Mathieu, ancien acteur, ancien escort et ancien chems**eur est venu nous parler de son parcours et de sa relation avec les différentes addictions qu'il a pu combattre durant sa vie. Aujourd'hui engagé dans la prévention et centré sur le développement personnel, il raconte les dérives de certaines pratiques et les dangers auxquels il a dû faire face, en passant par les fois où il aurait pu y laisser sa vie.
Retrouvez Mathieu sur instagram : https://www.instagram.com/mathieuferhati
et ici : https://www.instagram.com/regeneracio_paris/
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Retrouvez Mathieu sur instagram : https://www.instagram.com/mathieuferhati
et ici : https://www.instagram.com/regeneracio_paris/
Suivez O-Rigines le nouveau média qui s’intéresse à l’histoire des histoires.
Podcast : bit.ly/Origines_podcast
Youtube : https://www.youtube.com/@originesmedia
Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/origines.media
Twitter : https://twitter.com/Originesmedia
TikTok : https://www.tiktok.com/@originesmedia
Category
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AmusantTranscription
00:00 I have a habit of taking drugs to have sex, and it lasts several hours, sometimes a night or two days.
00:12 It's really about taking drugs and having sex.
00:18 In Hong Kong, I really discovered the game sex because I spent days, nights, sometimes days, nights,
00:25 sometimes more with clients.
00:27 I've increased my consumption of drugs, and I think I spent almost a week without sleeping,
00:37 and almost without eating either.
00:39 I ate ice cream because it was the only thing I could get to hydrate myself, and I could drink a little too.
00:45 So I'm not really on anything.
00:47 I had a sexuality that started very, very young.
00:50 I think I might have experienced things when I was younger, but my memories are very, very vague.
00:56 So it's a little complicated to reconstruct.
00:58 My cousin was also abused by this person.
01:00 I remember he was very tactful with me, but I remember spending afternoons with this person.
01:05 I still have a pretty good memory of childhood flashes, but the afternoons I spent with this person,
01:10 it's total darkness.
01:12 Until one day my brother called me crying to confess everything that had happened,
01:18 because he had never told anyone.
01:19 So at that moment, he asked me the question, and I answered no.
01:23 And then over the years, little pieces started to stick together.
01:28 So I tell myself that maybe there is, but I have no concrete proof.
01:32 I worked in the hospital, in the medical-judicial emergency department.
01:34 I spoke to psychiatrists on site.
01:37 I would have really explained concrete things.
01:40 For them, they think something happened.
01:44 To come back a little on my sexuality, I started with the girls, what I was looking for.
01:49 Then I was with the guys, the guys, the girls. I made a choice at some point.
01:53 And I focused more on the guys.
01:56 So I discovered gay places. At the time, there were no apps.
02:00 And I found it exceptional.
02:03 I had almost no sex life, and suddenly, I could do what I wanted, with whom I wanted,
02:09 as many times as I wanted.
02:11 I entered a bit into overconsumption, and I kept on having sex.
02:15 That's how I realized that I really had an addiction.
02:17 An addiction that I transformed over time with other addictions.
02:20 Finally, which is always an addiction to start over.
02:22 I was barely 20, 21 years old.
02:24 I had already lost my father from a disease.
02:27 It was a bit hardcore, still, in the end.
02:30 For me, addiction, in a way, is a problem.
02:32 Even today, I no longer have an addiction to drugs.
02:36 There is always another addiction. Sugar, sport.
02:38 There is always something that happens, in which we go all out to try to fill,
02:42 and not face the problem.
02:44 Then I grew up. I met a boy who was doing porn.
02:49 He put me on the track of a production.
02:52 I contacted them, and I started porn.
02:55 I really liked it.
02:57 I did it for 15, 16 years, I think.
03:00 During my first shoots, I met other porn actors,
03:03 who told me about escorting.
03:05 The definition for me of escorting,
03:07 is not at all the definition that people might think,
03:10 very idyllic, where you go on a date,
03:14 or just a meal, or an exhibition with someone.
03:17 It exists, it has already happened to me,
03:20 I would say, in 15 years, 10%, and maybe 5%.
03:24 We will speak vulgarly, in fact.
03:26 Guys, they call other guys for s***, by paying.
03:30 I admit that my first clients, it was a bit...
03:33 weird.
03:35 It was a bit like old perverts who were hitting on young people.
03:38 So, the first ones, it slowed me down a bit.
03:41 So, I didn't start again right away.
03:43 Well, then I started again, of course.
03:45 The escorting plans came much, much later.
03:48 I would say that during all these years of escorting,
03:50 I made some beautiful encounters.
03:52 But I never really experienced it as prostitution.
03:54 It was a choice for me to do escorting,
03:57 to "come back" at the end of the month,
03:59 and have a more pleasant life.
04:01 I decided when it started,
04:03 and I decided when it ended.
04:06 So, I must have been, I don't know, 20, 21, 22.
04:09 I started going out in Belgium, in nightclubs.
04:12 So, I started meeting dealers at parties,
04:15 who offered me drugs.
04:18 So, it was Ecstasy, MDMA.
04:21 Then I saw that it had taken a bit too much of a step on my life, once again.
04:24 So, I went to Marseille.
04:25 I was calm, because to find dealers,
04:27 despite everything we say on TV,
04:29 when you are once on site, it is still quite complicated to find dealers.
04:32 It's just a bit closed networks.
04:34 So, I was cut off from the scene,
04:37 more or less.
04:39 It was really very, very, very occasional.
04:42 And then, at some point, I got tired of Marseille.
04:45 I decided to go to Paris.
04:47 I was doing my cartons in Marseille,
04:49 and then, that day, I remember,
04:51 I was really not well, all day long.
04:52 I was thinking about my brother, all day long.
04:54 And I said to myself, "F***, I have to call my brother."
04:56 The day goes by,
04:57 I was in the middle of my cartons, I don't call him.
04:59 His concubine at the time, who calls me,
05:01 who was not well at all, and who says to me,
05:03 "Listen, your brother didn't go to pick up the kids from school."
05:06 "I'm sure something happened to him."
05:08 And at the time, she tells me that.
05:10 Everything I had felt that day, at that moment,
05:12 I know that something happened.
05:14 I started going around the emergency services.
05:16 They tell me, "No, nothing happened, nothing happened."
05:18 At some point, I run into an emergency service
05:20 who tells me, "Yes, there was an accident."
05:22 "It's the gendarmerie, and all that."
05:24 So I call, I start doing the gendarmerie.
05:26 I run into a gendarme on the phone, he tells me, "Who are you?"
05:28 I give him my name.
05:30 And he tells me, "Wait, I'll give you someone."
05:32 I say, "What's your name?"
05:34 "That's it, your brother died."
05:36 And then, I fell.
05:38 I have the same emotions that I have just talking about it.
05:44 I fell, I was at home.
05:46 My ex was upstairs.
05:48 He heard me scream, he came down.
05:50 And...
05:52 It's hard to get him out.
05:56 I thought, "Why wasn't it me?"
05:58 I had already done a test,
06:00 I think a year or two before,
06:02 which was failed.
06:04 Thank God, because I'm here today.
06:06 But at the time, it was really my will to finish it.
06:08 And I thought, "But why not me?"
06:12 And he was a father, he had children.
06:14 And I, who wanted to die,
06:16 I was still there,
06:18 and I had to face this guilt
06:20 because I had it deep inside.
06:22 So I faced this test.
06:24 I mean, I faced it.
06:26 I made a good impression to face this test,
06:28 which took more than 10 years, I think,
06:30 to start healing.
06:32 So I did everything I had to do.
06:34 I didn't have enough details.
06:36 It was in December, just before Christmas.
06:38 He came to give me gifts.
06:40 There were still gifts,
06:42 children in the car and everything.
06:44 It was really hardcore, what I went through.
06:46 And then I started clubbing again.
06:48 And then, actually,
06:50 I didn't face my problems at all.
06:52 And at that time, three months after arriving in Paris,
06:54 I met someone,
06:56 who stayed with me for five years, a narcissist.
06:58 He didn't help me at all in my mourning,
07:00 in my process to get better.
07:02 And he was consuming a lot of drugs.
07:04 I shared my life with this person for five years.
07:06 And then I really went out of my way.
07:08 I thought, "Well, actually,
07:10 you go out because you want to go out
07:12 and party, or you go out because you just
07:14 want an excuse to be able to have fun?"
07:16 I realized that the answer was just
07:18 that I just wanted to have fun.
07:20 I didn't want to live in mourning either.
07:22 At that moment, it was an escape,
07:24 because we feel so good in this fake world,
07:26 that we build ourselves.
07:28 And then at some point,
07:30 we realize that we live a little more
07:32 in the fake world than in the real world.
07:34 Today, all of this is wasted time.
07:36 For me, I really didn't want that anymore.
07:38 It wasn't going at all in my personal life
07:40 because I was always with this narcissist.
07:42 I said, "Yeah, stop.
07:44 It's over. Let's stop.
07:46 What do you want?"
07:48 I want to travel. I traveled.
07:50 I went a little bit everywhere in the world.
07:52 During this trip,
07:54 I went to Asia, to Hong Kong.
07:56 I knew that when I went there,
07:58 the clients called the escorts,
08:00 but I had to consume with them.
08:02 When I arrived in Hong Kong,
08:04 that's when it really started for me.
08:06 The cancer.
08:08 We take drugs to have sex,
08:10 and it lasts several hours.
08:12 Sometimes,
08:14 one night or two days.
08:16 It's really the fact
08:18 of taking drugs
08:20 and of having sex.
08:22 We are completely unbound.
08:24 We have a certain confidence
08:26 that settles.
08:28 I spent days, nights,
08:30 sometimes days, nights,
08:32 sometimes more with clients.
08:34 Well, no one put a gun
08:36 on my temple
08:38 to force me to consume.
08:40 But I think that in a way,
08:42 the stupidity of man
08:44 made that I...
08:46 It was quite a considerable amount
08:48 of money.
08:50 To have clients who consume
08:52 for a night,
08:54 it's not the same as a night rate
08:56 for an hour.
08:58 I think I really saw the human measure.
09:00 I have a person in mind
09:02 who lived there,
09:04 who had his business
09:06 and who didn't leave his house.
09:08 They called escorts H24,
09:10 they consumed H24.
09:12 He had dogs,
09:14 he didn't even leave his house.
09:16 So we isolate ourselves
09:18 little by little.
09:20 And the more we consume,
09:22 the more we want to consume.
09:24 The less we sleep,
09:26 the more we become "toc toc".
09:28 Obviously, sleep deprivation
09:30 drives you crazy.
09:32 I saw myself having hallucinations,
09:34 frankly unpleasant things.
09:36 I think there was the risk
09:38 where I was simply putting myself in danger.
09:40 Me, my body, my life
09:42 simply in danger.
09:44 I think it was really
09:46 daily.
09:48 I accentuated even more my drug consumption.
09:50 I think at some point
09:52 I did almost
09:54 a week without sleeping.
09:56 And almost without eating too.
09:58 I ate ice cream
10:00 because it was the only thing I could do
10:02 to hydrate myself and I could drink a little too.
10:04 So I didn't have much.
10:06 In my head,
10:08 I had such pressure.
10:10 It had become so much.
10:12 Whether it was relationships,
10:14 my life, the gang,
10:16 I thought to myself, "Consume!"
10:18 And at some point your body will let go.
10:20 So I continued to consume.
10:22 I consumed, I consumed.
10:24 It was really summer, whatever.
10:26 What I'm going to describe at that moment
10:28 is the feeling of being at the bottom of a well.
10:30 There was a part of me
10:32 that said to myself at that moment
10:34 "Your body hasn't let go."
10:36 So now what are you going to do?
10:38 You have to find a concrete solution.
10:40 The situation I was in,
10:42 at the bottom of this well,
10:44 when I looked up, I said
10:46 "Wow, there's no light."
10:48 I have the impression at that moment,
10:50 I don't know if my friends and family
10:52 realized it,
10:54 it's complicated to approach,
10:56 to want to manage.
10:58 Maybe people tell me, "It's not up to me to manage that."
11:00 I don't know.
11:02 At that moment, I said to myself, "I have to do something."
11:04 And as part of the escort, I met one of my clients
11:06 who had known me for a very long time.
11:08 He saw me and said, "You're not doing well at all."
11:10 I said, "No, I'm not."
11:12 And I started to unpack my bag.
11:14 He said, "I have someone for you to meet.
11:16 You'll see.
11:18 She's going to do a miracle."
11:20 I honestly didn't believe it.
11:22 I said to myself, "No matter how far I am,
11:24 I can try anything."
11:26 Because when you're really at the bottom of this well,
11:28 you're ready to grab everything
11:30 to try to go back up a little.
11:32 This person was a shaman,
11:34 an energetician.
11:36 So I made an appointment.
11:38 I was already open about all this.
11:40 Some people didn't believe me at all.
11:42 In any case, it worked out very well for me.
11:44 I was still in the consumer world at the time.
11:46 And I still remember
11:48 because I had been consuming all night.
11:50 I missed the appointment.
11:52 I was drunk and I missed the thing.
11:54 And I wasn't feeling well.
11:56 So I called her and sent her a message.
11:58 She's a shaman, intuitive.
12:00 She's very, very, very connected.
12:02 She said, "No problem. Come back in two hours."
12:04 In two hours.
12:06 I said, "Yes!"
12:08 Because honestly, at that moment,
12:10 I was really not well.
12:12 In terms of emotions, I was really
12:14 to live.
12:16 So I go to this appointment.
12:18 I tell her my story.
12:20 And I'm tired of it because
12:22 I really only attract bad people in my life.
12:24 And she said to me, "I'll stop you right now.
12:26 You don't attract anyone.
12:28 You're not a magnet."
12:30 She said, "On the other hand, you go to this kind of person."
12:32 And that's what you have to correct.
12:34 And then, poof!
12:36 I got a real slap in the face.
12:38 Because I thought,
12:40 "All the psychiatrists I've seen so far,
12:42 the psychiatrists, the psychologists
12:44 who have been useless."
12:46 I'm not saying they're useless.
12:48 I'm just saying that it didn't suit me.
12:50 And she, just with this thing,
12:52 I said, "Oh yeah, okay."
12:54 The mess is done.
12:56 The tone is given.
12:58 And in fact, this first session,
13:00 I talked to her.
13:02 And she put her finger on it every time.
13:04 Every time I said something,
13:06 she put her finger on what I was saying.
13:08 She took layers off.
13:10 She took layers and layers and layers.
13:12 And she had a hell of a lot of layers on me.
13:14 At that moment, I said to myself,
13:16 "Okay, let's go.
13:18 Now we're going to do a self-assessment."
13:20 So I did my care.
13:22 I'm not saying I stopped consuming,
13:24 because that's not true.
13:26 Which is not good, because I should have stopped consuming.
13:28 I couldn't lie to her.
13:30 I was taking care of myself.
13:32 I was consuming a little less.
13:34 A little less and a little less.
13:36 And a little less, by becoming more aware.
13:38 And by doing work, especially on me,
13:40 in relation to the wounds of the past.
13:42 Making peace with a lot of things.
13:44 And then I would say that it worked pretty well.
13:46 As soon as we're in a real process
13:48 of getting better,
13:50 in a real process of stopping,
13:52 I'm going to tell myself, "It's to stop."
13:54 So even if there are failures,
13:56 it's impossible.
13:58 No one can stop the day after
14:00 a snap of the fingers.
14:02 I did it, but there were failures.
14:04 I said it, there were failures.
14:06 I analyzed it, I weighed the pros and cons.
14:08 Yes, there was only cons.
14:10 So I took the pros and I kept moving forward.
14:12 As I learned to tame,
14:14 to dose,
14:16 I completely changed my habits.
14:18 It's very, very, very important.
14:20 You can't stop consuming
14:22 by telling yourself,
14:24 "It's okay,
14:26 I know my boyfriend is consuming too.
14:28 I'm going to make it."
14:30 It's impossible.
14:32 That's what happened to me during my failures.
14:34 I wanted to say no.
14:36 You say no once, twice,
14:38 and it works so much inside that at the end
14:40 you say, "It's okay, I'll take a job,
14:42 it's not death."
14:44 Yes, because in the end,
14:46 it's not death, but yes,
14:48 because it's a whole job that we put forward
14:50 that just for two hours of excitement,
14:52 we screw everything up.
14:54 I really learned to deal with it.
14:56 And as it went on, it faded away.
14:58 I started consuming again a little bit.
15:00 And in fact, I said, "No,
15:02 you're not doing all the work
15:04 behind it to screw everything up like that."
15:06 So now, stop, stop.
15:08 So I stopped consuming.
15:10 And what happened in March 2020?
15:12 COVID arrived.
15:14 And it arrived just in time.
15:16 Because I was really very unstable.
15:18 It caught me.
15:20 "You, get out of there."
15:22 And so I went to my mother's for three months.
15:24 I locked myself in with her for three months.
15:26 We really saw no one,
15:28 not even the family, because I was freaked out.
15:30 And then I started to get more and more connected.
15:32 I really did a lot of work during those three months on me.
15:34 So I got out of COVID.
15:36 I had to go back to Paris, of course.
15:38 I'm not saying it was a complete success,
15:40 the return to Paris,
15:42 because I fell back into the drug again,
15:44 but I didn't quit.
15:46 I didn't quit.
15:48 Not with the new people,
15:50 but with the clients.
15:52 And so I said to myself,
15:54 "There's something wrong here, again."
15:56 "Stop, that's not what I want, really not."
15:58 So, okay,
16:00 now what I'm going to do is avoid
16:02 people who take drugs.
16:04 And that's more what I want, actually.
16:06 So I went home and I had kept all the equipment
16:08 necessary to smoke, etc.
16:10 And I took everything, I threw everything in the trash.
16:12 I said, "Stop, it's over."
16:14 On my way home, I came back and I thought,
16:16 "Now that it's going a little better,
16:18 what are you going to do with your life?"
16:20 I'm not going to be a porn actor all my life.
16:22 I'm not going to do skirting all my life.
16:24 Knowing that I've always been
16:26 in a relationship of help
16:28 and empathy with people.
16:30 And I met someone who has become a friend now,
16:32 who was a sophrologist.
16:34 And so we talked about sophrology,
16:36 and I said to myself, "Yeah, that's great, actually."
16:38 I think that's what I want to do.
16:40 I had never done a sophro.
16:42 I had always heard of sophro,
16:44 so I signed up at the Académie de Paris.
16:46 And so I started my sophro course three years ago.
16:48 I've been a sophrologist for a little over a year.
16:50 And all this to come back to the point
16:52 that I told myself that my story,
16:54 and that everything I've experienced
16:56 is something that was inevitable.
16:58 All this story, everything that happened to me,
17:00 is my strength now.
17:02 I'm going to do my best,
17:04 and I'm going to really do my best
17:06 to be able to help people
17:08 who may not have this strength,
17:10 or who don't have friends,
17:12 or family to help them,
17:14 or who don't know what to do.
17:16 Or who, just by looking at my testimonies,
17:18 will say to themselves,
17:20 "Well, yeah, okay, we've always seen testimonies
17:22 where they show the consumers the finger,
17:24 but actually, okay, he liked it,
17:26 but he got out of it too."
17:28 And it's possible to get out of it.
17:30 It's absolutely possible to stop
17:32 consuming products.
17:34 The basis of everything is willpower and resilience.
17:36 That's all.
17:38 Consciousness, we mobilize it as we want.
17:40 If we're determined,
17:42 and we have such a strong resilience,
17:44 and in our heads we know
17:46 we don't want to,
17:48 I think it's really...
17:50 Maybe it's not true what I'm saying.
17:52 I'm not a doctor.
17:54 Maybe I'm a case in its own right.
17:56 I don't think there are other people in my case.
17:58 I stopped smoking.
18:00 It's been two years,
18:02 since I've been out of the house.
18:04 Not because I wanted to stop,
18:06 because the desire was still there,
18:08 but because it was really a problem.
18:10 So I took it upon myself,
18:12 and I thought, maybe in life,
18:14 you have to know how to put things aside.
18:16 And also because I have a paternity project
18:18 that is in progress,
18:20 and so I thought,
18:22 "Do you see yourself going out
18:24 with kids at home?"
18:26 Well, no, actually.
18:28 So, okay, you can put that aside.
18:30 I had already stopped skirting
18:32 at almost the same time as porn.
18:34 I'm talking a lot about the subjects
18:36 that I'm interested in,
18:38 because everything that is associative,
18:40 I still haven't found the association
18:42 I want to be in,
18:44 but it's something I also have in mind,
18:46 to fight for in an association,
18:48 whether it's for serophobia,
18:50 for everything related to drugs.
18:52 I had in mind, in particular, AIDS,
18:54 because I talk a lot with them.
18:56 I want to help others.
18:58 I would like to turn to the LGBT community
19:00 to alleviate the problem of drug use.
19:02 In relation to the whole transsexual population,
19:04 I started studying sociology,
19:06 and very soon, hypnosis,
19:08 with the goal of opening my office
19:10 at the beginning of next year,
19:12 before the arrival of my children.
19:14 For me, helping is really important.
19:16 I'm someone who assumes everything he does,
19:18 so I tell myself,
19:20 "It's a strength,
19:22 there aren't a lot of people who do it."
19:24 It's almost a duty,
19:26 for me, to help others.
19:28 I think that's really it.
19:30 Am I happy?
19:32 For me, the answer is very abstract.
19:34 I'm happy, I'm happy.
19:36 I would say that some days, yes.
19:38 Most of the time, yes.
19:40 But I still have teeth,
19:42 I think I'll have them until the end of my life.
19:44 And I tell myself that I'll have the answer
19:46 when I have my children.