Orders Are Orders (1954)
78 min | Comedy | October 1954 (UK)
Movie company wants to shoot a science-fiction film using an Army barracks as location, and its soldiers as actors. Of course, the Commander doesn't like it a bit, and persuades the crew to use a nearby haunted house instead.
Director: David Paltenghi
Writers: Anthony Armstrong (play), Ian Hay (play)
Stars: Peter Sellers, Brian Reece, Margot Grahame, Raymond Huntley
78 min | Comedy | October 1954 (UK)
Movie company wants to shoot a science-fiction film using an Army barracks as location, and its soldiers as actors. Of course, the Commander doesn't like it a bit, and persuades the crew to use a nearby haunted house instead.
Director: David Paltenghi
Writers: Anthony Armstrong (play), Ian Hay (play)
Stars: Peter Sellers, Brian Reece, Margot Grahame, Raymond Huntley
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
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00:06:56Hiya, bud.
00:06:57Hello, what's your business?
00:06:58Borscht and spritzers.
00:07:00Have a cigar.
00:07:01Oh, thanks very much.
00:07:02I got a date with Colonel Bellamy.
00:07:03Have you got a pass?
00:07:04Pass?
00:07:05Ed Wagamise should have a pass.
00:07:06Well, just hang on a minute, will you?
00:07:08♪
00:07:25You two never break my heart.
00:07:27Oh, yeah.
00:07:29Okay, okay, I saw it first.
00:07:32Squad, attention.
00:07:34Right turn.
00:07:36Quick march.
00:07:38I knew it.
00:07:39What?
00:07:40She's here.
00:07:41Who?
00:07:42Joanne.
00:07:43Blimey.
00:07:44♪
00:07:46Back on to the edge.
00:07:47Yes.
00:07:48♪
00:07:51Yes.
00:07:52♪
00:08:08That'll be all, drop in.
00:08:09Yes, sir.
00:08:10Yes, sir.
00:08:12Hello, Joanne.
00:08:13Hello.
00:08:14I'm so glad you came. Are you alone?
00:08:15Oh, no.
00:08:16I came in Mr Wagamise's car.
00:08:17Oh.
00:08:18And Wanda Sinclair and Lincoln Green,
00:08:19he's Mr Wagamise's latest discovery,
00:08:22with Miss Marigold, she's continuity.
00:08:23Oh, good Lord, have they come too?
00:08:24Everyone's come.
00:08:26With the assistant director and the sound engineer
00:08:28and some cameramen,
00:08:29oh, and a script writer.
00:08:30They'll be here any moment now.
00:08:32Oh, look, let me show you around
00:08:33before they close in on us.
00:08:36Right turn.
00:08:39To Wagamise, go ahead.
00:08:40Open the gates.
00:08:43♪
00:09:02♪
00:09:21Later, baby, later.
00:09:23♪
00:09:53Hey!
00:09:55Hey!
00:10:00Come on, now, move!
00:10:01Come on, get that stuff out of sight!
00:10:03Don't let nobody see that stuff!
00:10:04Come on!
00:10:05Come on!
00:10:06Come on!
00:10:07Come on!
00:10:08♪
00:10:27Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:10:28Bring it on!
00:10:29Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:10:32Where can I find the big shop?
00:10:34The big shop, miss?
00:10:35Why, sure.
00:10:36Men who give orders are out here.
00:10:38Oh, well, uh, if you don't mind me, sir,
00:10:40I'll give voice to him myself, but, uh,
00:10:42if you care to step into the office and spare some ideas, uh...
00:10:45There, I'll see you in the office.
00:10:47A wonderful place.
00:10:49I'm with Mr. Wagamire over there.
00:10:51Mr. Wagamire.
00:10:52A Wagamire.
00:10:57Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:10:59Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:11:00Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:11:02Hey, you there!
00:11:03What?
00:11:04Mr. Wagamire, come on in.
00:11:06Meet Mr. Slea, Mr. Wagamire.
00:11:08How are you, Mr. Slea? Have a cigar.
00:11:10Is it all right?
00:11:11At the price you're paying, you should worry.
00:11:13This is Miss Wanda Sinclair.
00:11:15Mr. Slea and I got acquainted quite a while ago.
00:11:17He's in charge of the offices around here.
00:11:19Top sergeant?
00:11:20Sergeant?
00:11:21I don't mix with people like that at all.
00:11:23Sergeant's aren't allowed in here.
00:11:24They've got to wait outside.
00:11:26Oh, and who is this gentleman?
00:11:28Mr. Goffin, my assistant.
00:11:30He means colleague.
00:11:31Well, how do you do?
00:11:32How are you, Mr. Goffin?
00:11:33Have a cigar.
00:11:34Oh, thank you.
00:11:35Can I smoke it later?
00:11:36Sure.
00:11:38Is there anything that I can do to help you?
00:11:40Yeah, you can help me find your colonel right away.
00:11:42Oh, well, I'm afraid we can't do that, Mr. Wagamire.
00:11:45But I telephoned him to expect me.
00:11:46Why ain't he here?
00:11:47Well, he's gone home for the weekend.
00:11:48Every time I try to make a date with a guy in this country,
00:11:51he's gone on a weekend.
00:11:52Even if I try on Wednesday, he'd have just left
00:11:54or he ain't come back yet.
00:11:55Ed, pipe down.
00:11:56You can't shoot your face off around here.
00:11:57Well, why ain't there somebody in this dump with some authority?
00:12:00Yeah.
00:12:01Perhaps we could help you, Mr. Wagamire.
00:12:04Maybe you could, fellas.
00:12:05Look, I'm shooting a movie.
00:12:07A great big 100% pretty picture.
00:12:09Cut out the propaganda.
00:12:10I'm shooting a movie,
00:12:11and I want to feature all your enlisted men in it, see?
00:12:13And officers.
00:12:14And officers.
00:12:15Now, look, I know somebody's got to be fixed.
00:12:17Listen.
00:12:19Miss St. Clair, would you mind?
00:12:20I want to talk kind of private with these fellas.
00:12:22Could you take yourself five minutes someplace else?
00:12:24Why, sure.
00:12:25I'll go find Lincoln Green.
00:12:27I'll be seeing you boys later.
00:12:29Goodbye, madam.
00:12:31Isn't she a nice lady?
00:12:32Yeah, she's the greatest.
00:12:33Now, come here, fellas.
00:12:34Look, I like her.
00:12:35Oh, do you?
00:12:36Sure, why not?
00:12:37Now, look, you can help me.
00:12:38What's the usual craft?
00:12:39Craft?
00:12:40Yeah.
00:12:41Who's the guy high up that's got to be fixed?
00:12:42Do you mean the man who's got to be squared
00:12:44before you can get all the troops you want?
00:12:45That's it.
00:12:46He's smart.
00:12:47Tell me, is it top sergeant like with us?
00:12:48Oh, no.
00:12:49No.
00:12:50No, he's no good.
00:12:51No good.
00:12:52You mean I've got to go higher up yet?
00:12:53So tell me.
00:12:55That colonel.
00:12:56What?
00:12:58It's just as bad in your country as it is in ours.
00:13:00Yeah.
00:13:01Does the British nation know about this?
00:13:02Not a word.
00:13:03It never gets out.
00:13:04Why not?
00:13:05You tell him, Mr. Slate.
00:13:07Well, there's wheels within wheels.
00:13:08That's terrible.
00:13:09Still, I've got to have protection,
00:13:11so I've got to pay for it, ain't I?
00:13:12Yeah.
00:13:13Can you fix things with this colonel?
00:13:14Well, yeah.
00:13:15I only said to him yesterday,
00:13:16I said, Fred, why don't you go home for the weekend?
00:13:18I'll look after things for you.
00:13:19You got something on him, huh?
00:13:20He's right under our thumb.
00:13:22He's like wax in a pot of hands.
00:13:23Yeah.
00:13:24Boys, I love you.
00:13:25Just one more tip.
00:13:26Oh, thank you.
00:13:27What's this going to cost me, Nat?
00:13:28Well, um, Mr. Slate and me,
00:13:30we'll have to go into conference
00:13:31and work out sort of an estimate for you.
00:13:33Sure.
00:13:34Could you meet us somewhere in about an hour's time?
00:13:35Sure.
00:13:36Where, here?
00:13:37No.
00:13:38No, not here.
00:13:39No.
00:13:40You see, we can't always keep the officers out.
00:13:41I come in, you know.
00:13:42Um, where shall we meet, Mr. Slate?
00:13:43How about outside the poison factory?
00:13:45Poison factory?
00:13:46Nothing.
00:13:47Cave.
00:13:48Like your PX.
00:13:49I'll find it.
00:13:50There you are.
00:13:53Good afternoon, Mr. Wagamart.
00:13:54How are you?
00:13:55I'm fine.
00:13:56I hope you haven't been waiting long.
00:13:57Five minutes, Captain Harper.
00:13:58Oh, well, won't you come and have a drink?
00:13:59How's it going?
00:14:00This is most inhospitable.
00:14:02Slate!
00:14:03Sir!
00:14:04A large whisky and soda for Mr. Wagamart.
00:14:05Sir!
00:14:07Oh, won't you sit down, Mr. Wagamart?
00:14:08Oh, thanks.
00:14:09Have a cigar.
00:14:10Not just now, thank you.
00:14:11I never touched them before dinner.
00:14:12Thank you very much.
00:14:13Well, you see, Cappy.
00:14:14Oh, thanks, Mr. Slate.
00:14:15The next round's on me.
00:14:16Get that and tell Mr. Goffin.
00:14:20This is real British hospitality.
00:14:22Have you seen much of the barracks, Mr. Wagamart?
00:14:24Sure.
00:14:25I've been all around.
00:14:26Swell place.
00:14:27Kind of decayed on spots, but swell.
00:14:31Extraordinary.
00:14:36I thought it was a band.
00:14:38Huh?
00:14:39Did you meet Mr. Cartwright as you came in?
00:14:40Mr. Cartwright?
00:14:41Would that be the fat guy standing out there trying to keep the flies off?
00:14:43Yes, he's conducting.
00:14:45Well, that's why he suggested I should do a musical.
00:14:48Cappy, I want to tell you.
00:14:49The more I think about it, the bigger and better the military side of this proposition looks to me.
00:14:53Look, if you'd like some tea, I'll have it sent out on the terrace.
00:14:55Then you can tell me what shot you want for the film.
00:14:57Don't bother.
00:14:58I'll stick to this.
00:14:59Your English tea kind of sours my stomach.
00:15:01I hear your colonel's gotten himself a wee gun.
00:15:03Yes, I'm sorry.
00:15:04Me too.
00:15:05I've got to square that guy.
00:15:06I'm deserted.
00:15:07I'm by myself.
00:15:08And I see the enemy coming on, so what can I do?
00:15:10I'll pick up me rifle and start setting them at it.
00:15:12Bang, I've got the first one.
00:15:13Bang, I've got another one.
00:15:14Blimey, the colonel!
00:15:15Fire!
00:15:20Hands up!
00:15:27Give it up, all these people.
00:15:50We thought you'd go on leave, sir.
00:15:51So it appears.
00:15:52What's the meaning of this infernal circus?
00:15:54Circus, sir?
00:15:55Who are these people?
00:15:56One, sir, is a Mr. Waggemar.
00:15:58Gentlemen, you'd better come along to my office and make me a proper report.
00:16:04Mr. Waggemar wants this to be a real British picture.
00:16:07Miss Barney, I want a taste.
00:16:08This is my 132th production, and I ain't made one that's folded up on me yet.
00:16:12How can a stage thing eat me?
00:16:13Fiddle, you're so far from the dining room.
00:16:15Ah, when I told them I was leaving, I broke them up.
00:16:17They said, Ed, stay here.
00:16:18No, stay here where we love you.
00:16:19But I came.
00:16:20Why?
00:16:21To enlarge my vision.
00:16:22That Waggemar name has always stood for something new.
00:16:25And I won't be disappointed, let me tell you.
00:16:27That's show business, pal.
00:16:29Beat the big drum.
00:16:30No names, no atmosphere.
00:16:31Mr. Waggemar, could you tell me...
00:16:32Yeah, I don't care if you're beating the big drum.
00:16:34The band is rehearsing for the Interregimental Contest next month,
00:16:36and I'd like your advice on the music.
00:16:39Ed.
00:16:40Anytime.
00:16:41Have a cigar.
00:16:42Wilfred, I find a great lack of understanding among my fellow officers.
00:16:47Oh, that's too bad.
00:16:49Mr. Waggemar is an American film director, sir.
00:16:51He's starting out on a big film of typical British life,
00:16:53as set in a garrison town like Bilgehurst, sir.
00:16:55You know the sort of thing, sir?
00:16:56No, I don't.
00:16:57Oh.
00:16:58I gather it was the reputation of the regiment for all-round smartness, sir.
00:17:00Half a dozen people seem to have told Mr. Waggemar.
00:17:02Oh, really?
00:17:03Yes, sir.
00:17:04He wants to take some shots of the troops at work and that sort of thing
00:17:06to include in his film.
00:17:07I wish you'd meet him.
00:17:08Well, a film with some decent stuff about British army for once
00:17:10might do quite a bit of good.
00:17:11All right, I'll see him.
00:17:12Oh, good, sir.
00:17:13Sir, Mr. Waggemar has brought one of his young ladies with him.
00:17:17A Miss Delamer.
00:17:18What film star?
00:17:19Just a very small one, sir.
00:17:21Big or small, my boy.
00:17:22I'm past all that.
00:17:23Do you know how old I am?
00:17:24Forty-two, sir.
00:17:25Fifteen.
00:17:26No, sir.
00:17:27Yes, sir.
00:17:28A widower of fifteen.
00:17:29Did something crop up to interfere with your weekend leave, sir?
00:17:31Ah, that's just what I wanted to talk to you about.
00:17:33What the devil's all this about the Navy coming here this afternoon?
00:17:35The Navy, sir?
00:17:36Well, not the whole Navy, of course.
00:17:37The Commodore Edwards, as far as I can gather.
00:17:38It was a telephone message after my quarters.
00:17:39Who's he?
00:17:40Well, if I do that, I shouldn't be wasting time asking you about it, should I?
00:17:43No, sir.
00:17:44Left, right, left, right, left, right.
00:17:46This Commodore Edwards, or whoever he is,
00:17:48he's coming here to see me on important business this afternoon.
00:17:50What the devil does he want in a barracks at all?
00:17:52Are you sure we haven't had any official notification?
00:17:54There was nothing in by 1.15 when I left the office, sir.
00:17:56And there's nobody been here.
00:17:58No Commodore Edwards, that is.
00:18:00Hmm.
00:18:01Well, I don't suppose he'll turn up now.
00:18:03Damn the Navy.
00:18:04I, uh, noticed a rather attracted redhead as I came in.
00:18:08Is she anything to do with this Wagamire fellow?
00:18:10Not really, Miss Sinclair, sir.
00:18:11Hmm.
00:18:12Hey, Link, you'd better see makeup.
00:18:14It's got it fixed.
00:18:15Well, if I knew what I was, I would.
00:18:17You'll soon know, brother.
00:18:18You're not selling hair cream now.
00:18:20Come on.
00:18:22Sir, may I introduce Miss Delamere?
00:18:25Uh, Joanne, uh, Miss Delamere.
00:18:27This is Colonel Bellamy.
00:18:28How do you do, Miss Delamere?
00:18:29Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:18:30This, as you will gather, sir, is Mr. Wagamire.
00:18:32How are you, Fred?
00:18:33Fred?
00:18:34Wow, for a time being Colonel, eh, Fred?
00:18:35I guess you know everybody here.
00:18:37That's Miss Delamere.
00:18:38That's Miss Bellamy.
00:18:40And my daughter.
00:18:41That's his daughter.
00:18:42Well, that's one on me.
00:18:43Never mind.
00:18:44I get one on you.
00:18:45So you didn't go away for the weekend, huh?
00:18:46No?
00:18:47No?
00:18:48Never mind.
00:18:49Leave it.
00:18:50We've got to talk private anyway.
00:18:51Come on.
00:18:52So I figure you stayed home on account of the telephone call I put through around about
00:18:542 o'clock.
00:18:55Was that from you?
00:18:56Sure it was from me.
00:18:57But my man said it was from a Commodore Edwards.
00:18:58Commodore Ed Wagamire.
00:18:59That's me.
00:19:00I told him on the phone that I was a Commodore so he shouldn't hang up on me.
00:19:03See?
00:19:04This is extraordinary.
00:19:05Then you're not a Commodore.
00:19:06I'm not a Commodore.
00:19:07I'm Commodore of the Wagamire and Fine Point Incorporated Studios Boat Sailing Club.
00:19:10All the kids over there call me Comm, but for you it's not necessary.
00:19:14Well, after all, why should you?
00:19:16Call me Ed.
00:19:17We're pals, ain't we?
00:19:18You boys stick around.
00:19:19This is going to be interesting.
00:19:20Here's the layout.
00:19:21We start off with a long shot of the Poisson Parade.
00:19:25Everybody's there.
00:19:26Thousands of them.
00:19:27Then we track back.
00:19:28And there's you, Colonel, in one of them fur hats on a horse.
00:19:31You got a horse?
00:19:33Mr. Wagamire, you're getting much too fuzz.
00:19:35Surely you realize there are rules and regulations governing this sort of thing.
00:19:38Even a commanding officer's not omnipotent, you know.
00:19:41But ah, shall we say, wheels within wheels.
00:19:44Oh, I get you, Colonel.
00:19:45Now, you see what your first move must be?
00:19:46I'm wise.
00:19:47Your proper course is to reply to me in writing through my adjutant
00:19:50stating expressly which military scenes and duties you wish to photograph.
00:19:54If I recommend it favorably, it'll then be referred to division.
00:19:56What, divisions?
00:19:58Perhaps I should say the general officer commanding the division
00:20:00whose sanction you must obtain, Sir Cuthbert Graham Fox.
00:20:04Colonel, couldn't we fix this general between us?
00:20:07Frame him?
00:20:08Frame him?
00:20:10Yeah, get something on him.
00:20:11Believe me, nobody called Cuthbert's ever been a good boy all that time.
00:20:14All we gotta do is dig something out of his past and pin it on him.
00:20:17Believe it to me, I know this racket.
00:20:19Wasn't I investigated by the Senate Committee myself?
00:20:22Where's this general's office?
00:20:23What's his phone number?
00:20:24Believe me, by Monday morning, I'll have Cuthbert just where I want him.
00:20:26Then I bring all my boys around here and we test you on everything.
00:20:29Ain't that the greatest?
00:20:31Mr. Wagon, you can go to the devil.
00:20:34But just one little test in Cinema Sculpt.
00:20:36I'm not even certain you're the person you represent yourself to be.
00:20:39I believe you're an imposter, sir.
00:20:40Now take the blasted circus away from here.
00:20:42Hold it.
00:20:43Don't move either.
00:20:45That's swell.
00:20:47What you...
00:20:49What personality.
00:20:53Leave this to me.
00:20:56Introduce me.
00:20:58Colonel, this is Miss Sinclair de Wagamaya Manners.
00:21:00Why not meet Colonel Ballamy?
00:21:02How do you do?
00:21:04Oh, the colonel.
00:21:06Oh, pardon me, I'm so embarrassed.
00:21:09Fancy speaking right out like that.
00:21:11Yelling at the colonel of a regiment as though he were an actor.
00:21:14I'll never forgive myself.
00:21:17I assure you, there's nothing to forgive, Miss Sinclair.
00:21:20Shall I tell you something?
00:21:23Shall I tell you something?
00:21:25Shall I tell you who I really thought you were?
00:21:29Dare I tell him, Ed?
00:21:31Take a chance, honey, take a chance.
00:21:33I thought you were some big new movie star that Ed Wagamaya had brought along to sort of surprise us.
00:21:38I said to Lincoln Green,
00:21:39Link, Ed's been holding out on us.
00:21:42Look how he's standing.
00:21:44Look at that smile.
00:21:46And guess what?
00:21:48I had a little bet with Ed.
00:21:50You did?
00:21:51Oh, yeah, I had a bet.
00:21:53What was that?
00:21:54Oh, I couldn't tell you that.
00:21:56Shall I?
00:21:57Well...
00:21:58No.
00:21:59No, I can't.
00:22:00Oh, come, come, what was it?
00:22:01Well, I said to Ed this afternoon,
00:22:03I'm going over to Bilchester Barracks to ask the colonel if we could take a few shots of the boys
00:22:08and maybe make a test of the colonel.
00:22:11And Ed said, Wanda, I bet you a dollar you don't get by.
00:22:14And I said, why not?
00:22:16And he said, do you think the colonel of the niftiest regiment in the whole of the British Army
00:22:21is going to pay any attention to a bunch of hoodlums like us?
00:22:24Look at us.
00:22:25Look at you.
00:22:26Look at me.
00:22:27You lose.
00:22:28You lose.
00:22:30That was the bet, colonel.
00:22:32Well, Sinclair,
00:22:35you win.
00:22:36You win.
00:22:47You win.
00:23:00You get that first team lined up in a gym.
00:23:02I'll go check the exteriors with Sol,
00:23:03and don't forget that guy's going to play the part of the general.
00:23:05Okay?
00:23:06Okay.
00:23:07Take it.
00:23:16Right.
00:23:33Ray guns and spacesuits, sir.
00:23:34Right.
00:23:35Put them down there.
00:23:36Right.
00:23:37This isn't a ceremonial parade.
00:23:38I said put them down there.
00:23:40Put them down there.
00:23:42Now, let's see.
00:23:43Suits, space glasses for the use of.
00:23:45Six.
00:23:47Rods, hypnotic glasses for the use of.
00:23:49Six.
00:23:50I suppose those are them, eh?
00:23:53What are they for, corporal?
00:23:55I read about them, sir.
00:23:56You just point it at a person and he becomes hypnotized.
00:23:59Oh, he does, does he?
00:24:01And who gave you permission to use them?
00:24:03What, sir?
00:24:04Never mind.
00:24:05Double up and get the rest.
00:24:06Some of this stuff's a bit heavy, sir.
00:24:08There's a couple of anti-spaceship guns atomic out there.
00:24:12I don't care whether you've got a twelve-seater flying saucer outside.
00:24:15Order these orders!
00:24:16Sir.
00:24:17Order!
00:24:19Double out and fetch in the rest of the issue.
00:24:25Well, anyway, Captain Harper, that's the way we do things in Hollywood.
00:24:29Oh, good morning, Captain Ledger.
00:24:31Good morning, miss.
00:24:32This is the gymnasium.
00:24:33Yeah, I kind of guessed it.
00:24:35Tell me, is Ed Wagamire not here yet?
00:24:37Oh, he's still talking to Saul Feinmesser.
00:24:39What on earth is all this stuff, Ledger?
00:24:41Stores, clothing and equipment belonging to the film company, sir.
00:24:44The colonel told me personally to help Mr. Naglewire.
00:24:47Wagamire.
00:24:48Yes, yes.
00:24:49Is there any more of this stuff, Ledger?
00:24:51Oh, masses and masses of it, sir.
00:24:56Tell me one thing, Clare.
00:24:58What's Mr. Wagamire's gain?
00:25:00Listen, Captain.
00:25:01You want to help Joanna Delamere make good in this film, don't you?
00:25:05How do you know that?
00:25:06Do you think I'm blind?
00:25:07You're in love with that girl.
00:25:09Now, come on, come on, tell mama.
00:25:12I suppose I am, really.
00:25:13What about it?
00:25:14Oh, these passionate Englishmen.
00:25:16Well, what about it?
00:25:17Are you going to tell her you love her?
00:25:19Or is it another of those big military secrets?
00:25:22Oh, I'm going to tell her.
00:25:23Oh, that's fine.
00:25:24I'm sure she'll appreciate it.
00:25:25Are you going to send her a postcard or something?
00:25:27Look, Miss Sinclair, I'll do everything I can to help,
00:25:29but goodness knows what the colonel's going to say when he sees all this stuff.
00:25:31Oh, don't worry about the colonel.
00:25:33I can fix him.
00:25:34Him and me's like that.
00:25:35Oh, really?
00:25:36Excuse me, sir.
00:25:37I was told to bring these refreshments over here.
00:25:39Oh, just lay them out over there somewhere, will you?
00:25:40Very good, sir.
00:25:41Oh, and say, talking about the colonel, heartthrob,
00:25:44isn't it about time you took your mind off the colonel's daughter?
00:25:47There's nothing between Veronica and me.
00:25:49Does she know that?
00:25:50Well, I mean, Veronica and I did get friendly in Aiden last year,
00:25:53but nothing serious, you know.
00:25:55You know how it goes.
00:25:56Oh, yes, yes, I can guess.
00:25:58I mean, Veronica's a pure romantic at heart.
00:26:00If I could just make her see me...
00:26:01Are you serious, sir?
00:26:02No, not just now. Thank you for coming.
00:26:03Yes.
00:26:04Why don't you have a talk with her?
00:26:06Take away my character.
00:26:07I'll give you a free hand.
00:26:08Oh, brother, you have been away a long time.
00:26:11This is the 20th century's second part.
00:26:14If you really wanted to make Veronica fall for you,
00:26:17let her lay hold of the idea you've got a murky past.
00:26:20Well, Veronica's mind may not work that way.
00:26:22Well, it won't come so easy for me.
00:26:25Say, listen.
00:26:26Can't you sort of dig up somebody with special knowledge?
00:26:30Well, I might ask John Broke.
00:26:32Does he know anything about your past?
00:26:34Well, we were together in Paris on V-E Day.
00:26:37Oh, well, that's fine.
00:26:39Let him give her an earful, and if it works out,
00:26:42you won't have to worry about being engaged to two girls at the same time.
00:26:46I say, thanks for being so helpful.
00:26:47Everything's laid out and ready, sir.
00:26:49Right.
00:26:50I'm telling you, engaged to two girls at once.
00:26:52That's what she said.
00:26:53He's half out of his mind about it.
00:26:55Well, you were there. You heard him.
00:26:57He wanted her to tell this Joanne a truth about his past
00:27:00and blast his character for it.
00:27:02I don't know. I suppose it ought to be easy.
00:27:04Ah, but she's not going to do it.
00:27:06I had a scrub round that.
00:27:07She's going to get Broke to do it.
00:27:09Broke?
00:27:10Yes.
00:27:11Well, I think he's making a fatal mistake there.
00:27:13Why?
00:27:14Broke couldn't half give the accident away if he wanted to.
00:27:17The fact is, me being his personal valet for a number of years,
00:27:21he ought to charge me.
00:27:23I know things about our age that Broke's never even heard of, I do.
00:27:26Well, if it comes to that, I could shop him myself.
00:27:29Here.
00:27:30Well, that's an idea.
00:27:32Why shouldn't you and me lend an hand?
00:27:34A sort of counter-offensive, like.
00:27:37You mean sort of stir it all up, like?
00:27:40Yes, that's not a bad idea.
00:27:43Here, that's that wagamama.
00:27:45Don't forget, we've got to cop the lolly off him before we do anything else at all.
00:27:50Come on, Flash. This is the place.
00:27:53Hi, fellas. How's it coming?
00:27:55Morning, Mr. Wagamama.
00:27:56How are you?
00:27:57Everything fixed okay?
00:27:58How are you, Slink?
00:28:00We was glad we was able to arrange everything so well for you, Mr. Wagamama.
00:28:04Took a bit of doing, though, didn't it, Mr. Slink?
00:28:06I should say so. I don't suppose anybody else could have arranged it but us.
00:28:09You like cookies, huh?
00:28:10Yeah. Have a glass of sherry, Mr. Wagamama. I like the officer's drink.
00:28:13Oh, I love you.
00:28:14Here's half.
00:28:15Mr. Wagamama, when would it be convenient to settle?
00:28:20That was good. Settle?
00:28:21Yeah, for the use of the troops as arranged.
00:28:24See, well, Colonel's getting a bit restless, like.
00:28:27Is that guy hollering for his rake-off already?
00:28:29Well, something on account.
00:28:30On account. Well, that's reasonable. How much? Ten percent?
00:28:33Fifty.
00:28:34Eh? Make it twenty-five.
00:28:35Okay.
00:28:36All right, then. What's the damage up to date? How much?
00:28:38Well, let's see now. It's the Oversea Company.
00:28:42A hundred and fifty of them above the knob. What's that company?
00:28:45A hundred and fifty, Bob.
00:28:46Fathead. How much is that, miss?
00:28:48Seven pounds, ten.
00:28:50Thomas.
00:28:51Then there's, uh, four platoon commanders at a quid apiece.
00:28:54They're officers, you see.
00:28:55Uh, company sergeant major, ten bob.
00:28:58Four sergeants, half a crown each.
00:29:00Corporals, lance corporals.
00:29:02Uh, ten bob the lot.
00:29:04What's that company doing notes and things, buddy?
00:29:08Search me. I don't get this English money.
00:29:10What do you make of it, Miss Marigold?
00:29:12Thirteen pounds.
00:29:13Thirteen pounds.
00:29:15That's an unlucky number. Make it twelve.
00:29:17Cash?
00:29:18Cash.
00:29:19Do you agree to twelve, Mr. Slate?
00:29:21He agrees.
00:29:22Count it.
00:29:31One.
00:29:32Two.
00:29:35Three.
00:29:37Four.
00:29:40Five.
00:29:41Six.
00:29:43Seven.
00:29:44Hey, Edwin, I've been chasing you around the loft for the last fifteen minutes.
00:29:47Just been getting into my working clothes.
00:29:49And you know what? I've done a smart deal.
00:29:51And I tell you that in this country, graft is dirt cheap.
00:29:54One smart American could buy the whole British Army for a thousand bucks.
00:29:57Yeah?
00:29:58Yeah.
00:30:02Now the men from Mars come in to shot.
00:30:03Aye.
00:30:04Just lining up the last sequence, Mr. Wagamaya.
00:30:06Great.
00:30:07Ain't Link going to marry the Duke's daughter?
00:30:08There ain't gonna be any Duke's daughter.
00:30:10What?
00:30:11Oh, there ain't gonna be any Duke either.
00:30:12They both died over the weekend.
00:30:13But I'm the leading man. I must marry someone.
00:30:15Oh, you marry a general's daughter.
00:30:16Me?
00:30:17Well, who do you think? Me?
00:30:18Lovely. I'll go and see wardrobe.
00:30:21Am I still a musician?
00:30:22Hell, no.
00:30:23Then what am I?
00:30:24You tell him.
00:30:26Yeah, me too.
00:30:27What am I? The queen of the Martians or Link's mother or what?
00:30:30Well, you're the colonel's wife.
00:30:31What colonel?
00:30:32Colonel Baramy, if the test's okay.
00:30:34Oh, that has possibility.
00:30:36All right. Let's hear the big scene.
00:30:39Now you read it, sunshine.
00:30:41Scene 247.
00:30:43Fade in on corner of barrack wall.
00:30:45That's the gymnasium.
00:30:46All is quite still and there is an ominous silence when suddenly from outer space...
00:30:55Everywhere I go, that Toscanini guy follows me.
00:30:58I bet tell him when I get home he's under my bed.
00:31:00And that tool is driving me nuts.
00:31:02Ain't he got another one?
00:31:03Put it down!
00:31:04Okay, okay. I'll fix it.
00:31:06Yeah, I'll fix it.
00:31:07You know something? I should be getting danger money for this.
00:31:10See the cashier.
00:31:16Scene 248.
00:31:34Morning, sir.
00:31:35Sinclair.
00:31:36We've been enjoying that little jam session of yours.
00:31:39Jam session?
00:31:40Oh, the band, yes.
00:31:41Well, of course, we've got the big contest at the end of the month, you know.
00:31:44That tune you're playing kind of lingers, doesn't it?
00:31:47You like it?
00:31:48Oh, I'm so glad.
00:31:49I get so much discouragement around here, you know.
00:31:52Perhaps you could use it in the film.
00:31:53Well, I'm afraid the accent is sort of on waltzes.
00:31:57Waltzes?
00:31:58We haven't rehearsed waltzes.
00:32:00Well, why don't you and your boys go away and practice some quietly?
00:32:07Yes, waltzes.
00:32:15Let's go.
00:32:29Band, hold up for marching.
00:32:32Band, hold up!
00:32:45March!
00:32:53So where do you think they're going now?
00:32:55Maybe to find out what a waltz is.
00:32:57Wild schmaltz. Come on, let's get on with scene 247.
00:32:59All is quiet when suddenly from outer space comes the first assault troops from Mars.
00:33:04Flash to Colonel and his wife.
00:33:06My darling, we may have to fight.
00:33:08We are being attacked by hundreds of thousands of these Martians.
00:33:10Hey, wait a minute. Do we need that many?
00:33:12No, all we want is a couple of dozen.
00:33:13They try to bust through the barracks gates.
00:33:15We never see the rest. They just hollow.
00:33:17Go on, dear.
00:33:18Flash to the sky where we see the second wave of strange objects.
00:33:22Strange objects?
00:33:23Flying saucers!
00:33:24Flying saucers!
00:33:25Oh, that's great, but what's worrying me is how do we get saved?
00:33:28I'm holding out the audience there. I got a little twist coming.
00:33:31Yeah, under your hat.
00:33:32All right, all right. Somebody get the cameraman in here.
00:33:34Go on, Lightning, fetch him.
00:33:35Yes, Mr. Whac-A-Mole.
00:33:44You're driving me nuts!
00:33:46Why don't you go and make that noise someplace else?
00:33:49All right, lads. I'm up for marching.
00:33:57Oh, hello, Vincent.
00:33:58Have you seen the edge of it?
00:34:00No, sir.
00:34:01Is there anything I can do, sir?
00:34:02It's about this damn rat.
00:34:04What I want to know is, has the edge of them given authorization to indent feet wrapped up?
00:34:08I'll see if there's anything on the file, sir.
00:34:10Is it a file?
00:34:11I'd rather think we have got together a paper or two about your rat, sir.
00:34:14It's not my rat. The editor's rat.
00:34:16Rat file, volume one.
00:34:19Doesn't seem to be anything here, sir.
00:34:21That's a proper box-up, that is.
00:34:23Isn't there any bait?
00:34:24Well, it was like this.
00:34:26I sent the storeman bait wrapped up for the use of, portions for, and traps wrapped to follow for,
00:34:32with instructions for them to be put into position on receipt.
00:34:35Well, sir?
00:34:36But the fool put the bait wrapped up for the use of, portions for, into position on receipt,
00:34:42so that by the time he received the traps wrapped to follow for,
00:34:44the rats had eaten all the baits wrapped up for the use of, portions for.
00:34:49You see, you can't get anyone to pay proper attention to serious military duties nowadays.
00:35:02Right, lads. Let's just have that phrase again.
00:35:04Fettler, you make your rubato a little more andante on the vivace.
00:35:10My interpretation, I'm sure yours is, is more purple than green,
00:35:15and a sort of a motive of round rather than oval.
00:35:19Don't you agree?
00:35:22Good lad.
00:35:25Right, lads.
00:35:35Splendid. I feel that that time we caught some of the spirit and tone of the Ferry Aviation.
00:35:41High praise.
00:35:42Right, lads. Happy break now. Back in ten minutes.
00:35:45Benji Smith.
00:35:48Mr. Johnson, Waterhouse.
00:35:50A moment, please.
00:35:59I'd like you to remain because I...
00:36:02I'd like you to remain because I...
00:36:04I don't think you fully grasp the meaning of that last phrase.
00:36:07It's...
00:36:17Let's try it now.
00:36:24There. Didn't you feel it?
00:36:26Oh, yes, sir.
00:36:28I know it inside, the feeling.
00:36:30The sunlight glistening on polished brass.
00:36:32The drawing of a sword at the famous battles of Balaclava,
00:36:35Mafeking, Waterloo, Crecy, Agincourt, and to hell with Burgundy.
00:36:40All kaleidoscopic.
00:36:42Emerged in the end in that one final, triumphant schlumpf.
00:36:47Are you listening, Waterhouse?
00:36:49Yes, sir.
00:36:54Try to get carried away.
00:36:55Close your eyes and let's try it again.
00:37:03Well?
00:37:04Yes, sir, we definitely merged then.
00:37:06But don't you feel you're on the fringe of something?
00:37:08Use your imagination, lad.
00:37:10The battles of the past, the traditions.
00:37:16You'll have to stay, Johnson.
00:37:18Now, you're an intelligent-looking lad.
00:37:20You know what I'm trying to say.
00:37:21Yes, sir.
00:37:22You want us to get it more ampy.
00:37:26Are we one? I shall never know.
00:37:30How's the colonel getting on with his chest?
00:37:32He was a bit flustered at first.
00:37:34I think Mr. Finemason was rather much for him.
00:37:36But Wanda sees them now.
00:37:38He'll be back presently.
00:37:39Oh, will he?
00:37:40Oh, I see.
00:37:41I...
00:37:42I rather have wanted to have you to myself for a bit.
00:37:45What for?
00:37:46Yes, what is it?
00:37:47This has just been handed in, sir.
00:37:49Oh, right, thank you.
00:37:50By a lady, sir.
00:37:51Yes, yes, thank you.
00:37:52Right.
00:37:53Joanna, I...
00:37:54I suppose you couldn't like me.
00:37:56I do like you.
00:37:57Yes, I was afraid of that.
00:37:58Oh, you do?
00:37:59Oh.
00:38:00How much?
00:38:01Oh, what is it?
00:38:02The lady will be obliged by an answer to her notes.
00:38:05What lady?
00:38:06The one what handed it in.
00:38:07She's waiting outside, sir.
00:38:08Perhaps I'd better say later, sir.
00:38:10Who is she?
00:38:12The one with the red hair and the green eyes.
00:38:14Who?
00:38:15The one what happened to...
00:38:16The one what happened to us about three weeks ago, sir.
00:38:18We gave that party for it to Saracen's head.
00:38:20What party?
00:38:21Birthday party, sir.
00:38:22The 21st, she said.
00:38:24I found most of the cake in your hat the next morning.
00:38:27Don't you remember, sir?
00:38:28No, I do not remember.
00:38:29Not even the first half of the evening, sir?
00:38:31Goffin, you're a raving man.
00:38:32I remember nothing of the sort.
00:38:33Very good, sir.
00:38:34Then I don't remember nothing, neither.
00:38:35Who gave you this note?
00:38:36It was handed to me by Private Slea, sir.
00:38:38Slea?
00:38:39Send Slea here.
00:38:40Yes, sir.
00:38:41Slea.
00:38:42Don't forget, sir.
00:38:43Slea, yes.
00:38:44I say, I'm...
00:38:45I'm terribly sorry.
00:38:46Somebody's pulling my leg.
00:38:47One of our bright young subalterns, I fancy.
00:38:48Here, you...
00:38:49You'd better see the note for yourself.
00:38:51Private?
00:38:52How can a perfectly blank sheet of paper be private?
00:38:54Blank?
00:38:55Yes.
00:38:56Then there's no lady with red hair.
00:38:58Well, there is a lady, but she hasn't got red hair.
00:39:00What's her name?
00:39:01Joanne.
00:39:02And I love her.
00:39:03And I've loved her ever since I saw her at Gibraltar three months ago,
00:39:05and I've been trying to tell her so every night for the last week.
00:39:07But why should you find it so difficult to say a thing like that to anybody?
00:39:10Well...
00:39:11You've had lots of practice, if Goffin's memory is to be relied on.
00:39:13Oh, no, no.
00:39:14I'm not a bit like that.
00:39:15You've got entirely the wrong idea about me.
00:39:17I'm terribly respectable, really.
00:39:18Ask anybody.
00:39:20Almost.
00:39:21I'd make the most wonderful husband.
00:39:23Joanne.
00:39:24You sent for me, sir?
00:39:26What's all this nonsense about a woman with red eyes?
00:39:28And better hair?
00:39:29All right, sir, she's just going, sir.
00:39:31But she'd like her stockings back.
00:39:33What?
00:39:34There was a green one, sir.
00:39:35You bought them off her when you slipped your arms into them
00:39:37to do the snake dance after dinner.
00:39:39Where is she?
00:39:40She was outside, sir.
00:39:41Bring her in here.
00:39:42Yes.
00:39:43Now, sir.
00:39:44She may be gone by now, sir.
00:39:45Bring her in here.
00:39:46Henry.
00:39:50Can we have somebody's picture, I fancy?
00:39:52Coming, Joanne?
00:39:53No, it's almost time for me to dress.
00:39:55I'll wait here till then.
00:39:56Right, I'll go and settle this nonsense.
00:39:58Bye.
00:40:03I knew it.
00:40:04Wild oats, Miss Cecil.
00:40:06Are they?
00:40:07Yeah.
00:40:08Many's a night I put him to bed.
00:40:09He don't give much trouble once you've got his spurs off.
00:40:12Of course, we can hardly expect Miss Veronica to take kindly to a job like that.
00:40:15Who?
00:40:16Miss Bellamy, Mr. CO's daughter.
00:40:18We're engaged, you know.
00:40:19Hadn't been for a long time.
00:40:22Oh.
00:40:23I see.
00:40:24Yeah.
00:40:25Of course, sir.
00:40:26We haven't announced it officially yet.
00:40:27I mean, but one thing, we ain't quite settled down.
00:40:29What with the red hair and the green eyes and all that lot.
00:40:32I mean, I ask you.
00:40:34I really don't think we need to discuss Captain Harper anymore, Goffin.
00:40:37No, miss.
00:40:39I don't think we need...
00:40:41Goffin!
00:40:43Come here.
00:40:44Yes, sir.
00:40:45Stand there and sleep.
00:40:46Yes, sir.
00:40:47Now, what the devil's all this about?
00:40:48No, don't consult him.
00:40:49You know what I'm talking about.
00:40:50This ridiculous story of a woman with red hair and green eyes.
00:40:53Is there such a person, Goffin?
00:40:55No, sir.
00:40:56Then why did you say there was?
00:40:58Private Sleem made a slight suggestion of me, sir.
00:41:03He's been eavesdropping, I'm sorry to say, sir,
00:41:05and got hold of some story about you being engaged to two girls at the same time.
00:41:09Of course, it gave me an horrible shock, sir.
00:41:11Oh, and as I do about devotion to Miss Veronica, sir,
00:41:14I saw at once there was only one way, in a manner of speaking,
00:41:17to recapture that position, as you might say, sir.
00:41:19Oh, and what was that?
00:41:20To discourage the other lady, sir.
00:41:22Warn her off, like.
00:41:24I see now that I was wrong.
00:41:26But I weakly allowed myself to be persuaded by this romantic old man here, sir.
00:41:31And in conclusion, may I say, sir,
00:41:33that we was only trying to do our very best for you, sir.
00:41:35Now, listen, you two.
00:41:37You've been damned interfering.
00:41:39If it wasn't for the fact that you're my Batman,
00:41:41and you've been years in the mess,
00:41:42I'd have you run up before your company commanders
00:41:44and shot out of your soft jobs and put back to duty.
00:41:46Do you hear me?
00:41:47Sir.
00:41:48Yes, sir.
00:41:49Luckily, Miss Delamere happens to be a particularly understanding young lady.
00:41:52She saw through your ridiculous story.
00:41:54That being the case, I'll overlook it this time.
00:41:56Watch your step in future.
00:41:57Now, carry on.
00:41:59Thank you, sir.
00:42:02Blimey.
00:42:03Still, I think we got out of it all right.
00:42:05But fancy it being Miss Joanne all the time and not Miss Veronica.
00:42:09Blimey.
00:42:10I just told Joanne that the age was engaged to Veronica and always has been.
00:42:13Has put a blinking lid on it.
00:42:15You did?
00:42:16I did.
00:42:17What are we going to do now?
00:42:18Joanne will turn him down for good, and you and me will both copy.
00:42:22What are we going to do?
00:42:24Think of something.
00:42:28Let's get drunk.
00:42:29Yeah.
00:42:30All right.
00:42:31Have them on.
00:42:34Focus one.
00:42:38One, two.
00:42:41Come on, John.
00:42:42I gave him three Chinese.
00:42:46Number two, Flood.
00:42:54Here I am, Mr. Waggemeyer.
00:42:55Everything all right?
00:42:56Everything's fine, Mr. Waggemeyer.
00:42:57Trim that arc.
00:42:58Trim that arc.
00:43:00Save it, baby, save it.
00:43:01I said trim that arc.
00:43:02What's the matter with you guys?
00:43:04Where's Joanne?
00:43:05Where's Link?
00:43:06Hiya.
00:43:07Stick around.
00:43:08Go get lubricated.
00:43:11Pull up two.
00:43:12Pull up two.
00:43:14Get that jig out of the way.
00:43:15That's nice.
00:43:16I'll go check the doors.
00:43:18Somebody's got to do it.
00:43:19Everything's set, Ed.
00:43:20Yeah, great.
00:43:21Sam, come here.
00:43:22Now, you know the setup.
00:43:23Mass attack by Mars on this garrison.
00:43:24All hope gone, then you and the boys step in and save the Colonel and everybody, all right?
00:43:28Okay.
00:43:29Your name's Mr. Waggemeyer.
00:43:30Ed, take it easy on this one Marine rescuing a British regiment.
00:43:33Who should only take up on one Marine?
00:43:35There's 12 of them.
00:43:36Okay, don't say I didn't warn you.
00:43:37Yeah, yeah.
00:43:38Sol!
00:43:39Light him up!
00:43:40Okay, light him up.
00:43:42Will you get the hell out of here?
00:43:44Shut up, Ed.
00:43:45It's the Colonel.
00:43:47Colonel, I'm terrible sorry.
00:43:48I didn't know it was you.
00:43:49All right, Sol, kill him.
00:43:52Miss Sinclair, don't you think it would be a good idea if we put the Colonel in the sequence we're doing now?
00:43:58Oh, that'd be wonderful.
00:44:01Would you like to try out this little scene with us, Colonel?
00:44:05Sounds rather fun.
00:44:08What do you think, Bill?
00:44:10Well, why not, sir?
00:44:11Provisionally, of course.
00:44:13Provisionally?
00:44:14Quite, quite.
00:44:15What does one have to do exactly?
00:44:16Let me tell you, Colonel, it's very simple.
00:44:17Sink 250.
00:44:18Here's the barracks wall.
00:44:19Why not go outside and film it?
00:44:21Yeah, one drop of rain, bingo, it's gone.
00:44:23Why not take a shot of our actual barrack wall?
00:44:26You mean you've got real barracks walls outside?
00:44:28Why doesn't somebody tell me these things?
00:44:30Oh, better shoot it in here, Ed.
00:44:31Yeah, all right.
00:44:32So here you are, surrounded by thousands of Martians.
00:44:34Well, surely Martians wouldn't attack one lone barracks.
00:44:36If they did, I wouldn't give much for our chances.
00:44:38Well, so would the people in Kansas City, and that's what makes a picture.
00:44:41So here you are, surrounded by thousands of Martians,
00:44:43all toasty for blood, or whatever they drink.
00:44:45And you, you don't know what to do next.
00:44:47Well, my dear Jeff, why not send a wireless message to the base for help?
00:44:50What a murderous story.
00:44:51Say, Ed.
00:44:52Look, it's your last stand.
00:44:53Hey, Ed.
00:44:54Yeah, all right, baby, wait a minute.
00:44:55Hey, energy.
00:44:56Great idea.
00:44:57Colonel stands with revolver in left hand, right arm cursed around wife.
00:45:00No, no, I couldn't do that.
00:45:02That depends, sir.
00:45:03I'm the wife, Colonel.
00:45:04That's what I meant, sir.
00:45:05Oh, well, let's see how it goes, shall we?
00:45:07Daughter stands holding Colonel's right arm with left hand.
00:45:11Her right arm is round Captain.
00:45:13Wait a minute.
00:45:14Where's Link?
00:45:15Where's Joanne?
00:45:16Can I find her?
00:45:17Yeah.
00:45:18Here I am, Mr. Waggoner.
00:45:19So where's Link?
00:45:20Still in the dressing room.
00:45:21That guy takes longer to fix his face than the whole female cast.
00:45:22Just a two-shot, Miss Sinclair.
00:45:23You and the Colonel.
00:45:24Oh, no.
00:45:25Let Captain Harper stand in for Link, huh?
00:45:27Anything to oblige.
00:45:29How pretty you look.
00:45:32Do I put my arm round you, or do you do it?
00:45:35Don't you think Miss Bellamy might object?
00:45:37Of course I can.
00:45:38What's she got to do with it?
00:45:40Well, you are engaged to her, aren't you?
00:45:42From HQ 7-Div to Royal Royal Regiment,
00:45:45General Officer Commanding will visit your battalion this morning, ETA 1130 hours, Officer's Mess.
00:45:50Purely informal visit.
00:45:52No special arrangements need be made.
00:45:54It's past half past eleven now.
00:45:55He'll be here in a minute.
00:45:56Well, this was sent at 0918 hours, sir.
00:45:59Gardner?
00:46:01Is that the guard commander?
00:46:03R.S. Immier.
00:46:04Now, does she keep her eyes skinned, my lad?
00:46:06She knows she's expected any minute.
00:46:08All right, all right, but let me know as soon as he's sighted.
00:46:13What's the trouble, Perkins?
00:46:15Yes, I've had tyres burst, sir.
00:46:18Looks like he'll be nearly there.
00:46:20Look here, Michael, I'll walk on.
00:46:22You stay with Perkins, bring the car home when it's ready.
00:46:24Yes, sir.
00:46:29I hope they see him coming.
00:46:31Maybe he doesn't want them to, sir.
00:46:37Hey, are you the general?
00:46:39I am.
00:46:40Well, what the hell are you walking about in the public highway in those rags for?
00:46:43They'll get the whole outfit in a stink.
00:46:44And extras aren't allowed off the lot in military uniform.
00:46:46You should know that.
00:46:47Come on, jump in.
00:46:50Who are you, sir, and where are you going?
00:46:51I'm going to Bilchester Barracks.
00:46:52That up?
00:46:53Can it, Mac, I'm in a hurry.
00:46:58Come on, step on it, son.
00:46:59I'm way behind this morning.
00:47:00Morning, Mr. General Chief.
00:47:02Who's that with you there?
00:47:03Him.
00:47:04Oh, just an extra.
00:47:05All right, on you go.
00:47:08Hey, I'm all right, sir.
00:47:09Now, just a moment.
00:47:10I must know what I've heard you through.
00:47:11How does the story end?
00:47:12Miss Sinclair, could you tell the colonel how the story ends?
00:47:14Oh, well, we won't get that far today.
00:47:16What?
00:47:17That.
00:47:18Yes, Mr. Waggemar.
00:47:19All right, Ed.
00:47:20Here we go.
00:47:21Now look, if we just run through a couple of times, then we'll shoot.
00:47:24Give us a lineer, Tommy.
00:47:25All right, let's have some quiet.
00:47:26My darling, here comes the first wave of saucers.
00:47:30Say it, colonel.
00:47:32My darling, here comes the first wave of saucers.
00:47:35Kiss me once, it may be for the last time.
00:47:37Kiss me once, maybe it's the last time.
00:47:39Colonel.
00:47:40Peper up.
00:47:41You're not selling hamburgers.
00:47:42Come on, you've got to make a passerby feel.
00:47:43You don't seem to be selling hamburgers.
00:47:45Who's going to pay for this?
00:47:47Colonel, pep it up! You're not selling hamburgers!
00:47:50Come on, you gotta make a pass in it!
00:47:53Mr. Wagamire, I happen to know how a British officer says goodbye to his wife, and you don't.
00:47:59I don't. Look, Colonel, in the last ten years, I had three wives, and I knew how to say goodbye to each one of them.
00:48:03In any case, I haven't the slightest intention of behaving like a damned actor.
00:48:06Colonel, believe me, nobody could ever mistake you for an actor!
00:48:09I should hope not, sir.
00:48:10Look, all you gotta do is be yourself, just yourself! Now, don't get excited, and don't get sore!
00:48:14And for the hundredth time, sir, don't do that!
00:48:16All we want to do is take a couple of simple shots of you, and that's all.
00:48:20Yes, of course, but what am I going to protect you around for, eh?
00:48:22And you'll have yourself cut off!
00:48:24I was just saying that, but come on, I didn't know I had to take a spring of bullets.
00:48:27Now, get on with it!
00:48:28Now, you can get out before you're dead!
00:48:30Not that way!
00:48:31Not that way!
00:48:32Will you?
00:48:33Look, Colonel, if you'd only listen to what...
00:48:34Sir, sir, you're wanted to watch.
00:48:35What's the matter?
00:48:36The G.O.C.'s here, sir.
00:48:37Here?
00:48:38His car's just past the guard room. He came in some time ago unnoticed. He's somewhere in the barracks.
00:48:40Unnoticed? Somewhere in the barracks?
00:48:42Yes, sir.
00:48:43We'll take him off from here. Follow me. Turn out the guard.
00:48:45Yes, sir.
00:48:47That does it. Another two minutes, we'd have had that scene in a can.
00:48:50Five minutes ago, if you hadn't snarled at the Colonel, that tore everything.
00:48:54Edward, you'd break the heart of a taxi driver. I'm through.
00:48:57You're through, I'm through, we're all through. This British Colonel's got us licked.
00:49:00Even if we do fix him again, we've got a general hanging over us now.
00:49:03It's enough!
00:49:04Who's this?
00:49:05Wake up, Ed. Miss Bellamy.
00:49:07You gave her a test, remember?
00:49:09I thought maybe you could use me as a Martian girl, Queen of South Mars or something.
00:49:14Oh, yeah, the test, I remember. Miss Bellamy, you want me to tell you?
00:49:17I would like to know the truth, Mr. Wagamaker.
00:49:19Well, Miss Bellamy, you're a beautiful doll, you're a great kid, but acting? Forget it.
00:49:23I see. And yet you think my father can act?
00:49:27Who said that? He's just being himself.
00:49:31Thanks for being frank, anyway.
00:49:34I'm sorry I've been such a nuisance.
00:49:36All right.
00:49:39I thought you were a bit tough on the kid, Ed.
00:49:41You've got to be cruel or be kind. She'll get over it.
00:49:44Yeah, well, I think I'll go along and soften her up.
00:49:46You stick around, I need you. Let Joanne go. Go on.
00:49:48All right, now, come on, places, everybody. Say what? Come on!
00:49:51Oh, Ed!
00:49:52Come on!
00:49:53Ed!
00:49:54Yes!
00:50:09Well, well, well.
00:50:11John, will you do something for me?
00:50:13You know I'll do anything for you.
00:50:15Oh, John.
00:50:16Well, what do you want me to do, bump somebody off?
00:50:18No, no, help me out of these things.
00:50:20What, here?
00:50:21Don't be silly.
00:50:22Now, find me a car so that I can get home without half the battalion trying to make dates with me.
00:50:26But they wouldn't do that, would they?
00:50:28Why not? Do I look as grim as all that?
00:50:30No, no.
00:50:32No, you look perfectly wonderful.
00:50:34What I meant was...
00:50:35Well, look, my car's just round the corner.
00:50:37John, you're perfectly sweet to me. I knew I could rely on you.
00:50:40You did?
00:50:41You've been a very long time finding that out, you know.
00:50:51Oh, hey, Cliff, do me a favor, will you? Do me up.
00:50:53Who are you, young lady?
00:50:55Don't get fresh. Just do me up, huh?
00:50:57Not quite sure that I...
00:50:59When I hold my breath, do me up, okay?
00:51:01All right, fine. Thanks a lot. See you around the set.
00:51:06Michael?
00:51:07What?
00:51:08Exactly.
00:51:15All right, there, sir. All right, light him up there.
00:51:18Light him up, Harry.
00:51:19All right, let's go.
00:51:21Here.
00:51:24All right.
00:51:25All right, let's go.
00:51:26All right, let's go.
00:51:27All right, let's go.
00:51:28All right, let's go.
00:51:29Come on, let's have a run through! Come on, everybody!
00:51:32Okay, okay. Look, they're rehearsing. All right?
00:51:35Okay.
00:51:36Stand by with that playback.
00:51:37Oh, say, Ed?
00:51:38Yeah?
00:51:39What about these two guys for extras?
00:51:41Oh, they're the enemy. They don't belong in here at all.
00:51:43Go on, beat it!
00:51:45No, wait!
00:51:47I got it!
00:51:48Look, you boys are Martians.
00:51:50Right.
00:51:51Men from Mars.
00:51:52Oh, that's swell!
00:51:53You're coming right down here in the middle of the garrison and you're flying saucer.
00:51:56And you jump out!
00:51:57And you jump out!
00:51:58You rush to the gates, open them up,
00:52:00and let all the other thousands of horrible Martian monsters rush in!
00:52:03Oh.
00:52:04All right?
00:52:05Thanks, Ed.
00:52:06This is gonna be sensational. Come on, let's rehearse it!
00:52:08Come on, now, playback!
00:52:11Action!
00:52:12Come on, Wonderling!
00:52:13Let's have it!
00:52:14Hark! What is that new sound I hear?
00:52:16Sound of atomic ray guns!
00:52:19All right, boys, now!
00:52:20Now!
00:52:27The gates! The gates!
00:52:33Hark! Hark!
00:52:36Get the Philharmonic out of here, somebody!
00:52:39Gentlemen, you may go and change.
00:52:41Get back to your uniform.
00:52:42Look, mister, whatever your name is.
00:52:44Carthrode.
00:52:45Lieutenant Carthrode, director of music.
00:52:47Ah, well, perhaps you're trying to help, but that music's no good!
00:52:50No good?
00:52:51No!
00:52:52As a matter of interest, you may like to know
00:52:54that that band played at the coronation and the queen didn't complain.
00:52:57Oh, she must have thought it was the tank corps.
00:52:59All right, back to your places, everybody!
00:53:05Has the G.L.C. been in here?
00:53:06No, sir.
00:53:07Where's the artist in?
00:53:08Well, he was here a moment ago, sir, then he went out to look for you.
00:53:10Dammit, everybody's looking for everybody else.
00:53:11All right, go away.
00:53:12Yes, sir.
00:53:14Orange!
00:53:16I wonder what the devil old Foxy's up to.
00:53:18You don't suppose he's got wind of...
00:53:19Oh, perhaps he wanted to see the film shot, sir.
00:53:21In my experience of Foxy, the one thing you can be certain about him
00:53:24is that you can never be certain about him.
00:53:25Well, what is it, later?
00:53:26The adjutant asked me to report to him, sir,
00:53:28if the trap rat had caught anything up to date.
00:53:30Has it?
00:53:31Yes.
00:53:34Total catch to date from trap rat set in store.
00:53:36Stallman's fingers twice, all the officers put once, cat twice.
00:53:39That's right, once each hand.
00:53:41All right, later, I'll see to it.
00:53:42Go away, ledger.
00:53:44How much exactly are we going to tell old Foxy?
00:53:46About the unexampled growth of the film industry.
00:53:48Filchers to barracks.
00:53:49Yes.
00:53:50I suppose the permit hasn't come through by any chance.
00:53:51It hadn't by this morning, sir.
00:53:52See if the RSM's back from looking for me.
00:53:54Very good, sir.
00:53:55Mr. Benson!
00:53:56You remember, sir, we have some regimental theatrical planned for the week after next.
00:54:00Well, sir...
00:54:02Shut up!
00:54:03What kept you?
00:54:04Tell the orderly sergeant to have Hoplitz and Bugler standing by outside.
00:54:07The general will be here any minute now,
00:54:08and I feel he might like to see the battalion carry out practice fire alarm.
00:54:11If he does, I'll ring your bell twice,
00:54:12and you'll see the Buglers blow the alarm at once.
00:54:14At once.
00:54:15I quite understand, sir.
00:54:19The alarm may just save us.
00:54:20I'm glad you say.
00:54:22Let's get these hip-and-tied.
00:54:23Come on, get them to the girls.
00:54:24Now, look, girls, you come from Mars, you don't come from Brixton.
00:54:26You got that?
00:54:27Now, you get this position now, okay?
00:54:28Got it? Fine.
00:54:29Come on, girls, come on, stab it up.
00:54:30We haven't got all day now.
00:54:31Come on, we've got to get some work done today now.
00:54:32Come on, hurry up.
00:54:33Now, take it easy with that thing.
00:54:34Now, it's very heavy.
00:54:35I don't want any dead girls on my hands.
00:54:37Just down gently, gently.
00:54:39Okay, this is it, honey.
00:54:41Now, as soon as the director says action,
00:54:43you pull the lever, and you're off.
00:54:45What, down there?
00:54:46Yeah.
00:54:47Okay, now, now, now.
00:54:48Now, remember, this is the mass attack.
00:54:50Playback.
00:54:51This is going to be great.
00:55:00We'll take it back from Hark.
00:55:01What is that new sound I hear?
00:55:03All right, playback.
00:55:04One more leap.
00:55:05Action.
00:55:07Hark, what is that new sound I hear?
00:55:09Sound of atomic ray, darling.
00:55:11Come on, suck her up.
00:55:13There is a loud knocking on the gates of Barrett.
00:55:15That's great, that's great.
00:55:16Now, arrest him.
00:55:17All right, Sam.
00:55:18Come on, Sam.
00:55:20Oh, no.
00:55:32Put it down.
00:55:36I hope you don't mind my running over casually like this.
00:55:39I'm not a believer in these spit-and-polish inspections.
00:55:41No, sir.
00:55:42One never sees half as much of what a battalion is like
00:55:44as on an informal visit.
00:55:46Quite so.
00:55:47You know, it's funny what a panic the sight of a general's uniform
00:55:50can create in a barracks.
00:55:51Even the mildest of generals.
00:55:53You wouldn't believe the ridiculous things some people do.
00:55:55No, sir.
00:55:56You know, I once knew a CO
00:55:58who, whenever an inspecting general came over to see him,
00:56:00used to arrange for a practice fire alarm.
00:56:02Fire alarm?
00:56:04To help him out if things went wrong.
00:56:06Not very original, was it?
00:56:07No, sir.
00:56:10Excuse me, sir.
00:56:21Mr. Benson?
00:56:23Sir?
00:56:24There are some buglers fidgeting about on the barracks square.
00:56:26Tell the sergeant bugler he can't have practice now.
00:56:28I want perfect quiet for the next hour, understand?
00:56:30Sir?
00:56:33Sergeant, get those buglers off the square!
00:56:35What, sir?
00:56:36Get those buglers off the square!
00:56:38Right, sir!
00:56:40Hey, you bugler!
00:56:41Stop! Get off the square!
00:56:43Hey, you bugler!
00:56:45Stop! Stop!
00:56:46Go back! Get off the square!
00:56:49There isn't a sign.
00:56:50This is my adjutant, sir, Captain Hopper.
00:56:52Good morning, Hopper.
00:56:53Oh, good morning, sir.
00:56:54We didn't know you were coming, sir.
00:56:56I sent a message by special donars in the afternoon
00:56:58to say I'd be over about 11.30.
00:57:00Isn't it here?
00:57:01Oh, no, sir.
00:57:02That's right about a rat, sir.
00:57:03Yes, sir, about a rat.
00:57:06It's here, sir.
00:57:07The message.
00:57:08A compliment to me?
00:57:09It's marked as having been received at 11.35, sir.
00:57:11I'm sure I'm very sorry, sir.
00:57:13The message was delayed. It's not your fault.
00:57:15There's really no more about it.
00:57:17And now perhaps you can help to unravel another small mystery for me.
00:57:20Yes, sir.
00:57:21I strode into your gymnasium just now
00:57:23and found myself confronted by the most unusual collection of gymnasts.
00:57:27Quite unique, in fact.
00:57:28I wonder if you can tell me anything about them.
00:57:31Who are these people, Hopper?
00:57:32In two weeks' time, sir, we're having some regimental theatricals, sir.
00:57:35I see, sir. This was a rehearsal.
00:57:36Yes, sir.
00:57:37Yes, sir.
00:57:38A dress rehearsal, the face of it.
00:57:40Isn't it a little early for that?
00:57:42Was it a dress rehearsal, Hopper?
00:57:44If they were in dress, sir, it would be a dress rehearsal.
00:57:46If they weren't, it wouldn't.
00:57:50Thank you, Hopper, for clearing matters up.
00:57:52There was a talkative gentleman in a blue beret armed with a megaphone.
00:57:56A somewhat superfluous weapon in his case, I thought.
00:57:58Now, who would that be?
00:58:00That would probably be Mr. Wagamire, sir.
00:58:02Mr. Wagamire?
00:58:03Yes, sir. We thought it advisable to get an outsider.
00:58:06So I noticed.
00:58:07I hope he wasn't offensive, sir.
00:58:08On the contrary, he was most affectionate.
00:58:10He put his arms round me, gave me a cigar and called me buddy.
00:58:13I invited him and his friends to come over here.
00:58:16You know, Bellamy, I'm quite intrigued by this theatrical troupe of yours.
00:58:19Especially your ladies.
00:58:21Where are the ladies, sir?
00:58:23Surely you remember, Miss Sinclair.
00:58:25Described by Mr. Wagamire, somewhat unjustly, I thought,
00:58:27was the menace.
00:58:29Did you see Miss Delamare, sir?
00:58:31I shall be most happy to meet them all.
00:58:33In fact, I am waiting impatiently for their arrival.
00:58:36Perhaps there won't be rooms, sir.
00:58:38Hopper, would you find out exactly how many there are?
00:58:40Yes, sir.
00:58:41Use the phone in my room.
00:58:43Sir.
00:58:52Bill!
00:58:54Joanne!
00:58:55Joanne!
00:59:07Left, halt!
00:59:09Mark on your front!
00:59:11Left, right, left, right, left, right!
00:59:14Pre-record!
00:59:16Halt!
00:59:18Left, turn!
00:59:20Right, march!
00:59:26I've been seen coughing!
00:59:28Ground, arms!
00:59:30Yes, you have!
00:59:32Wait for it!
00:59:34Ground, arms!
00:59:37Visual escort!
00:59:39Alert, hands!
00:59:42Stand easy!
00:59:47Well, that looks extraordinary, wasn't it?
00:59:50I've got two men outside, sir, in fancy dress.
00:59:53I've put them on a chart, sir.
00:59:55I don't want to be bothered with them just now.
00:59:57Fancy dress?
00:59:59Well, I think we should see them, Bellamy.
01:00:01They may be able to throw a little light on your theatricals.
01:00:03As you wish, sir.
01:00:17Visual escort!
01:00:19Visual escort!
01:00:21Turn!
01:00:23Sir, these two men, sir.
01:00:25Number 768-427-Private C.W.
01:00:28Must be, Bellamy.
01:00:30Why are you two men dressed up like this?
01:00:32It happened like this, sir.
01:00:34At 9.42 a.m., Private Sleeman himself, being on mess duty,
01:00:38was taken out by the mess sergeant to proceed to the gymnasium
01:00:41with a spot of light refreshment, sir.
01:00:43Light refreshment?
01:00:45Yes, sir. Cakes, sandwiches, and the two and four penichets.
01:00:48For whom?
01:00:50The colonel's ladies, sir.
01:00:52The colonel's ladies?
01:00:54You mean the amateur theatrical company?
01:00:57No, sir. The film company.
01:00:59Film company?
01:01:01Yes, sir. That lot that's in the gymnasium.
01:01:03They're making a film.
01:01:05They said as though we were to help them, sir.
01:01:07We were practically forced into these things, sir.
01:01:09You say you were pressed into the service of this film company?
01:01:12Was it a money transaction?
01:01:14Yes, sir. No, sir.
01:01:16Well, one of you must be right.
01:01:18If the one that is wrong will keep quiet, we might arrive at the truth.
01:01:20Did the film company pay you for your services as actors?
01:01:24No, sir. Certainly not.
01:01:26No, sir. I thought not.
01:01:28All right, Bellamy, I'll leave them to you.
01:01:31I've decided not to take any official notice of this matter,
01:01:34but remember this.
01:01:36You're just a couple of ordinary slow-moving Englishmen,
01:01:38thoroughly stupid and entirely lacking in any kind of business sense.
01:01:41Oh, thank you, sir.
01:01:43You've come up against a slick American, and he's completely got the better of you.
01:01:45I don't want to ask any questions,
01:01:47but I shouldn't be surprised if he's taken all your money away from you.
01:01:49In other words, you've had a thoroughly humiliating experience,
01:01:51which should be a lesson to you in the future.
01:01:53Yes, yes, sir.
01:01:55That's all. Case dismissed, Sergeant.
01:01:57Sir!
01:02:00Private Shagoffin!
01:02:02Take up!
01:02:04Halt! As you were!
01:02:06Get together, you honourable little Martians!
01:02:09There seems to be some conflict of opinion
01:02:11as to who these people in the gymnasium really are.
01:02:13You gave me to understand it was regimental theatrical.
01:02:15The theatrical rehearsals
01:02:17were due to start at the end of the week, sir.
01:02:19Actually, I find that today
01:02:21the gymnasium was allotted to the film company.
01:02:24What film company?
01:02:26I wrote you about that on Saturday, sir,
01:02:28asking whether they could have permission
01:02:30to take a few shots of troops on routine duties
01:02:32and suggesting that today might be suitable.
01:02:34I got the letter,
01:02:36but I have no recollection of giving the permission.
01:02:38Did I?
01:02:40No, sir.
01:02:42Then why are they filming?
01:02:43Actually, they're not taking any shots of troops, sir,
01:02:46just a story of their own.
01:02:48And what are they doing in the gymnasium at all?
01:02:50It's government property.
01:02:52Yes, sir, I suppose it is.
01:02:54Then what are they doing there?
01:02:57That, sir, is what I mean to find out.
01:03:00You shall find out, brother me.
01:03:02They'll be here directly.
01:03:04Good.
01:03:06May I suggest that we invite in the adjutant
01:03:08and his young friend as well?
01:03:10Young friend, sir?
01:03:11Yes, Miss Delamere.
01:03:13Is Miss Delamere here?
01:03:15Captain Harper's been a long time
01:03:17over that telephone call,
01:03:19and I don't imagine that this belongs to the sergeant major.
01:03:26Captain Harper.
01:03:31This is Miss Delamere, sir.
01:03:33Good morning, Miss Delamere.
01:03:35Hello.
01:03:37Swamelia, you have to thank a real general for that extract.
01:03:40Yeah.
01:03:42Well, how was I to know?
01:03:44What's this?
01:03:46It's life story.
01:03:48Life story.
01:03:50Did you get anything out of him like I told you?
01:03:52Ed, the guy ain't human.
01:03:54There isn't a thing you can hang your hat on.
01:03:56Can you beat this guy?
01:03:58Not a dope.
01:04:00Mr. Wigmore, Miss Sinclair, Miss Marygold,
01:04:02you come this way, if you please.
01:04:04Thanks.
01:04:06What's happening?
01:04:08Your general, the guy, ah, forget it.
01:04:10He's gonna tear the joint apart in there.
01:04:12I knew it.
01:04:14Oh, poor daddy, and it's partly my fault.
01:04:16Must be something to pin on him.
01:04:18Must be slipping.
01:04:20I've looked over his life history here.
01:04:22Oh, let me see.
01:04:24Lady, I tell you, there ain't a thing.
01:04:26John, look at this.
01:04:28I don't get it.
01:04:30Oh, come on, you will.
01:04:32No time to waste.
01:04:34Is he trying to make monkeys out of us?
01:04:36Maybe, snap indeed.
01:04:38I think I can explain this matter, sir.
01:04:40I'm delighted to hear it.
01:04:42Mr. Wigmore and Miss Sinclair came to me last week.
01:04:44They are making a picture with a military background.
01:04:47Colonel Bellamy, I'm a little uneasy about that word background.
01:04:50How far in the background were the troops to be?
01:04:52Way back, General.
01:04:54Well, maybe out of sight.
01:04:56Except when Colonel Bellamy steps up on a set himself.
01:04:58Steps on what?
01:05:00Well, that sort of making a personal appearance, General.
01:05:02Were you going to play a part in this film, Bellamy?
01:05:03I did consent to have a test made, sir,
01:05:05with a view to making a fleeting appearance
01:05:07in the background?
01:05:09Or was it foreground?
01:05:11May I ask one question?
01:05:13Go right ahead, General.
01:05:15It seems mere pedantry to ask,
01:05:17but what is the title of this story?
01:05:19Devil Dogs.
01:05:21Devil Dogs.
01:05:23Yeah, it's a sort of a pet name we give to our American Marines.
01:05:25I understood this was to be a film about the British Army.
01:05:27Well, give us a break.
01:05:29We've got to sell this picture on the stage too, ain't we?
01:05:31I don't, Ed. We're talking art.
01:05:33Give me the last bit of the script.
01:05:35General, we're going to play the last scene
01:05:37of the picture for you right now.
01:05:39Great propagandist of Anglo-American relations.
01:05:41Read it. Listen.
01:05:43Colonel to Captain.
01:05:45Terence and old man were cut off from all human aid.
01:05:48The British Navy's been defeated.
01:05:50Britain is on her knees.
01:05:52Flash, Colonel kissing wife,
01:05:54then quick out to exterior barracks.
01:05:56American Marines advancing over Salisbury Plain,
01:05:59dead by an officer.
01:06:01Sam!
01:06:04Stick around, I'm going to meet you.
01:06:06Yes, get away, come on.
01:06:08Cut to interior.
01:06:10Captain embraces Colonel's daughter,
01:06:12shakes hands with the Colonel.
01:06:14Colonel suddenly hark,
01:06:16what is that new sound I hear?
01:06:18Sound of atomic ray guns outside.
01:06:20One, two, three.
01:06:22More atomic ray guns.
01:06:24Five times.
01:06:26Great stuff.
01:06:28Then sound of atomic ray guns dying out.
01:06:30Then a loud banging on the barricades.
01:06:31Bang!
01:06:33Bang!
01:06:35Bang!
01:06:37What is that new sound I hear?
01:06:40Sound of anti-atomic ray guns outside.
01:06:43Bop, bop, bop.
01:06:45Bang!
01:06:47Bang!
01:06:49Sam!
01:06:51Sam!
01:06:53Hurry up.
01:06:55Colonel, we're here. Uncle Sam's devil dogs.
01:06:57Where did I hear them?
01:06:59Jolly good ship.
01:07:01Wilfred, do you want to save the battalion?
01:07:03Wilfred, who wrote that theme song of yours?
01:07:05What's it called? The Loyal's Parade.
01:07:07Susan Smith.
01:07:09What are we going to do?
01:07:11You're going to play as you've never played before, play in tune.
01:07:13Never mind your parts.
01:07:15I must get the parts back.
01:07:17You play better without them.
01:07:19Harbour, may I inquire why you invited
01:07:21Mr Wagamire over here in the first place?
01:07:23I wanted to help Miss Delamere, sir.
01:07:25She'd been promised a part in this new film.
01:07:27Why did you want to help her?
01:07:29Because Miss Delamere and I are engaged, sir.
01:07:32This is an even busier barracks than I thought.
01:07:35Most romantic.
01:07:37Shall I start now?
01:07:39No, never.
01:07:41Well, General, what do you say?
01:07:43Are we fixed? I mean, do we shoot?
01:07:45What do you say?
01:07:48What is Carter doing?
01:07:50Tell him to stop it at once.
01:07:52At once, sir.
01:07:54Wait, what is that they're playing?
01:07:56Oh, it's a thing called Loyal's Parade, sir,
01:07:58a competition piece by Susan Smith.
01:07:59That's right, the guy's got a fixation.
01:08:01I like it.
01:08:03You do, sir?
01:08:05I should. Off duty I happen to be Susan Smith.
01:08:20Well, congratulations, Colonel.
01:08:22Much better than a fire alarm.
01:08:24Thank you, sir.
01:08:26Mr Wagamire, may I make a suggestion?
01:08:27Go ahead.
01:08:29Get rid of this last stand in the barracks idea
01:08:31and try a fresh angle.
01:08:33Fresh angle. So go on, tell me a fresh angle.
01:08:35Have you ever been in a haunted house?
01:08:37A real genuine haunted house with rattling doors
01:08:39and whistling keyholes and a million cobwebs.
01:08:41I've stayed in some English hotels.
01:08:43Well, there is such a house not five miles from here
01:08:45with an authentic ghost.
01:08:47It belongs to a cousin of mine. I'll get it for you.
01:08:49Why not transfer your whole company over there?
01:08:51Your hero can be a cavalier of the time of Charles I.
01:08:53And not a costume epic.
01:08:55Well, this is bang up to date.
01:08:57I've never been on a ghost.
01:08:59It's never been on before, you know.
01:09:01What do you think of that?
01:09:03Don't tell it, General. Sell it. It's swell.
01:09:05This is going to be our greatest.
01:09:07We'll call it The Last Ditch.
01:09:09The Last Ditch.
01:09:11One hundred percent all British picture.
01:09:13Let's all find myself. Where's Abe Zingbaum?
01:09:15Where's that script writer?
01:09:17It was swell meeting you, General.
01:09:19I got news for you.
01:09:21The whole thing's changed.
01:09:23The location in the barracks is a haunted house
01:09:25with a ghost, cobwebs, whistling keyholes
01:09:27and a big lock by the ghost.
01:09:29No! No!
01:09:31No!
01:09:34Goodbye, Colonel.
01:09:36It was nice knowing you.
01:09:41Maybe you'll be needing this.
01:09:46Bye.
01:09:50Hey, kids. Where's Ed?
01:09:52Over there.
01:09:53I'm afraid it's been rather an irregular morning, sir.
01:09:55Oh, my dear fellow, I've enjoyed it immensely.
01:09:57Picture to yourself the ordinary routine
01:09:59of a GOC's visit.
01:10:01All you've given me is Mr. Feinmesser,
01:10:03Mr. Waggermeyer and Miss Sinclair.
01:10:05I know you've left nothing in reserve for next time.
01:10:07You're very kind, sir.
01:10:09There is one point I want to make absolutely clear.
01:10:11The gross irregularity of the whole business.
01:10:14As you very properly implied,
01:10:16the foundation of military efficiency
01:10:18is rigid discipline in all ranks.
01:10:19In all ranks, Bellamy.
01:10:21The first fact I wish to impress upon you
01:10:23is that orders are orders.
01:10:25I want this film company out of here immediately.
01:10:27I'll keep my promise
01:10:29and send them to my cousin's house.
01:10:31But first I'd like a word alone with you, Bellamy.
01:10:34Mind stepping into your office for a moment?
01:10:50Poor old Colonel.
01:10:52Yeah.
01:10:54That's the trouble with old Foxy.
01:10:56You can never tell where you are with him.
01:10:58I thought it was being too good to be true.
01:11:00Meanwhile...
01:11:02Meanwhile, what?
01:11:04I'd be rather wasting time.
01:11:06What do you mean?
01:11:08Never be scared of a new angle.
01:11:19It's a cat!
01:11:21Come on, a-whoop!
01:11:23Come on, let's go!
01:11:29Get them!
01:11:31Hurry!
01:11:32Drive them off!
01:11:35Get them!
01:11:37Drive them off!
01:11:39Drive them off!
01:11:42Get them!
01:11:44Drive them off!
01:11:47Drive them off!
01:11:49Wait up, baby, wait up. Come on, now!
01:11:57Sorry, sir.
01:11:58What, is it a fire?
01:11:59No, sir.
01:12:00It's the rats.
01:12:02Me and the storeman's done him in with the blue beef tin.
01:12:05And you know, he didn't want to get in at all.
01:12:08He wanted to get out.
01:12:09What is it, Ledon?
01:12:10It's the rats, sir.
01:12:11Why the blazes can't you obey my orders?
01:12:12Stick to your job, get on with your work, stop messing about with the rats.
01:12:14Yes, sir.
01:12:15Harper, ten minutes ago the G.O.C. gave orders to all members of the film company to leave this room.
01:12:19Now I find one of them still here.
01:12:20I'm sorry, sir.
01:12:21Don't mind that, orders are orders.
01:12:22I'm sorry, Colonel.
01:12:23Now get those infernal chairs out of here.
01:12:24It ought to have been done hours ago.
01:12:25Yes, sir.
01:12:26Spurwick!
01:12:27Sir!
01:12:28Why haven't these chairs been moved out of here?
01:12:29I gave orders hours ago.
01:12:30Yes, sir.
01:12:31Pender!
01:12:32Double up and get these chairs out of here.
01:12:34Why you haven't done it before, I don't know.
01:12:35Yes, Sergeant.
01:12:36Harper!
01:12:37Yes, sir.
01:12:38What are those men doing, looping up and down?
01:12:39Do you know what an action studio is?
01:12:40I'm sorry, sir.
01:12:41Mr. Benson!
01:12:43Sir!
01:12:44What are those men doing out there?
01:12:45Oh, I'm pretty sorry, sir, but I...
01:12:46Don't talk about it, Mr. Benson!
01:12:47Get them out of there!
01:12:48Sir!
01:12:51Come on, you idle men!
01:12:52Get up on your toes!
01:12:53Get up on your toes!
01:12:56Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!
01:13:12Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!
01:13:42Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!
01:14:12Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!