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AmusantTranscription
00:00 Do you know where I can find 4D batteries for my flashlight?
00:07 Um, aisle 30, I think.
00:11 This is aisle 30.
00:13 Fifteen three.
00:15 Stop guessing. Either you know or you don't know.
00:18 Sir, I'm trying to help you.
00:21 Hey you, wait!
00:29 [Sigh]
00:31 Batteries?
00:37 You just passed them. Right through that door, sir.
00:41 [Sigh] Thank you.
00:43 I hate this place.
00:56 Yahoo!
00:59 Whoa!
01:01 [Music]
01:30 As a stylist, you must remember a bad haircut can cost your client their job.
01:36 Even get them beat up.
01:38 That's why we practice on the senior citizens.
01:41 Miss Kremser, my senior citizen is too small for my chair.
01:46 Can I get a new one?
01:48 Luanne, please. Some of them can hear you.
01:52 Would you step into my office?
01:55 I haven't received your tuition check for this trimester.
01:59 Oh, really? I-I mailed it.
02:02 Oh, you did, did you?
02:04 That's good, because if you hadn't, I would have had to suspend you.
02:08 But since you did mail it, why don't we just sit here and wait until it comes?
02:14 I didn't mail the check.
02:24 If I don't pay my tuition, I can't go to beauty school anymore.
02:28 Can you believe that?
02:31 How much was it again?
02:33 Three hundred dollars.
02:35 Eh, all I have is four hundred dollars.
02:37 And that's going towards my new trampoline.
02:39 I mean, the trampoline I have now is good, but, you know.
02:42 Yeah. Okay. Not bugly.
02:47 Okay, Hank, try turning it back on now.
02:52 Because feeling fresh is important to a woman.
02:56 Oh!
02:58 Dad, can I come back in now?
03:01 Not yet, son. Stay in the kitchen.
03:05 Okay, Bobby, you can come back in.
03:08 Your garden will be a horn of plenty with Megalomulch and easy-to-lift fifty-pound bags.
03:15 Mmm, that Chuck Mangione's one class act.
03:18 And now Megalomart has propane and propane accessories at mega-low prices.
03:24 Fuel so good.
03:26 Propane at Megalomart?
03:29 Uh, Bobby, leave the room.
03:32 You bastards!
03:35 I got me drinks.
03:37 All right, all right, everybody settle down.
03:40 Megalomart may be selling propane now, but they're in for the fight of their lives.
03:46 Tell 'em, Buck.
03:47 Well, there's no way we can compete with their prices.
03:51 But Debbie and I stayed late last night, and after that we came up with a plan.
03:57 Yes, we have a plan. Good work, Buck.
04:00 And, uh, Debbie?
04:03 We're gonna beat Megalomart by giving the customer what they can't, the personal touch.
04:09 Little program I'm gonna call "Service with a Hug."
04:14 (laughs)
04:16 You're serious?
04:19 (music)
04:24 Hi, welcome to Strickland Propane. Service with a...
04:29 ...hug.
04:33 Ugh, I'm really sorry about that.
04:36 Now, what can we do for you?
04:38 Well, I was just wondering, do you honor Megalomart coupons?
04:41 No, but for pennies more, you get the same propane and Strickland service.
04:47 Well, how many pennies?
04:49 Several hundred.
04:52 I hugged you!
04:55 Sure, son, the Wagner Char King does cost a little less here at Megalomart.
05:07 But when you buy at Strickland, 135 Los Gatos Road, you don't just get a grill, you get a spatula and a friend.
05:16 A good spatula.
05:18 Sir, there's no yelling in the propane department. Some of these gases are extremely volubilious.
05:25 Well, Buckley, I have a complaint. I would like to talk circles around the person who runs your propane department.
05:34 Hey, they don't want me making keys anymore.
05:38 I don't know whether to laugh or vomit.
05:45 Say, I want to thank you guys for continuing to buy your propane from Strickland.
05:50 You're about due for a fill-up, Dale. What's it been, five, six cookouts?
05:55 No, I'm all set.
05:58 Huh. Well, that's odd. The gauge must be broken. It says your tank's full. Here.
06:04 Megalomart!
06:11 I am changing the seating plan in my classroom. Mr. Garcia has been hiding from me for too long.
06:18 Welcome to the front row, Mr. Garcia. Are you listening, Hank?
06:24 I gotta come up with some kind of battle plan. We're hugging our way down the crapper here.
06:30 Uncle Hank, Aunt Peg, can I come in?
06:33 No.
06:35 Now, I don't want to ask you for money.
06:39 That's a good instinct, Luanne.
06:41 Go on, honey.
06:42 They won't let me back in the Beauty Academy unless I pay them $300.
06:47 And I can't make $300 until I'm a rich and famous Hollywood makeup artist.
06:53 Yep. You got yourself a real catch-22 there. Good night.
06:59 Now, sir, I know we could never match Megalomart's prices,
07:05 but I thought maybe we could get ourselves a spokesperson the way Megalomart cashes in on Chuck Mangione's star power.
07:13 Now, I've done some research on this Zomfier fella,
07:17 and I found out he's sold more albums worldwide than the Beatles. His music's better, too.
07:23 Hank, it's too late. I've, uh, I've decided to shut down this branch of Strickland Propane.
07:30 What? No. Sir, you... We can't give up.
07:34 Hank, listen, I got four more branches to think about.
07:37 Sometimes you just gotta cut off a finger to save the hand. I gotta let you go.
07:42 You're firing me?
07:44 I can't even afford to give you a severance package, but, uh, you can have five minutes at the office supply cabinet.
07:52 Make a basket out of your shirt, honey.
07:57 (gunshot)
07:59 Take your damn batteries back! Take 'em back, bastards!
08:16 I don't want 'em. You can have 'em!
08:23 Boy, you get a lot of batteries for four bucks.
08:28 Mm! Bastards!
08:31 Dad, what about this big box of tissues?
08:40 Is it from Megalomart?
08:42 No, but it was touching something, that is.
08:45 Throw it out.
08:46 Well, folks, there is no chance in hell we are gonna lose this house,
08:49 because I have spent a lot of time thinking and preparing us for this exact moment.
08:54 You what?
08:55 Hank, I married you for better or for worse, so during the better, I planned for the worse.
09:01 I saved all our old curtains so that I could make some clothes for Bobby.
09:05 We will grow our own vegetables, and we'll eat carrots for dessert.
09:08 (gasp) I thought you said we were gonna be okay!
09:12 From now on, I'll be the breadwinner of the house.
09:16 Oh, not that you're the bread loser. We're all winners here.
09:20 Why is the Pope holding that gun?
09:33 That is not the Pope. It's Monsignor Martinez.
09:37 Ah!
09:41 Hmm. Wanted. One hard-working man to replace four who weren't.
09:47 Stop looking, you found him.
09:50 You'll notice that the door on your left is open.
09:52 And if you're not interested in making money, I want you to walk right out that door,
09:57 because this is not for you.
10:00 Can I just ask, what exactly are we selling?
10:03 That's a very good question.
10:06 You'll be selling opportunity.
10:09 With your initial investment of $300, you can make up to $60,000,
10:16 or as much as $200,000.
10:20 It's up to you.
10:22 You! You! You! You!
10:26 What's in the box?
10:28 All right, eager beaver, it's time for us to tell you.
10:31 Inside each of these boxes are 24 smaller boxes filled with dreams.
10:40 Oh, God, we're not selling steak knives, are we?
10:44 Uh, not we.
10:46 You! You! You! You! You!
10:50 Uncle Hank, what's a BTU?
10:55 British Thermal Unit.
10:57 Oh, so there's no bacon in it at all, then.
11:02 Luanne, I think you picked up the wrong book.
11:04 That's about propane.
11:06 I know.
11:08 I'm studying to be a propane salesman, just like you used to be, Uncle Hank.
11:14 That's a neat idea, Luanne.
11:16 While you're at it, maybe you can fly around the world in a weather balloon.
11:21 I can, too, get a job selling propane.
11:25 Buckley said he'd hire me at the Megalomart.
11:28 Megalomart? Why don't you just go down to hell and work for the devil?
11:33 Good thing that I don't have dangerous brain powers, or right now you'd be in a thousand little pieces.
11:40 I've answered 40 classified ads and I didn't get a single response.
11:47 Hey, man, I know how it is, man. You don't get old low down on the money, man.
11:50 You're just coming out of Bank of Boomhauer, man. You're gonna go to Little Cash Vance.
11:55 They ain't gonna additional charges when they apply, man.
11:57 Well, I appreciate that, but we're doing fine, thanks.
12:01 Peggy's landed some extra work as a notary public.
12:05 You got yourself a good man there, Hank.
12:09 Uh...
12:11 What did you just say, Bill?
12:19 Propane is...
12:21 A. Flammable.
12:23 B. Non-flammable.
12:26 C. All of the above.
12:29 Hmm...
12:30 Well, you can't eat propane, so...
12:34 For God's sakes, it's flammable!
12:37 I could have gotten that!
12:39 You would have never gotten that!
12:41 I'll go ahead!
12:43 Oh!
12:44 How could such a good cop become such a bad priest?
12:57 Well, I threw out my ethics and I notarized Bellmoth Rockmorton's will.
13:02 I hope those cats know how to run a toy store.
13:05 Honey, did you iron my blouse for tomorrow?
13:07 No, I don't know how to iron, and I don't want to learn.
13:10 Hank, we're all taking on extra responsibilities because of your...
13:14 Situation.
13:16 I'm trying, Peggy.
13:18 Don't be a try-baby, Hank. Be a do-baby.
13:21 Ladies, ladies, gentlemen!
13:28 Now we have a megalomar gas-propane at a mega-cheap price!
13:34 Come on, New-Anne!
13:36 No job, no Hollywood. You can do this.
13:39 Remember, BTU, British Thermal Unit.
13:43 No bacon, no bacon, no bacon.
13:45 I'm ready for the test, Buckley.
13:48 I just pushed everything out of my mind except propane.
13:52 But... and how did I get here?
13:55 You don't have to take the test now. I gave the job to somebody else.
14:07 So, I guess you think you're going to work right now,
14:11 off the soap propane and your fancy vest.
14:14 Hope you like walking, though.
14:16 Because I took your car keys, and I flushed them down the toilet!
14:21 New-Anne, have you seen my car keys?
14:26 So, you know something about propane?
14:32 I was assistant manager at Strickland Propane for 15 years.
14:37 Anyway, here's your tag. You gotta wear this at all times.
14:42 Hey!
14:44 Hey, this is Ron.
14:46 Uh, hello. I'm Mr. Hill. 15 years experience in propane.
14:52 Wow, that's amazing. Hey, you know what?
14:55 What?
14:56 Chicken butt.
14:57 You know what that means?
14:59 No, what?
15:00 Chicken butt.
15:02 You gotta stop saying "what".
15:04 Why?
15:05 Chicken thigh.
15:06 Okay, now you gotta put up some posters in the parking lot.
15:11 Chuck Mangione's giving a concert there next week.
15:14 But what? Uh, what? Uh... never mind.
15:18 Dad, I thought you hated Megalomart.
15:24 Oh, I do, son. I do indeed.
15:27 But you work in there.
15:29 That's right.
15:31 Are you still married to Mom?
15:34 Bobby, of course I am.
15:36 Mm-hmm. It's true, Bobby. He is.
15:38 You know, Hank, I think you should be happy about your new job.
15:42 You get to wear that smart little uniform,
15:45 and with the trainee badge you can make all kinds of mistakes.
15:48 It's like a get-out-of-jail-free card.
15:51 Well, now I feel great, Peggy. Thanks very much.
15:54 Let's all go dancing. What do you say?
15:56 Well, forgive me, Hank, but I am doing the best I can.
16:00 You have never failed before.
16:02 I don't know how to pity you without offending you.
16:05 I guess this means we're not going dancing.
16:11 Hey, Luanne. Uh, listen, I'm sorry I took that job you wanted, but you have to--
16:18 Sorry, I can't talk right now. I'm in the middle of a rehearsal.
16:22 I'm still betting on Feather Bottom the third,
16:26 and my boyfriend is going to give me a job at the Megalomart.
16:29 Eee-ya! Who is that?
16:32 I'm going to make him give it to me and ruin your life forever.
16:36 Eee-ya! Eee-ya!
16:39 Luanne.
16:40 Eee-ya! Eee-ya! Eee-ya!
16:43 Eee-ya!
16:46 [Guitar music]
16:49 Um, you work with Ron and Buckley in the propane department, right?
16:58 Well, I work in the propane department while Buckley and Ron watch me.
17:03 Um, can you find out if Ron likes Stephanie?
17:08 Stephanie, shut up!
17:10 Shut up!
17:11 Well, 'cause she wants to sit next to him during the Chuck Mangione concert.
17:15 Shut up!
17:17 [Laughter]
17:19 Well, I think I'll go try and find the grown-up break room. Ladies?
17:24 I think that old guy likes you.
17:27 Shut up! Shut up!
17:29 Hello, America loves Megalomart.
17:40 [Gunshot]
17:41 Don't take it too hard, Hill. After a while, you hardly miss the respect.
17:48 Mark McGimsey.
17:50 You mean the Mark McGimsey that owns just break drums?
17:53 He was down until Megalomart ran all of Main Street out of business.
17:58 Now I'm just working here in the automotive department, helping feed the beast that killed me.
18:03 Yep. The only place you can find a Main Street these days is in Disneyland.
18:09 Just try to buy a gun there.
18:11 Hey, you know a fella by the name of Ray Holliday?
18:15 Layaway Ray, sure. Used to go to his bait shop all the time.
18:19 So, there I was, bare-ass naked, sitting in a box of nightcrawlers.
18:25 Felt kind of funny, but it kept them alive through the night.
18:30 See, that's the kind of thing you can do when you own your own store.
18:34 Here, it's just one humiliation after another.
18:37 Oh, I'm mean to tell you that...
18:39 All right, break it up. Back to work.
18:41 And you, where's your trainee tag?
18:43 I won't wear it. I've had 20 years' experience. I'm not gonna take this.
18:47 And neither are we.
18:49 Oh? I guess I'll just have to fire you, then.
18:52 Buckley, what the hell are you doing?
19:02 You never, ever want to put stress on the valve. You'll cause a gas leak.
19:08 Hey, where were you?
19:10 You're supposed to set up Check Mangione's dressing room with sliced pears and 2% cottage cheese.
19:15 Where'd you forget that, too, Hank?
19:18 Trainees. You know how it is.
19:22 (footsteps)
19:24 So, what do you think?
19:37 I don't know, Hank. You're talking about an act of open rebellion.
19:40 Dang right I am.
19:42 They say America loves Megalomart.
19:45 And if we don't speak up, everyone will think it's true.
19:49 We've got to put an end to the silence while the whole world is watching.
19:54 If you want out, get out now.
19:56 As for the rest of us, we will be disrupting a Check Mangione concert.
20:02 With kazoos.
20:06 What kazoos, Hank?
20:08 Because they're portable, they're annoying, and Megalomart has 'em for three bucks a case.
20:15 We'll be just like Queer Nation.
20:18 Or the Boston Tea Party.
20:20 Yes, yes, the Boston Tea Party. Exactly.
20:24 Uncle Hank?
20:26 Yes?
20:27 I had a lot of time to think while I was unflushing Aunt Peggy's keys.
20:33 And I would like you to know that I'm not mad at you anymore for taking my job.
20:38 I was the better candidate.
20:40 Oh, sure, sure.
20:42 Um, can you give me a ride to the Megalomart in the morning?
20:47 I'm going to break up with Buckley.
20:49 As of tomorrow, your boss is no longer my boyfriend.
20:54 Why don't you get us a spot, Peggy?
21:05 I've got a little business to take care of.
21:08 I know, Hank. I saw your bag of kazoos, and I put two and two together.
21:12 After 15 years of teaching, I know a mutiny when I see one.
21:16 Don't try to stop me, Peggy.
21:18 Hank!
21:21 Yeah?
21:22 Remember, honey, to hum, not blow.
21:25 If you blow, it tears the wax paper.
21:28 I'll tell 'em.
21:31 [♪♪♪]
21:34 Hank, where's your kazoo?
21:49 I got something bigger in store for Mr. Charles Mangione.
21:55 [♪♪♪]
22:22 I'm breaking up with you. Do you know why?
22:25 Chicken thigh?
22:27 Don't make this harder than it already is.
22:31 [car horn honks]
22:41 How you doing, Arlen?
22:46 Are you ready to soft rock?
22:49 [cheering]
22:52 [car horn honks]
22:57 Huh?
23:00 Is that their new slogan?
23:07 [♪♪♪]
23:17 Huh?
23:19 Oh, no!
23:21 [explosion]
23:27 Hank!
23:38 [groans]
23:40 Buckley and Lou Anne are in there!
23:44 [indistinct radio chatter]
23:47 Sir, you are going to have to speak more slowly.
24:01 I cannot understand you.
24:03 [indistinct radio chatter]
24:10 [♪♪♪]
24:14 [♪♪♪]
24:18 [♪♪♪]
24:22 [♪♪♪]