Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) is a 1972 American sex comedy anthology film directed by Woody Allen.
Seven segments related to one another only in that they all purport to be based on sections of the book by David Reuben. The segments range from "Do Aphrodisiacs Work?" in which a court jester gives an aphrodisiac to the Queen and is, in the end, beheaded to "What Happens During Ejaculation?" in which we watch "control central" during a successful seduction.
Seven segments related to one another only in that they all purport to be based on sections of the book by David Reuben. The segments range from "Do Aphrodisiacs Work?" in which a court jester gives an aphrodisiac to the Queen and is, in the end, beheaded to "What Happens During Ejaculation?" in which we watch "control central" during a successful seduction.
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CortometraggiTrascrizione
00:01:00We're all alone, no chaperone can get our number The world's in slumber, let's misbehave
00:01:26There's something wild about you, child, that's so contagious
00:01:31Let's be outrageous, let's misbehave
00:01:36When Adam won Eve's hand, he wouldn't stand for teasing
00:01:41He didn't care about those apples out of season
00:01:45They say the spring means just one thing to little lovebirds
00:01:50We're not above birds, let's misbehave
00:01:56Let's misbehave
00:02:26Let's misbehave.
00:02:33If you'd be just so sweet and only meet your great dear,
00:02:38it would be the great event of 1928, dear.
00:02:43Let's misbehave.
00:02:52Let's misbehave.
00:03:12Let's misbehave.
00:03:29Well.
00:03:32Our most excellent feast.
00:03:34Yeah.
00:03:35Very good.
00:03:37Soon we will retire to the Royal Bedchamber.
00:03:40But first, as I have been victorious this week in battle,
00:03:47I wish to be amused.
00:03:48Bring me my food.
00:04:00Good evening, Your Majesty.
00:04:01It's great to be back here at the palace.
00:04:03You know what the palace is?
00:04:04That's 24 living rooms and a dungeon.
00:04:10But seriously, I love the king.
00:04:12He's one of the strongest men here, isn't he?
00:04:14He's the only one amongst us that can swim the moat lengthwise.
00:04:18Seriously.
00:04:21I know you're out there.
00:04:22I can hear you breathing.
00:04:24But seriously, ladies and germs,
00:04:26I want to say that that plague is really something, isn't it?
00:04:30Doesn't everything look black?
00:04:33Of course, it's a black plague.
00:04:36Save it up and let me hear it at the end.
00:04:38Big.
00:04:39And I love the new exercise His Majesty does to keep in shape.
00:04:43It's called taxing the peasants.
00:04:49Seriously, the best thing...
00:04:51I can't stand it any longer.
00:04:54He's not funny.
00:04:57I've cut men in half for making jokes as bad as that.
00:05:00But, sire...
00:05:01Get me a fool who's funny!
00:05:04The feast is over.
00:05:06Not funny.
00:05:08Go on out, out, out.
00:05:11I do a couple of impressions that you might like.
00:05:13You know, I'm one of the few guys that can do the king of France.
00:05:16Not his voice, his walk.
00:05:17You know, sometimes, if you haven't noticed,
00:05:19he'll have that funny motion when he walks, you know, a little bit to the side.
00:05:22He's got a kind of...
00:05:24Don't everybody burst into spontaneous applause on this.
00:05:47Hey, look where you're going, you fool.
00:05:49Forgive me, madam, I beg your puberty.
00:05:51I dare not, for thou hast dropped the royal rubies and emeralds on floor.
00:05:54Yes, I feign.
00:05:55Which pick it up and which pin it and feign well on thy feign.
00:05:57I pin?
00:05:58Yes, extend thy feign, madam.
00:06:00And I dare for on the knocker it hangs perfect.
00:06:03Knock?
00:06:04Didst I feel all right?
00:06:05Or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?
00:06:10Oh, madam, not I.
00:06:11Surely would never lay my hands on the royal tomatoes in mixed company.
00:06:15Tomatoes?
00:06:16Hearken to me.
00:06:17If my husband the king and my son the doctor
00:06:19appear upon these paved paths and heareth what thou sayest about copying a feel,
00:06:23thy life would not be worth a plugged nickel.
00:06:25But, madam, so beautiful do they lay there, one on either side.
00:06:28Either side? That's the way they were made.
00:06:30A matched set.
00:06:37I fell on my bells.
00:06:41TB or not TB.
00:06:46That is the congestion.
00:06:49Can an assumption be done about it?
00:06:52Of cough, of cough.
00:06:55Oh, Jesus.
00:06:57My jokes grow stale.
00:06:59Why would my life take for a bare bodkin?
00:07:03If only I could see the queen's bare bodkin.
00:07:06Or anybody's bare bodkin, for that matter.
00:07:09Or a bodkin with a little close on it, even.
00:07:12I'm so melancholy.
00:07:15Guildenstern and Rosencrantz are dead.
00:07:17Their tailor shop is closed.
00:07:21Who calls my name?
00:07:25No one knows I'm here, not even my service.
00:07:29I am the ghost of thy father.
00:07:34My father.
00:07:36You who died in childbirth.
00:07:39I cannot rest unless thee makes it with the queen.
00:07:45But she is a queen and I am a base-born fool.
00:07:49I can't screw above my station.
00:07:52You must know, my son,
00:07:55that thy uncle, thy father,
00:07:59put him up in my ear.
00:08:03Why?
00:08:05Don't ask me why.
00:08:08He does that with everybody.
00:08:11Whenever he sees and hears.
00:08:15He likes to pour hemlock in it.
00:08:20Father.
00:08:22He, the sorcerer, my son.
00:08:26The sorcerer.
00:08:29The sorcerer.
00:08:33He's gone.
00:08:35Do I dare sleep with the queen?
00:08:37And will she sleep with me?
00:08:39Although she sleeps with the king and he wears leotards.
00:08:43The sorcerer.
00:08:46Ah, an aphrodisiac.
00:08:52Do you want a soft one?
00:08:55A strong one?
00:08:57Or one that will...
00:09:01Hard like anything I can get without a prescription.
00:09:06This place softly,
00:09:10in the queen's drink,
00:09:12will make her blood boil.
00:09:15Her passion unbridled.
00:09:19Lustful.
00:09:21In other words...
00:09:22The hots for me.
00:09:26Exactly.
00:09:28But be cautious.
00:09:30For if his majesty should get wind of thy intent,
00:09:34he will cut off your legs,
00:09:38your arms and your head.
00:09:42Well, five out of six is not bad.
00:09:45Now go.
00:09:47Yes.
00:09:49I think your eggs are done.
00:10:00Halt! Who goes there?
00:10:01It's just the fool.
00:10:02What business have you near the royal chamber, fool?
00:10:04I was just bringing her majesty her orange juice.
00:10:07But why you? Where is her usual servant?
00:10:09He lies ill on the kitchen floor with the pox.
00:10:12Terrible pox all over his socks and...
00:10:14Get thee hence, fool.
00:10:15Yes, I'm getting hence, getting hence.
00:10:17Immediately, I...
00:10:19Do you like the way I fool these guys?
00:10:36Hey, fool, what dost thou in my chamber?
00:10:38Oh, madam, I fell by, for perchance you might like a drink,
00:10:41a nice soothing potion.
00:10:43Ay, well, I do confess a thirst brings to me.
00:10:46Just wouldst grab some of this potion before the fizz goes out.
00:10:50Isn't it wonderful?
00:10:51It bubbleth greatly.
00:10:53Wolf's them down, the lady.
00:10:55Cheerst.
00:10:56And Robert.
00:11:04It go down bubblest, but it's fine.
00:11:09Take'st away.
00:11:13Well, have to go back now to the dungeon, the...
00:11:17Get a deposit on the goblet.
00:11:21Wait, fool, come here.
00:11:23I have o'er me this extraordinary warmth that is flowing through my veins
00:11:29that makes me wish ne'er longst thou should run amuck over my entire body
00:11:35and make love to me now.
00:11:36Ravage me and take me now.
00:11:37Take me.
00:11:38It'll be my pleasure.
00:11:39Take me now to the bed.
00:11:40To the bed.
00:11:41And make love to me now.
00:11:42Yes, to the bed.
00:11:43Lead me there, fool.
00:11:44Yes, I am.
00:11:45For this passion groweth within me.
00:11:47Right, right, come quickly.
00:11:48I cannot walk fast, fool.
00:11:51My passion is secret.
00:11:52Right, get right into the bed.
00:11:53I hast to the bed.
00:11:55Wait over here.
00:11:59The potion will be under the pillow,
00:12:01so in case you lose your hops, we can refurbish them.
00:12:04I can't talk.
00:12:06Oh, God, round thy hands upon my body.
00:12:08I shall, and I shall reel on your brakes.
00:12:13Nay, I needs the feel of naked flesh against flesh.
00:12:16I'm all out of naked flesh.
00:12:18What will the velvet do?
00:12:19No.
00:12:20Kiss me quick.
00:12:21Yes, where is your quick?
00:12:24Can't undress me now.
00:12:25Kiss my own arm.
00:12:28I'll quickly, and I will remove the royal dress.
00:12:32Oh, God, no, no, no.
00:12:34Oh, God.
00:12:35Oh, God's takes dark pulse not upon me, sir.
00:12:39Are my feet full?
00:12:41This is not mockery.
00:12:42This is not games.
00:12:43Ah!
00:12:44Oh, God.
00:12:45Oh, God.
00:12:46Oh, God.
00:12:48Out at last.
00:12:49What, what is this?
00:12:51Heavy underwear.
00:12:52Ah!
00:12:53Tis the chastity built that the jealous king hath fastened on me
00:12:56that no man but him shalt have the goods of the body.
00:13:00It's a bad break for all of us here at the palace.
00:13:03Yes, yes, yes.
00:13:04Wait, wait here.
00:13:05I will go.
00:13:09Here, now, with most grievous dispatch,
00:13:11I will open the latch and get to her snatch.
00:13:17Which eye?
00:13:18Right, hold.
00:13:19There?
00:13:20These two?
00:13:21Too big for that lock.
00:13:23Just, just, perhaps.
00:13:28Sorry about that.
00:13:33I must think of something quickly,
00:13:34because before you know it the renaissance will be here
00:13:36and we'll all be painting.
00:13:38Right.
00:13:39Very soon.
00:13:43Her Majesty wishes to bottle this.
00:13:45What?
00:13:46Yes, she has some food stuck between her teeth.
00:13:48What?
00:13:49to bottle this. What? Yes, she has some food stuck between her teeth and I need
00:13:52to pull it out. Forgive me, Hale.
00:13:56This is what I call beaver shooting.
00:14:11No. Yes.
00:14:18Yes. Pick this lock.
00:14:20There. I did.
00:14:27Please, come. Yes.
00:14:29I know I'm yours. At last, the portals of ecstasy.
00:14:32You have got portals of ecstasy, haven't you? Be prepared, his majesty has this day been
00:14:36awakened from his nap by a loud banging. Be prepared, his majesty has this day been
00:14:40awakened from his nap by a loud banging. He will cleave thee in twain.
00:14:44Yes, cleave me in twain. Twain over here and the other twain on the other side of the room.
00:14:49Why, on honest chopping block. Yes, I do not look good in twain.
00:14:53My suits are all made for a whole person. He, that I shall not have this passion fulfilled.
00:14:58Well, quickly, lock up the thing that you have there, lock the royal box.
00:15:03Quickly, quickly, go on. Help me, help me.
00:15:07I'm helping. I, I, it is done, it is done.
00:15:10It is perfect, lock, solid, more solid than any.
00:15:14My hand is caught in the chastity belt. I always get my hand in the cookie jar,
00:15:19so that we approach. What else do we do?
00:15:22The king. Aye.
00:15:25Yes, quickly, quickly, into the dress, immediately.
00:15:30My queen, where is my queen?
00:15:33Very casual, as though nothing had happened.
00:15:35Be still. Oh, my queen.
00:15:38Her most dreadful pounding did awaken me, making my mood most foul.
00:15:44Oh, my lord, it did startle me. Aye, my lord.
00:15:47Be a good, keen witch thou, and run down and get me a drink of water.
00:15:51The fool hath been most jestfully quipping in thine absence.
00:15:54Aye, my lord, tickling the royal funny bone, so to speak.
00:15:57Aye, because you see that it is most lonely when thou nappest.
00:16:01Aye, my lord, for me too.
00:16:03I still don't think he's funny.
00:16:07I've got some new ones for you, my lord.
00:16:10What's black and white, black and white, black and white, and black and white?
00:16:13A nun falling down the stairs.
00:16:19Come, give me a kiss. Of course, my lord, stick out your tongue.
00:16:22Not you. There, threesome. Be gone, then.
00:16:26Leave him. I will accompany thee to the door.
00:16:31At last, at last, we are alone.
00:16:35Aye, my lord, lay near me.
00:16:37My lord, I wouldn't...
00:16:39My lord.
00:16:41Where?
00:16:43I'll see if I can find the key where it is.
00:16:46Ah, here it is.
00:16:49Ah, here it is.
00:17:13Tickles.
00:17:16Oh.
00:17:23Aye, my lord.
00:17:25Remember if you said that if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?
00:17:33I don't know what everybody's getting so upset for. I never humped her, you know.
00:17:39Just clean up my neck a little. Leave the top full.
00:17:46Do, do, do, do, do.
00:17:48Do, do, do, do, do, do.
00:18:15Ah.
00:18:33Give me a good ah.
00:18:35Ah.
00:18:37Down this side of my arm, mostly at night.
00:18:39I don't notice it much in the daytime, but at night it bothers me.
00:18:43How far? I don't want to hurt you, but how far up can you raise it?
00:18:46Mr. Milos, would you come with me, please?
00:18:54Come in, Mr. Milos. Come in. Sit down right over here.
00:18:57I just want to get some history on you first.
00:19:02So.
00:19:04Your name is?
00:19:06Stavros Milos.
00:19:07And your address?
00:19:09Armenia.
00:19:10Armenia.
00:19:11I am from Armenia. I am visiting my brother.
00:19:14I see.
00:19:15Um, occupation?
00:19:18Shepherd.
00:19:19A shepherd?
00:19:20My whole family, except for my brother over here, who is a rug salesman.
00:19:25Have you had any major illnesses?
00:19:28None.
00:19:29None. Good.
00:19:31So.
00:19:33Now, what seems to be the trouble?
00:19:36I'm in love with a sheep.
00:19:38I beg your pardon?
00:19:40I am in love with a sheep.
00:20:06Oh, I see.
00:20:08See, doctor, up there in the mountains where I tend my flocks, it's so beautiful under the starry skies.
00:20:14And I am alone. And sometimes it gets so lonely.
00:20:18And the hours pass.
00:20:20And soon I desire a woman.
00:20:22But, doctor, there are no women.
00:20:24I'm not married and...
00:20:27Well, one night last summer, I could stand it no longer.
00:20:33My body needed to be satisfied.
00:20:36And then, I saw her.
00:20:39Her?
00:20:40Daisy.
00:20:42Sheep.
00:20:43I took Daisy off to a little cove.
00:20:46And there, under the Armenian sky, had sexual intercourse.
00:20:54With the sheep?
00:20:56Naturally.
00:21:02Oh, God.
00:21:05It was the greatest lay I ever had.
00:21:10Mr. Milos, forgive me if I seemed at all shocked. I'm sorry.
00:21:17Doctor, Mrs. Goldblatt is on the phone about her rupture.
00:21:20Later. Later.
00:21:24Mr. Milos.
00:21:27Of course, I'm happy for the two of you.
00:21:30But I do have other patients.
00:21:34And unless there's some specific way that I could help you...
00:21:40Doctor, doctor, please. One minute.
00:21:43See, the point is, she no longer loves me.
00:21:48That's why I'm here.
00:21:50Because she's fallen out of love with me.
00:21:54How can you tell that?
00:21:56Oh, little things.
00:21:58She's cold, indifferent.
00:22:02Speak to her. She'll listen to you.
00:22:05Mr. Milos, you are crazy.
00:22:10I brought her all the way from Armenia.
00:22:13My brother says you are a great doctor. You saved his life once.
00:22:16You need a psychiatrist. I am a medical doctor.
00:22:20Speak to her, please.
00:22:23I can't talk to a sheep. Are you nuts?
00:22:26She's outside in my brother's truck.
00:22:28Would you get out of my office, please?
00:22:30I'm an MD. I'm not a veterinarian.
00:22:32I'll bring her in.
00:22:33Don't bring any sheep in this office. My mother just got finished paying for it.
00:22:37Doctor, I'm a simple man. I know no great men of wisdom.
00:22:40My brother says you are a great man.
00:22:42I'm not. I'm just an ordinary GP. That's all I am.
00:22:45I'll get her.
00:22:46No, Mr. Milos. What you don't understand, it's not normal...
00:22:50to experience mature love for anything with four legs.
00:22:54Wait till you meet her.
00:22:56I don't believe this.
00:23:01I can't. I can't.
00:23:03I'm sorry. I can't.
00:23:05Would you sit down? Would you sit down, Mrs.
00:23:08I can't. I'll talk to...
00:23:13Dr. Ross, this is Daisy.
00:23:16Good.
00:23:18Why don't you take her right into my office?
00:23:22I'll talk to her.
00:23:24Good.
00:23:26Why don't you take her right into my office?
00:23:30You'll have to excuse me. The sheep has...
00:23:34a strep throat.
00:23:40Mr. Milos, I'm going to have to call the police.
00:23:43Can we talk for a minute? Mr. Milos, don't put that sheep on my desk.
00:23:46Please. You shouldn't do that.
00:23:49You shouldn't do that.
00:23:50Isn't Daisy beautiful?
00:23:52Yes, she is beautiful.
00:23:54Mr. Milos, you're a very nice man.
00:23:57I don't want to see you get into any trouble.
00:23:59What I don't think you understand is that...
00:24:03you have a psychiatric problem.
00:24:08You really need to see...
00:24:11someone in the psychiatry field.
00:24:15I'm a medical doctor.
00:24:23I know you didn't...
00:24:25mean any harm...
00:24:27bringing this sheep in here, but...
00:24:31I have patients, you know.
00:24:33Kidney problems and...
00:24:37heart problems and...
00:24:39seeing a sheep just like that, it's...
00:24:47Hello, Daisy.
00:24:50Hello, Daisy.
00:24:53She's...
00:24:57I'm...
00:24:59I'm Dr. Ross.
00:25:02Doug Ross.
00:25:09She's...
00:25:19Um...
00:25:21Mr. Milos, I, uh...
00:25:25I'd like to see the two of you again, but...
00:25:29right now, you know, my office is jammed full.
00:25:33Oh, I knew you could help.
00:25:35I knew... Thank you, doctor.
00:25:37As a matter of fact, uh...
00:25:39if I could see Daisy alone...
00:25:42maybe, you know, I...
00:25:44Anything. Anything.
00:25:49Anything.
00:25:56Darling, what's the matter?
00:25:58Nothing.
00:26:00I'm just a little tired, that's all.
00:26:03Why don't you turn in early, then, hmm?
00:26:16What are you doing?
00:26:18You're not doing just nothing. You were fondling your lambswool sweater.
00:26:24I was not fondling my lambswool sweater.
00:26:28What would I do something like that for?
00:26:31Well, God knows.
00:26:39Doctor...
00:26:41Mr. Milos brought in his sheep.
00:26:44She's here?
00:26:49All right, show her in.
00:27:13You can... You can go.
00:27:19Hi.
00:27:22Darling.
00:27:25I know this must all seem very strange to you.
00:27:30You from the hills of Armenia, and me from Jackson Heights,
00:27:34and yet...
00:27:36I think it could work...
00:27:38if we gave it a chance.
00:27:41I...
00:27:43I...
00:27:46If we gave it a chance...
00:27:57Room, please.
00:28:05Thank you very much.
00:28:07Wait a second.
00:28:10Here you are.
00:28:13Oh, uh...
00:28:15Do you want the Do Not Disturb sign on the door?
00:28:18Oh, that's all right.
00:28:20Uh, all right, yes.
00:28:23Thank you very much.
00:28:30Uh, room service, this is Dr. Ross in room 525.
00:28:34I would like to have some chilled white burgundy,
00:28:38a little caviar,
00:28:40and some grass.
00:28:42Oh, just plain green grass.
00:28:48That's 525.
00:28:57Daisy.
00:28:59Little Daisy.
00:29:03Let's be gentle.
00:29:11I'm, uh...
00:29:13I can't...
00:29:15I'm exhausted.
00:29:17Just...
00:29:28Boy.
00:29:30That was really something.
00:29:34I never thought it could be like this.
00:29:38Never in my wildest imagination.
00:29:43You're really something special.
00:29:46I love our L-shaped room.
00:29:50I'll never forget these afternoons we've had.
00:29:55I don't think I've ever known such peace and happiness in my life.
00:30:01I hope you feel the same way.
00:30:07I love you.
00:30:19Sorry. I'm sorry, honey. I was out when you phoned.
00:30:22Emergency house call.
00:30:24Mmm, you smell good.
00:30:27Darling.
00:30:29Hmm?
00:30:30Is it my imagination, or do you always smell from lamb chops?
00:30:34What do you mean, lamb chops?
00:30:36What kind of silly thing is that to say about lamb chops?
00:30:39How could I possibly smell lamb chops? It's not logical.
00:30:43What kind of cheap suit is this?
00:30:46That's it with these suits.
00:30:50Mom?
00:31:02Ann! Wait a minute, I can explain. We're just friends.
00:31:06How could you?
00:31:08This is Mrs. Benkhorst, one of my patients.
00:31:11She thinks she's a sheep.
00:31:13That's awful. There's nothing to it.
00:31:17The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep.
00:31:22It's most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.
00:31:26So what?
00:31:28So Ann's left me, so she's taken all my money, all my savings.
00:31:32My license has been revoked.
00:31:36But I don't care.
00:31:38If you're willing, we'll get by somehow.
00:31:42I'll get a job, I don't know.
00:31:48Wait a minute.
00:32:07Don't call me waiter! I'm a doctor!
00:32:09You understand that? I'm not a waiter!
00:32:11I am a doctor! Don't call me waiter! I'm a doctor!
00:32:15What's over here on the floor?
00:32:17Say ah.
00:32:20Come here, spread your legs apart.
00:32:23Couldn't you at least not have eaten this morning?
00:32:26Isn't that what I thought? What kind of a mess is that in there?
00:32:34Daisy?
00:32:39Daisy? Honey?
00:32:45I have finally saved up enough money
00:32:48to come back to America and take my Daisy home.
00:32:52You did a terrible thing to me.
00:32:55But now I've taken Daisy to the mountains again
00:32:59where you will never find her.
00:33:02Stavros Milos.
00:34:15I've waited so long for this moment.
00:34:20Oh, Fabrizio, my love.
00:34:23Go slowly with me.
00:34:26My body is like a cathedral.
00:34:29I've washed my hands.
00:34:32I've washed my feet.
00:34:35I've washed my hands.
00:34:38I've washed my feet.
00:34:42I've washed my feet.
00:34:48Did you like it?
00:34:52Yes.
00:34:55Don't you think you had fun?
00:35:00Yes, you were very good.
00:35:05You were very passive, like a cold salmon.
00:35:11But did you like it?
00:35:15Never. It was more fun than laughing.
00:35:23Maybe next time I'll be more relaxed.
00:35:29Yes.
00:35:34Bravo.
00:35:37Don't you understand it's cold?
00:35:43It's all about exciting the woman before possessing her.
00:35:47How long?
00:35:4915 minutes, half an hour.
00:35:52And your wife?
00:35:5430 seconds.
00:35:56Lucky you.
00:35:59Don't tell me your wife has problems.
00:36:02No, it's not like that.
00:36:05Do you excite her before possessing her?
00:36:09Like this?
00:36:12No, I don't want to talk about it.
00:36:16How long have you been married?
00:36:19Six weeks.
00:36:22Play with her, caress her, excite her.
00:36:26It's always the man's fault.
00:36:29Every woman can be enjoyed.
00:36:32Last week, in the middle of the television...
00:36:39Then you must have done something wrong.
00:36:43Every woman has different things.
00:36:48Try to find the sensitive parts.
00:36:52Her father left me a plant.
00:36:56But unfortunately...
00:37:03Now, pray.
00:37:06Pray.
00:37:08I want to look at the part I haven't seen.
00:37:12Yes.
00:37:16Excite.
00:37:18Excite.
00:37:20Excite.
00:37:22Excite.
00:37:24Excite.
00:37:26Excite.
00:37:28Excite.
00:37:30Excite.
00:37:32Excite.
00:37:34Excite.
00:37:36Excite.
00:37:38Excite.
00:37:40Excite.
00:37:42Excite.
00:37:44Excite.
00:37:46Fabrizio, there's nothing the church can do for you.
00:37:50If I could, I would be very happy to have your wife come.
00:37:55That's not possible.
00:37:57At least you'll enjoy it.
00:37:59And one day, she'll enjoy it too.
00:38:25Here's my new office.
00:38:28A hundred people will work for me.
00:38:31Yes. Yes.
00:38:33Tell me about your sexual life.
00:38:37About your wife.
00:38:40She calls, shouts, and shouts.
00:38:45And I don't know how to stop her.
00:38:48I'm a man.
00:38:51She calls, shouts, and scratches my back.
00:38:57She comes six or seven times.
00:39:00It's like a wolf in heat.
00:39:03She sits on the bed watching.
00:39:06I feel like I'm dead.
00:39:09Maybe you're small.
00:39:12Small?
00:39:14Like French bread.
00:39:16Small.
00:39:18All right. I don't understand.
00:39:31You're still depressed.
00:39:33No.
00:39:35I'm fine.
00:39:40You're still thinking about it.
00:39:43Because I love you.
00:39:45Because you're so beautiful.
00:39:47I want you to be happy with me.
00:39:50Please.
00:40:08Gina, what are you doing?
00:40:10Take it.
00:40:12Give it to me.
00:40:14What?
00:40:16Let go.
00:40:22Give me.
00:40:24No.
00:40:30Give it to me.
00:40:32No.
00:40:33What is this?
00:40:36Give it to me.
00:40:40Give it to me.
00:40:45🎵
00:41:13🎵
00:41:43🎵
00:41:55🎵
00:42:07🎵
00:42:38🎵
00:43:00🎵
00:43:18🎵
00:43:44🎵
00:43:59🎵
00:44:20🎵
00:44:40🎵
00:45:04🎵
00:45:09🎵
00:45:23🎵
00:45:36🎵
00:45:41🎵
00:45:43🎵
00:45:46🎵
00:45:51🎵
00:45:56🎵
00:46:01🎵
00:46:15Yes, we prefer Bermuda to Puerto Rico, let's say. It's much nicer.
00:46:21Of course, I like, I enjoy wearing a formal gown once in a while, but when I'm on vacation I like to relax and wear slacks or little skirts and blouses and sweet little hats.
00:46:40We, your husband and I had quite a talk. He's a very gentle man, very interesting.
00:46:54I'd love to, I've never seen wood carvings. Well, I mean African heads and we picked them up in...
00:47:01Bimini.
00:47:02Bimini.
00:47:03We got them for a steal. You won't believe the price we paid for them. You want wood carvings, I'll show you wood carvings. Tell them.
00:47:10Yes, they've been must-sees. They're absolutely magnificent.
00:47:33🎵
00:47:43Yes, dear?
00:47:44They're on the top shelf in the closet, I just remembered.
00:47:47The closet or the bureau?
00:47:49Top shelf in the closet, I just remembered.
00:47:51Top shelf? Right.
00:47:53🎵
00:48:12🎵
00:48:27You know, Bimini is a free port and we got a marvelous buy on them.
00:48:31🎵
00:48:36From Bimini, the Bahamas.
00:48:38Oh.
00:48:39Beautiful.
00:48:41Look at that detail.
00:48:43I'd like your husband to see these.
00:48:45🎵
00:49:02You know, I'm wondering, what could be taking Sam so long? Would you excuse me just for a second?
00:49:09Are you all right, lady?
00:49:11It's nothing. It's just another crime in the street thing. It's an everyday happening. It just happened to me.
00:49:18You're really lucky.
00:49:19Lucky? Well, I don't know. Oh, sure, I could have been dead.
00:49:23Right. Absolutely.
00:49:25Did you have any valuables in your purse?
00:49:27No, I don't think so. You're probably wondering why I'm wearing...
00:49:31Yes.
00:49:32I got a cold, it's dripping and, you know, I don't feel good altogether, you know.
00:49:36Oh, these young people today. Are you sure you're all right?
00:49:38What do you do? What do you do? It's a society we're living in. Don't make a fuss.
00:49:44Sam, what did you do? Fall in?
00:49:52Are you sure you're all right?
00:49:54Officer, there was a bag stolen. Come quick.
00:49:57All right, all right, all right. Who's the lady whose purse was snatched?
00:50:00It's perfectly okay, officer. I forgive the little rascal.
00:50:04Oh, I'm sorry, but I'll have to fill out a report sheet.
00:50:06I don't want to press charges, really, you silly.
00:50:17What's all the excitement about, Alan? There's a crowd and police.
00:50:20Police?
00:50:21Hey, police have way too... I follow fire engines.
00:50:26Look.
00:50:27Hey, girl, you need some money?
00:50:29I don't need any money.
00:50:32Yeah.
00:50:36Name?
00:50:37Um, name, uh, Jasmine. Jasmine Glick.
00:50:42Oh, that's a very unusual name.
00:50:44Oh, you're sweet.
00:50:46What seems to be the trouble, officer?
00:50:48There's nothing to be alarmed about. It's just a routine purse snatching.
00:50:51Purse... Oh, I'm sorry, lady. I'm very sorry.
00:50:55If I lose my baby, I'm for years...
00:50:57Baby? Why don't you come in and lie down?
00:51:00I'm sorry.
00:51:01My gynecologist told me to avoid excitement.
00:51:07Please come inside and let me know...
00:51:09No, no.
00:51:10Ah! My girl! She's my husband!
00:51:16Yeah, Sam Waters! Yeah, that's the man! That's the man here!
00:51:21Whoa! Whoa, George, look!
00:51:23Show me up! Pick me up!
00:51:25Yeah, look at this!
00:51:27Look! Look, look!
00:51:29Ah! Ah! Look at this!
00:51:33I'm glad to get this stuff off here!
00:51:36Take a look at that!
00:51:38Sam, you should have told me, that's all.
00:51:41I would have understood.
00:51:43It's not the kind of thing that's easy to talk about.
00:51:46Sam, we've been married for years.
00:51:50I love you. You love me.
00:51:53You could have come to me and said,
00:51:56Yes, I have a diseased mind.
00:52:00I'm a sick individual.
00:52:02I need help. I need treatment.
00:52:06I'm perverted.
00:52:08I'm unfit to function with normal, decent people.
00:52:12I would have understood.
00:52:16Pat, I'm going to see Dr. Fillmore next week.
00:52:20Oh, I'm glad.
00:52:21You're wonderful.
00:52:27The look on their faces when the police removed your hair.
00:52:39What's My Perversion?
00:52:41Brought to you by Lancer, the hair conditioner for men.
00:52:45You still using that same old stuff on your hair, Doc?
00:52:48Yeah, why?
00:52:49Try this.
00:52:53Lancer's, really?
00:52:54Go ahead.
00:52:57Hey, this is great. No grease or oil.
00:53:00Right. Grooms and conditions at the same time.
00:53:03Smells great, too.
00:53:05Lancer, the conditioner that grooms and conditions.
00:53:15$1.98 at drug and department stores everywhere.
00:53:18Lancer, for that better groomed look.
00:53:20A product of Kay Pharmaceuticals.
00:53:27Thank you. Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen.
00:53:31And a most cordial welcome, once again, to What's My Perversion?
00:53:35Panel members, you're all looking splendid this evening.
00:53:38Pamela and Tony, so beautiful.
00:53:40And Regis and Robert Q, so handsome.
00:53:42And panel members, we have some very interesting guests with us this evening.
00:53:46And I think we should get right to them this moment.
00:53:48So, first guest, will you sign in, please?
00:53:57Bernard Jaffe.
00:54:07Jaffe, won't you sit down, sir?
00:54:09Pleasure to have you with us here on What's My Perversion?
00:54:12I think you know the rules of our game.
00:54:14Yes, I do.
00:54:15You'll get $5 every time the panel comes up with a no answer.
00:54:18And to start our game going, would you be kind enough to whisper in my ear what your perversion is?
00:54:24And while you are doing that, we will let the studio and the home audience know exactly what your perversion is.
00:54:35Good.
00:54:36All right, panel members, the studio audience and the home audience knows what his perversion is.
00:54:40And we'll start the questioning with Robert Q. Lewis.
00:54:43Thank you, Jack.
00:54:44Mr. Jaffe, is this one of those nice perversions that any guy might indulge in?
00:54:50Anybody can do it.
00:54:51Anybody?
00:54:52I'm sure you could.
00:54:53It's just a matter of wanting to.
00:54:54I see.
00:54:56Is this one of the perversions that might best be performed in the home, or could you just do it anywhere?
00:55:03Not necessarily.
00:55:04I think that'll get a no answer and $5 to you, Mr. Jaffe.
00:55:07And we turn the questioning over to Pamela Mason.
00:55:10Pamela?
00:55:11Is it something that is done with the hands?
00:55:15Yes, I would think that would not necessarily have to play a part in the procedure.
00:55:20And we give you a no answer on that.
00:55:22And it's $10 for you, Mr. Jaffe.
00:55:24And Regis Philbin is up next.
00:55:26When you're doing your perversion, do you have any need for props?
00:55:31Props?
00:55:32You know, whips or leather boots.
00:55:35Oh, no.
00:55:36No, no, that's definitely not necessary.
00:55:39$15, Regis Philbin.
00:55:40And now Tony Holt.
00:55:41Mr. Jaffe, would a telescope or a pair of binoculars be helpful to you at any time?
00:55:47It would have to be pointed in the right direction.
00:55:51But I think we have to interject to say that it would not be helpful to you, but rather to somebody else.
00:55:58And in that respect, I think we must give you a no answer, Tony.
00:56:01Robert Q. Lewis.
00:56:02Are you... I'll take a wild guess.
00:56:05Are you a rapist?
00:56:07Hardly.
00:56:08No.
00:56:09Hardly.
00:56:10No, not at all.
00:56:11$25 and Pamela Mason.
00:56:13I'll pass to Regis.
00:56:15Is it self-contained?
00:56:18Yes, I carry it with me at all times.
00:56:22It is something that he can do in a self-contained fashion.
00:56:25I think I have.
00:56:26Do you molest children?
00:56:28No, I'm afraid you're on the wrong track.
00:56:31Would you like to tell them exactly what your perversion is?
00:56:33You already have your $50.
00:56:35Yes, I liked to expose myself on subways.
00:56:39On subways.
00:56:40Oh, sorry.
00:56:44And now the winner of this week's contest.
00:56:46As you know, each week we give you at home an opportunity to play our game with us.
00:56:49We ask you to write and tell us exactly what your perversion is.
00:56:53We select the most interesting letter the contestant has flown in
00:56:56and we give that contestant a chance to act out his fantasy here on the program.
00:57:01And now it's with a great deal of pleasure that I present this week's winner.
00:57:04Ladies and gentlemen, members of the panel,
00:57:06here from Muncie, Indiana is our winner, Rabbi Chaim Baumol.
00:57:17Well, congratulations to you, Chaim Baumol.
00:57:20Excuse me, it's not shame.
00:57:23It's not came.
00:57:25It's pronounced Chaim.
00:57:27Chaim.
00:57:28Chaim.
00:57:29Chaim, very good.
00:57:30I understand in addition to being a very distinguished clergyman,
00:57:33you have a very, very fascinating fetish.
00:57:36You mean a hang-up?
00:57:38Yes.
00:57:39Yes.
00:57:41Silk stockings.
00:57:43Silk stockings.
00:57:44I love silk stockings.
00:57:46To touch them.
00:57:48To hug them.
00:57:50Now, you wrote in your letter that what you like is to be tied up.
00:57:56For this, we need the help of one of the members of the panel.
00:58:00How about someone to tie him up?
00:58:02Regis Philbin, would you?
00:58:04Excuse me.
00:58:06Must be a girl.
00:58:07Girl.
00:58:08All right.
00:58:09Well, we certainly have two lovely girls.
00:58:10Pamela, would you do the honors and tie up the rabbi?
00:58:13I'd love to.
00:58:14Rabbi.
00:58:20Now, Pamela is going to tie Rabbi Baumol according to the wishes I have expressed in his letter.
00:58:27I haven't had a lot of experience, Rabbi, but I think I can manage.
00:58:31If you have any special instructions, please let me know.
00:58:34Do you have any special area that you'd like to have tied?
00:58:38Not too tight.
00:58:41Good.
00:58:42And now a model from the Lucy Jones Modeling Agency is going to pretend that she is Rabbi Baumol's governess,
00:58:50and she's going to thank the rabbi.
00:58:55You've been a naughty rabbi.
00:58:57While at the same time...
00:58:59I have to be in the synagogue tomorrow.
00:59:01Mrs. Baumol, the rabbi's wife, who we've flown in from Indiana, will sit at the rabbi's feet and eat pork.
00:59:11Bad. Naughty rabbi. Now, don't you do that again.
00:59:16Bad. Naughty, naughty.
00:59:21Well, there it is, America. Another lucky winner gets to act out his fantasy.
00:59:26And now this is Jack Barry saying goodbye and good luck to myself and the panel,
00:59:31and we'll see you next week on What's My Perversion?
00:59:35What's My Perversion?
01:00:06Let me have 50 cents worth of regular.
01:00:08Go ahead.
01:00:20Excuse me. My car broke down about two miles down the road.
01:00:23Could you please send somebody to get it?
01:00:24Why, sure, ma'am. Right away.
01:00:25Thank you very much.
01:00:27How far is Dr. Bernardo's house?
01:00:30About seven miles.
01:00:32Oh, damn it.
01:00:33Miss?
01:00:34Yeah?
01:00:35Did I hear you say that you were going to Dr. Bernardo's house?
01:00:37Uh-huh.
01:00:38Yeah, would you like a lift? Because I'm going over there now.
01:00:40Oh, gee, that'd be swell.
01:00:42Yeah?
01:00:43Yeah.
01:00:44Oh, come on.
01:00:45Okay.
01:00:48Are you a friend of Dr. Bernardo's?
01:00:50Not exactly a friend. I'm going to be working with him. I'm going to help him with his experiments.
01:00:54Are you studying sexual phenomenon, too?
01:00:57Yes. I was a biology major in school.
01:01:02I've really been looking forward to working with the doctor.
01:01:04You know, he's a great hero of mine.
01:01:06I don't know if you know this or not, but he was the first man to ever measure the sound waves produced by an erection.
01:01:12Yes, I know.
01:01:14Do you?
01:01:15Yes, I'm a reporter for the Globe.
01:01:17I'm going to interview Dr. Bernardo for a story in our Sunday supplement.
01:01:21A reporter, huh?
01:01:22Uh-huh.
01:01:23You know, you're kind of cute.
01:01:25Yeah, well, why don't you just watch the road, huh?
01:01:28What's your name?
01:01:30Helen Lacey. What's yours?
01:01:33Victor. Victor Shackapopoulos.
01:02:01DOOR SLAMS SHUT
01:02:15DOOR OPENS
01:02:19DOOR SLAMS SHUT
01:02:22DOOR OPENS
01:02:23DOOR SLAMS SHUT
01:02:33Is Dr. Bernardo here?
01:02:36Oh, I think he wants us to come in.
01:02:39Okay.
01:02:42The doctor's expecting us.
01:02:44So, uh...
01:02:47DOOR SLAMS SHUT
01:02:49Look at this place.
01:02:51Yeah, it's really great. Is your decorator still living?
01:02:54It's chilly.
01:02:56Uh...
01:02:57So, what do you think? Is Dr. Bernardo here, or what?
01:03:01I am Dr. Bernardo.
01:03:06You must be Victor.
01:03:09And Miss Lacey.
01:03:12Igor, I thought I told you to keep to your own.
01:03:17I'm a good man. I'm a good man.
01:03:20I'm a good man. I'm a good man.
01:03:25Forgive him.
01:03:26He usually keeps to his rule.
01:03:29I know there's a big problem with domestics nowadays.
01:03:32Come.
01:03:34Shall we have dinner?
01:03:39I understand you're famous for your potato pancakes.
01:03:42Dr. Bernardo, you don't know how excited I am to be here.
01:03:45I've waited so long to meet you.
01:03:48I'm really looking forward to helping you with your experiments.
01:03:51I don't know if you've read my latest book, Advanced Sexual Positions,
01:03:55How to Achieve Them Without Laughing, but it's getting to be a classic.
01:03:59I'm familiar with it.
01:04:01I think it's wonderful how you men of science have finally gotten around to sex.
01:04:05All the girls of the globe are so pleased with your work on respiration during orgasm.
01:04:10A mere trifle compared to my real work.
01:04:12Doctor, I read a statement you made that you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be 19 inches.
01:04:19Doesn't that seem a little long?
01:04:22Long?
01:04:23My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.
01:04:27Yes, I know, but 19 inches, I mean, that's...
01:04:31Does that sound mad?
01:04:33That's what they call Med Masters and Johnson's Clinic.
01:04:36Mad.
01:04:38Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings.
01:04:44It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat.
01:04:49I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics.
01:04:56It was I who first said that clitoral orgasm should not be only for women.
01:05:01They laughed at me, ridiculed me, said I was mad.
01:05:05But I showed them.
01:05:07They threw me out of Masters and Johnson's.
01:05:09No severance pay, and I had it coming.
01:05:12But I showed them.
01:05:18Are we having dessert?
01:05:21Come.
01:05:22I want to show you my laboratory.
01:05:25Igor.
01:05:30Clean up this table and hurry.
01:05:35You must forgive Igor.
01:05:37It was part of an experiment of mine that backfired.
01:05:41Using an electrical generator, I gave him a four-hour orgasm.
01:05:45He had fun, but he turned out like this.
01:05:54Posture, posture.
01:06:01Here it is.
01:06:02This is where I discover new facts about sex.
01:06:05Facts that will make me a great man one day.
01:06:29Dr. Bernardo, what is all this?
01:06:31Come this way and you'll see.
01:06:42Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.
01:06:47How often does that problem come up with a hippo?
01:06:50Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread.
01:06:55They're getting on famously.
01:06:58Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian...
01:07:02and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.
01:07:06But why? What good will this do anybody?
01:07:08It'll show those fools will call me mad.
01:07:15But doctor, this is immoral.
01:07:17Nonsense. The human mind is capable of many strange things.
01:07:20Look, each day for the past year I feed her nothing but silicone.
01:07:24She used to be flat-chested.
01:07:26Give me another year and watch out.
01:07:34You're insane.
01:07:36That's what they said at Masters and Johnson.
01:07:39And all because I built a 400-foot diaphragm.
01:07:45Break control for an entire nation at once.
01:07:51You will be the subject of my newest experiment.
01:07:56Me?
01:07:58Yes.
01:08:00Look here.
01:08:03In here I have plenty scouts.
01:08:06I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you.
01:08:10No!
01:08:17Get away from her.
01:08:19Why don't you let her relax and enjoy it?
01:08:22You shoot this girl and I'll sue you for malpractice.
01:08:25Come on.
01:08:30Victor! Victor, do something!
01:08:32Helen, keep your legs crossed.
01:08:34Victor!
01:08:56Victor!
01:08:59Victor!
01:09:25Victor!
01:09:42Damn it!
01:09:45Now we owe them a dinner.
01:09:50What's wrong, Victor?
01:09:52I think the battery's dead and we're out of gas, oil and water.
01:09:56Oh, my God.
01:10:02Are you okay?
01:10:04Yeah, I'm all right.
01:10:06Oh, my God.
01:10:08Oh, my God.
01:10:10Oh, my God.
01:10:12Yeah, I'm all right.
01:10:15What was that?
01:10:17That sounded like Igor.
01:10:19Victor, look!
01:10:23Oh, my God.
01:10:25A gigantic tit.
01:10:29Oh, Victor, what are we gonna do?
01:10:31What you're gonna do?
01:10:33I'm going home to get my catcher's measure.
01:10:35Look, it looks angry. The nipple's getting erect.
01:10:37Oh, Victor, come on. Let's go.
01:10:39Not so quickly. They're all boys in my family.
01:10:41Sure.
01:10:59Sheriff, I want to report an escaped tit.
01:11:01A what?
01:11:03It's on the loose. It's already killed two people.
01:11:05Dr. Bernardo and his assistant.
01:11:07Tremendous tit. What have you been drinking?
01:11:09Listen, we don't have time to argue here.
01:11:11While we're standing here,
01:11:13the countryside's being ravaged by a colossal boom.
01:11:19You've got the most beautiful set of breasts.
01:11:23Oh, dear.
01:11:25Hey, um, there's something wrong with the radio.
01:11:27See? Look, look.
01:11:29There's something wrong with the radio. See?
01:11:33What?
01:11:35Oh, my God.
01:11:37Jesus Christ.
01:11:39God!
01:11:41Help!
01:11:43Help!
01:11:55Be on the lookout
01:11:57for a large female breast.
01:11:59It's about a 4,000 with an X-cup.
01:12:01About a 4,000
01:12:03with an X-cup.
01:12:05Let's go.
01:12:19We're too late. He's dead.
01:12:21Yeah, I know. The cream slowed him up
01:12:23and the milk killed him.
01:12:25We're up against a very clever tit.
01:12:27It shoots half and half.
01:12:29Victor, what are we gonna do to stop this fiendish tit?
01:12:31I got an idea,
01:12:33but I'd have to get my hands
01:12:35on some camouflage.
01:12:37I can get you all the camouflage you need.
01:12:39Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous.
01:12:41Don't worry.
01:12:43I know how to handle tits.
01:13:03Uh-oh.
01:13:33Uh-oh.
01:13:53Victor, I'm so proud of you.
01:13:55You did it.
01:13:57Oh, I was so worried.
01:13:59Were you scared?
01:14:01No, I was. I thought you were gonna get nursed to death.
01:14:03Well, everything's all secure now.
01:14:05You don't have to worry about a thing.
01:14:07Only one thing bothers me, though.
01:14:09That's a single. You sure that was a single now?
01:14:11That was a single, yes.
01:14:13Yeah, well, see, they usually travel in pairs.
01:14:15No, no, you don't have to worry about this.
01:14:17Well, I've never seen one by itself.
01:14:19I mean, two, yes, but not just one.
01:14:21So what we're gonna do, we're gonna take a nipple print
01:14:23just so we'll have identification on this one, see?
01:14:25Now, I think we'll put it on probation
01:14:27for maybe 90 days and then take it down to the orphanage
01:14:29because there's a lot of hungry babies down there.
01:14:31So you both take care of yourself now.
01:14:37You know, you were so magnificent out there.
01:14:39I knew then that I wanted you.
01:14:41Well, I don't want to say anything about this, Helen.
01:14:43I kind of had a personal stake in this case.
01:14:45You know, I've never told anyone this before,
01:14:47but when I was a little child,
01:14:49I was breastfed from falsies.
01:14:51The truth of the matter is,
01:14:53I've learned one thing from this whole situation,
01:14:55and that is, when it comes to sex,
01:14:57there are certain things that should be always left unknown,
01:14:59and with my luck, they probably will be.
01:15:27Brain room.
01:15:29Come in, motor function 12.
01:15:31Check.
01:15:33His leg itches.
01:15:39Scratch the left leg.
01:15:41The leg has been scratched.
01:15:45There's a joke coming in on 4-1.
01:15:47Prepare response for incoming joke.
01:15:49Joke response 18.2.
01:15:51Smile, please.
01:15:53He's smiling.
01:15:55Time over.
01:15:57Food coming down.
01:15:59What kind?
01:16:01Fettuccine.
01:16:03Jesus Christ.
01:16:05Italian food coming down.
01:16:11Stomach proceeding with breakdown of fettuccine.
01:16:13This is mission control.
01:16:15Mission control.
01:16:17Please stand by for systems check.
01:16:19Well, what do you think?
01:16:21No thanks.
01:16:23What's the course now?
01:16:25I'm very optimistic.
01:16:27The dinner date is very beautiful.
01:16:29Have you seen her?
01:16:31No.
01:16:33She's lovely.
01:16:35You should take a look.
01:16:37Brain to eyes, brain to eyes, come in.
01:16:39Eyes to brain, over.
01:16:41Focus on the dinner date.
01:16:43I want to check out something, please.
01:16:45You want the whole body?
01:16:47Yes, please.
01:16:49Hey.
01:16:51It would be a shame to lose this one.
01:16:55Any indication yet?
01:16:57Brain to ears, brain to ears.
01:16:59Can you throw some voice up here?
01:17:03Yes, for me,
01:17:05Norman Mailer has exactly that
01:17:07same sort of relevance,
01:17:09that affirmative-negative
01:17:11duality that only Proust
01:17:13or Flaubert could achieve.
01:17:15I don't know if we're going to make it or not.
01:17:17Doesn't look too good.
01:17:19I'm a graduate of New York University.
01:17:21We're going to make it.
01:17:23I'm worried.
01:17:25About a possible failure, huh?
01:17:27Yes.
01:17:29Anyone can have a fiasco now and then,
01:17:31but a few in a row can lead to a serious
01:17:33loss of confidence.
01:17:35Well, you can see what it's doing to morale around here already.
01:17:37Don't worry.
01:17:39We're going to bring this on.
01:17:41My place or your place,
01:17:43to me it doesn't matter where we do it.
01:17:45Hey, why do you look so scared?
01:17:47God damn it! Who flashed a scared expression?
01:17:49Come on!
01:17:51Anybody press frightened?
01:17:53No one.
01:17:55Must be a short circuit somewhere.
01:17:57That's all we need now.
01:17:59Mission control, mission control.
01:18:01Prepare for launching, prepare for launching.
01:18:03It looks like they're going to do it.
01:18:05Attention Spurge, attention Spurge.
01:18:07Stand by.
01:18:09Well, here we go again.
01:18:11You think we'll get out this time?
01:18:13I hope it's not another false alarm.
01:18:15They're having trouble down in engineering.
01:18:17Because I heard it was all mental.
01:18:19You're on my tail.
01:18:21Sorry.
01:18:23Well, heart factors are all balanced.
01:18:25We could use a little more adrenaline.
01:18:27This is the adrenal gland.
01:18:29We're pumping away here.
01:18:31Oh my God, Sidney, can't you wait?
01:18:33You want to do it right here in the parking lot.
01:18:35Signal the voice to answer in the affirmative.
01:18:37All systems on the alert.
01:18:39We're going to try to ball her right there in the car.
01:18:43Ears, quickly, ears.
01:18:45I've made it in cars before,
01:18:47but always in hard tops.
01:18:49Prepare for launching.
01:18:51Brain room to sexual organs.
01:18:53Proceed with erection.
01:18:55Let's go, boys.
01:18:57Come on.
01:18:59Get it up, fellas.
01:19:01All together.
01:19:05Roll out the tongue.
01:19:07Roll out the tongue.
01:19:13Here comes the kiss.
01:19:15Hang on.
01:19:21Activate pleasure center.
01:19:27Will you please have an erection?
01:19:29What the hell's going on down there?
01:19:31I know you can do it, boys.
01:19:33Come on, fellas.
01:19:35What's the matter with you?
01:19:37What's the matter, Sidney?
01:19:39Maintain hands on breasts.
01:19:41Yes, sir.
01:19:43We're having trouble with respiration.
01:19:45We're way over the limit down here.
01:19:47If you're not getting an erection,
01:19:49something's wrong.
01:19:51Proceed with erection.
01:19:53All systems go.
01:19:55Let's go, boys.
01:19:57All together.
01:19:59We've got to get it up.
01:20:01We need more help in the brain room.
01:20:03Have you checked to see
01:20:05if there's any trouble in the stomach?
01:20:07It's moving on nicely.
01:20:09A couple of injuries
01:20:11from the veal scallopini, though.
01:20:13I'm not laughing, Sidney.
01:20:15Honestly.
01:20:17Now kiss me.
01:20:19We have an erection
01:20:21of 45 degrees.
01:20:23Shall we attempt penetration?
01:20:25Prepare for penetration.
01:20:27Well, this looks like it.
01:20:29You guys know what it's like out there?
01:20:31It's like they told us in training school.
01:20:33It's an ovum.
01:20:35I'm scared. I don't want to go.
01:20:37This is what all this training was for.
01:20:39Yeah, but who knows
01:20:41what it's going to be like out there?
01:20:43You saw slides in class.
01:20:45Yeah, but you hear
01:20:47these strange stories, you know,
01:20:49like there's this pill these women take
01:20:51or sometimes the guys will slam
01:20:53their heads up against a wall
01:20:55of hard rubber.
01:20:57Oh, that's nonsense.
01:20:59You're a...
01:21:01What if it's a homosexual encounter?
01:21:03Look, this is no time to doubt our mission.
01:21:05You took an oath when you entered
01:21:07sperm training school to fertilize
01:21:09an ovum or die trying.
01:21:11I'm scared. I don't want to go out there.
01:21:13We're too low to attempt penetration.
01:21:15We've got to get a hold.
01:21:17We need more stimulation
01:21:19from the pleasure center.
01:21:21Urban room to brain control.
01:21:23Pre-stimulate pleasure center.
01:21:25Prepare to stroke her thighs.
01:21:27We're on the thighs and stroking.
01:21:29Attention mouth. Attention mouth.
01:21:31Please blow into her ear.
01:21:33Erection is at 45 degrees and holding fast.
01:21:35Readjust mouth.
01:21:37We're missing her ear and blowing into her nose.
01:21:39Attempt penetration.
01:21:41Now I can have a word.
01:21:43The angle's bad.
01:21:45Hey, we're going to make babies!
01:21:53This is mission control.
01:21:55Penetrate.
01:21:57We can't. It's no use.
01:21:59Hold tight, man. We're losing it!
01:22:07What am I doing here?
01:22:09What am I doing here?
01:22:11We're losing it! It's going down!
01:22:13Keep it up, boys!
01:22:15Come on!
01:22:17Come on!
01:22:19Come on!
01:22:21Keep it up, boys!
01:22:23Come on!
01:22:25It's no use. We're losing it.
01:22:27Start preparing an alibi to save face.
01:22:29We found him tampering with machinery
01:22:31in the cerebral cortex,
01:22:33turning up the guilt reflex.
01:22:35That's a lie. I never touched anything.
01:22:37Why, sir?
01:22:39I work in the conscience room.
01:22:41We found the conscience tied to a chair.
01:22:43He'd knocked him out.
01:22:45Is this true?
01:22:47What if it is?
01:22:49Sexual relations between unmarried people?
01:22:51To take an innocent woman
01:22:53and assault her
01:22:55in a brutal, sadistic,
01:22:57ungodlike manner is
01:22:59blasphemy!
01:23:01Lock him up.
01:23:03Sabotage is over.
01:23:05Blasphemy!
01:23:07It's blasphemy!
01:23:09Full steam ahead!
01:23:15Here we go again!
01:23:17I'm not going to get shot out of that thing.
01:23:19What if he's masturbating?
01:23:21I'm liable to wind up on the ceiling.
01:23:23No!
01:23:25Get a grip on yourself.
01:23:27It's dark out there.
01:23:31I'm going to dupe my parents for dinner.
01:23:33In hell!
01:23:35In hell!
01:23:47In hell!
01:24:05We're inside!
01:24:07We're making it!
01:24:09I have a memory.
01:24:11Think of baseball players to keep sperm
01:24:13from premature launching.
01:24:17I can't hold out any longer.
01:24:19Prepare for release of sperm.
01:24:21Willie Mays, Joe Namath,
01:24:23Nicky Mantle.
01:24:29See you guys in the ovary!
01:24:31Save me an egg!
01:24:33Well,
01:24:35at least he's Jewish.
01:24:37I'm not Jewish.
01:24:39I'm not Jewish.
01:24:41I'm not Jewish.
01:24:43I'm not Jewish.
01:24:45Well, at least he's Jewish.
01:25:15Listen, everybody, everybody.
01:25:17Can I have your attention?
01:25:19This is mission control.
01:25:21I just want to congratulate everybody
01:25:23on a fine job well done.
01:25:25I mean that in all sincerity.
01:25:27It was hectic, but we brought it through.
01:25:29Yeah!
01:25:31Well, she was worth it.
01:25:37That was great, Sidney.
01:25:39Let's do it one more time.
01:25:41Hey, everybody stand by.
01:25:43Here we go again.
01:25:45Hey!
01:25:47Attention, all hands.
01:25:49Attention, all hands.
01:25:51Stand by. Stand by.
01:25:53Give me a fatigue reading.
01:25:55Four and a half.
01:25:57Fatigue reading four and a half.
01:25:59Looks good.
01:26:01We're going for second.
01:26:03Attention, gonads.
01:26:05We're going for record.
01:26:07We're all alone.
01:26:09No chaperone can get our number.
01:26:11The world's in slumber.
01:26:13Let's misbehave.
01:26:15There's something wild
01:26:17about you, child,
01:26:19that's so contagious.
01:26:21Let's be outrageous.
01:26:23Let's misbehave.
01:26:25When Adam won Eve's hand,
01:26:27he wouldn't stand for teasing.
01:26:29He didn't care about
01:26:31those apples out of season.
01:26:33They say the apple's
01:26:35too sweet to tease them.
01:26:37They say the spring means
01:26:39just one thing to little lovebirds.
01:26:41We're not above birds.
01:26:43Let's misbehave.
01:26:53Let's misbehave.
01:26:55Let's misbehave.
01:27:03Let's misbehave.
01:27:05If you'd be just so sweet
01:27:07and only meet your fate, dear,
01:27:09it would be the great event
01:27:11of 1928, dear.
01:27:13What-da-da-da-da-da...
01:27:23Let's misbehave.
01:27:25That's Miss B.A.