so when Jesus,
12:26 when Jesus says, "Your heavenly Father knows what you need," before you ask, how
12:32 that's going to resonate with you is impacted by what happened to you
12:39 relationally and emotionally. So that creates your filter spiritually and
12:44 whether or not you can embrace God as Father. So if what happens to me, if where
12:56 I'm spiritually affects me emotionally, if where I'm emotionally affects me
12:58 spiritually, where I am emotionally affects me relationally. And where I am
13:05 relationally affects me emotionally, and that doesn't mean I'm spiritually weak.
13:09 It means I'm a human. Why are you sad? I just got broke up with. Give me a minute.
13:20 Y'all not talking to me. You shouldn't be sad. Yes I should. You
13:25 haven't read your whole Bible. My Bible says there's a time to weep. Come on. Now
13:31 when the time is up, I need to stop. But there is a time, come on, to weep. The
13:37 Bible says that the weeping is a process and a path that leads me to the
13:44 rejoicing. Those that sow in tears shall reap in joy. And the reason some people
13:54 won't reap in joy is because they won't sow in tears. I need you to get away from
14:01 people that won't let you cry. Let me go over here. I'm not crying because I'm
14:08 weak. I'm crying so I can stay strong. I'm not crying because I'm falling apart. I'm
14:14 crying so I can keep myself together. Now weeping may endure for a night. Call me
14:22 back tomorrow, but tonight
14:29 weeping may endure for a night. Watch this. It didn't say weeping will. It
14:40 didn't say weeping will. Weeping may. It may be a night. It may not.
14:55 So it's hard to thrive emotionally when you're fighting relationally. Like 90%
15:07 of the other areas of our life can be flowing and fruitful. And as soon as your
15:15 mind shifts to that other 10%
15:19 Come on here. I don't know. Right? Right? It means that just because something is
15:28 more doesn't mean it weighs more. Come on here. So you can have 90% going well
15:36 over here, but if 10% is going bad in a relationship, you put them both on the
15:40 scale that 10% will weigh more.
15:44 So when it's done the King's way, because I'm satisfied relationally, I'm
15:58 flourishing emotionally. It means I'm not living in a constant state of constant
16:03 frustration. Now how real can I be at this service? You understand? Like, okay, I'm
16:11 I said, okay, here it is. Y'all heard me use this analogy. Here's an analogy of
16:19 what it means to live in relational frustration. It means that you're
16:25 committed to only shopping at one store, but they won't put what you need on the
16:30 shelf.
16:40 Y'all told me that. Literally. So it's a constant state of frustration because I
16:50 can only shop at this store. So you put me in a position where I choose to be
16:54 holy and frustrated.
16:57 But when it's done the King's way, there's relational satisfaction because
17:10 it means that their obsession is serving you and meeting your needs, and your
17:15 obsession is serving them and meeting their needs. So everybody's needs are
17:19 matter. And then here's another one. Fulfilling. Did I talk about that already?
17:31 Did I do fruitful? I did fulfilling? No I didn't. I did flourishing. Yeah. Guys, this is the
17:40 third time I preach this today. Bear with me here. Fulfilling. Yeah, you live in a
17:48 place of relationships. Y'all got it. All right. Now how many, thank you, love you back.
17:59 How many know we want to shift to fruitful, flourishing, and fulfilling? And
18:06 that's what this series is about. It's about giving us keys that will
18:10 shift the relationship in that direction. And so we talked about the key of
18:13 communication, and then we talked about the key of comprehension last week, and
18:18 today's about the key of cherishing. See this key of cherishing, can we correct
18:26 some theology? So this key of cherishing is based on this principle. Everybody
18:30 God made is equally valuable, but everybody doesn't add equal value to you.
18:37 Did you hear what I just said? Everybody that God made is equally valuable, but
18:43 everyone doesn't add equal value to you. And so people that add unique value to
18:48 you should be valued uniquely, because it means that you realize and recognize
18:52 that there are some things that are rare. So you can replace certain people, but
18:57 you can't replace what they bring. Y'all missed that. Yep, so they got another one,
19:01 but they didn't get another you. I'm gonna say that one more time. They got
19:07 another one, but they didn't get another you, because they weren't wise enough to
19:12 recognize where, rare. See, when you're not wise enough to recognize rare, you treat
19:17 rare like it's common, and you don't realize that everybody doesn't get rare.
19:22 And so because everybody doesn't get rare, you're not entitled to rare. And so
19:27 some people never get it, you get it one time and fumble it and think you're
19:30 gonna get it again, but you fumbled rare because you confused rare with common.
19:36 And some people's greatest mistake is they fumbled you in a season before they
19:44 could see you. You thought it was sweet out there. You thought you could find
19:51 another me, and now you've been outside and you want to come inside, but the
19:56 door's locked. It's too late now. You fumbled.
20:04 [Applause]
20:26 This is why cherishing is important, because cherishing, and some of us that
20:32 are married, you vowed to do this. I don't know if you knew what you were saying
20:39 when you said it. Come on. And Ecclesiastes says, "Don't make a vow you
20:47 don't intend to keep." It's better to make one, not make one, to make one and not
20:51 keep it. And some of us said, "I vow to love and cherish," which means you can love
20:57 what you don't cherish. Woof! Did you hear what I just said? Because cherishing is
21:04 the proper recognition of the unique qualities and contributions of your mate.
21:12 Watch this. Not just recognition, and responding to that recognition in a way
21:18 that honors it, values it, and treasures it. This is unique, and I need to treat it
21:29 like it's unique, because there's no guarantee that if I lose this one, I find
21:36 another.
21:38 Everyone might be replaceable, but everything they bring isn't. And wisdom
21:56 gives you the ability to discern difference. Disrear. An example of what
22:07 this looks like practically can be seen in our text here in the book of Genesis.
22:11 This story is a powerful picture of what it means to cherish, because the
22:16 Bible is giving us some insight into this incident where culturally now, in
22:21 this cultural context, marriages were arranged. So there's this young man named
22:25 Jacob who wants to marry this woman he's enamored with named Rachel. So he goes to
22:31 Rachel's father and says, "I have nothing to barter but me. I don't have a rich
22:40 daddy that can barter with you. As a matter of fact, I deceived my daddy.
22:46 That's why I'm on the run. My brother want to kill me. I come from a family of
22:51 dysfunction, but I don't want a family of dysfunction to come from me."
22:58 Did you hear what I just said? Yeah. And so he says, "So what I'll do is I'll offer
23:06 you my indentured servitude for seven years. And at the end of seven years,
23:14 give me Rachel." Laban says, "Okay." And the Bible says, "So Jacob served seven years
23:23 to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love
23:33 for her." That sounds so sweet, don't it? I say it just sounds sweet, don't it? But let
23:39 me tell you the rest of the story.
23:42 After seven years, he's so excited and emotionally intoxicated. He's at the
23:52 wedding ceremony and a woman walks down the aisle that he thinks is Rachel. He
24:02 goes through the whole wedding and never lifts up the veil. He consummates the
24:10 marriage. And then after the consummation, he gets a revelation. "Your daddy didn't
24:19 give me Rachel." Laban had another daughter named Leah who was going to be
24:27 a little more difficult. That's the Bible.
24:33 So Laban switches because obviously he had seen some trait in Jacob
24:42 where he knew he wouldn't do thorough investigation. Come on, see everybody
24:54 watching you not watching you to help you. Everybody watching you is not
24:59 watching you because they impressed with your strength. They looking for a
25:03 weakness. And he saw his naivety and his impulsiveness. He says, "I can switch this.
25:09 He's not even gonna look." So he thought he got Rachel but he ended up getting Leah.
25:16 That happened to him literally. It can happen to us metaphorically. When you
25:21 don't lift the veil, when you don't do enough investigation, when you rush in
25:27 too quickly, you end up thinking you're getting Rachel. And then you look up and
25:35 you say, "I didn't marry who I thought I did. I fell in love with my assumption
25:47 about who you are." So it's not that I no longer love you. I never loved this
25:55 version. Where is my church? It's that I loved Rachel. This is Leah. You not. But I
26:08 can't judge you because I ain't lift up the veil. So I can't punish you for not
26:15 being what you've never been.
26:22 You didn't fool me. I was foolish. But I was so excited at the wedding. I didn't
26:31 notice. Rachel kind of built a little different today. I'm so excited at the
26:38 wedding. Rachel walking a little different today. I'm so excited at the
26:42 wedding. Rachel saying her vows. She don't really sound the same. All the signs
26:48 become clear in retrospect. When you look back, you can see all the things you
26:58 didn't look at.
27:01 But Jacob goes back to Laban and say, "Bro."
27:13 "What we doing?" Laban say, "My bad." He say, "I need Rachel." Laban say, "I need seven
27:28 more years." And Jacob said, "Yes." I'm like, "Wait a minute, Jacob." But he got a
27:43 revelation of rare. His experience with Leah only confirmed his desire for
27:51 Rachel. He was like, "Rachel, I thought you were rare. But now that I've had an
27:56 experience with Leah, I realize and recognize that you are much more rare
28:00 than I initially thought. And so now I got a greater appreciation for who she is.
28:05 And so I'm gonna cherish her because cherishing isn't an emotion, it's an
28:11 action." The cherishing was revealed in his willingness to work for her. So he
28:21 was working to get her practically. We should be working to keep them
28:25 emotionally. See, when you don't work to keep them emotionally, you can assume
28:33 because you have them, you got them. And I want you to know some people leave even
28:38 though they never leave. There's some people will never leave but a part of
28:46 them gone. And they're staying because it's easier to. It's not do you have them
28:59 in the home, it's do you have their heart still.
29:04 Tariot played this out of this. It's cherish. Passwords is like, practically
29:16 there's like a few things I want to give them to you. Y'all ready for points?
29:19 All right, let's do this. All right, number one, practically what's this look like? It
29:23 looks like curiosity. It means there's this willingness. If you cherish me,
29:30 there's this willingness to consistently explore where I am. That you're
29:38 constantly trying to know me. Watch this, because curiosity brings clarity. You need
29:46 clarity to see those unique qualities. Come on, am I making sense? And clarity
29:52 addresses the enemy of relational familiarity. See, this is what happens. You
30:01 can have something that is rare so long that rare become common. That's why some
30:08 people treat their lifestyle. You don't realize that the majority of the world
30:12 don't live like you. The majority of the world does not live, but it is so common
30:20 that you forgot it's rare.
30:24 And sometimes you got to look at who you with and really ask yourself
30:31 objectively, how many more of them did God make? I'm not talking about a man who
30:40 could write a check or a woman who got a pretty body, but I'm talking about these
30:43 qualities. How many more of them that God made? How many more of them do you trust
30:54 to stay if you lose it all? If you're sick, if you're sick, will they stay? Will
31:07 they help you to the bathroom? See, some people only pick people that are only
31:14 good for a season. And when you're choosing for a lifetime, you got to trust
31:26 them in every season.
31:29 See, because just because someone values you doesn't mean they value the right
31:37 things. Are you valuing something that can change?
31:46 And I don't know if you have time to deal with this, but I was gonna take you to
31:56 Mark 6 and I was gonna show you how even with Jesus, familiarity blocks what's in
32:02 the other person for you. Mark 6, "A prophet's not without honor except for his own
32:07 home." He did not do many miracles there except lay his hands on a few sick
32:12 people. A few people got what was available for many because they were so
32:19 familiar. Isn't this the carpenter's son, familiarity? I grew up with him. I know
32:22 little Jesus. They grew up with him and there was something in him that they
32:27 never pulled out because they wouldn't honor it. And there's something in the
32:33 person you with that never can get pulled out if we don't honor it, cherish
32:39 that. They're getting questioned everywhere else. Some of them being second-guessed
32:47 everywhere else. Some of us are being dismissed everywhere else. When I come
32:51 home, questioned at work, questioned in rooms, dismissed, doubted, but when I come
33:00 home, I need to feel seen.
33:06 Curiosity. Number two, consideration. Hey, don't worship me. Consider me. I'm not
33:16 asking you to put me in God's place. Put me in my place, though. Don't put me in
33:21 God's place, but don't put me in another place I don't belong.
33:26 Consider me. It means that you consider the implications of your actions or in
33:33 action. That if I ask you for something and you refuse to keep giving it to me,
33:38 are you considering what life is like for me without that? If I say when you
33:45 do that, it impacts me that way. Are you considering me? Don't worship me. Don't
33:54 put me in God's place, but after God, it should be me if we married. I just want
34:05 my right place. Number three, chasing. You're chasing their heart in constant
34:17 pursuit of it. It's what Jimmy Evans calls the law of pursuit. Leaving and
34:28 cleaving. Cleaving is pursuit. It's glue. I'm gonna forever chase your heart.
34:38 Because if you do that, you get a version of them that blesses you. Come on, man.
34:46 Husbands, Ephesians 5, if you will let God use you to make your wife better, to
34:51 sanctify her. The Bible says it's analogous to Christ in the church. He
34:55 presents to himself a glorious church without spot or wrinkle. You benefit from
34:59 the version of the woman you with. So if you help her become that version, you
35:04 benefit from that. Don't do all that work unless somebody else. You did all the
35:14 work, then they get the upgraded version. The devil is a liar, period.
35:23 And number four, commitment. We underestimate the power of consistency
35:33 in a relationship. Are you committed to be consistent? Because my security is
35:37 based on your predictability. If you hot one day, cold another, I'm not gonna feel...
35:42 It's not even safe for me to feel secure. Are you committed to consistency because
35:50 you have an adherence to certain principles?
35:54 Because I don't know what I'm gonna get at work. I don't know what I'm gonna get
35:59 at the gym. I don't know what I'm gonna get, but I need to know what I'm gonna get when I come home.
36:08 This is the one place I don't want to have to wonder.
36:17 And God is glorified through relationships like that. And the only
36:25 reason you make these shifts that we've talked about in this series is because
36:28 your passion and your heart is to glorify God through that relationship.
36:34 Because it's a simple principle, but it's hard work. It's hard work and it's hard to
36:40 work. And if your only motivation is having a great relationship, you're still
36:44 not gonna do this work. But if you want to have one that people look at and it
36:49 glorifies God. Say, "God is using my relationship to reignite hope in people
36:56 regarding relationships." That's what I want my marriage to be. Lord, would you use this
37:02 to reignite hope into people about the possibility of this? Be glorified. Get
37:11 glory out of this.
37:16 In Jesus' name. You receive that? Clap your hands everybody.
37:25 (applause)
37:27 [APPLAUSE]