Modern Relationships with Sadia Khan_ Cultural Differences, Finances, Red & Green flags

Name: Modern Relationships with Sadia Khan_ Cultural Differences, Finances, Red & Green flags
Uploaded: 2023-12-08T10:42:43+00:00
Duration: 1 h 2 min 47 s
Channel: Khaleej Times

Khaleej Times

last year

In this candid interview, Yasmine Mustafa sits with psychologist and relationship therapist Sadia Khan to discuss the hurdles of modern dating, Dubai relationships, gender roles, and how to stay happy in a marriage. She shares insights on how to spot red flags and how to deal with them before they become insurmountable problems. We also cover finances, communication, and the dos and don'ts of dating in a Western context.

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00:00:00 Do you think it's natural to continue being attracted to the same person?

00:00:02 How you would stay attracted to each other is you stay curious about each other.

00:00:06 As your life is evolving and changing,

00:00:08 what happens is you should be learning new things about your partner

00:00:11 as your journey is going on.

00:00:12 The person they are today is going to be different to the person they were

00:00:15 10 years ago and 5 years ago.

00:00:17 So the novelty can still exist if you take an interest in the person that they're becoming.

00:00:21 It's like if you could only eat one meal,

00:00:23 - Yeah. - you want it to at least be a nice meal.

00:00:26 Hi guys, Yasmin here from Khaleesh Times.

00:00:29 And welcome to another episode of UAE Trailblazers.

00:00:32 Today, we have a very special guest.

00:00:35 You may recognize her because she has been going viral on Instagram

00:00:40 and other social media platforms for her talk on dating,

00:00:44 marriage, gender roles and gender dynamics.

00:00:47 Today, we have Saadia Khan, who is a psychologist and a relationship expert

00:00:53 who's going to tell us how to build a healthy relationship

00:00:57 and how to navigate the crazy world of modern dating.

00:01:01 Saadia, welcome to the show.

00:01:03 Yasmin, thank you for having me.

00:01:05 It's lovely to meet you.

00:01:06 Lovely to meet you too.

00:01:07 Thank you so much.

00:01:08 So let's get right into it.

00:01:11 We're going to dive deep.

00:01:13 What do you think men should know about women

00:01:17 and women should know about men in order to ensure a healthy relationship,

00:01:24 not just one that withstands the test of time,

00:01:28 but also one that blossoms and thrives?

00:01:30 I think what both genders need to know about one another is that their childhood

00:01:34 creates a template of how they like to give and receive love

00:01:37 and how they like to resolve conflict and how they like to apologize.

00:01:42 These are the three things, like how they like to see love,

00:01:44 how they like to apologize and how they resolve conflict.

00:01:47 Now, that childhood template means that no matter how much you push or pull

00:01:52 until you understand their triggers,

00:01:54 your relationship can always feel a little bit like a roller coaster.

00:01:58 But when you take the time to understand that they may have pre-existing triggers

00:02:02 due to some experiences in their childhood or some experiences with their parents

00:02:06 that makes them hypersensitive to abandonment or might make them

00:02:10 hypersensitive to silent treatment, they don't enjoy it,

00:02:12 or makes them yell more than they should.

00:02:14 You'll realize that their behavior is not entirely personal.

00:02:18 It's not because of you.

00:02:19 It might be because of something they're struggling with.

00:02:21 And then you'll be able to look at your partner in a more compassionate

00:02:24 and understanding manner and resolve conflict and then have a more enduring,

00:02:27 long lasting relationship.

00:02:29 But without that perspective, unfortunately, every fight feels like

00:02:33 a thunderstorm and every resolution feels like pulling teeth

00:02:37 when it could be a lot easier if you speak the language

00:02:40 that they understood when they were children.

00:02:42 Wow. So does that mean that we should be asking each other

00:02:44 what each other's traumas are on the first date?

00:02:47 How do we navigate this?

00:02:49 We should be asking ourselves what our traumas are.

00:02:51 That's a better way to do it.

00:02:52 Is if you ask yourself, what is it?

00:02:54 How do I like to...

00:02:56 How much separation can I handle with my partner?

00:02:58 Do I like to be really separate or do I like more closeness?

00:03:00 How do I resolve conflict?

00:03:02 Do I prefer to just leave the fight and have some time out

00:03:05 or do I need to fix it right there and then?

00:03:08 Do I yell and get personal?

00:03:10 Do I say mean things or am I somebody that holds everything in

00:03:13 and then eventually explodes?

00:03:14 What do I do?

00:03:15 And then how can I give my partner almost a psychological manual

00:03:19 on what they can do to make our relationship a lot smoother?

00:03:22 And you meet them in that same place.

00:03:24 I know it sounds really boring and really clinical.

00:03:27 But if you do do that, it does make life a lot easier for you.

00:03:31 So when should you then express those traumas?

00:03:35 If you know them yourself and you've done the work,

00:03:37 when is a good time to be like, listen, I'm really sensitive to,

00:03:41 you know, you not texting for like five hours.

00:03:43 Yeah, I'm really sensitive to you going out with your female friends

00:03:46 or your male friends.

00:03:47 When does that conversation, when should that conversation come up?

00:03:50 When your self-esteem is high enough.

00:03:52 Yeah, the moment your self-esteem is high enough,

00:03:54 what it will do is allow you to express yourself in a manner

00:03:57 that tells people what you prefer and what you don't want.

00:04:00 And they are most welcome to meet your needs.

00:04:03 But if they're not, we don't have to yell, scream, force anybody.

00:04:06 But the moment you have that level of self-esteem where it's not about

00:04:10 holding on to this person, I don't care if I put this person off

00:04:12 or like make them hate me or they get off me.

00:04:15 It's more I want a healthy relationship.

00:04:17 And I can only do it by expressing this.

00:04:20 Now, if I live in fear that I'm going to put them off,

00:04:22 my self-esteem is not high enough to create a constructive relationship anyway.

00:04:26 Right. It's going to end at some point anyway.

00:04:28 Because, yeah. Yeah.

00:04:29 Because you're not confident that the true you will match the true him.

00:04:33 So if you have a level of self-esteem where it's like,

00:04:36 I'm not trying to impress you.

00:04:38 I just want a healthy relationship.

00:04:39 In order for that to happen, you just have to be aware of this.

00:04:42 And I'm happy to meet your needs.

00:04:43 If you live tiptoeing around that, your self-esteem is probably not high enough

00:04:46 to be in a strong relationship anyway.

00:04:49 And in that case, also, basically when you express what you need,

00:04:52 there's a risk of someone not accepting it. Right.

00:04:55 So there's a risk of like, I'm sorry, if you don't accept it,

00:04:57 I'm going to have to leave. Yeah.

00:04:58 And the thing is, it's not that they have it's a deal breaker.

00:05:01 It's not that you say you have to do this.

00:05:03 It's just that this is what I what I need because of this.

00:05:06 It's not personal. This is what I need.

00:05:08 And what some people do is they think that boundaries means

00:05:11 pushing people out and, you know, blocking people off the first conversation.

00:05:15 I told him I like this.

00:05:16 He said, you know, and now I'm done with him and I'm so strong.

00:05:18 That's all really boundaries is explaining to people

00:05:22 how you like to be loved and how you like to be treated,

00:05:24 explaining how you potentially can love and treat people

00:05:26 and seeing if it's compatible.

00:05:28 But it's not setting ultimatums. Yeah.

00:05:31 It's more of a case of it should be drawing people into you

00:05:34 and creating intimacy, not pushing people away.

00:05:37 100 percent. That's great.

00:05:39 So let's get into dating first.

00:05:41 And then we'll do long term relationships afterwards.

00:05:43 So dating. Yeah.

00:05:46 There has been a study, I think there was a study in twenty twenty two

00:05:50 talking about how there is going to be four hundred and forty one

00:05:54 million active users of match

00:05:58 online matchmaking and online dating. OK.

00:06:01 What do you think?

00:06:03 Do you I mean, a lot of people complain about online dating and online

00:06:06 matchmaking. However, it's growing.

00:06:09 People are online.

00:06:10 What do you think?

00:06:11 Is there anything wrong with online dating or what makes it difficult

00:06:14 to meet people online? Why are people complaining about it?

00:06:17 However, it's still growing. Right.

00:06:19 Well, here's the problem with online dating and with any kind of dating

00:06:23 is the level of commitment you have towards your partner

00:06:26 will depend on how much you invest in alternatives,

00:06:28 not actually how great your partner is.

00:06:31 So what I mean by this is if I make a decision to love and

00:06:34 just be with my husband and avoid alternatives

00:06:39 and focus on that person, then that commitment can become something.

00:06:43 But without that mindset, it will always be diluted.

00:06:46 The connection will always be diluted.

00:06:48 Now, the problem with online dating is it makes you focus on alternatives.

00:06:53 So couples that break up or couples that end up cheating are couples

00:06:57 that will always imagine what life with an alternative would be like.

00:07:01 So they'd be like, I wish I was with a man who is more mature.

00:07:03 Or a man would say, I wish I was with a girl who is younger or something.

00:07:06 They're constantly imagining the alternatives.

00:07:08 Now, those couples are more at risk of breaking up.

00:07:10 Online dating pushes that mentality far more.

00:07:14 Right. So that's why I don't I don't see an alternative, to be honest.

00:07:17 When clients always come to me and ask me, like, how do I meet someone?

00:07:20 I wish I knew. I really wish I knew.

00:07:23 And I really think I should start like some kind of matchmaking.

00:07:26 I think I should start a community.

00:07:27 I wish I had more time because I'd be great because I'd know your background

00:07:31 and all this stuff.

00:07:31 And I'd be pretty. But unfortunately, I only have two hands.

00:07:34 But if I did, I know I always say it's not online dating.

00:07:38 That's the problem. It's your mindset.

00:07:40 Are you continuously aware of alternatives or do you try and be sequential?

00:07:46 Focus on that one person, then understand if they're compatible, understand that.

00:07:50 And don't mind taking off alternatives for a little while.

00:07:52 Yeah. And then you discover the outcome faster.

00:07:54 If they're right for you, you figure that out straight away.

00:07:56 If they're wrong for you, you figure that straight away.

00:07:58 But by diluting it and seeing three, four, five different people all the time

00:08:02 or going straight back on the app, you don't know who is the compatible partner.

00:08:06 And that's what I think is a problem with alternatives.

00:08:08 And I think it becomes a game because also there's an addictive

00:08:11 like kind of aspect to it because there's the swiping and there's the chatting

00:08:15 and there's the online kind of dopamine hit and all of that kind of stuff

00:08:19 for online dating. I don't think it makes a healthy.

00:08:21 Some people I mean, I have friends who have been online dating for a long time,

00:08:25 and I feel like they're addicted to the actual act of having the app.

00:08:29 They get addicted to novelty. Right.

00:08:31 Yeah. So what I mean by that is they get into the habit of the beginning

00:08:35 stages of relationships and forget the habits of the long term parts of relationships.

00:08:38 And the beginning stages is dressing up, going on a date,

00:08:41 knowing what to talk about, you know, putting on your best face.

00:08:44 The long term parts are like, you know, just maybe sitting at home,

00:08:48 getting to spending time with his parents, your parents, the boring stuff.

00:08:51 Yeah. And so what happens is there is an addiction to novelty

00:08:55 and an addiction to the beginning stages of relationship

00:08:57 and a repelling kind of response to the maintenance stage of relationships.

00:09:02 And that's the problem with online dating.

00:09:04 And by the way, I'm not saying this as a negative.

00:09:05 I don't want to one day come up with an app and be like,

00:09:07 "Oh, by the way, join my app guys, it's better."

00:09:10 But it's not that I'm against it.

00:09:13 It's I'm against the mindset and the culture it creates.

00:09:15 Yeah, 100 percent.

00:09:16 All right. So let's get into the actual dating part.

00:09:19 So say a man and a woman are going on a date.

00:09:23 What are some red flags that a man should look for?

00:09:28 And some red flags that a woman should look for?

00:09:31 Because that has been talked about so much online and it's very confusing.

00:09:34 I would genuinely say that if when you're in the beginning stages,

00:09:38 have a look at what their patterns are.

00:09:40 People always focus on like, you know,

00:09:43 their competition in terms of other people.

00:09:46 OK, your competition is their patterns, their childhood,

00:09:49 their previous experience before you.

00:09:51 Now, if they say to you, "Every ex was so, so traumatic."

00:09:54 Chances are like every ex is terrible, every ex is bad, every ex was this.

00:09:59 Let's say, for example, I say every ex cheated on me.

00:10:01 What you're getting is an idea that I'm naive.

00:10:04 There's a part of me that ignores red flags, goes in blindly

00:10:06 and doesn't spot it and then, you know, gets hurt.

00:10:08 Or if I say to you, every man says every woman has used me in this way or that way.

00:10:13 Then you get into the part, they're not good at selection.

00:10:16 So what happens is if they come to you with a long list of all

00:10:20 their traumatic experiences, although that might happen,

00:10:22 I'm not saying don't stay away from people who've been through that.

00:10:24 I'm just saying stay away from people who don't reflect

00:10:27 that they're the common denominator.

00:10:29 So how then, how should you approach somebody and ask them what their patterns are?

00:10:32 Should you just outright ask them?

00:10:34 I would say, what is a common reason that your relationships end?

00:10:38 Or what is a complaint that most partners have had about you?

00:10:41 And so what they might say is, well, they always say I'm too busy with work

00:10:45 or they might say that I, they always say that I, you know, I'm a bit too clingy.

00:10:49 And so when they see there's a consistency, you're kind of encouraging them

00:10:53 to reflect on what they could, what they bring to the relationship.

00:10:56 And then that's something that they need to work on.

00:10:58 And I make relationship sound like really heavy work.

00:11:02 Yeah, it's not really serious business guys.

00:11:04 It's actually really lovely once you understand all those things.

00:11:06 And you feel like, because then what happens is when you realize it's a pattern,

00:11:09 you no longer blame the person in front of you.

00:11:12 You recognize that there is something in your selection process

00:11:15 or your maintenance process that's causing this.

00:11:17 And you can take more accountability.

00:11:19 Wow. OK, so there's a lot of self-reflection before actually going on these dates.

00:11:24 I mean, you should really know yourself before entering the dating market anyway.

00:11:27 Yeah, of course.

00:11:28 So when dating in the long run, people say that you shouldn't settle.

00:11:32 Right. OK. Is there a time that you should settle?

00:11:36 Always. Every day.

00:11:38 This is a problem I see with a lot of people who are single for a very long time

00:11:43 and they say they don't want to settle.

00:11:46 What I say to them is, look, there's a difference between settling

00:11:49 and having an accurate perception of your level.

00:11:51 And people get a little bit offended by this.

00:11:53 So, for example, I might meet like an older man

00:11:57 and he really, really wants a young, young girl, really, really wants that.

00:11:59 And I just said, look, it's not settling.

00:12:02 And he's like, I don't want to be with a woman around my age or whatever it is.

00:12:05 And I'm like, but it's not settling if that's the pool of women

00:12:09 that are interested in you.

00:12:10 If you have to beg someone to be with you, that means you're requiring them to settle.

00:12:15 But if you have an accurate perception, what people think settling is,

00:12:18 is going for someone below them.

00:12:20 But really, sometimes that might be your real level.

00:12:23 Sometimes we have an inflated perception of what we want, but not what we can access.

00:12:27 What you can, what a true reflection is, is have a look at the pool

00:12:30 of the people that show you investment.

00:12:33 And this has been really, really affected by short term dating and hookup culture.

00:12:38 What happens is the men and women that we might hook up with

00:12:41 are completely different to the men and women that we invest in.

00:12:44 The problem is men and women get used to who they've been hooking up with

00:12:47 and thinking, I don't want to set off with that guy.

00:12:49 I've been with a guy that's had a Lamborghini before.

00:12:51 I don't want to be with this girl.

00:12:53 I've been with a girl that's been... I'm like, but how have they treated you?

00:12:55 Think about the people that invest in you.

00:12:58 Think about the people who give you love and attention.

00:13:00 That's your accurate pool of selection.

00:13:02 The people that you've hooked up with here and then, gone on a date with here

00:13:05 and then, if that's inflating what you want in a partner,

00:13:07 that's not an accurate perception of reality.

00:13:09 So it's only settling if you've had a lot better in the past

00:13:14 and they've genuinely been dedicated and invested in you.

00:13:17 But if you haven't had that before and it's just something in your imagination,

00:13:21 is it really settling or you have an inflated version of what you expect?

00:13:25 Of what you expect and also of maybe what you are?

00:13:27 What you are?

00:13:28 And I don't mean to sound mean.

00:13:30 Yeah, that sounds mean, but hey.

00:13:31 It sounds super mean, but if you're having...

00:13:33 Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I had a...

00:13:35 For example, I might have somebody, and this is no offence to anything,

00:13:38 but this is how the reality of life.

00:13:40 If a man is a lot shorter than the average woman

00:13:43 or if a woman is a lot bigger than the average man,

00:13:45 if they're saying, "I want this high value thing," is a real big issue.

00:13:49 It is.

00:13:49 "I want a high value woman and stuff."

00:13:51 And I said, "But look, if you are really, really, really

00:13:54 not doing so well financially and/or let's say, for example, you're not so tall,

00:13:57 unfortunately, these things is going to limit your pull.

00:14:01 Focus on your pull rather than trying to get money to get somebody higher

00:14:05 or using, as women sometimes, they might use sex to get somebody above their station.

00:14:09 Stick to your station.

00:14:10 Focus on that and focus on the good things of the people that are invested in you

00:14:16 rather than the bad things in the people that are invested in you.

00:14:18 Oh, that's good.

00:14:19 Yeah, that's really good because people have been taking a kind of negative

00:14:22 turn with this and just looking about what's missing.

00:14:24 Most people that are single, there's so many people that are loved,

00:14:27 like really like them and invested in them.

00:14:29 But they just neglect those people and exaggerate the nice things

00:14:34 and the people they like.

00:14:35 Yeah.

00:14:35 But really focus, try and look at the good qualities

00:14:38 and the people that are already showing you love and affection.

00:14:40 So interesting.

00:14:41 Yeah.

00:14:41 Okay.

00:14:42 Let's talk a little bit about how gold diggers or money.

00:14:47 Okay.

00:14:47 My favorite human beings, by the way, I seem to talk about them all the time.

00:14:51 I think I would shout out to gold diggers.

00:14:52 I think I'm just jealous.

00:14:54 I think it's a part of me that goes to work.

00:14:56 But yes, go ahead.

00:15:00 So okay, we're going to talk about gold diggers.

00:15:02 But also, for example, a lot of men complain that women here may be in Dubai,

00:15:07 UAE, etc, GCC are looking for their pocket, looking for their cash.

00:15:13 However, at the same time, a woman who's serious and who wants to like

00:15:18 ensure a long term relationship is looking for somebody who can provide for her.

00:15:21 Right.

00:15:22 So this is a kind of an important conversation to have.

00:15:27 Right.

00:15:27 How does one navigate as a female, navigate this conversation?

00:15:32 You know, especially when you're first dating somebody without looking like a gold digger.

00:15:37 Okay.

00:15:38 And what can you, what advice can you give them?

00:15:40 Okay, no, it's a very tricky fine line, by the way, because there's some men that live like in fear of gold diggers.

00:15:46 Yeah.

00:15:47 And, and, and there's women that are like, I'm not a gold digger, but I'm also not going to date a bum.

00:15:53 Yeah.

00:15:53 And that's not unfair of her in any way.

00:15:55 So here's, here's how you kind of navigate that.

00:15:58 The gold digger woman is a woman that actually brings nothing to the table and is looking for a man to save her entire life.

00:16:06 That might include even paying her parents bills.

00:16:09 That might include covering her every single part.

00:16:11 A woman who's a good woman and is looking for somebody on the same intellectual and financial level as her is somebody that doesn't want you to save her in any way, shape or form.

00:16:20 But she would like somebody on the same or above what she's used to in her life and what she's created in her life.

00:16:27 Now, if in her life, she's got a good education, good career, comes from a good family, she is incompatible with somebody who's not on the same level.

00:16:36 She would be incompatible with a man who hasn't got a job or isn't going to provide for her because she's been able to do it.

00:16:41 Right.

00:16:42 If you take somebody who's never achieved anything, has been at home all day, every day, never got an education, hasn't really got any family values, but then is looking for someone to save her because in that sense, she's traditional.

00:16:52 Yeah, that's your gold digger.

00:16:54 So the gold digger is not that successful woman who's, or she doesn't have to be major successful, but just a traditional woman who wants to start a family and want someone she can rely on.

00:17:02 That's not a gold digger.

00:17:03 Yeah.

00:17:03 That's just somebody who wants a good start, a good life.

00:17:06 The gold digger is somebody who wants you to save her from the misery of her own life or the burdens of her own life.

00:17:12 So you as a man should be able to make that distinction.

00:17:16 And you as a woman should know you're not a gold digger when you're asking for that.

00:17:20 So don't be scared to say it.

00:17:21 Don't be scared to say it.

00:17:22 Don't be scared to say it.

00:17:23 Be like, this is what I expect.

00:17:24 This is what I'm used to.

00:17:25 This is what I've built for myself.

00:17:27 And more so than anything, this is what I bring to the table myself.

00:17:30 Yeah.

00:17:31 The gold digger will probably be used to it because she's managed to do it with other men, but she doesn't bring anything outside of physical relationships.

00:17:38 Yeah.

00:17:39 She doesn't bring anything outside of her physicality.

00:17:41 The problem is, the men go for the girl that's just being physical with them, get screwed over a thousand times and be like, when it's an old man with a young...

00:17:48 Of course that is the vibe.

00:17:50 You just got to be more intelligent with it.

00:17:52 Be more intellectually intelligent with it.

00:17:53 When a woman is coming to you because she, all women want a good life.

00:17:58 All of them.

00:17:59 Every single one.

00:18:00 But there's some women that can be bought and some women who can't be bought.

00:18:03 The woman who can't be bought is one that is able to achieve those things on her own, but is now ready to do as a family.

00:18:09 100%.

00:18:10 And I think what you said was so true.

00:18:12 When you know where you're coming from in terms of intention, you know, I'm not a gold digger, but one, two, three.

00:18:19 Yeah.

00:18:20 Or for the man even like, like I'm not looking to be just like a bank account and that's it.

00:18:24 You know, I think both have to really know, know thyself.

00:18:29 The only men that tend to be afraid of that are the ones that keep falling for the gold diggers.

00:18:33 Yes.

00:18:33 And keep having that because why?

00:18:35 Because they are too focused on physical beauty and physical relations.

00:18:41 So they keep getting ruined from it and then labelling all women as that.

00:18:46 But yeah.

00:18:47 Do you think it's also like they like to be needed in that way?

00:18:50 The thing is when they have a woman that's broken, a part of them feels fulfilled and feels like, okay, I know that the only way to keep her is I can fix her life.

00:18:58 And one who's already fixed is like, how do I get her to depend on me?

00:19:01 So there's a part of them that their self-esteem grows from fixing her life.

00:19:05 But you've got to remember those people who use you to be fixed are not actually attracted to the person who gives them everything.

00:19:12 We like to know that the person, we earn what we get.

00:19:15 Yep.

00:19:16 When a man just gives it to you frivolously or has to save you from every problem, you start to see him as a bit stupid because you can manipulate him too easily.

00:19:25 And then you lose respect.

00:19:25 You lose respect.

00:19:26 We can't love a man we can manipulate.

00:19:29 Wow.

00:19:29 That's super interesting.

00:19:30 Okay.

00:19:31 So let's talk a little bit about when you're first dating, men tend to accept a lot of things.

00:19:38 Okay.

00:19:39 They accept the way you dress.

00:19:40 They accept the way you talk.

00:19:41 They accept the way you socialize.

00:19:43 Oh, she's so social.

00:19:44 She loves talking to everybody.

00:19:45 Yeah.

00:19:46 But then somewhere down the line, it stops.

00:19:48 Yeah, it stops.

00:19:49 It starts being like, why are you wearing that?

00:19:51 And why are you talking to him?

00:19:52 Like, or why are you doing this?

00:19:54 Etc, etc.

00:19:55 So why does that happen?

00:19:57 I mean, I don't understand.

00:19:58 I feel like I get a lot of questions from my friends.

00:20:02 We all talk about this kind of thing.

00:20:04 And I don't want it to be just from a female perspective.

00:20:05 I also want the males to understand themselves.

00:20:07 Yeah.

00:20:08 And by the way, it happens in both ways.

00:20:10 A lot of times women are really attracted to the funny guy who's so handsome.

00:20:14 And then afterwards, they're like, why are you so handsome?

00:20:16 Yeah.

00:20:16 What's wrong with you?

00:20:17 Like, get rid of your muscles.

00:20:18 Why are you so funny?

00:20:19 Yeah.

00:20:19 So who's laughing?

00:20:20 You clown.

00:20:20 Like, you know, you get like that.

00:20:22 So we all do it.

00:20:23 Yeah.

00:20:23 The reason being is in the beginning stages, we're not in love.

00:20:26 So we're not vulnerable.

00:20:27 And therefore our insecurities are not, are hidden.

00:20:30 So in the beginning stages of most relationships, we bring the part of

00:20:34 ourselves that we can bring to friends and to colleagues, which is a part of

00:20:39 us that is confident, it's not vulnerable, and it's not afraid of being hurt.

00:20:42 With my friends, I'm sure with your friends, there's a completely different

00:20:45 mentality.

00:20:46 You don't care if they go out late, get drunk, come back.

00:20:48 You don't have a problem with that because they're not tapping into your

00:20:50 insecurities because you're not totally vulnerable and they can't hurt you the

00:20:53 same way.

00:20:54 The moment feelings develop, what happens is we start to lose control of our

00:20:58 feelings.

00:20:59 We start to become more vulnerable.

00:21:00 We start risk being hurt and therefore we start to become more controlling.

00:21:05 So really what we might have tapped into is a part of them that is now attaching

00:21:11 and now afraid that they're going to lose you because it may have been some

00:21:14 preexisting trauma.

00:21:15 And therefore we always try and control when we are afraid.

00:21:18 Yes.

00:21:20 And this is men and women, by the way.

00:21:21 Yeah, yeah.

00:21:22 We all do it.

00:21:22 I mean, look, I'm asking the questions like from a female perspective,

00:21:25 obviously, but all of us.

00:21:27 Yeah.

00:21:27 And we all have those vulnerabilities.

00:21:29 We all have that.

00:21:30 So in the beginning, the way you dress, how you social, where you go out,

00:21:33 feeling so attractive.

00:21:34 But the moment it's like, okay, I could get hurt by this behavior.

00:21:37 Yeah.

00:21:38 I could, she could leave me because of this behavior.

00:21:40 I could get abandoned.

00:21:40 Then it becomes where are you going?

00:21:42 What time are you coming?

00:21:43 So on and so forth.

00:21:44 Oh, yeah.

00:21:45 So interesting.

00:21:46 And that's how our own trauma.

00:21:48 So it's actually a signal of love.

00:21:48 I know that's so weird, but it's a signal of love that has not been well

00:21:52 established as a child and has not been combined with low self-esteem.

00:21:57 Okay.

00:21:57 Yeah.

00:21:57 So it's love, but it's kind of...

00:21:59 Like this, what is it called?

00:22:01 Distorted.

00:22:02 Distorted.

00:22:03 A little bit distorted.

00:22:04 Okay.

00:22:04 Got it.

00:22:05 Okay.

00:22:05 So let's talk about relationships.

00:22:07 So we've talked about red flags, but what about some green flags in happy

00:22:11 couples?

00:22:12 What are some, what are they doing right?

00:22:14 Yes.

00:22:15 In order to, you know, there's relationships that have been going on for

00:22:17 20, 30 years, you know, families who have generations of love and kids and

00:22:22 everything.

00:22:23 Amazing.

00:22:24 I really like this question by the way, because I'm always getting told like,

00:22:26 what's the problem?

00:22:27 And then it's like, oh, like it's so negative.

00:22:29 But here's what people are doing right.

00:22:31 Firstly, they do have a headstart from their childhood.

00:22:33 They naturally have a headstart.

00:22:35 And what I mean by that is they came from an environment that genuinely,

00:22:39 where they learned to trust people early.

00:22:41 There was some exposure to parents and caregivers that led them to believe

00:22:45 that they're worthy of love and they can trust people with love.

00:22:48 And so they come with that template.

00:22:50 The second thing I would say is they have a mentality that accepts monotony.

00:22:54 And what I mean by that is they don't expect long lasting love to look like

00:23:00 new novel attraction.

00:23:02 They can make that really big distinction.

00:23:04 They know that that novel excitement from early stages of attraction is

00:23:08 different to long lasting committed love.

00:23:10 So when they go, when they make that transition, they just see it as the next

00:23:14 step of their journey and they're willing to make that progress.

00:23:18 Whereas other people get so addicted to the novel attraction or they believe

00:23:22 that's the only way to express love.

00:23:23 Now, as they go into the more smooth stage, they get uncomfortable and they

00:23:28 feel unloved by that stage and therefore they seek new relationships.

00:23:32 Yeah.

00:23:33 Yeah.

00:23:33 So they're really appropriate.

00:23:35 They really understand novelty, like that novelty is an essential.

00:23:38 But the main thing is that they do is they're attuned and aligned to their

00:23:42 partner. And what I mean by this is they're very curious about their partners

00:23:46 of human being and they develop intimacy like that.

00:23:50 So they want to know their partner's family.

00:23:52 They want to know their background.

00:23:53 They want to know how their day went.

00:23:54 They take an invested interest in their partner.

00:23:57 And through that connection, what happens is they start to believe that the

00:24:02 relationship has its own identity.

00:24:04 So anything that damages their partner, damages the relationships, it damages

00:24:08 them.

00:24:09 Okay.

00:24:09 They see it connected.

00:24:10 It's very interconnected.

00:24:11 Yeah.

00:24:11 Very inter...

00:24:12 They don't want to hurt their partner because that hurts the relationship and

00:24:14 therefore that hurts me.

00:24:15 Yeah.

00:24:16 Whereas other partners remain individuals.

00:24:19 Too independent.

00:24:20 Too independent people who are either at competition with each other.

00:24:23 They dislike each other.

00:24:24 They're trying to win against each other.

00:24:25 They don't see hurting the other person as a form of hurting themselves.

00:24:29 I love that.

00:24:29 Yeah.

00:24:30 So they're not interconnected and they're not attuned to each other's

00:24:32 emotions.

00:24:33 Whereas couples at last, they don't want to hurt their partner.

00:24:37 And hurting their partner is actually hurting them because it affects the

00:24:41 relationship.

00:24:41 Yeah.

00:24:41 And making their partner feel good is a form of making themselves feel good.

00:24:45 Right.

00:24:45 So selfishly loving that partner becomes a selfish act because I know that loving

00:24:49 them, giving them a massage or giving them some food, it makes me happy.

00:24:53 They take joy in their partners.

00:24:55 So they do these very simple things where they stay connected as much as

00:24:59 possible and they try and replace criticisms with praise.

00:25:03 What I mean by that is if my million things, your husband is going to annoy

00:25:07 you in a million ways.

00:25:07 Yeah.

00:25:08 But if you focus on the things that you like about them and the things that you

00:25:11 don't like about them, you attribute it to perhaps stress or perhaps their

00:25:15 childhood or you make external explanations.

00:25:19 People that fall apart, they think every problem their partner has is permanent

00:25:24 and it's overall, "Oh, you're just selfish."

00:25:26 "Oh, you're just this."

00:25:27 It's like a label.

00:25:28 It's a label.

00:25:28 Yeah.

00:25:29 So they exaggerate the negative.

00:25:31 So the ones that have happy relationships, they just follow simple things and it

00:25:36 keeps their relationship alive.

00:25:37 They don't do anything special.

00:25:38 They don't go on holidays every day.

00:25:40 I was going to say.

00:25:41 I love the part that you said about the boring, the monotonous, because people

00:25:44 don't, I mean, they're scared of it.

00:25:47 They're scared when the relationship gets a little bit comfortable.

00:25:50 Yeah.

00:25:50 They get scared of it because they're thinking either...

00:25:53 Someone's doing something.

00:25:54 Yeah, it's too easy.

00:25:56 It's too easy.

00:25:56 But they genuinely understand that life isn't going to be, you know, yacht

00:26:02 parties and, you know, going to Miami.

00:26:04 But that's not what life is.

00:26:06 They realize that life is responsibility, life is connection, and life is simplicity.

00:26:11 And because of that, they rather retain the relationship than take the risk of nuance.

00:26:16 Amazing.

00:26:16 And I like the, you know how you're talking about the praise versus the

00:26:20 criticism, I think also when you criticize, I feel like it's important to say, like,

00:26:26 for example, you were being selfish in that moment, not saying to someone, "You

00:26:31 are selfish."

00:26:31 Yeah.

00:26:32 You don't make a generalized statement.

00:26:33 More so than anything, you turn your criticism into an instruction.

00:26:36 If you say you're being self...

00:26:37 Like, let's say, for example, they don't clean up after themselves.

00:26:40 Instead of saying, "You're so selfish and lazy," you can say, "I would really

00:26:43 appreciate if you just clean up after yourself.

00:26:45 I've only got two hands."

00:26:46 You turn every criticism, because there's an instruction, there's a need behind

00:26:49 every criticism, explain the criticism and they have something to work with.

00:26:52 They might ignore it, but at least you've given them the instruction and then you

00:26:56 can measure whether or not they're trying to connect with you.

00:26:59 Yeah.

00:26:59 But if you don't give them the instruction, just give them terrible labels, they

00:27:02 forget to work with.

00:27:03 Yeah.

00:27:04 That's true.

00:27:04 Well, at least you give a solution.

00:27:06 Give a solution.

00:27:06 And then you measure it later.

00:27:07 So another study said that around 41% of divorced Gen Xers and 29% of divorced

00:27:17 boomers attributed their divorces to financial issues, financial disagreements.

00:27:22 How does one avoid or prevent financial disagreements in relationships?

00:27:28 Because that could really tip the balance, the power scale in a relationship.

00:27:32 Find out what finances means to them.

00:27:35 Yeah.

00:27:35 Now, what I mean by this is look at where some people have trauma related to

00:27:40 finances.

00:27:41 I don't know.

00:27:41 Some people grew up in a single parent home where they saw that they're getting

00:27:46 evicted every time finances weren't due.

00:27:48 So when finances are weaker, they see it as the end of the world, the end of the

00:27:52 relationship.

00:27:53 Other people grew up where they grew up with parents that were okay with like

00:27:56 whatever you want to spend.

00:27:57 So they never saw it as a selfish act to overspend.

00:28:01 They just saw that as a form of love and expression and generosity and so on and so

00:28:04 forth.

00:28:05 So find out what finances means to them and then find out how much are they

00:28:09 valuing finances above other areas of the relationship.

00:28:12 What I mean by this is there's going to, if you're going to be with someone for 50

00:28:16 years, there's going to be times where finances are good, finances are bad,

00:28:19 finances are stable, whatever it is.

00:28:21 Now, is this person, is the finances the main glue of the relationship?

00:28:26 And now the finances might not be the issue.

00:28:28 It might be the fact that because of finances, now we can't afford childcare or

00:28:32 now the kids are going into bad schools and now I'm overburdened.

00:28:35 So think about the consequences of the finances and see if you can, you know,

00:28:39 reel those in, but really figure out what is it about the finances is causing

00:28:43 problems.

00:28:43 Now, if you have a partner that is upset about finances because they can't enjoy

00:28:48 extra luxuries, then the partner and you may not have been compatible to begin

00:28:52 with.

00:28:53 But if they're upset because the finances is now meaning that they're overwhelmed,

00:28:57 they can't look after themselves, you can't have a sex life anymore because

00:28:59 you're so drained with work.

00:29:00 It's because the finances is spilling over into other areas of the relationship.

00:29:05 So before you label it as, "Oh, the finances went wrong and so we broke up,"

00:29:09 figure out was it actually the finances itself or was it spilling over into other

00:29:13 areas of the relationship and how can you manage those other areas so the finances

00:29:17 stays within finances and doesn't spill over to other areas of the connection?

00:29:21 Okay, so basically it means that what is your relationship to finances and how are

00:29:26 you expressing it in this relationship?

00:29:27 Exactly.

00:29:27 Right.

00:29:28 Great.

00:29:29 There's a saying that people say, which is like, for a female, it's like, "My

00:29:35 money is my money."

00:29:36 And sorry, "Your money is our money."

00:29:39 "My money is my money."

00:29:40 "Honey."

00:29:41 What do you think of that statement?

00:29:44 I look, I see nothing.

00:29:46 I'm Muslim.

00:29:46 So we were raised to believe that.

00:29:48 Yeah.

00:29:49 So it's very much like, you know, the woman's money is her money and his money

00:29:52 is her, but here's what I think is a problem with that mentality.

00:29:55 It totally makes sense.

00:29:57 But at the same time, we have to then compensate through other areas.

00:30:02 It's not a one-way street.

00:30:04 It shouldn't be unilateral.

00:30:05 That money is all mine and you did nothing.

00:30:07 Now, the main problem I find in Dubai, the main problem I have amongst clients in

00:30:12 Dubai is a man is providing very well financially.

00:30:14 Dubai, praise be to God, is a place where if you want to make a lot of money,

00:30:19 it's totally up to you.

00:30:20 How much money you make.

00:30:21 I mean, I don't mean to be ignorant because it does depend on your background

00:30:23 and stuff, but generally speaking, you can make a lot of money.

00:30:26 So the men create a lifestyle where women don't have to work.

00:30:29 No worries.

00:30:30 And she gets all the money.

00:30:31 No worries.

00:30:31 Yeah.

00:30:32 The problem becomes where he makes her life very easy in the form of nannies,

00:30:35 daycare, drivers, someone to cook.

00:30:38 And she doesn't do anything to make his life easier.

00:30:41 So there is no like, okay, cooking for him anymore.

00:30:45 There is no checking if he's hungry or if he's slept, if he's tired.

00:30:47 There's no checking in.

00:30:49 So what happens is it becomes a unilateral and the man starts to lose respect for

00:30:54 his wife.

00:30:54 He sees it as I'm doing my side as a man, financially, everything.

00:30:58 But in the process of making your life easier, you have lost any, you're bringing

00:31:02 nothing to my life.

00:31:04 If we were separated, the kids are raised by the nanny anyway, and the chef is

00:31:08 cooking anyway.

00:31:09 So you're not doing anything that's specifically for me.

00:31:11 So I no longer feel seen and heard.

00:31:13 And I lose attraction to a woman that's not doing anything all day.

00:31:17 Yeah, that's where the problem comes because the what happens is the women have

00:31:21 have that easy life.

00:31:22 They don't do much with their day.

00:31:24 And when they come back and the man, not only is she not, no food, no food,

00:31:29 nothing.

00:31:29 Not only is she not nurturing him, but she's not able to intellectually stimulate

00:31:33 him either.

00:31:33 Yeah.

00:31:34 So he's losing every form of attraction and then their physical intimacy

00:31:38 disappears.

00:31:39 And so they come to me and they focus on the physical intimacy.

00:31:42 They'll say that we don't have physical intimacy anymore.

00:31:45 But then I ask them, what is intellectual intimacy like?

00:31:48 What is a nurture like?

00:31:49 And you'll see that physical intimacy is usually a result of all the other types of

00:31:52 intimacy being checked first.

00:31:54 So throughout the day, checking, have you eaten?

00:31:56 Are you good?

00:31:57 Do you need anything?

00:31:57 Like if you make my life this easy, I'll be happy to just, you know, warm up a meal

00:32:01 for you.

00:32:01 I'll be happy to just put, it's the unilateral version of it where they're just

00:32:05 taking and not giving anything in response can lead to a breakdown.

00:32:08 You know, what's funny is that before you said this, I thought that it's really

00:32:12 important for a woman, for example, to feel cared, nurtured, et cetera, in order for

00:32:16 the physical intimacy to happen.

00:32:18 But you're saying also the men need it just as much because it's, you know, I

00:32:22 think that biologically it's just, you know, always available.

00:32:25 You would think that, but you know what?

00:32:27 A lot of women, I think something they don't talk about enough is a lot of women

00:32:30 experience that when they've been married for a long period of time, sometimes their

00:32:33 partner loses intimacy for them.

00:32:35 And it's that way around.

00:32:36 We all know about the situation where the woman's not being available for the man.

00:32:40 But it's very common where the man is no longer desiring the woman.

00:32:43 And it might be because he's connecting to any pornography or anything.

00:32:48 But a lot of the time I ask them, "What is your connection like during the day?"

00:32:51 Now, their version of foreplay, which they don't even realize, is a woman making them

00:32:56 feel seen, heard and desired.

00:32:59 Now, if throughout the day he's not desired in any way, shape or form, and he's like

00:33:03 not even acknowledged, men seek desire.

00:33:06 They want to be desired.

00:33:08 Now, if the wife is not making them feel desired, they can't be attracted to her

00:33:11 back.

00:33:12 I get it.

00:33:13 Yeah, they can't be attracted back because then you kind of tap into a man's predatory

00:33:18 instincts.

00:33:19 Yes.

00:33:19 You don't want to be that guy that just takes a woman that doesn't really desire

00:33:22 him.

00:33:22 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:33:22 You don't want to be that guy.

00:33:23 We're not in the 19, whatever, 20s anymore.

00:33:25 Yeah, you don't want to do that.

00:33:26 Yeah.

00:33:26 So what they want to do is if she doesn't make him feel seen and heard in any way,

00:33:29 shape or form, he interprets it as a lack of desire and therefore he loses his desire

00:33:34 for her.

00:33:35 So sometimes they just fall in love with a girl that might work in their office and

00:33:38 just bring them a coffee and they're madly in love with her now.

00:33:40 And they're asking him about his day.

00:33:42 That's it.

00:33:42 So they fall in love with the feeling of being desired.

00:33:45 Yeah.

00:33:46 And that's why they fall prey to the gold diggers because they know exactly what

00:33:48 they're doing.

00:33:49 Because they're like, oh baby, you look so good in that.

00:33:52 Wouldn't I look good in a Chanel?

00:33:54 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:33:54 That's how it works.

00:33:56 Oh my goodness.

00:33:57 So interesting.

00:33:58 But okay, so let's stay on the topic of attraction a little bit.

00:34:01 So we know that, you know, in long term relationships, say, you know, five, 10, 20

00:34:05 years in, you know, a woman after having kids, obviously she's not going to be

00:34:11 dolled up all the time.

00:34:12 And a man, same thing, you know, he's tired, he needs, he's working.

00:34:16 People let themselves go and their actions and the way they look.

00:34:19 How important is it to continue looking your best or feeling your best in terms of

00:34:27 physical, physical attraction versus the intellectual treatment attraction?

00:34:32 Here's the thing, something that people need to wake up to.

00:34:35 The reality is, of course, you don't have to stay on top of yourself.

00:34:38 You don't have to stay on top of your looks or your appearance.

00:34:40 You don't have to.

00:34:41 But everything comes with a reaction.

00:34:44 If you don't stay on top of yourself, your partner's going to lose sexual interest in

00:34:47 you.

00:34:47 Okay.

00:34:48 That's it.

00:34:48 It's that simple.

00:34:50 So, and vice versa.

00:34:51 It works both ways.

00:34:53 Now, if you think that your partner is going to love you unconditionally, absolutely he

00:34:57 can love you unconditionally.

00:34:58 But is he going to desire you unconditionally?

00:35:00 No.

00:35:01 But is it natural, do you think, even if somebody looks great for like 30 years, 40,

00:35:06 whatever, 20 years, do you think it's natural to continue being attracted to the same

00:35:10 person?

00:35:10 You can do, but you have to, here's how you stay attracted to, let's say, for example,

00:35:14 you look great.

00:35:14 You're David Beckham and Victoria Beckham.

00:35:16 Yeah.

00:35:16 How you would stay attracted to each other is you stay curious about each other.

00:35:21 As your life is evolving and changing, what would happen is you should be learning new

00:35:26 things about your partner as your journey's going on.

00:35:28 The person they are today is going to be different to the person they were 10 years

00:35:32 ago and five years ago.

00:35:33 So the novelty can still exist if you take an interest in the person that they're

00:35:37 becoming.

00:35:37 But if you are losing your, like, let's say, for example, you're somebody who has let go

00:35:43 of themselves, but then you're furious when your partner says, "Hey, can we get you

00:35:48 back in shape?

00:35:48 Can you go to the gym?"

00:35:49 You're being unreasonable only because, I can understand with kids you need all the

00:35:54 time in your world.

00:35:54 Yeah.

00:35:55 But if this person is not allowed to be physically intimate with anybody else on the

00:35:58 planet, isn't it, it's like if you could only eat one meal, you want it to at least be a

00:36:04 nice meal.

00:36:05 I don't think it's an unreasonable request.

00:36:08 And when kids, it's totally unreasonable.

00:36:10 I get it.

00:36:10 You take your time with it.

00:36:12 But without kids or after kids, it's just human nature to expect it.

00:36:17 So if you refuse to change with them, no worries, but expect the sexual desire to

00:36:22 decrease.

00:36:22 It's just a natural consequence of both of them.

00:36:25 Now, some people are lucky that they both are happy to just have less sexual desire or

00:36:29 they both fade sexually in the same way.

00:36:33 So they're still compatible.

00:36:34 Yeah.

00:36:34 But if there's incompatibility in that area, unfortunately, it will lead to

00:36:39 incompatibility in the physical relationships.

00:36:43 OK, and that's going to kind of lead me into my next conversation, which is basically

00:36:48 what about betrayal?

00:36:50 Yes.

00:36:51 So let's say in a relationship, one person betrays the other.

00:36:54 Yeah.

00:36:54 Do you think that it is able to be amended?

00:36:59 Like, can people come back to being in a relationship together or is it different for

00:37:03 men and women?

00:37:03 It's definitely, it can be mended.

00:37:05 I always say it can be mended.

00:37:07 Of course, it depends on your own level of pre-existing trauma.

00:37:10 Some people can handle abandonment a lot better than others.

00:37:12 But here's the thing with betrayal.

00:37:14 People love to say that the person who was betrayed is completely wrong and I'm

00:37:19 completely right and he's a narcissist or she's a narcissist and that's the end of

00:37:22 story. But reality is most betrayal involves a unmet need in some way, shape or

00:37:28 form. Now, it might be that you chose badly.

00:37:31 You chose somebody who has that pattern, who's unable to commit to one person, needs

00:37:36 novelty, and therefore it was a matter of time.

00:37:38 But other times it might be that you didn't, you show them any love and affection for a

00:37:43 long period of time, but you've got kids, they didn't want to risk the whole house

00:37:45 and you've got a good friendship, didn't want to risk it.

00:37:47 And then they selfishly met their needs elsewhere.

00:37:50 Yeah.

00:37:50 But usually a lot of the betrayal involves a unmet need.

00:37:54 Sometimes, you know, we like to believe that, especially with men, they like to say,

00:37:57 "Oh, they just want to do it.

00:37:58 They just want to do it."

00:37:59 Yeah.

00:37:59 But if that was the case, they'd want to do it with their wife all the time.

00:38:02 Yeah.

00:38:02 They don't just want to do it.

00:38:04 They want to feel something.

00:38:05 And usually they want to feel desire.

00:38:06 And same thing with women.

00:38:07 It's not that they just want to do it.

00:38:09 They want to feel a particular feeling that they haven't had in a long time.

00:38:12 So figure out what that is.

00:38:14 Try and put it in your relationship, but then ask your partner, honestly, are you

00:38:19 addicted to the novel feeling of excitement?

00:38:21 Yeah.

00:38:21 If that's the case, you're going to struggle getting back together.

00:38:24 If that's not the case and it was just one-off, you're going to, it's repairable.

00:38:30 It's repairable.

00:38:30 But in my personal experience, if it's a woman that's cheated on a man, it's very

00:38:34 difficult to repair.

00:38:36 Okay.

00:38:36 How come?

00:38:37 Because the woman herself, when she's been physically intimate and enjoyed it with

00:38:41 another man, she finds it very difficult to reverse her sexual connection with,

00:38:45 yeah, with a man in general.

00:38:47 Okay.

00:38:48 So what happens is if she's enjoyed that experience in any way, shape or form, when

00:38:52 you've enjoyed an experience in any way, shape or form, it's very difficult to

00:38:56 reverse and go backwards from it.

00:38:58 Okay.

00:38:58 Because there's maybe a certain amount of feeling involved also for women.

00:39:01 Because we can't enjoy it unless we're safe and connected and so on and so forth.

00:39:04 A hundred percent.

00:39:05 So if she's enjoyed it, then she finds it difficult.

00:39:08 And so, and what happens is the men forgive so much more cheating than you'd

00:39:13 realize.

00:39:14 Yeah.

00:39:14 So much more.

00:39:15 They pretend online and everything that, oh, I'd never forgive it.

00:39:19 Yeah.

00:39:19 Deep down.

00:39:20 I promise you, it's more men forgiving women than it is the other way around.

00:39:24 Because women, when they find out, they make a big show out of it.

00:39:28 They want to tell their friends, they're like, "Guess what he did?"

00:39:30 They want to post memes on Instagram and so on and so forth.

00:39:33 So by that time, they've made such a big hoo-ha that they kind of walked out.

00:39:37 What happens is men, they've got no one to tell this to.

00:39:40 Because it's embarrassing for them.

00:39:41 Humiliating.

00:39:42 So what happens is the only person they can talk to is the wife and she can kind of

00:39:46 get him to forgive.

00:39:47 And they usually forgive.

00:39:48 Yeah, they usually forgive.

00:39:49 They pretend they don't, but they usually forgive.

00:39:51 Now the problem is men can reverse sexually, women, they find it hard.

00:39:57 They find it hard.

00:39:58 So say he does forgive her.

00:40:00 Does that have any long-term repercussions though?

00:40:02 What if he gets really, what about resentment?

00:40:04 It has more long-term repercussions on him than her.

00:40:07 Long-term repercussions on her is she starts to realize that she has complete

00:40:11 control of this relationship and he will never leave.

00:40:14 If he doesn't leave now, he'll never leave.

00:40:16 So the door is now open.

00:40:17 So before infidelity, there's an element of fear that if he finds out, I'm dead.

00:40:23 When she realizes he doesn't forgive, it just means, "Okay, the door is now open."

00:40:29 Right.

00:40:29 So she could do it again.

00:40:30 We remember the forgiveness, not the betrayal.

00:40:32 I see.

00:40:33 So we remember the fact that you forgave us more than we'll remember the big,

00:40:38 big fight that you had in the process.

00:40:39 So that's why it leaves the door open now in future.

00:40:43 And then the man himself starts to hate himself because he knows it's

00:40:47 something that he shouldn't be doing.

00:40:49 Society's told him he shouldn't be forgiving.

00:40:51 He doesn't feel comfortable forgiving.

00:40:53 And yet he doesn't have the strength to walk away.

00:40:56 So he loses respect for himself.

00:40:58 And it does lead to slow depression in a lot of them.

00:41:00 Wow.

00:41:01 So it's like for men, it becomes self-hate.

00:41:03 And for women, it's just kind of like, "I can leave.

00:41:06 I'm at the door."

00:41:07 I mean, it does obviously traumatize a woman as well.

00:41:09 No, no, of course.

00:41:10 But the thing is, she has more social support.

00:41:12 A hundred percent.

00:41:13 Women are much luckier.

00:41:14 Women have so much more social support.

00:41:16 And that's a big determinant of whether you heal from trauma.

00:41:20 Yes.

00:41:20 And whereas men have no social support because every man would say, "What are you doing?

00:41:23 Oh, that's crazy."

00:41:24 Even though they've secretly forgiven their wife for a lot of things.

00:41:26 And also publicly, nobody talks about it.

00:41:29 A hundred percent.

00:41:30 So they have no social support.

00:41:31 So it turns to internal damage.

00:41:32 Wow.

00:41:33 Poor things.

00:41:34 I know, that's really sad.

00:41:36 Yeah.

00:41:37 Men need more friends.

00:41:38 Okay.

00:41:41 So let's talk about, you know, public and private.

00:41:44 Yeah.

00:41:44 Are there anything, is there anything between a man and woman in a relationship that they should keep private?

00:41:49 That some things are maybe not meant to be shared?

00:41:52 With each other?

00:41:52 With each other.

00:41:53 I would say it really does...

00:41:55 I mean, other than the, you know, daily like going to the toilet.

00:41:58 I'm not talking about that.

00:41:59 Okay.

00:41:59 Look, here's the thing.

00:42:00 Your relationship, the more you can expose with each other, the more trust you build.

00:42:07 So I understand completely, you don't want to tell things about your parents and you don't want to tell things.

00:42:11 But the only way we know we can develop a long lasting trusting relationship with your partner is when you give them very, very damaged, potentially damaging information.

00:42:19 And you learn that they are precious with it.

00:42:21 They don't throw it back in your face.

00:42:23 They give you support in the process.

00:42:25 That creates a good relationship.

00:42:27 That's lovely.

00:42:27 If you have to hide and this, that and the other, I'm not saying you expose, because sometimes you do have a partner that's going to throw it in your face and do all these things.

00:42:33 But the hiding is a symptom of a lack of connection to begin with.

00:42:37 Now, I'll have some clients and they'll say, "Look, my husband said to me, if I gain a bit of weight, he's going to cheat on me, but he doesn't want to."

00:42:43 And they're really upset about it.

00:42:45 And I'm like, "But you know what?

00:42:46 There's actually, he's honest with you."

00:42:48 Okay.

00:42:48 He's being honest with you.

00:42:49 You know, he could hide that from you, let you do what you want and then start living a separate life.

00:42:53 But he's honest with you and saying, "I really don't want to, but if I'm honest with you, I know from my past, if you've completely neglect me, if you completely neglect yourself, I have this terrible habit."

00:43:03 At least then in the process, he's giving you the truth.

00:43:08 And if you take it or leave it, it's totally up to you.

00:43:10 But there's an element of trust with the information.

00:43:13 You can do with it what you want.

00:43:14 So I think you can hide things, but you have to ask yourself, why are you hiding it?

00:43:18 Is it because of your personal insecurities?

00:43:20 You just don't want them to know the truth about you?

00:43:22 Yeah.

00:43:22 Or is it because they are somebody who throws it back in your face?

00:43:25 If it's your personal insecurities, don't do it.

00:43:28 Yeah.

00:43:28 If it's just a personal thing in you, don't do it.

00:43:30 I know people who've hidden from their partner that their stepdad is actually their real dad because they don't want to tell them that they got divorced.

00:43:37 I was like, "That's your personal."

00:43:38 There's no way somebody would be so judgmental about that.

00:43:40 Yeah.

00:43:40 They're so serious.

00:43:41 But there's other times they say, "Oh, because he goes on and says these kind of things about my mom."

00:43:46 Then you know you need to hide it.

00:43:47 And then that's a deeper issue.

00:43:49 It's not the hiding.

00:43:49 It's about whether you can trust them with the truth.

00:43:51 Right.

00:43:52 Because then obviously you feel like the reaction is not for your own, like, not safety, like emotional safety.

00:43:57 Yeah.

00:43:58 You're not feeling emotionally safe telling someone.

00:43:59 That's really interesting.

00:44:01 Do you think they should hide things, by the way?

00:44:04 I'm curious what other people think about that.

00:44:06 You know what I think?

00:44:07 I think if it's something that is like what you said, it's personal, like it was if it's something about my parents or something that's really personal to somebody else, that I don't feel like it would kind of elevate our relationship.

00:44:19 Yeah.

00:44:19 Then I wouldn't say it.

00:44:21 But I feel like if it's something that they might find out one day and you know, if it's about, for example, I'm just going to use the example of my family.

00:44:29 Parents.

00:44:30 It's usually parents.

00:44:30 Yeah.

00:44:31 And if they're going to find out or if it's going to affect them or if they're going to be involved somehow, of course I would.

00:44:35 Yeah.

00:44:35 Of course I don't think that should be.

00:44:36 And if they can support you in the process.

00:44:38 Exactly.

00:44:39 Yeah.

00:44:39 That's what I think.

00:44:40 Yeah.

00:44:40 So I think, you know, because there's also this bigger conversation of how much should you surrender in a relationship?

00:44:47 Right.

00:44:48 So, for example, if you're talking about love, love is surrender.

00:44:51 Right.

00:44:51 So how much should you love and surrender versus maintaining and retaining your autonomy and your independence in a relationship?

00:45:00 A lot of people think, no, you know, some one one party should surrender more so that you are safer.

00:45:08 And that's what led me to that question.

00:45:12 But what do you think about that?

00:45:13 I think surrender, but at the same time have the ability to walk away and have a life that you could kind of pick up again should it all go wrong.

00:45:22 The people who don't want to surrender are the ones that almost have an unwillingness to walk away if they get too attached.

00:45:29 But if you know that you're going to give it your all, but if worst case scenario happens, I'd be OK.

00:45:35 That's when you can enjoy love.

00:45:37 What I mean by that is I'm going to give you everything I got.

00:45:40 I'm going to be loyal.

00:45:41 I'm going to be financially stable for you.

00:45:42 I'm going to do everything.

00:45:43 But if you don't appreciate that, no worries.

00:45:46 I'll just take it and I'll move on with my life.

00:45:48 But the people who are playing hard to get, you don't know if the relationship is going to end because you're not giving it your all or because you're not compatible.

00:45:55 You leave with confusion.

00:45:56 Right.

00:45:57 So you might.

00:45:57 I think the better thing to do is give it your absolute surrender completely, dedicate yourself completely, but also have a willingness to walk away if, God forbid, worst case scenario happened.

00:46:06 Wow.

00:46:07 OK, very good.

00:46:09 I'm going to ask a question that I think a lot of people in Dubai may suffer from.

00:46:14 So we live in a very multicultural, multifaceted, multi-faith city.

00:46:20 Yeah. Praise be to God.

00:46:21 It's amazing.

00:46:22 Yeah, it's really amazing.

00:46:23 And honestly, I feel like it could be also a little bit of like the hurdle of why dating might be a little bit difficult here.

00:46:29 What do you say to people who have, you know, met and matched, however, they're from different religious backgrounds and different cultural backgrounds?

00:46:37 Yeah. What do you think is the kind of success rate or I don't know, whatever failure rate of that kind of how much should they take it as a significant factor in the relationship?

00:46:51 OK, and that's a great question, because in Dubai, it's a very interesting city because the thing is, most people don't come with the whole family.

00:46:56 They come as individuals and they come from all over the world.

00:46:59 So you'll have somebody from like Poland, somebody from Russia, somebody from Latin America and somebody like Arab.

00:47:05 It's all over and they can connect.

00:47:07 They can literally work together side by side.

00:47:09 They can totally connect.

00:47:10 The problem happens is when they really get on, this version of them really gets on.

00:47:16 But their family values and their family backgrounds and their norms and values are not always in line.

00:47:21 So this version, the Dubai version of us can really connect.

00:47:24 Yeah. But our families and our backgrounds and our norms and values are going to be different, especially when we go to raise kids.

00:47:31 So in this bubble, we're fantastic.

00:47:34 We can go to the same places for dinner.

00:47:35 We know exactly where to go for coffee in the mornings we get on.

00:47:37 But how would we handle breakups?

00:47:41 How would we handle child rearing?

00:47:43 What would we do if we had to co-parent and divorce?

00:47:45 How would we divide finances?

00:47:47 Those things are very different, especially culturally and religiously.

00:47:51 They can be super, super different.

00:47:52 So, you know, you've got people that come from an environment where it's 50/50.

00:47:56 You've got other people that come from a Muslim background and stuff.

00:47:58 So it's very, very difficult.

00:48:00 What I would say is think about what values mean the most to you in life,

00:48:04 whether they're your spiritual values, whether it's your academic values,

00:48:07 whether lifestyle values, whatever values you mean the most to you.

00:48:11 Yeah. Whatever values mean the most to you.

00:48:13 Try not to compromise on them too much, because that will always come back to you.

00:48:18 Yeah. And what I mean, look, there are people that come from the same religion, but they've got opposite values.

00:48:23 100 percent. Yeah.

00:48:24 And this is a problem that a lot of Muslim women and men, but a lot of Muslim men and women have.

00:48:28 And I'm saying this as a Muslim myself.

00:48:30 Yeah. And what happens with people from Muslim backgrounds,

00:48:33 they'll meet other Muslims and think you're more liberal than a non-Muslim.

00:48:36 Like you're doing so much more than a non-Muslim.

00:48:39 Yeah. Or just character wise.

00:48:41 Character wise.

00:48:42 And then you meet a non-Muslim who's more in line with the religion than the actual.

00:48:45 So it leaves them in a really tricky, tricky position.

00:48:48 Yes. And but I would just say it just that depends on your relationship with God.

00:48:53 OK. Yeah. Do you feel like you can sacrifice?

00:48:57 Like there's some rules that are just there.

00:48:59 Yeah. You know, like I admit, even me, I know I don't wear hijab.

00:49:02 I know the rule is that I don't ever kid myself into thinking I'm not sinning.

00:49:05 I know I'm sinning and I'm doing it publicly with millions of views.

00:49:09 God forgive me. But I know I am.

00:49:12 You're a good person. It's OK.

00:49:13 I don't know. He knows me better.

00:49:14 So what I would say is as much as I know it's a sin, I don't deny it's a sin.

00:49:20 Right. Yeah. I'm very aware it's a sin.

00:49:22 Yeah, I'm very aware. So I can alter my forgiveness accordingly.

00:49:25 I can I can monitor my repentance accordingly.

00:49:28 The best thing is not to go into denial, but go into are you OK with this level of sin or this level of thing?

00:49:34 And if you're OK with it and you think you can repair it perfectly fine.

00:49:37 But if you go into denial and stuff, it will cause you'll live in internal conflict.

00:49:41 A hundred percent. You will live in an internal conflict because things will pop up that remind you it's a sin and you're trying to ignore it.

00:49:47 And so this is very Muslim focused.

00:49:49 No, no, it's on both sides.

00:49:50 Because also, even if we're saying I talk about Muslim, you talk about other religions, any other culture.

00:49:55 That's the thing. Every culture has its own kind of abiding values and laws.

00:50:00 Yeah. So like, for example, I don't I don't drink, but say if I did drink, I don't I wouldn't recommend somebody who says, oh, no, it's OK.

00:50:08 God will forgive. It's more just say it's a sin.

00:50:10 I need to work on it. I'll repair my relationship with God.

00:50:13 Right. Denying the sin, if it means something to you, will always creep in and it will cause internal conflict.

00:50:19 You know, I always say that every relationship, I feel like it just depends on your threshold of what you accept.

00:50:25 Yeah. I feel right. Because a lot of I mean, every relationship is so different.

00:50:30 Yeah. Sometimes you see people in a relationship, you're like, wow, she's doing that and he's OK with it.

00:50:34 And she's doing that. And they're.

00:50:35 But they're cool with it. They're cool with it.

00:50:37 Let them be. Honestly, to each their own.

00:50:40 Yeah. And you'll find somebody in line with your values.

00:50:43 And, you know, and even I'm from Jordan.

00:50:45 And so even in Jordan, there's been a lot of like interfaith kind of marriages and everything.

00:50:49 And I've been very surprised by it.

00:50:51 But I realize, you know, if the people are OK with it and if your families are OK with it, then they have reached their level of like their threshold has been.

00:51:00 Yeah. They're OK with it.

00:51:02 That's their deal breakers.

00:51:04 And they've decided what their deal breakers are.

00:51:06 And they might be different to ours or yours or anything like that.

00:51:08 So just figure out what you can deal with.

00:51:10 If you come from a religion and it means something to you.

00:51:13 Yeah. Figure out what you got to pick your sins.

00:51:15 Pick your sins.

00:51:16 Yeah. Don't deny them.

00:51:18 Pick them and work on them in your own way.

00:51:20 But don't deny them.

00:51:21 I wouldn't say deny them.

00:51:22 OK. Very good.

00:51:24 All right. Last question before we get into a little game.

00:51:27 OK, so I love a game.

00:51:30 OK, so last question.

00:51:32 What do you do?

00:51:33 You think that men and women can be friends?

00:51:35 I talk a lot about this because I happen to have a lot of male friends in my life and I've always had male friends.

00:51:40 Like even since I was a kid, I always struggled with female connections.

00:51:43 And so weird. Online I've had the same problem.

00:51:45 Yeah. It's weird.

00:51:46 Online I've had the exact... Why do you think that is?

00:51:48 I don't know. You tell me you're a girl.

00:51:49 Why do you hate me?

00:51:50 I've seen your comments, by the way.

00:51:53 And I feel like women are very catty behind the screen.

00:51:57 Yeah. I don't know what's up with that.

00:51:58 I think maybe because it's their own internalized, I guess, resentment for maybe the way they've grown up.

00:52:04 Maybe the stuff that you say can trigger them in some way.

00:52:07 Yeah. So I feel like men are a little bit less emotional.

00:52:10 Yeah. A little bit.

00:52:11 You get sensitive feminine men that also start crying in the comments.

00:52:14 But usually it's women.

00:52:15 So I always experience this.

00:52:17 So I felt more safety in male friendships because I've always had problems with females, like even ones I didn't know.

00:52:23 And then when being online just exaggerated that so much for me, because I would know the moment, let's say, for example, the crowd is female.

00:52:30 I would know what the reaction is going to be.

00:52:32 It's going to be negative.

00:52:34 But I do get lots of love from women as well.

00:52:36 Yeah.

00:52:37 When they like me, they really like me.

00:52:38 But when they hate me, they want to murder me.

00:52:40 It's not a case of, oh, she's just annoying.

00:52:42 It's like, I want to kill her.

00:52:43 Oh, my goodness.

00:52:44 So I understand.

00:52:45 I completely understand.

00:52:46 And it's something I've embraced.

00:52:47 And it's not a problem for me.

00:52:49 All praise be to God.

00:52:49 It's not a problem for me.

00:52:50 So I've always managed male and female friendships.

00:52:52 But what I always say is, look, it depends on the partner you choose.

00:52:57 If you've chosen somebody that is a valuable person and is a good communicator and is able to set boundaries, what happens is they're friends with most kinds of people.

00:53:07 They'll be friends with different ethnicities.

00:53:08 They'll be friends with different age groups.

00:53:10 And they'll be friends with different genders because they happen to have, they're multifaceted.

00:53:14 Now, if you've chosen somebody who isn't multifaceted and isn't able to have different kinds of conversations with different backgrounds, different educations, different ethnicities and different genders, then they shouldn't be having opposite gender friends.

00:53:25 Because they actually don't bring enough value for those connections for it to turn into a friendship.

00:53:30 Right.

00:53:30 Yeah.

00:53:31 So what I would say is if you've got a girl that isn't very, very intelligent and she isn't really able to adapt in different environments and yet she has a bunch of male friends.

00:53:39 All of a sudden she has like five big gay friends.

00:53:41 Five male friends.

00:53:42 Of course you should be worried.

00:53:44 Of course you should be worried.

00:53:45 But and similarly with a guy, like he doesn't really talk to different kind of age groups, doesn't really talk to different ethnicities, doesn't really talk to people with different educational backgrounds.

00:53:53 But he's got all these female friends on Instagram that he follows and likes all their pictures.

00:53:57 Yeah.

00:53:57 And you should be worried.

00:53:58 Yes.

00:53:59 You should be very worried.

00:54:00 But when you choose a valuable person, two things they do.

00:54:04 They respect you in your absence.

00:54:06 Whether you're there or not, they have boundaries, they respect you in your absence.

00:54:09 And secondly, they have self-control.

00:54:11 They don't see every opposite gender person as a form of sexual chemistry.

00:54:16 That's very important.

00:54:17 Yeah, very important.

00:54:18 Where and so the high value people in general, they don't see every opportunity as an opportunity.

00:54:24 They say no more than they say yes.

00:54:25 So friendships can very much be friendships for them.

00:54:28 People with not much value, their identity depends on how many people are giving them attention.

00:54:33 So any opposite gender, they sexualize it.

00:54:36 They over sexualize it.

00:54:37 Yeah, they over sexualize it in some way, shape or form.

00:54:39 So I think it can be friends, but it really just depends on your selection process.

00:54:42 Select wisely.

00:54:43 Yep.

00:54:44 And they can be friends with everybody and anybody.

00:54:45 But if you select wisely, they will naturally monitor themselves.

00:54:48 So they're not friends with people there's potential attraction to.

00:54:51 Yeah.

00:54:52 Okay.

00:54:52 Most people.

00:54:53 Because you know.

00:54:54 You know.

00:54:55 Everybody knows.

00:54:56 Everybody knows.

00:54:57 Look, here's the thing. You choose somebody who naturally avoids spending quality time with somebody they know they have a physical attraction to.

00:55:04 Whoever you're going to be with throughout your life, they're going to form chemistry with people.

00:55:08 Right.

00:55:09 You choose somebody who recognizes that experience and avoids it out of respect for you.

00:55:14 Yeah.

00:55:14 If you've chosen somebody who doesn't recognize that and doesn't avoid it, then you have to worry.

00:55:19 So it's not so arbitrary.

00:55:20 It's more selection based, as I would say, because in this day and age, you're going to work with different people.

00:55:24 And one of the things I find, especially with men and women, both of them actually, that struggle with dating and always get ghosted or only have one date.

00:55:32 I ask them, "Do you have any friends of the opposite gender?"

00:55:34 And they'll say no.

00:55:35 And I said, "This is the problem you're having."

00:55:37 Really?

00:55:37 Because you don't know how to connect with the opposite gender, even to have a good date.

00:55:42 In order to have a good date, to have some charisma, to not be so nervous, to relax, you need exposure to the opposite gender regularly.

00:55:51 Yeah.

00:55:51 So what will happen is you'll go into a date and just feel like, "It's just a guy.

00:55:54 It's just a boy.

00:55:55 Like, that's what it is.

00:55:56 It's just a boy."

00:55:56 And you relax a little bit.

00:55:58 But when you don't experience much connection with the opposite gender, you bring an intensity to the relationship and you start, you know, really worrying about what their response is.

00:56:07 You're not as relaxed.

00:56:08 Right.

00:56:09 So I would say that sometimes having friends of the opposite gender, it helps you build more charisma.

00:56:15 Yeah.

00:56:15 Build charisma and also just like, yeah, be free in your actions.

00:56:19 Be free in how you talk.

00:56:20 Like, if you go into dates the same way you would with somebody who's the same, if you've got both gender friends, when you go into a date, you bring the same energy if they're a boy or girl because you come with that kind of experience.

00:56:30 Yes.

00:56:30 You can talk about similar things or whatever it is.

00:56:32 But if you never speak to a boy and then you go on a date, you're going to be tense.

00:56:35 You're going to be dying inside.

00:56:36 And same with guys who don't have any female friends.

00:56:39 They see the girl, they get tense.

00:56:40 Whereas men who have grown up with cousins, sisters, female friends, they're like, "Hi."

00:56:45 They've got really relaxed energy to them.

00:56:47 Yeah.

00:56:47 And it immediately creates some kind of familiarity.

00:56:51 So I think it's beneficial.

00:56:52 I know that's haram, by the way, because I know I'm going to get lots of people going, "Haram! Haram!"

00:56:56 I'm aware it's haram.

00:56:57 No.

00:56:57 Okay.

00:56:58 Yeah, I know.

00:56:58 But you know what?

00:56:59 I mean, like you said, in Dubai, we're all here, like, you know, career-based kind of living and everything.

00:57:05 So obviously you're gonna make friends and you're gonna network.

00:57:08 You're gonna network, yeah.

00:57:09 So, but anyway, okay, thanks for that.

00:57:12 No worries.

00:57:12 That's a good one.

00:57:13 Mm-hmm.

00:57:13 All right.

00:57:13 So let's play a little game.

00:57:15 Mm-hmm.

00:57:15 I'm gonna call it Red Flag, Green Flag.

00:57:17 Okay.

00:57:17 Lovely.

00:57:18 Okay.

00:57:19 This one is kind of obvious, but I'm gonna say it anyway.

00:57:22 My significant other likes attractive pictures online.

00:57:25 Red Flag.

00:57:26 He's a loser.

00:57:26 Okay.

00:57:29 My significant other still talks to their ex and says they're good friends and tells me that they have good relationships with their past.

00:57:37 Red Flag, because they don't respect your opinion on that.

00:57:40 It's not about the...

00:57:42 The ex might be just a friend.

00:57:43 It might be nothing there.

00:57:45 But if it makes you uncomfortable, your job as a partner is to make your partner feel secure.

00:57:49 Mm-hmm.

00:57:50 So you should be able to sacrifice connections, particularly if they have some sexual element, in order to make the relationship more secure.

00:57:56 Okay.

00:57:57 Red Flag, Green Flag.

00:57:59 Your significant other wants to introduce you to their family in the first month of dating.

00:58:03 I would say it's actually a red flag.

00:58:07 Red Flag!

00:58:07 I would, depending on how serious they are.

00:58:09 But I would say that we should take a little bit more time to get to know somebody before we place them with our family.

00:58:17 If they're rushing that process, that means there's something outside of our connection that's pushing them towards this.

00:58:23 And maybe they're just, they're not quite basing it on our connection, but where they are in life.

00:58:27 Okay.

00:58:28 And they just want to rush it so that and put you in there.

00:58:30 So I would say it's a little bit of a red flag because you just don't know in the first month.

00:58:34 Wow.

00:58:35 Okay.

00:58:35 I didn't think that.

00:58:36 I thought you were gonna say that.

00:58:37 No, you think it's a green flag because you think it's going serious.

00:58:40 But I would just say, how would you know that person?

00:58:41 Because in the first month, you probably haven't even fought yet.

00:58:43 That's true.

00:58:44 Yeah.

00:58:44 So wait till you fight and then go into.

00:58:47 Okay.

00:58:48 Um, walking out of an argument to take a breather.

00:58:52 Is that a green flag or a red flag?

00:58:53 It's a yellow.

00:58:55 You just have to explain how long you're going to be and that you're going to, look, here's the thing.

00:58:59 If some people need a break, but you should offer reassurance and say, look, I just need a break.

00:59:04 Give me an hour or so.

00:59:05 And then we can talk about this.

00:59:06 But right now I just need a break.

00:59:07 But the person that just disappears, no, I'm not talking to you.

00:59:10 Big red flag.

00:59:11 Okay.

00:59:12 Yeah.

00:59:12 Signing a prenup.

00:59:13 Green flag, red flag.

00:59:14 Green flag.

00:59:15 In this day and age, we should marry somebody that we know we can divorce amicably rather than just something about the person we love the most.

00:59:21 And we've got to remember when we do go through tough times, we're not nice people to each other.

00:59:25 So a prenup is essential, unfortunately.

00:59:29 A big red flag is somebody who doesn't want a prenup because they're not being realistic in my mind.

00:59:35 Really?

00:59:35 Yeah.

00:59:36 Okay.

00:59:36 Interesting.

00:59:37 Great.

00:59:37 Okay.

00:59:39 My significant other won't let me out or is jealous when I go to a boys night or a girls night.

00:59:45 Red flag.

00:59:46 Green flag.

00:59:46 Depends on context.

00:59:47 Have you done anything that would cause that?

00:59:50 But even if you have or haven't, it's a little bit of, oh, I would say yellow.

00:59:54 I would say yellow.

00:59:55 I would say yellow.

00:59:56 It depends on context and depends on what the girls night or boys night looks like.

01:00:01 I do always say, look, here's the thing, whereas as faithful as 50% is our disposition, 50% is our environment.

01:00:07 Faithful people take themselves out of tempting environments.

01:00:11 Okay.

01:00:12 It's not a case of you put a faithful person in a strip club and be like, oh, they're so great.

01:00:16 Yeah.

01:00:16 They naturally monitor themselves out of it.

01:00:19 Right.

01:00:20 So what happens with faithful people, it's not that you should trust them blindly.

01:00:23 They themselves do it.

01:00:26 We'll talk about that.

01:00:27 So they remove themselves from environments that are tempting for this because they're a monogamous person.

01:00:32 Very interesting.

01:00:33 Okay.

01:00:34 Yeah.

01:00:35 My significant other flips their phone when we're out.

01:00:38 Green flag, red flag.

01:00:40 I'm psychos.

01:00:41 Everything is a red flag.

01:00:42 The thing is, I do that sometimes because I don't want notifications.

01:00:46 I just don't want to, I don't, I want to be in the conversation.

01:00:48 Genuinely.

01:00:49 I just don't want to see my phone, but if I see someone doing it, I'd be like, why?

01:00:53 I genuinely think, again, it depends on circumstances, but I would think it's better if it's non-intentional what they're doing with their phone.

01:01:02 Okay.

01:01:03 Non-intentional.

01:01:03 Their phone isn't a primary like, force or distraction.

01:01:07 So I think if it's on by accident or it's just a way, but here's the thing with phones, they should be somewhat accessible and available, but you shouldn't go checking, I think.

01:01:17 So your phone should be lying around in this and the other, but you as a partner on the other side of the boundary shouldn't be snooping.

01:01:22 Okay.

01:01:23 Yeah, because so it should be a mutual and the more you make your phone available, the less your partner will snoop.

01:01:27 It's when you turn it and when you hide it, when you use it in the bathroom and stuff, that's when your partner starts checking.

01:01:33 So create a culture around your phone where it's not a source of contention.

01:01:36 Sharing memes with the opposite sex.

01:01:38 Green flag, red flag.

01:01:39 What are these memes about?

01:01:41 Are they normal things?

01:01:43 If they're normal things, it's not the end of the world.

01:01:44 That's true.

01:01:45 If it's normal things, it's not the end of the world.

01:01:47 If it's restaurants or if it's like food or if it's funny, but if it's like sexual stuff, don't do it.

01:01:53 Yeah, don't do it.

01:01:53 It's not nice.

01:01:54 Okay, wait, another phone question.

01:01:56 You're out on a date or with your husband or your person that you're dating and they're texting.

01:02:02 They're texting a little bit.

01:02:03 Yeah.

01:02:04 Green flag or red flag?

01:02:05 It's a communication flag.

01:02:07 You need to express yourself and say, "Babe, this is quality time.

01:02:09 Like, can you put your phone away?"

01:02:11 If they respond in a way like, "Oh shit, just one second.

01:02:14 This email."

01:02:14 Yeah.

01:02:14 Green flag.

01:02:15 If they respond like, "Oh, here you go again."

01:02:17 Red flag.

01:02:18 So there you go.

01:02:20 Beautiful.

01:02:21 All right.

01:02:21 Amazing.

01:02:22 Thank you so much.

01:02:22 Thank you so much, Sadia.

01:02:23 Thank you so much for having me.

01:02:25 Thank you.

01:02:25 This was a great conversation.

01:02:27 Yep.

01:02:28 And guys, if you like this video, do like, share and subscribe.

01:02:33 And we'll see you on the next episode of UAE Trailblazers.

01:02:37 Thank you so much.

01:02:38 Thank you.

01:02:39 That was awesome.

01:02:40 [END]

Modern Relationships with Sadia Khan_ Cultural Differences, Finances, Red & Green flags

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