The Shakiest Gun in the West (1968)
Unrated | 101 min | Comedy, Western | 10 July 1968 (USA)
Jesse W. Haywood graduates from dental school in Philadelphia in 1870 and goes west "to fight oral ignorance." Meanwhile stagecoach robber Penelope "Bad Penny" Cushing is offered a pardon if she will track down a ring of gun smugglers. She tricks the bungling Haywood into a fictitious marriage as a disguise, and he becomes the heroic "Doc the Haywood" after he guns down "Arnold the Kid" and performs other exploits with Penny's help (unbeknown to him or anyone else).
Director: Alan Rafkin
Writers: Edmund L. Hartmann (screenplay) (as Edmund Hartmann) , Frank Tashlin (screenplay)
Stars: Don Knotts, Barbara Rhoades, Jackie Coogan
Unrated | 101 min | Comedy, Western | 10 July 1968 (USA)
Jesse W. Haywood graduates from dental school in Philadelphia in 1870 and goes west "to fight oral ignorance." Meanwhile stagecoach robber Penelope "Bad Penny" Cushing is offered a pardon if she will track down a ring of gun smugglers. She tricks the bungling Haywood into a fictitious marriage as a disguise, and he becomes the heroic "Doc the Haywood" after he guns down "Arnold the Kid" and performs other exploits with Penny's help (unbeknown to him or anyone else).
Director: Alan Rafkin
Writers: Edmund L. Hartmann (screenplay) (as Edmund Hartmann) , Frank Tashlin (screenplay)
Stars: Don Knotts, Barbara Rhoades, Jackie Coogan
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00♪ He's corny as cornbread, seedy as grain He came out west on a northbound train
00:00:25The crooks die laughing, but they're dead just the same
00:00:27He's the shakiest gun in the west Yeah, he's the shakiest gun in the west
00:00:33He's got a pony pony that was made in Japan He rides in the saddle like an elevator man
00:00:39He's an underfoot, tenderfoot king of the mess He's the shakiest gun in the west
00:00:44Yeah, he's the shakiest gun in the west But he stands for right, both day and night
00:00:52He may lose the battle for a while, but he'll win the fight
00:00:59He's a humdinger, a western swinger But he has a little trouble with his trigger finger
00:01:05When he takes aim, it's anybody's guess He's the shakiest gun in the west
00:01:10Yeah, he's the shakiest gun in the west He's a dude done over, you can see at a glance
00:01:17His boots are shiny and so are his pants He's got hair in his eye and a gleam on his chest
00:01:22He's the shakiest gun in the west Yeah, he's the shakiest gun in the west
00:01:28But he stands for right, both day and night He may lose the battle for a while, but he'll win the fight
00:01:40Yeah, he stands for right, both day and night
00:01:46Oh, help! Help! Help! Help! Oh, help! Help!
00:01:58Madam, madam, please be patient. After all, this is the final examination for these dental students.
00:02:03It's important that you cooperate.
00:02:07Now, stay in your chair and try to relax. Jolly Ned, mother.
00:02:12Relax. Here we go.
00:02:21All right. Just sit down there. There we go.
00:02:26All righty, Miss Stevenson. Now, first things first.
00:02:30Now, we're just gonna take a little look-see at your general dental condition.
00:02:34Gotta get the lay of the land. You know?
00:02:37Okay. All righty. Open your mouth.
00:02:43Now, you see, if you don't open your mouth, then I can't see anything.
00:02:48See, that's the way that works.
00:02:52Come on now, Miss Stevenson. Seriously, open your mouth. Open up.
00:02:58I'll help you. Here, I'll get that there. Open that.
00:03:05How are you doing, Heywood? Fine. Mm-hmm. Fine.
00:03:12Dr. Breitlander!
00:03:14What seems to be the trouble, Heywood?
00:03:19Complete closure of the oral cavity, eh?
00:03:21Just gonna open my mouth.
00:03:23Watch me carefully.
00:03:25Well, Miss Stevenson, don't we look lovely today?
00:03:28Yes, but we have a toothache, haven't we?
00:03:30A tooth saved is a silver dollar in the Bank of Health.
00:03:33Now, open your mouth, dear.
00:03:37Open wide.
00:03:43Are we going to open up that mouth?
00:03:47Open that rotten little mouth!
00:03:58You're in my way, Heywood. You're in my way!
00:04:00I can't get loose.
00:04:03I can't get loose.
00:04:08Get me out of here!
00:04:14You're on your own from here on, Heywood.
00:04:16If you don't get that mouth open and get that tooth fixed, you don't graduate.
00:04:34Now, Miss Stevenson, I realize that this is hardly the time or place to bring this up,
00:04:39but, uh, I'd like very much to see you socially sometime.
00:04:43Oh, well, I, uh... There.
00:04:47Everything going okay, Heywood?
00:04:49Fine. Mm-hmm. Fine.
00:05:03Fine.
00:05:25Mm-hmm.
00:05:34Ooh!
00:05:47Oh!
00:05:50Oh!
00:06:02Oh!
00:06:05Oh!
00:06:13Oh!
00:06:19Oh!
00:06:35All right, make way for the mother of a dentist.
00:06:38The mother of Jesse W. Heywood.
00:06:40Valedictorian.
00:06:43I'm her best friend.
00:06:50Mm-hmm.
00:07:02Uh, Dr. Friedlander,
00:07:04faculty,
00:07:06students...
00:07:08and parents.
00:07:13As we, uh, stand on the threshold...
00:07:15Louder!
00:07:17of graduation,
00:07:19we may get the feeling that this is the end.
00:07:26This is really the beginning...
00:07:28Louder!
00:07:30This is really the beginning of stepping out into new horizons.
00:07:34North, south, east, and...
00:07:38west.
00:07:40Speaking of west, that is the direct...
00:07:42That is the direction I personally am going to.
00:07:45Why did I choose the west?
00:07:47Because the west is a place where few, if any, dentists have trod.
00:07:51So I am going to trod there.
00:07:55Why, Jesse? Why?
00:07:58Well, Mo, the west needs dentists.
00:08:01I mean, teeth are falling out right and left out there.
00:08:04Teeth are falling out in Philadelphia, too.
00:08:06Yeah, but Philadelphia's overrun with dentists.
00:08:09There must be seven.
00:08:11Gratitude. Gratitude. Some nice gratitude.
00:08:14But all the plans, all the nice surprises.
00:08:17Your Uncle George was going to give you an office
00:08:20over the Harness Shop for $3 a month.
00:08:22And Celia's Leonard.
00:08:24Celia's Leonard was going to give you four rolls of wallpaper.
00:08:27Blue ducks.
00:08:2950 cents a foot. Wholesale.
00:08:31Oh, Jesse. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.
00:08:35Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.
00:08:38If he were mine, I'd know what to do.
00:08:40Put him across my knee.
00:08:42Get out. I'm family.
00:08:44You're not family. I'm your aunt.
00:08:46You're not a real aunt. You're just my mother's best friend.
00:08:48Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.
00:08:50How's it going, Haywood? Fine. Fine.
00:08:58Those half-naked savages must have colds all the time.
00:09:02Oh, Ma, that's an old wives' tale.
00:09:04Your average Indian's the healthiest person in the world.
00:09:06But, Jesse, dear, it stands to reason...
00:09:08Uh, Mom, Mom.
00:09:11Oh, excuse me. Is this car 24?
00:09:13All the way down, Mac.
00:09:15But, Doctor, you've always been such a delicate little boy.
00:09:19You've got such touchy sinuses.
00:09:21You've always had your father's delicate sinuses.
00:09:23Oh, Mom.
00:09:25Now, don't oh me, but your father's sinuses have killed him.
00:09:28He was run over by a beer wagon.
00:09:30He was blowing his nose in the middle of the street.
00:09:33Well, I'm not gonna cry.
00:09:36Good for you, Ma.
00:09:38I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
00:09:40After all.
00:09:42If you don't believe me, ask Celia.
00:09:44I said, Celia, I'm not gonna cry at the station.
00:09:46And you've always kept your word, Ma.
00:09:48You've always kept your word.
00:09:50Uh, is this car 24?
00:09:52Uh, back that way.
00:09:54Huh.
00:09:58I'll bet you think I'm crying right now.
00:10:00You promised yourself you wouldn't. And I'm not.
00:10:02That's because you're strong.
00:10:05Just think, Ma.
00:10:07Getting ready to head west.
00:10:09In two days, I'll be in Ohio.
00:10:11In one week, I'll be in St. Louis.
00:10:13And in two months, California.
00:10:16What an age we live in.
00:10:18Things are moving too fast.
00:10:22Yeah, yeah.
00:10:25Excuse me, buddy.
00:10:27Is this about it?
00:10:29Oh, yeah, yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
00:10:31Well, Ma.
00:10:34Oh.
00:10:36Oh, uh...
00:10:38You get something from the corner.
00:10:40I got a nickel.
00:10:42A nickel?
00:10:47Uh, no charge.
00:10:51Ma, what's that?
00:10:53Well, it got your Uncle Metcalfe
00:10:55safely through the Civil War.
00:10:57Here. You may need it.
00:10:59Well, gee, Ma, that's kind of nifty.
00:11:01Wear it in good health.
00:11:03What?
00:11:06Well, Ma.
00:11:08Well, I guess that's a said.
00:11:11Goodbye, dear.
00:11:13Write me as soon as you get to the west.
00:11:15I will, Ma.
00:11:30Don't look back, Ma.
00:11:48Going out west, partner?
00:11:50Sure am, partner.
00:11:59Ah!
00:12:30Now, go wash it.
00:12:34Well.
00:12:38Thank you, dear lady.
00:12:42Oh, uh, thank you, dear lady.
00:12:48Hmm.
00:12:50That's good.
00:12:52What is that?
00:12:54Want to talk?
00:12:56Restaurant?
00:12:58Restaurant?
00:13:27All right, everybody out of that stage.
00:13:29Come on!
00:13:33Come on!
00:13:37Come on, let's go!
00:13:39And you out there, throw down that strong box.
00:13:56Come on!
00:14:18Hold it, driver!
00:14:20Oh!
00:14:26Oh!
00:14:30Go ahead!
00:14:42What happened out there?
00:14:44Two men held us up about eight miles out on the Willow Creek Road.
00:14:46They got the strong box.
00:14:48All right, come on, men. Let's go.
00:14:57I just love this kind of stuff.
00:14:59Oh, come on.
00:15:07Fred, got a passenger for you on the through stage.
00:15:09Be sure he gets on it.
00:15:27Oh!
00:15:35Hot digs come to 2,200 apiece.
00:15:41You know something, Penny?
00:15:43This is the first time I ever had this much money at one time in my whole life.
00:15:47There's plenty more where that came from, Pop.
00:15:49I got two stagecoaches lined up next week.
00:15:51100 miles apart.
00:15:53Hold it, Penny. Count me out.
00:15:55What?
00:15:57That's right. This was my last job.
00:15:59After 30 years of rustling cattle and holding up banks and stagecoaches,
00:16:02I'm packing it in.
00:16:04This'll be easy pickings, Pop.
00:16:06Nope.
00:16:08I'm gonna take this here money and fulfill my lifelong ambition.
00:16:11What's that, Pop?
00:16:13Go to Boston and open up a little dress shop.
00:16:17A dress shop?
00:16:19Oh, wait a minute now, Penny.
00:16:21Just because I'm rough and dirty and don't wear underwear
00:16:24don't mean that I ain't autistic.
00:16:26All the years we've been together,
00:16:28I never heard you mention that once.
00:16:30Well, I reckon it would sound kind of funny
00:16:33in front of all the gentlemen.
00:16:35Well, if that's the way you want it.
00:16:37At least we can ride together as far as Hole in the Wall.
00:16:42A dress shop?
00:16:44Hold it, Penny.
00:16:46What is it?
00:16:48Sound like maybe 10 or 15 horses.
00:16:50Nice posse size.
00:16:52Let's get out of here.
00:16:55Let's go.
00:17:20Oh, hey, there'll be one thing to do.
00:17:23They're gaining on us every minute now. We gotta split up.
00:17:25You follow that stream there,
00:17:27and I'll head north and try to draw them off.
00:17:29Good luck, honey.
00:17:31Don't get caught, Pop. Remember your dress shop.
00:17:44That looks like one of them.
00:17:46I just love this kind of stuff.
00:17:48Let's go.
00:17:53Let's go.
00:18:24I just hate this kind of stuff.
00:18:26Grab her, boy.
00:18:28Where?
00:18:30I don't know about grabbing women. I ain't married.
00:18:32Where's that federal marshal?
00:18:34He's on his way over.
00:18:36You've got no right.
00:18:38You've got no right holding a defenseless woman prisoner.
00:18:44I'm sorry.
00:18:46I'm sorry.
00:18:48I'm sorry.
00:18:50I'm sorry.
00:18:53Now, simmer down.
00:18:55You just simmer down, Tanny.
00:18:57The marshal Bates here wants to talk to you.
00:18:59Miss Coachings, I've got a proposition for you.
00:19:01Not interested.
00:19:03You better hear me out.
00:19:05This paper's a full pardon.
00:19:07You dang fool.
00:19:09The marshal wants you to work for the federal government.
00:19:11It's a trick?
00:19:13I just love this kind of stuff.
00:19:15No, it's no trick. Now, listen to me carefully.
00:19:17Somebody's been smuggling guns to some renegade Comanche Indians.
00:19:20What's that got to do with me?
00:19:22We need your help to find out who it is.
00:19:24The marshal wants you to work as an undercover agent.
00:19:26We've already lost two men.
00:19:28We figure they won't be suspicious of a woman posing as a homesteader.
00:19:33Well, what do you think, Penny?
00:19:35I don't know.
00:19:37We got enough on you to send you away for 300 years.
00:19:42You ninny, he wants to give you a pardon.
00:19:44Here, read this.
00:19:47Is it a real pardon?
00:19:49It's got the governor's signature on it.
00:19:55You got yourself a deal.
00:19:57Hey, this is pretty exciting.
00:19:59You mind if I tell everybody?
00:20:01You do, and I'll shoot you right in the mouth.
00:20:17Aah!
00:20:28Excuse me, sir.
00:20:30Could you tell me where I could buy a wagon and a good team of horses?
00:20:32Yep. Right across the street there.
00:20:34Abel Swanson will sell you anything you want.
00:20:37But watch it. He's real slick.
00:20:39He'll cheat you if he gets a chance.
00:20:41Yeah? Well, he'll have to get up pretty early in the morning...
00:20:44to pull the wool over Jesse W. Haywood's eyes.
00:20:46Much obliged.
00:20:48Love your hat.
00:21:01Mr. Swanson?
00:21:04Oh. Howdy.
00:21:06I'd like to see you, Mr. Swanson, about getting a good rig and a team.
00:21:09Tofu Georgina.
00:21:11Huh?
00:21:13Well, I don't know anything about that.
00:21:15And you can tell that just because I'm from out of town...
00:21:17I don't mean I don't know what it's all about.
00:21:30Good day, sir.
00:21:32Abel Swanson, proprietor. At your service.
00:21:34Dr. Jesse W. Haywood. Dennis. Philadelphia.
00:21:36Ah! A professional man.
00:21:38What a pleasure to do business with a man of science.
00:21:40Wong? Our house is honored by the presence of a physician.
00:21:43Dong Tsui Chau.
00:21:45Dong Tsui Chau.
00:21:52Wong reveals knowledge.
00:21:54We are at your service.
00:21:56Well, I want to get a rig and a couple of good, strong horses...
00:21:59and I'll pay nothing but a fair price.
00:22:01It's a pleasure to do business with a discerning man.
00:22:04Now, everything you need is right over here.
00:22:06There's a potbelly stove.
00:22:08There's a potbelly stove, wrought iron skillet...
00:22:1020 pounds of flour, one axe, two extra hammers.
00:22:12Now, let's see. A stove, $7.50.
00:22:14Skillet, $4.20. Flour, $8.50. Knives, $7.50.
00:22:16Add that up, will you, Wong?
00:22:20That comes to $47 even.
00:22:22Now for the rag. I have one picked out...
00:22:24Hold it! Hold it!
00:22:26$47. Just let this see.
00:22:28The stove was $7.50.
00:22:30Skillet was $4.20. That's $11.70.
00:22:32Ben, you have...
00:22:34Have you ever been in the Orient, sir? Huh?
00:22:36Have you ever been in the Orient?
00:22:38No, I never have.
00:22:40That's amazing. Simply amazing.
00:22:42Wong, observe the analytical mind of the trained scientist.
00:22:45Skill in the arts of mathematics, physics, chemistry.
00:22:48Able to understand the machinations of the Orient for calculating abacus.
00:22:52Run over those figures again for him, Wong.
00:22:57Yeah, it's $47, all right.
00:22:59Extraordinary mind. You, sir, are amazing.
00:23:02Now, let's put you into a wagon.
00:23:04Right this way.
00:23:07You are indeed a fortunate man.
00:23:09This is your lucky day.
00:23:11The wagon you are beholding, soon to be yours,
00:23:13is the only one of its kind west of the Mississippi.
00:23:15How much is it?
00:23:16Built to the finest oak.
00:23:17Once owned by one of the great pioneers of our West,
00:23:19the late Sir Lincoln Boone.
00:23:23I know this is no time to bring this up,
00:23:25but how much is it?
00:23:27Excuse me.
00:23:28I'll let it go for $100.
00:23:30How much?
00:23:31$150.
00:23:33Now, that seems kind of expensive to me.
00:23:35Expensive?
00:23:36Too expensive for a vehicle worthy of transporting,
00:23:38one of the great scientific minds of our day?
00:23:40Sir, this wagon befits you.
00:23:42Wong.
00:23:43Sir.
00:23:44Sir.
00:23:45Sir.
00:23:46Sir.
00:23:47Sir.
00:23:48Sir.
00:23:49Sir.
00:23:50Sir.
00:23:51Wong, let us not forget,
00:23:53our house is honored by the presence of a physician.
00:23:55Dong Sui Chow.
00:23:56Dong Sui Chow.
00:23:57Well, no, wait a minute.
00:23:58That's enough.
00:23:59Listen, I think $150 will be okay.
00:24:01So, Wong, add that up.
00:24:04$47.50.
00:24:05Dong Sui Chow.
00:24:07That comes to $232.55.
00:24:09$232.55?
00:24:12That is correct.
00:24:14Well, figures don't lie.
00:24:17That's an even $250 with the territory tax.
00:24:19And that'll be cash, of course.
00:24:20Territory tax?
00:24:21Oh, no.
00:24:25Gracias.
00:24:26It was a pleasure doing business with you, sir.
00:24:28Chop, chop.
00:24:29I'll see you.
00:24:30Oh, wait a minute.
00:24:31I almost forgot.
00:24:32What about the horses?
00:24:33Surely you jest.
00:24:34There hasn't been a horse for sale around here in over three weeks.
00:24:37Wait a second.
00:24:38If you don't have any horses for sale,
00:24:39how come you sold me that wagon and all that stuff?
00:24:42We just like to keep busy.
00:24:43Now, you have no right to...
00:24:44What time do you have, sir?
00:24:475.30.
00:24:48We're closed.
00:24:49What?
00:24:50Now, just wait a minute!
00:24:51Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
00:24:53Wait!
00:24:54How am I going to get out west if I don't have any horses?
00:24:57Cheaters!
00:24:58Cheaters?
00:25:01Advocates can jack us!
00:25:19Come on.
00:25:37Mr. Huggins?
00:25:38That's right.
00:25:39Penelope Cushings.
00:25:40Won't you come in?
00:25:43Now, what can I do for you, Miss Cushings?
00:25:45Wes!
00:25:46First, I must warn you, I'm not taking on any new clients.
00:25:48I expect to be leaving town shortly.
00:25:50The moon is on the wane.
00:25:53You?
00:25:54You were looking for a woman, weren't you?
00:25:56Well, yes, but you're...
00:25:58Well, not like you.
00:26:00Expecting someone a bit more horsey?
00:26:03Sort of.
00:26:04Well, I'm what they came up with,
00:26:06so let's get down to business.
00:26:08We're going to take the wagon train to San Miguel
00:26:10with you posing as my wife.
00:26:12Oh?
00:26:13It's strictly federal business.
00:26:14Once there, we get in touch with Will Banks.
00:26:16You've got a rig?
00:26:17Waiting out in the staging area.
00:26:19Any notion as to how the rifles are getting to the Indians?
00:26:22Nope.
00:26:23There could even be some on the wagon train we're taking.
00:26:27Well, now, do you have everything you need?
00:26:28Yes, I think so.
00:26:29Good.
00:26:30We'll leave day after tomorrow.
00:26:31Let's sun up.
00:26:33Strictly federal business.
00:26:35Strictly.
00:26:36Done and done.
00:26:47Amen.
00:27:10That's Sam Huggins, the lawyer.
00:27:12Who did it?
00:27:13Shot scaper across the street.
00:27:14This fella just staggered into the hotel.
00:27:16Dr. Giffords out of town. Wait a minute. There's a doctor right here in the hotel
00:27:22Dr. Jesse W. Heywood room three. Come on Lyle Ernie. Come on
00:27:39Hurry it up. You don't answer
00:27:41Oh
00:27:45Darn you Lyle
00:27:55Please wake up doctor. We have an emergency in the lobby
00:28:11All right, everybody stand back give this man air he's probably got a badly impacted wisdom too. You fool. Here's the trouble
00:28:26Oh
00:28:38You sure handle that nice last night doc
00:28:50Morning
00:28:55Oh
00:29:01Look I hope I didn't give the hotel a bad name my painting. I mean I feel bad about that
00:29:05It'll make me feel terrible your shoes untied. Huh? Oh
00:29:08Thank you. Well, I'm just
00:29:12Tired over here
00:29:20Ma'am ma'am
00:29:23Just
00:29:30Ma'am ma'am
00:29:32Excuse me, ma'am. I
00:29:35Just wanted to express my deepest sympathy and to apologize for well what happened to me there last night
00:29:42See, actually, I'm a dentist. See I'm not a doctor and well when I see something like that
00:29:47I just sort of go all fuzzy
00:29:49What's a tender ninny like you doing out here in the first place
00:29:55Ma'am
00:29:57I realize that that may have come about as a result of your grief, but I don't like to be called a tender ninny
00:30:05Tender ninny
00:30:08Okay, all right now, all right, I'm gonna tell you something
00:30:12I'm in teeth and I came out here all the way from Philadelphia
00:30:16A single-handed to fight oral ignorance and I intend to go further west west is that way?
00:30:22West and I'm gonna find me a couple of horses and I'm leaving on the next wagon train out now
00:30:26What do you think about that?
00:30:29Are you going to take your tree and your dog along with you?
00:30:47I'm sorry about your husband passing on man, but rules rules and I got to stick to him. No women alone on the wagon train
00:30:53Look, mr. Welsh. I have got to get on this wagon train. No single women company rule. Well, I've got to find some way
00:31:00Well, the only thing I can recommend is you find yourself a husband by 5 o'clock tomorrow morning a husband
00:31:05Mm-hmm. All you need is something wearing pants going that way
00:31:09Oh
00:31:39Oh
00:32:00Hello dentist
00:32:04Hello
00:32:06It's you aren't you going to ask me to come in? Huh? Oh, sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh
00:32:19Oh, I like to keep my hand in
00:32:26I'm sorry to bother you like this, but I have a terrible toothache
00:32:33Is it in your mouth, oh, yeah, it would be wouldn't it
00:32:38Sure. Well, uh, you just sit right down there
00:32:42I probably should have made an appointment. I realize how busy you must be. Oh, golly heck. There's always
00:32:49always room for an emerge
00:32:53Emergency
00:33:03I just
00:33:07Went uh, well
00:33:11I'll tell you what. Could you just open your mouth?
00:33:32I
00:33:38Need my mirror
00:33:45That's okay
00:33:49Get something else here. Oh
00:33:52You know something when you turned away I noticed your profile it's really very attractive
00:34:00Oh
00:34:09Your hands, oh, they're lovely the hands of a surgeon
00:34:22Well
00:34:25Hands have always run my family
00:34:30Do you know what I think I think you're very nice
00:34:36You know what I think I
00:34:40Think I might think
00:34:49How did a wonderful professional man like you escape marriage all these years
00:34:55Oh
00:34:56I've always felt I was a little too thin for marriage. Oh and besides
00:35:02My main mission in life right now is to go west
00:35:06How strange fate is I to him alone and going west and suddenly out of the blue sky I
00:35:16meet you a
00:35:18big
00:35:21Tall
00:35:24Handsome man
00:35:31Now, wait a minute, just wait a minute, I don't even know you I'm crazy about you
00:35:37Isn't that enough now then the witnesses there mrs
00:35:39Longbow and slosh white at 25 cents each payable immediately following the ceremony fine
00:35:43Can we speed it up Reverend the wagon train leaves in an hour? This is so sudden miss Cushing's
00:35:47I mean, you just don't fix a tooth one minute and then get married the next song is 50 cents extra
00:35:52Would you like the song? Yes, fine
00:35:58Let's go reverend during the music. Yes
00:36:04The only beloved we are gathered here now, wait a minute hold it I
00:36:08Can't get married without telling my mother. There isn't any time. We've got to catch the wagon train
00:36:15Jesse Jesse
00:36:17My mother will never get over this. He'll just never forgive me for this
00:36:19We are assembled here in the presence of God to join together this man and this now what we're strangers
00:36:25You know that I mean, I'd at least like you to meet my mother. Maybe even her friend Celia speed it up reverend
00:36:29He's instructed those who went into this relationship, etc
00:36:32Now that's not Episcopalian by the authority invested in me by the church. I declare that you Penelope and you
00:36:39Jesse and you Jesse are hereby man and wife
00:36:44Just hold it hold it. I don't I don't feel at all that this is actually I mean the whole the thing
00:36:50Mm-hmm
00:36:58Yeah, I think we better hurry put on catch that wagon train
00:37:05Well, well, well you did a man what's the new name dr. Mr. Jesse W. Heywood, well good for you
00:37:10You ready to go wagons west. That's a ticket. Just pull up behind that last wagon, right?
00:37:15I'm sorry. I'm just a darn excited
00:37:24Mr. And mrs. Hiram Remington Atlanta, dr. And mrs. Jesse W. Heywood, Philadelphia
00:37:35Dr. And mrs. Jesse W. Heywood, Philadelphia
00:37:38reverend sack began and my loyal minion Matthew back
00:37:42nice couple
00:37:45Right, what are you trying to do get us thrown in jail? Oh
00:37:47A pretty little thing like that and a derby dude ain't likely to be federal man. Can't trust anybody
00:37:54Now remember
00:37:56I
00:38:21Just can't believe it
00:38:24Tonight's our wedding night
00:38:29The hours will stop
00:38:33Make camp
00:38:35Have a little supper
00:38:38Beddy-bye
00:38:53I
00:39:15Was in the same boat as you 35 years ago, that's right. I'll never forget my wedding night as long as I live
00:39:20I bet I cried like a baby
00:39:23I
00:39:29Almost done
00:39:40Penelope
00:39:43Penelope
00:39:45What do you want?
00:39:47Are you Betty bye? I suppose so
00:39:54I
00:39:56Guard did he dr. Heywood? You're kidding
00:40:16Coyote
00:40:23I
00:40:53I
00:40:58Come to relieve you doc, I reckon you got some chores you want to fulfill
00:41:20I'm back
00:41:23I
00:41:53I
00:42:23I
00:42:49Couldn't sleep so I decided to take a walk. That's all
00:42:53Well, you'd be lonesome too if your husband were on guard duty, it's our wedding night
00:43:03Lover's quarrel, that's all. All right back to bed. Gosh, honey. I didn't realize you missed me so much. I
00:43:12Wonder what she's up to
00:43:14What you get is that she's got the sweets on me. I have the same trouble every place I go
00:43:19Women just come running after me wanting to kiss me on the mouth
00:43:23I
00:43:53I
00:44:23I
00:44:53I
00:45:23I
00:45:53I
00:46:23I
00:46:35Winchester Heywood wagon fitting with us Remington Tyler some you man. Let's go
00:46:54I
00:47:19Didn't know you could shoot like that
00:47:24I
00:47:36Would have believed docs a gutty little Gus
00:47:54Hey right there
00:48:10Doc Heywood Indian fighter
00:48:14Hey doc, tell us just how'd you kill all the means I give a chance to clear the dust out of his throat
00:48:19Come on, dr. Rico. Oh
00:48:22Well
00:48:33Doesn't pay to drink too fast when you're thirsty
00:48:39Hey doc now we here tell it you kind of fell far behind the main wagon train, how did that happen?
00:48:45Well, I'll tell you
00:48:48That was on purpose
00:48:50There was a reason for that
00:48:52You see it was all part of the plan. It's all part of the plan
00:48:59As I said it was all part of the plan
00:49:02See I've been spotting their signs for quite a while. He wasn't spotting their signs
00:49:10One maybe two months
00:49:12Maybe two months and then a plan began the formulating in my mind you plan began formulating in his mind. I
00:49:23Figured I'd lay back a ways and draw him off the main body
00:49:28That was to give the wagon train a chance to get away
00:49:37See there's one thing you gotta keep in mind about Indians
00:49:41Them Indians is ten times as scared as you are. Yeah
00:49:46Didn't mean to scare Indian fighter
00:49:50Character one of ours
00:49:56I wonder what that skinny little Philadelphia Jasper could be a federal agent
00:50:04You sure look like a dentist to me
00:50:07How would you know you ain't never seen a dentist in your life no need to poke fun at my only weak point
00:50:21I don't know what you're talking about lady. I'm a roofer been a roofer all my life
00:50:25Don't know nothing about the federal government Sam Huggins would be talking to you now, but they shot him
00:50:32Get my way
00:50:36I
00:51:00Knew it the whole dentist outfit was a dodge. Look at those clothes. He's a gunny for sure
00:51:07I
00:51:24Yep Matthew, that's our man. We've got to get rid of him. How you gonna do it simple
00:51:28I'll have you pick a fight with him gun him down in the street
00:51:31Now, I'll wait a minute Reverend. I ain't gonna tangle with him
00:51:34What's the matter afraid he'll kill you
00:51:36That's part of it. The main thing is if he nicks me why this car will just ruin my look
00:52:00I'll get a professional I
00:52:02Hear that Arnold kids in town good
00:52:06Heck you're always better off with a specialist. Anyway, yeah, well, I'll sure know where to look if I ever need a coward
00:52:20Arnold kill Heyward. I'll give you $600. All right. I'll give you $850
00:52:28All right, I'll give you $1,000
00:52:30All right, I'll give you $1,000
00:52:54They told me this outfit was an original
00:52:56Get out of my way
00:52:58What?
00:52:59You heard me get out of my way
00:53:02Well now just who do you think you are?
00:53:07Arnold the kid
00:53:10Doc the hay one
00:53:14That name don't scare you
00:53:18It scares me this much
00:53:29Oh
00:53:41All right, mr. Kid now you've gone just a little bit too far you're really asking for it
00:53:48Make you play I'll make my play
00:53:51To make my play
00:53:57If it he do can have a dip double dare knock off the chip
00:54:01Now what's this all about? You don't know what that's all about. I'll tell you what that's all about
00:54:05You knock off that chip and you'll see what it's all about
00:54:16Okay, all right
00:54:18Okay, I'm gonna tell you something right now
00:54:20You just happen to know what I did. Do you happen to know what it did?
00:54:23Well, I'll tell you what I did. I killed 12 Indians and two horses in one fight. Now, how do you like those bananas?
00:54:33That's the word to clear the street I'll meet you here in half an hour
00:54:41Where you go
00:54:48I
00:55:05Think you might have something with that minister Gant they checked on him back. He's knee ain't no Pentecostal and he sure ain't no Mormon
00:55:12They couldn't find one persuasion that ever heard tell of him. Those Bible boxes were sure long and heavy. Hey
00:55:18Maybe you and your husband could scout around the church. See what's in them boxes
00:55:23Forget my husband
00:55:25He's just some Philadelphia J. I got tied up with to get me out here
00:55:28The sooner I get rid of him the better appears to me like he could be of some help
00:55:32I hear he's pretty good with a six-gun
00:55:48I
00:56:16What's going on that's Hayward up
00:56:18Practicing I heard two shots
00:56:21That means he's got four to go
00:56:48I
00:57:11That's six call him out
00:57:18I
00:57:20Would
00:57:24Did you want me for something been exactly a half hour
00:57:48Oh
00:57:58Heywood I'm even gonna let you draw first. Thank you
00:58:18A
00:58:21Seven shooter
00:58:39What'd you do that for I thought you wanted to get rid of that G I
00:58:44I don't know something just come over me
00:59:00Penny
00:59:05But the only thing say of me was the old killer instinct
00:59:08What about supper I've got something to do I'll see you later
00:59:19Well, all right, where are you gonna be later I'll be around yeah
00:59:24Darn women so excitable
00:59:29Whenever you're ready let it hold it like that now
00:59:33That's dandy
00:59:35Thank you
00:59:36That'll be a real nice picture for us. The man who got Honnold the kid. Well, I guess we don't need this anymore
00:59:42Oh say can I have that? I'd kind of like to keep it for a souvenir. Sure. I'll help yourself
00:59:47Leonard get that picture developed as soon as you can. Hey, you want me to give you a hand with this? Yes, please
01:00:05I
01:00:16Have you seen this lady Ola the church gracias senor
01:00:24Oh
01:00:37What's the matter I heard something
01:00:53I
01:01:23Think shut up
01:01:34Hey, keep it quiet
01:01:38I've been looking all over town for you. What do you want?
01:01:41Is that you
01:01:43Yes, that's me
01:01:45Explain one of these days, but not right now
01:01:49Believe this I just got you mean you're a thief of cattle rustler. What's this all about?
01:01:53I'll explain it later right now. I'm on government business like what like stealing rifles from a nice church
01:02:02It's her she's the agent let's get her no not now, let's wait. Okay. What are you here?
01:02:08It's really none of your business now, let's get out of here
01:02:16Government business what kind of government business hold your voice down, but I don't get it one minute
01:02:20You're a bank robber the next minute you're working for the government. Oh
01:02:23right
01:02:24It's true. I am bad penny cushions
01:02:28But the government said they clean up my record if I did this job for them. What job I can't tell you anymore
01:02:37Now look, I don't know if you realize but our marriage is getting pretty shaky now, I want to know what's going on
01:02:43All right
01:02:45Now can I count on you to keep this quiet?
01:02:47Hold your voice down cars the government promised me amnesty if I found out who's smuggling rifles to the Indians
01:02:54It's Gant and bash can't bash the minister is loyal minion. He's no minister and he's no minion
01:03:02I
01:03:13Don't know penny everything's just moving too fast first you came to me with a toothache
01:03:17We got married we got on the wagon train bang bang bang. Hooray. Hooray, then I find out you're a crook
01:03:21Then you're not a crook. You're working with the government. Everything's just moving too fast poor little dude. You're tired, aren't you?
01:03:28Well, I think the best thing to do is to go to bed
01:03:32Huh? I said I think the best thing to do is to go to bed
01:03:38Are you changing? Uh-huh
01:03:43I'll just change in the closet
01:04:03Yeah
01:04:27You can't sleep like that those spurs will kill me I've got to get to Fort Tyler to get the military
01:04:31You said I mean, I thought that we Fort Tyler. Don't you understand if the Indians get those rifles, they'll wipe out this town. Oh
01:04:40Yeah, yeah. Well, I better come with you then. I'm pretty handy with a gun, you know
01:04:44I'm afraid not dentist. You couldn't hit a bleeding elephant in the snow
01:04:49Twelve Indians two horses and Arnold the kid
01:04:52Look, you might as well. No, I shot the Indians from inside wagon and Arnold the kid from window
01:04:58What do you mean? I didn't I mean none of those
01:05:04Nobody nobody
01:05:11I'm sorry to have to tell you that dentist, but I wouldn't want you to come with me. You might get hurt
01:05:18Are you coming back? I'm afraid not but
01:05:23You're my wife
01:05:26You're my wife that was just to get on the wagon train
01:05:34I'm sorry
01:05:40Via con Dios amigo
01:05:47Gracias
01:05:55There is
01:06:15Just a minute
01:06:19There's something that I I have to tell you well, come on Doc speak up
01:06:26I
01:06:34Don't want you to think that I'm not grateful for the drinks and for your all being so nice and everything
01:06:40but
01:06:42Well, I'm just gonna tell you straight out
01:06:46Doc the Haywood the well-known Indian fighter is a fake
01:06:55It's absolutely true
01:06:58Just as long as I'm standing in here right here right now. It's the truth
01:07:01Well back somebody killed them dozen Indians now who killed him?
01:07:06My wife
01:07:10Just a second hold her up you got the kid because we all seen it, right?
01:07:16You got him Zang with one shot where you was a falling down
01:07:20Yeah, my wife got him from a window I wasted all my shots like a darn dumbbell don't you remember I
01:07:28Shot two at the can two at the sign one at the skillet
01:07:36And one in the pants
01:07:40All right now hold it I was watching the whole thing now, let's see there was uh
01:07:45there was
01:07:46two at can
01:07:47two at the sign
01:07:49one at the skillet
01:07:52And one in the pants
01:07:55Two at the can two at the sign one at the skillet
01:08:17Oh
01:08:40That's the story of my life, you know
01:08:43two things
01:08:44Have always been my downfall
01:08:48I have always been the most failure of anybody and I'm too thin
01:08:56Now I think you're too thin yeah, it's all bloat
01:09:02Bloat and thin failure, that's me. I
01:09:05Think you're wonderful. I just love a man that can't make his mark in life
01:09:13Penny
01:09:15Penny she's right something
01:09:19You know, she used me she tricked me
01:09:24She made me think that she loved oh
01:09:30I
01:09:32Should have known better
01:09:36Nobody ever loved me
01:09:39Did you know I had to take my own cousin to the graduation dance
01:09:43I
01:09:48Threw up on her dress you are really my kind of guy I
01:10:02Got on a romance track
01:10:05Then I got on a gun a singer's track. I
01:10:09Gotta get back on that dentist track
01:10:14Go ahead laugh
01:10:16Laugh while you like
01:10:18I'm not a failure. I'm a dentist a
01:10:22real dentist
01:10:25And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
01:10:28I'm gonna spread dental health through the West like a plague
01:10:34Come on I want to close up
01:10:36I
01:10:49Brush your dentist twice a day and visit your toothbrush once a year
01:11:06I
01:11:36I
01:12:06I
01:12:36I
01:13:06I
01:13:36I
01:14:06I
01:14:36I
01:15:06I
01:15:36Hey
01:16:07I mean we give out tallies 181
01:16:20Girl I think I know her
01:16:23Wait a minute women. Isn't that laughing dear daughter? No, the dear girl married white antelope
01:16:30rotten buffaloes cousin
01:16:36Oh
01:17:06I
01:17:37Oh
01:17:49What day what day Oh what day
01:18:00Dentist you're crazy. Are you all right? Except for these bindings? They're killing my head
01:18:04Oh, I think the best time to get out is after they all get a little drunker
01:18:08You know something you're a lot spunkier than I thought you were I get that for my mother
01:18:27He's crazy
01:18:34I
01:19:04I
01:19:34I
01:20:04I
01:20:34I
01:20:53Reverend minion now if it ain't Doc Heywood gunfighter
01:21:04Phony gunfighter
01:21:07Hey doctor
01:21:09How about us having a real gunfight? Huh? And to make it even it'll be just you against me and a good Reverend here now
01:21:17What do you think about that?
01:21:19You want to know what I think about that?
01:21:21Well, I'll just show you what I think about that
01:21:27Well
01:21:34Put it on a word
01:22:05Anytime you're ready
01:22:24Let's go
01:22:34Oh
01:22:46What a
01:22:56Rider coming in
01:23:05Get ready they're coming get the women the kids back into the church get back in the church
01:23:22Well, they're sure taking their sweet time about it devil
01:23:34Doc Heywood's with it. It sure is. Oh, but not boys. Everything's on a control
01:23:51Take my friend Black Eagle and fix him up with a big rare steak
01:23:58Adjustments are free up to 60 days after that. It's a dollar visit
01:24:04I'm so glad you're back
01:24:34So
01:25:04You